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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Walking out / storming off

59 replies

Savagery · 26/08/2021 05:28

I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a man I met through work. We are both divorced with DC, work in the same office but not the same department and spend 2-3 nights a week together as well as see each other in the office. It has gone from quite casual and quite (I felt) hot and cold, to more a serious relationship where we are committed to each other, have met family and friends (not DC) and people at work know about it.

I am feeling so confused at the moment I don’t know how to express this or what the pertinent points are, but I really need to understand this feeling that I have. He is very full on a lot of the time. If I am in his company he needs 100% of my attention. He talks constantly about how “perfect” we are with each other, how we are made for each other, but then I also feel that there is no wiggle room for me. I can’t feel ill or just need a rest or want to talk about something else because it destroys the perfection.

He can go from creating a wonderful atmosphere where we are laughing and joking and in a rose tinted haze, to suddenly taking offence at something I have said and done and walking out or storming off.

It has happened twice this week already. He has been at my house and yesterday I was quite tired and asked him if he would mind if I went to bed early and he went completely cold and started packing his stuff up and heading for the door. I talked him out of it and then eventually stayed awake and continued the evening as he wanted and things were fine again.

Tonight he walked out at 11 in the middle of sex because I wasn’t communicating with him about why I am insecure about my breasts (I have a long history of mastitis and don’t like them to d touched.) He said he had lost patience with me being coy, not communicating and my “histrionics” around my breasts. That I should feel loved and nurtured and he did not understand. Then he started packing his bags again to leave and went.

I am left with this horrible empty feeling of confusion and worry that I have done something wrong or that I cannot predict what will happen next. I know enough about toxic relationships to know this is toxic but I don’t understand how he justifies this behaviour in his head? Does he want me to chase after him? What is the purpose or pleasure for him in creating this drama 2 out of every 3 times we see each other?

He does frequently apologise for doing it the next morning , by which time I have not slept and will be full of confusion about whether it’s him or it’s me or what is going to happen next. Suddenly all the words of love seem null and void if he can do this.

I want to get rid of this feeling of emptiness and confusion and longing when this happens. I am at risk this morning of just getting another apology - something like “sorry I know I am a drama queen and a difficult person, thanks for having patience with me” - and I forgive him again and see him tonight.

Can you unpack this fir me psychologically so I can see what’s really happening?

OP posts:
Theluggagerules · 26/08/2021 05:37

There is nothing to unpick. He is a rude, sulking asshole and you should just not accept his 'apology' and move on. Seriously, life is too short to take that kind of behaviour.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 26/08/2021 06:07

You are being 'trained' to be subservient and unsure of yourself, walking on egg shells for the rest of your relationship. He is also the one who gets to decide what perfect is rather than you. Time for you to walk.

LadyWithLapdog · 26/08/2021 06:11

Urgh. Can you stand years of drama ahead? How will it be when you eventually meet each other’s DCs and they say or do the “wrong” thing?

Luddite26 · 26/08/2021 06:15

Be brave this morning and let this thing end.
He is not going to get any better.
No matter how hard it is at work you can't let this go on.
No other way round it. End it.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 26/08/2021 06:18

God he sounds absolutely AWFUL. Who walks out in the middle of sex????? That is so manipulative of him. Honestly OP, I don't know you, but I do know you can do a billion times better than THIS twat. Thanks

pog100 · 26/08/2021 06:24

There's really nothing to unpick or discuss. He is behaving in an abusive and controlling way towards you and, not surprisingly, you don't like it. You need to end it because this WILL NOT get better it will get worse. Please don't put up with it any longer. Assert yourself, end it.

romdowa · 26/08/2021 06:24

get rid of this guy , you do not have to explain to anyone why you do not like to be touched anywhere at any time. This guy is pushing and breaking down your boundaries , gaslighting you and preparing you to just accept his emotional abuse and think its all your fault. He was in a huff because you were tired and wanted to go to bed? This morning do not accept his apology, tell him you are not interested in hearing any more of his bullshit and that what ever this is , is finished.

updownroundandround · 26/08/2021 06:27

You have to end this 'relationship'.

At the moment, he's 'deciding' whether or not you are 'allowed' to not like your boobs being touched FFS ! Shock

He's choosing how you will spend your time in the evening, i.e you're tired and want an early night, but because he wants to stay up chatting/watching TV, you are forced to ?? Shock

You said that 2 out of 3 times you spend time together, he suddenly changes from being 'happy and laughing' to 'storming off' in a bloody huff ! So you're expected to 'persuade' him to stay ? Nah ! I'd be telling him ''Off you fuck then if you're not happy !''

How dare he have a 'pop' at you about bloody ''histrionics'' too ! When it's always him who bloody behaves like that, not you ! Hmm

The whole 'dynamic' is being deliberately slanted in his favour, every....damn....time !

Throw this one back (He's the equivalent of the 3 eyed fish in the Simpsons ffs ! Definitely not a 'keeper' Wink) and get fishing for another......

FreeBritnee · 26/08/2021 06:27

I’d be interested to know if this behaviour was shown to him by a parent. Sometimes we mimic what we’ve seen growing up and in his head he might think this acceptable ( it’s not, it’s abusive).

Collidascope · 26/08/2021 06:29

Basically, you're not allowed to have your own needs. He's allowed to be difficult and "dramatic" but you're not allowed to be tired or in a down mood or insecure. And if you do show any signs of being an actual, independent person (one who isn't attuned to him 100%), he's going to make life so unpleasant for you that eventually you'll learn to just completely suppress your own feelings in favour of going along with his. I suspect his ex wife came out of that marriage an absolute shell of herself. You've already had over two years of this shit. Don't waste more time trying to understand him because sure as hell isn't interested in doing the same for you.

