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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

3 months too soon?

77 replies

Newlife16 · 26/08/2021 12:26

Back story I am 40 next year, have a LO and want another which will have to be in the next few years...

Anyway, I've been seeing this guy ( he is 34) for 3 months plus, he is at my house all the time, stays over 3 to 5 nights a week sometimes will stay a few days at a time, always calling me etc..at about 6 weeks in I had the 'what are we chat' as he accidently met my LO. He said he wasn't with anyone else, was with me all the time, but didn't want pressure etc....he didn't delete his dating apps but said was not meeting anyone..

Anyway its now been 3 months plus, he leaves laundry here, has a drawer etc...but when I asked about a relationship, he said

I was forcing it, he wanted to be sure and feel secure and ready with me.. he said he knows he likes me and that he wants to be with me and makes things happen, but won't make me his girlfriend.

I don't want to pressure him, but am I right in thinking this is enough time to know if you do want it or not?

He is a bit younger than me, may be its a life stage thing. But I have told him that I want a relationship and another child.

OP posts:

MissMaple82 · 26/08/2021 13:21

Oh lordy.. dont be so desperate to settle down. This man is clearly using you. End it, put your child first

Brieeeeeeeeeeee · 26/08/2021 13:24

@Abouttoblow

If he's not ready for a relationship let him stay at his own place, do his own laundry and take you out on dates - if he believes you're just dating

This

ALittleBitConfused1 · 26/08/2021 13:25

You have your self a cock lodger not a bf. I would be cautious about having him in the house over night at all with a young one there. You really don't know him well enough at all go it not to be a safety concern.
But in any case, this one is happily making use of the facilities without paying the bill iyswim.
You really need to set some boundaries, you deserve better.

girlmom21 · 26/08/2021 13:26

Get him out of your house if you have a young DC, Jesus Christ...

You've been together less than 3 months and he won't even delete his dating apps!

toobusytothink · 26/08/2021 13:44

You’re letting him do all this and at the same time he’s keeping his options open and being ho eat about it. Can’t blame a man for trying but I sure as hell wouldn’t be that desperate

frozendaisy · 26/08/2021 13:47

@Newlife16

the laundry and expecting me to cook thing drives me nuts

So stop and say "laundry and cooking is a girlfriend thing which I am not clearly"

And if he back tracks "of course you're my girl" blah blah etc etc say "not what you said the other day so before I even consider laundry and cooking again I will need a month or so of convincing and it will clearly stop again should I be unconvinced in the future"

You are being a wet blanket. Sounds like it's easy for him, no dates, no deleting of saying app, laundry and dinner sorted. Very one-sided from my point of view. Just no way.

TiredButDancing · 26/08/2021 13:50

Oh dear OP, this man has really lucked out with you - he gets free food, laundry and sex (I'm assuming he's not paying for any of this, nor doing any of the cooking/cleaning etc) and I'm guessing he's convinced you he's doing YOU a favour (because you can't get out so easily with a LO?). He's also got somewhere to sleep so I'm wondering if he lives in shared accommodation/shitty accommodation/with his parents?

And all of this, without having to "put a label" on it.

hahahahahaha. I definitely would be telling him you don't cook, do laundry or sleepovers with people you're only casually seeing. You go on dates with them, possibly come back for sex (if t works for you) and then they leave. But really, I'd be telling him to get lost. He sounds like a total loser.

Jerseygirl12 · 26/08/2021 13:54

I’d get rid of him, you deserve more than this. Next time take things slower.

Isanyholeagoal · 26/08/2021 14:16

Just the fact that he is staying at your house with your young child and you don’t even know him is very concerning regardless if they have met or not. Why would you have a star her staying in your child’s safe space

Isanyholeagoal · 26/08/2021 14:17

*stranger

Suprima · 26/08/2021 14:23

OP do not say anything along the lines of “cooking and laundry is for girlfriends and I am not one”- he’ll likely say ok we are official and then you are stuck as muggins. We will then think he has placated you with the girlfriend label and will continue to use dating apps, act as his slave and when it all ends in tears, will tell you he never liked you and you made him.

This man is showing you what he is- a fucking user. He doesn’t like you, apart from the bangmaid service and doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend.

Tell him things have moved too fast and distance yourself, OR to sling his hook. He is not a nice man.

Suprima · 26/08/2021 14:23

*you will act as his slave

layladomino · 26/08/2021 14:25

I am stunned. He isn't ready to say he's your bf. But he's fine with having sex, you doing his laundry and cleaning up after him, cooking for him etc?

So what are you then if not his gf? His landlady? mother? Free B&B provider?

He is really taking the micky. As others have said - if you're dating and not sure what the future brings, then go out on dates, have nights out. You don't move in free of charge and get someone else to do your washing if you aren't even sure you want to be their bf!

His cheek is astounding!

If you want the chance of another child at some point, the sooner you drop this one the better, because there can be no future in it.

urgentexitrequired · 26/08/2021 14:28

Sorry OP but it sounds like you are ready and willing to accept crumbs. If he isn't what you want right now, get rid of him. I think he is using you because you feed him, do his laundry and have sec with him. All in just over 3 months. I don't think him accidently meeting your LO was a reason to have the 'what are we chat', I think his actions are telling you everything you need to know.

urgentexitrequired · 26/08/2021 14:29

Also at 40, the sooner you get rid of him and move on and get the type of relationship you actually want, the better!

Mamamamasaurus · 26/08/2021 14:33

He's taking the piss and cocklodging

If he doesn't want a relationship, he won't want the benefits that go with that - cooked food, washing done etc

pansypotter123 · 26/08/2021 14:39

Where does he live when he's not at yours?

nimbuscloud · 26/08/2021 14:41

Is any man better than no man?

Original poster

Newlife16 · 26/08/2021 14:46

his parents

OP posts:

mstroutpout · 26/08/2021 14:49

@Newlife16

his parents

This is everything you need to know. He prefers to stay at yours - you're like his mum but with sex. I'm all for taking things slow and I do think it's normal to not necessarily be gf/bf at 3 months but if that's the case then you can't have your cake and eat it! If he's not ready to commit then he can date you and woo you

Jerseygirl12 · 26/08/2021 14:50

Out of interest when do people become girlfriend/boyfriend? I can’t remember it being such a thing when I last dated 26 years ago.

Suprima · 26/08/2021 14:51

@Newlife16

his parents

Oh god it keeps getting worse.

What are you going to do?

Refreshpage · 26/08/2021 14:57

@Blanca87

He’s secure with enough to rip the piss out of your good nature. He gets sex and a free b&b 5 days a week but doesn’t want to name it???? Fuck that love, raise the bar you deserve better.

This.

Plus 'he said he knows he likes me and that he wants to be with me and makes things happen, but won't make me his girlfriend.' - what are you if not his girlfriend - his sexual partner, taking care of washing and letting his stay when it suits. RED FLAG user.

Raise your bar a bit higher. Especially, if you are considering a child with someone!

TiredButDancing · 26/08/2021 15:00

well, on plus side, I nailed it on the "usual living arrangements" thing.

RUN OP. Run as far and as fast as you can.

NewLifePending · 26/08/2021 15:00

Op, ditch this loser

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