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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Walking out / storming off

59 replies

Savagery · 26/08/2021 05:28

I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a man I met through work. We are both divorced with DC, work in the same office but not the same department and spend 2-3 nights a week together as well as see each other in the office. It has gone from quite casual and quite (I felt) hot and cold, to more a serious relationship where we are committed to each other, have met family and friends (not DC) and people at work know about it.

I am feeling so confused at the moment I don’t know how to express this or what the pertinent points are, but I really need to understand this feeling that I have. He is very full on a lot of the time. If I am in his company he needs 100% of my attention. He talks constantly about how “perfect” we are with each other, how we are made for each other, but then I also feel that there is no wiggle room for me. I can’t feel ill or just need a rest or want to talk about something else because it destroys the perfection.

He can go from creating a wonderful atmosphere where we are laughing and joking and in a rose tinted haze, to suddenly taking offence at something I have said and done and walking out or storming off.

It has happened twice this week already. He has been at my house and yesterday I was quite tired and asked him if he would mind if I went to bed early and he went completely cold and started packing his stuff up and heading for the door. I talked him out of it and then eventually stayed awake and continued the evening as he wanted and things were fine again.

Tonight he walked out at 11 in the middle of sex because I wasn’t communicating with him about why I am insecure about my breasts (I have a long history of mastitis and don’t like them to d touched.) He said he had lost patience with me being coy, not communicating and my “histrionics” around my breasts. That I should feel loved and nurtured and he did not understand. Then he started packing his bags again to leave and went.

I am left with this horrible empty feeling of confusion and worry that I have done something wrong or that I cannot predict what will happen next. I know enough about toxic relationships to know this is toxic but I don’t understand how he justifies this behaviour in his head? Does he want me to chase after him? What is the purpose or pleasure for him in creating this drama 2 out of every 3 times we see each other?

He does frequently apologise for doing it the next morning , by which time I have not slept and will be full of confusion about whether it’s him or it’s me or what is going to happen next. Suddenly all the words of love seem null and void if he can do this.

I want to get rid of this feeling of emptiness and confusion and longing when this happens. I am at risk this morning of just getting another apology - something like “sorry I know I am a drama queen and a difficult person, thanks for having patience with me” - and I forgive him again and see him tonight.

Can you unpack this fir me psychologically so I can see what’s really happening?

OP posts:
Journeynotdestination · 26/08/2021 07:59

He’s abusive. Don’t you think you deserve better? Get out of this relationship before he properly breaks you.

Journeynotdestination · 26/08/2021 08:01

Also, your kids will not be spared either. If nothing else, end it for their sake. He’s not someone they need in their life or as they’ve not met him, seeing you being broken.

Onthemaintrunkline · 26/08/2021 08:02

I think you are ‘perfect together’ as long as you don’t inconvenience him.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 26/08/2021 08:04

The idea of him may be great. The reality is he chooses to assault your body and ignores your protests...
Bin him op.
He is abusive...
We can all see it even if you can't. Ltb while you have some strength left..

fedup078 · 26/08/2021 08:23

I'm pretty sure my ex did the storming off half way through sex once too
It was only years afterwards and a lot of Mumsnet reading that I realised I'd got the whole package with him , love bombing, future faking and then ghosting

MorrisZapp · 26/08/2021 08:29

Get him binned

ActonSquirrel · 26/08/2021 08:31

He said he had lost patience with me being coy, not communicating and my “histrionics” around my breasts.

That would be it. He would never see me or them again.

fedup078 · 26/08/2021 08:42

Would be interesting to know why his marriage failed 🤔

Gerwurtztraminer · 26/08/2021 08:47

What would you say to a friend who told you all this? Surely you would tell her to end it?

If so why can't you care for yourself enough to do that.

As @FatJan says "I'm less interested in his psychology and more interested in yours, OP"

As everyone else has said, he's controlling, manipulative, making everything about him, demanding your attention like a child.

There is no perfection in relationships - even the best involve compromise and have ups and downs and no one 'lives happily ever after'.

End it now, his behaviour will only escalate onto far worse. Just be careful how you do it as men like that don't take rejection well. Be prepared for him to not take no for an answer or to get difficult especially as you work together as well.

Hopeful22 · 26/08/2021 08:53

You sound like a lovely normal woman. please get rid him, before he does serious damage to you and your mind. None of what you are describing is within the realms of a normal acceptable relationship. Be strong I know how hard it is but please see your worth and move on from him ...

