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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3 months too soon?

77 replies

Newlife16 · 26/08/2021 12:26

Back story I am 40 next year, have a LO and want another which will have to be in the next few years...

Anyway, I've been seeing this guy ( he is 34) for 3 months plus, he is at my house all the time, stays over 3 to 5 nights a week sometimes will stay a few days at a time, always calling me etc..at about 6 weeks in I had the 'what are we chat' as he accidently met my LO. He said he wasn't with anyone else, was with me all the time, but didn't want pressure etc....he didn't delete his dating apps but said was not meeting anyone..

Anyway its now been 3 months plus, he leaves laundry here, has a drawer etc...but when I asked about a relationship, he said

I was forcing it, he wanted to be sure and feel secure and ready with me.. he said he knows he likes me and that he wants to be with me and makes things happen, but won't make me his girlfriend.

I don't want to pressure him, but am I right in thinking this is enough time to know if you do want it or not?

He is a bit younger than me, may be its a life stage thing. But I have told him that I want a relationship and another child.

OP posts:
OhThatChicken · 26/08/2021 15:11

Just a guess: Is your home MUCH nicer than his and is he a terrible cook?

Either way, you can do better!

Original poster
Newlife16 · 26/08/2021 15:17

Am not seeing him again, whatever happens now will be back peddling on his part. You either know or you don't. .

He has asked to see me to talk of course. But little point as he has already made it clear and I would be worried he was taking me for a ride.

OP posts:
Palavah · 26/08/2021 15:22

OP, it sounds as though you are lacking in self-respect or confidence to have got into this situation arise. Great that you've put a stop to it but please consider how you will set boundaries for yourself in future. You deserve better.

mstroutpout · 26/08/2021 15:28

@Newlife16

Am not seeing him again, whatever happens now will be back peddling on his part. You either know or you don't. .

He has asked to see me to talk of course. But little point as he has already made it clear and I would be worried he was taking me for a ride.

Well done. Expect him to start making bigger declarations now he is probably panicking. But it shouldn't take this for him to not treat you like crap so pay no notice
GrimDamnFanjo · 26/08/2021 15:30

@Newlife16

Am not seeing him again, whatever happens now will be back peddling on his part. You either know or you don't. .

He has asked to see me to talk of course. But little point as he has already made it clear and I would be worried he was taking me for a ride.

Don't listen to him. He's shown you who he is.
TiredButDancing · 26/08/2021 15:31

@Newlife16

Am not seeing him again, whatever happens now will be back peddling on his part. You either know or you don't. .

He has asked to see me to talk of course. But little point as he has already made it clear and I would be worried he was taking me for a ride.

I'd say you dodged a bullet on this one. Well done!
Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 15:42

Good on you for reaching a strong decision. Live and learn as they say.

Tbh even if he did say he suddenly wanted to be your bf and you could remotely believe it, he has still taken the piss far too much these past few months. It's not a womans job to wash her boyfriends skants and run around cooking ect for him anyway. Not unless he does the same for her at least.

Imagine you would have had to be taking care of two babies if you had had one with him.

OnceTheyDid · 26/08/2021 15:51

My DP of 2.5 years doesn't expect me to do his washing for him and doesn't leave his shit all over my house.

Glad you have come to your senses OP Flowers

OneAugustNight · 26/08/2021 15:56

He’s practically living with you but won’t make you his ‘girlfriend!?’ What are you then?

I hope you stick to your decision because he will probably change his mind now.

bigbaggyeyes · 26/08/2021 16:04

You're good enough to wash his pants but not good enough to be his gf. Glad to see you're starting to raise the bar

ErickBroch · 26/08/2021 16:05

OP I hope you mean it when you say you won't see him again. I know it can be hard to realise you've been made a fool of so I am sorry! He is completely using you - not interested in being in a relationship but using you to do his cooking, washing, sex and somewhere to stay that isn't his parents! I won't repeat about how early you've introduced him into your child's life... best thing you can do is block and ignore.

CirqueDeMorgue · 26/08/2021 16:12

He sounds awful. A total user.

CirqueDeMorgue · 26/08/2021 16:12

At least it's only 3 months, OP.

Itonlymakesyoustronger · 26/08/2021 16:17

Well Done OP - I hope you find someone soon and someone that respects and values you - then you can think of a baby!

aurynne · 26/08/2021 16:38

"So stop and say "laundry and cooking is a girlfriend thing which I am not clearly"

Erm... the 50s are calling... they want you back.

My partners did their own cooking and laundry.

Youknownothingsnow · 26/08/2021 17:21

I don’t even do my fiancées laundry and we’ve been together 7 years!

Glad to hear you are starting to see your worth. It’s about a partnership.

TubeOfSmarties · 26/08/2021 19:26

Take out the length of time (though every bit of it feels too fast for me).

All the other stuff. The time he spends at yours, the laundry, the drawer. You can't have all that then play it casual.

Get rid, he's taking the piss.

SarahDarah · 26/08/2021 20:16

@lunar1

Why are you having a man you hardly know creeping in and out of your child's home?
This. Feel so sorry for the child in this situation :(
SStopRaisingHim · 26/08/2021 23:00

@Blanca87

He’s secure with enough to rip the piss out of your good nature. He gets sex and a free b&b 5 days a week but doesn’t want to name it???? Fuck that love, raise the bar you deserve better.
What she said.
seensome · 26/08/2021 23:09

Just get rid it won't end well, learn from it, don't accept half hearted twats in your home again.

Jesskir89 · 26/08/2021 23:15

Op glad you've dumped this loser but please don't have men you hardly know staying at your family home. Its not safe. Put your dc first now and if you want to date, date when dc isn't there. Take this from someone who was introduced to boyfriends early on, and they never stayed....

Justmeandthree · 26/08/2021 23:24

I really doubt she has dumped him. I don't think op was expecting the response she got. Hope to heck I'm wrong though.

RantyAunty · 27/08/2021 00:36

Well done on getting rid of this cocklodger.

bevm72yellow · 27/08/2021 01:54

You may feel isolated or unloved or see friends in relationships and it all "looks rosy" and you dying to have another child. Life is unfair and unkind. It does not always work out the way you would have liked it. This guy is looking out for his own needs " ego boost, sex, laundry done and fed". Lots of guys are like this. They take from the people who are prepared to give. Don't be a giver. Your little child comes first. Strangers like this should not be in your home for safety reasons. I am not up to date on how people meet up these days but someone further along may suggest good ways. My indicators are they get to know you over a period of time, they have actions which speak louder than words eg turning up on time or helping you with an activity such as preparing a meal or wash up or how they treat their Mum. So don't be tough on yourself. Expect much better from guys....and pull the rug from under this one.

Longsight2019 · 27/08/2021 06:12

Just remember that up until very recently his mim was doing what you’re providing. Shelter, bed, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs type stuff.

He sounds like without realising it he’s just after the convenience and anyone could be the provider.

Move him out and see where it takes you.