Tiramiwho · 26/08/2021 06:41

I was in a relationship extremely similar to this for a couple of years. It was awful and it doesn't get better. It gets much, much worse. Fortunately for you, he hasn't become a 'member of your family' by meeting your DC ( though I was interested why not after 2.5yrs?)
Great. Just get rid of him ASAP. Clean and simple and go completely NC with him Smile

FatJan · 26/08/2021 06:41

I always read these threads and at first think: "That's crazy that some people let themselves be treated like that, I'd never stand for it" but in reality I'm sure it creeps you on you so you don't really realise it's happening and then suddenly your used to it.

I'm less interested in his psychology and more interested in yours, OP.

Why are you with him? Is it so you're not alone? Is it because you enjoy the good times so you ignore what's really going on? Do you have low self confidence?

RantyAunty · 26/08/2021 06:43

There's nothing really to be confused about. He's an abusive arse.

Trying to figure out his thinking about this isn't going to help anything. It doesn't matter what it is. It's not an excuse to treat you like that.

End this.

Bananalanacake · 26/08/2021 07:14

It's good he doesn't live with you.

fedup078 · 26/08/2021 07:20

Wow that's so similar to my ex even down to how we met in the office etc . It's really childish. He used to storm off over nothing and once left me in the middle of a forest on the hottest day of the year taking the only bottle of water with him
Anyway after me putting up with this shit for over a year he eventually ended it after the one time I said something out of line which was only said due to his weird behaviour. Actually ghosted me. Even though we worked in the same office . Not going to lie that year nearly killed me.

Red flags all over

girlmom21 · 26/08/2021 07:22

You've already got it down to a tee. It's all about him. You're perfect for each other as long as everything is what he wants, on his terms etc.

Two arguments in a week would be enough for me to end it, let alone him starting to pack his bags, especially mid-way through sex! He tells you you're supposed to feel special etc etc then is willing to let you lie there feeling used? No thank you!

OneAugustNight · 26/08/2021 07:23

How horrible that he does that but storming out over not touching your breasts. That’s humiliating.

Why are you asking for advice on how to change your feelings? The way you are feeling is completely normal. His behaviour is not.

You should end it but it sounds like he is the over dramatic type who will not go easily so you need to make a decision, stick to it and have a plan.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/08/2021 07:23

He's controlling and emotionally abusive. That's all you need to unpick. Please get off this insane merry go round.

category12 · 26/08/2021 07:24

How can you feel "loved and nurtured" when he doesn't want to hear about anything that affects you? If you're uncomfortable or tired, then he should give a damn and be caring, not turn it into a fight.

The "perfection" isn't real. Don't listen to what he says, look at his actions, look at the drama, look at how you're left feeling confused and in the wrong. This isn't a loving or nurturing relationship.

He does it because he gets something out of it.

Ditch him

The hot and cold in the beginning was a red flag, and this toxicity is more of the same. It's not you, it's him.

End it.

CurryLover55 · 26/08/2021 07:28

That makes very uncomfortable reading OP. Also I think you already know it’s not right because you haven’t met each other’s DC after 2.5 years!

layladomino · 26/08/2021 07:30

@Collidascope put it beautifully.

Please don't try to understand him. You won't be able to, because you are a decent human being who wouldn't abuse someone else.

His actions are abusive. Maniuplative. Training you to not have your own thoughts or feelings. Agree with him every time and life will be great. You're already learning that - you didn't go to bed even though you were tired, and then the evening was fine again. He'll be thrilled that he's shown himself he really can control you.

It will get worse. He'll twist the dial a little bit more at a time, until your life is completely controlled by him and you don't know your own head anymore.

In the immediate short term - please don't accept his apology, and certainly don't take any of the blame for what happened. (You felt the need to ASK, in your own home, if you could go to bed - can you see how mad that is in itself???? . He tells you you're wrong to not like your breasts being touched! I'm stunned).

But please, please, extarcate yourself from this. It won't get better. It will get worse. If this man ever has any involvement with your DC you risk him messing with their heads too. Or at the very least they will see their mum become a shell of herself, whose world revolves around this man and not them.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/08/2021 07:30

What's happening is you are being manipulated and controlled so that you walk on eggshells and become obedient.

Topseyt · 26/08/2021 07:47

You are being abused and manipulated by a complete arsehole. That is all there is to unpack.

Dump him. It won't get better.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 26/08/2021 07:55

So he’s allowed to act like petulant teenager because you are tired and wanted an early night. You should have let him go, by persuading him to stay and then sitting up with him despite not wanting to, you are rewarding his sulky behaviour with giving in to him. You are, in effect, teaching him how to treat you.
You are allowed to feel however you want about any part of your body, how dare he tell you he’s lost patience with you and complaining about histrionics.Those are not the words or actions of a man who cares about you or even really likes you that much.
As long as you dance to his tune your life will be perfect, god help you if you are sick, or tired, or stressed or anything else that detracts from him and his over inflated ego .
So far you’ve only wasted 2.5 years on this truly awful man, it’s up to you not to make it longer.

Onthemaintrunkline · 26/08/2021 07:59

This sounds absolutely awful! I mean really awful! It comes across as tho you are continually walking on eggshells around him. This is not a relationship of equals….he’s very definitely in charge. He’s an overgrown child, throwing a tantrum when he isn’t getting what he wants. He’s quite pathetic.
If someone packed their bag on me, it’d be the absolutely last interaction between us. Don’t play these games with him, you deserve and are sooo much better than this.

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