Moonface123 · 26/08/2021 08:53

He's very manipulative and living in fantasy world.
I actually think he has some kind of mental health disorder.
Must be such hard work for you, you can't ever let your guard dowm.
I couldn't live like this, it's like your an actress continuously playing out a role.

TootTootTootToot · 26/08/2021 08:53

You don't need to unpick anything. You don't owe him anything just dump him immediately. He is awful. If he is like this now he isn't going to suddenly improve.

Ugh he sounds revolting.
You also need to be careful in future relationships not to let yourself be someone who tries to fix things and smooth things over - you sound way too nice.

peardropsonarainyday · 26/08/2021 09:02

Op please leave this man now !!! This is exactly how my relationship started off ! I was so depressed , lost all my confidence and I could only be happy if he was happy ! He wore me down mentally until I basically become a shell
Of myself . He's an emotional abuser and it will get worse . Not might get worse but 100 percent get worse . He will soon become controlling and you will stop going out and seeing friends because 'he's insecure ' no good will come of this if you stay

mewkins · 26/08/2021 09:03

Echoing what the others have said... he is not unique in this pattern of behaviour. It is quite a common one. I've also experienced it. All the same patterns, getting annoyed if I was (rarely) ill, getting irritated if I expressed how I would like to have sex, storming off, threatening to leave the pub where we had met up with friends. It got gradually worse as I stood up to him more. He started damaging things in my house, shoving me, squeezing my hand too tight, intimidating me, etc.

Split up with him and be firm. He will talk you round (and cry and promise he will change). Eventually they will go back to how they were and probably get worse.

The good times will not outweigh the bad. Do what you need to and in a few months you will look back and realise how awful it all was. X

ErickBroch · 26/08/2021 09:39

Bless you - he is controlling. He is actually moving considerably quick and trying to 'train' your behaviours already. Very common tactics in abusers. Please leave him Flowers

Dacquoise · 26/08/2021 10:42

He's training you to dance to his tune. Keeping you off guard, you never know what will or won't upset him, which makes you panic and do anything to placate him when he kicks off. He will continue to mess with your head for as long as you allow him to.

You need to step back, really study what he is doing and decide whether you want to play this 'game' with him anymore. None of this is you. You are entitled to have boundaries around your body, it's outrageous to guilt you about your sensitivity regarding your breasts. You don't need to work him out, he has disordered thinking.

You deserve much better.

SimoneSimone · 26/08/2021 11:16

Time to end it. The only thing you will regret is not ending it sooner

bigbaggyeyes · 26/08/2021 11:46

I want to get rid of this feeling of emptiness and confusion and longing when this happens

If that's what you want, then you'll need to dump him. This is who he is

Flakeymcwakey · 26/08/2021 11:55

He's just your common or garden controlling person. He feels deeply unsafe around other people's negative feelings and believes that whatever those feelimgs are are a direct reflection on him. That's why he's telling up how and what you should feel. You as a person do not come into it. He will regard any feeling which he has not created in you as a direct fuck you to him. It's not even that he's not interested in you - it's that he is incapable of perceiving you as an independent entity from him. Your purpose as his partner is yo reflect his view of himself and he will be hurt, angry and confused when that isn't going how he wants it to.

He's not able to be in a mutually respectful relationship as that would entail him recognising you as a person in your own right. Sorry OP, this is a lost cause

ClemDanFango · 26/08/2021 11:59

He’s abusive, controlling, manipulative, stroppy and spiteful. He’s training you to accept this bullshit by wearing you down and playing mind games. Bin the fucker off.

AdaColeman · 26/08/2021 12:06

He’s following the Controller’s Handbook to the letter.

Blowing hot and cold, storming off, painting pictures of an idealistic ‘perfect’ life, expecting apologies from you, all this behaviour is deliberate emotional blackmail, designed to control you.

He’s using all the classic controlling techniques to undermine your sense of reality, to make you unsure of your responses, so that you become insecure and vulnerable and easier for him to control.

Get out now, while you still can.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/08/2021 12:10

He's put a psychological collar round your throat op, and every time you step out of line he tugs on it.

This very unhealthy it will and already is damaging you, let him go he's an abuser

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 26/08/2021 12:13

The man is an arse.

There is nowt to unpick.

DoormatBob · 26/08/2021 12:20

Basically when he is present your life couldn't be any better and you are therefore being massively unreasonable to not confirm this continually.

Get rid, don't be polite, it will just encourage major manipulation tactics!

EKGEMS · 26/08/2021 12:23

This guy needs a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge. You need to end it. He is an immature, manipulative, tantrum throwing and emotionally stunted toddler. You deserve a man who cares about you and respects you and can be an adult 100% of the time