Walking out / storming off

[Savagery]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a man I met through work. We are both divorced with DC, work in the same office but not the same department and spend 2-3 nights a week together as well as see each other in the office. It has gone from quite casual and quite (I felt) hot and cold, to more a serious relationship where we are committed to each other, have met family and friends (not DC) and people at work know about it.

I am feeling so confused at the moment I don’t know how to express this or what the pertinent points are, but I really need to understand this feeling that I have. He is very full on a lot of the time. If I am in his company he needs 100% of my attention. He talks constantly about how “perfect” we are with each other, how we are made for each other, but then I also feel that there is no wiggle room for me. I can’t feel ill or just need a rest or want to talk about something else because it destroys the perfection.

He can go from creating a wonderful atmosphere where we are laughing and joking and in a rose tinted haze, to suddenly taking offence at something I have said and done and walking out or storming off.

It has happened twice this week already. He has been at my house and yesterday I was quite tired and asked him if he would mind if I went to bed early and he went completely cold and started packing his stuff up and heading for the door. I talked him out of it and then eventually stayed awake and continued the evening as he wanted and things were fine again.

Tonight he walked out at 11 in the middle of sex because I wasn’t communicating with him about why I am insecure about my breasts (I have a long history of mastitis and don’t like them to d touched.) He said he had lost patience with me being coy, not communicating and my “histrionics” around my breasts. That I should feel loved and nurtured and he did not understand. Then he started packing his bags again to leave and went.

I am left with this horrible empty feeling of confusion and worry that I have done something wrong or that I cannot predict what will happen next. I know enough about toxic relationships to know this is toxic but I don’t understand how he justifies this behaviour in his head? Does he want me to chase after him? What is the purpose or pleasure for him in creating this drama 2 out of every 3 times we see each other?

He does frequently apologise for doing it the next morning , by which time I have not slept and will be full of confusion about whether it’s him or it’s me or what is going to happen next. Suddenly all the words of love seem null and void if he can do this.

I want to get rid of this feeling of emptiness and confusion and longing when this happens. I am at risk this morning of just getting another apology - something like “sorry I know I am a drama queen and a difficult person, thanks for having patience with me” - and I forgive him again and see him tonight.

Can you unpack this fir me psychologically so I can see what’s really happening?

@Collidascope

Basically, you're not allowed to have your own needs. He's allowed to be difficult and "dramatic" but you're not allowed to be tired or in a down mood or insecure. And if you do show any signs of being an actual, independent person (one who isn't attuned to him 100%), he's going to make life so unpleasant for you that eventually you'll learn to just completely suppress your own feelings in favour of going along with his. I suspect his ex wife came out of that marriage an absolute shell of herself. You've already had over two years of this shit. Don't waste more time trying to understand him because sure as hell isn't interested in doing the same for you.

This. Don't waste another day of your one precious life with this wanker.

He's HORRIBLE.

He has case you in a role that pleases him and any deviation from that role is you not living up to his fantasy.

Fuck that. You can't be yourself, you can't be vulnerable and you can't exist as anything other than an extension of his wants and needs.

Fuck. That. Shit.

He is a total cunt. Run.

Narcissist. Big. Red. Flag. This will get worse and worse until you feel you are on constantly shifting sand. Get out now while you still have the strength. 💐

Imagine touching his penis and him saying 'No, I don't want you to, I feel sensitive'. Then imagine what kind of person you'd have to be to have a go at him for doing that. Could you do it, or would you feel terrible about yourself if you did?

I know enough about toxic relationships to know this is toxic but I don’t understand how he justifies this behaviour in his head? Does he want me to chase after him? What is the purpose or pleasure for him in creating this drama 2 out of every 3 times we see each other

This is the mindset that will keep you in toxic relationships. This is your part in the perpetuation of toxicity in your life. When you realise that a relationship is toxic, you don't need to work out the mindset of the person who is hurting you. It's like with toxic food. When you've eaten something bad and you've got stomach ache, you don't keep eating and try to work out why it's bad. You grab it between your thumb and forefinger, turn your nose away from it, and dispose of it in the outside bin, as soon as you can, and set about doing things that will help you feel better as quickly as possible.

You will never understand him. He operates differently from you. It doesn't matter how he justifies it to himself; you can't justify it to yourself

Is there a bit of you inside that's angry with him? That's having a massive tantrum and is f*cking furious that he won't respect your own feelings about your own body? Can you hear that angry voice inside you, in amongst all the worrying and wondering?

You feel small because there is no room for you in this relationship. He wants your body, he wants your time, he wants your presence but he doesn't want your opinion, he doesn't want your needs, your wants, your agency, all the little quirks that make you you. You feel invisible because he is denying your very existence.

Toxic people are toxic for all kinds of reasons but the one thing they have in common, is that they don't take kindly to being called out on their behaviour. They are highly sensitive to perceived threat (whether that's facing their own short comings or not having what they think they deserve etc) and will defend themselves at all cost. Communication and working together is not possible, they only know how to intimidate and coerce people into submission and it works. Really well because most people are accomodating, inquisitive and malleable. People take the path of least resistance and for toxic people finding someone who will take their crap will always be easier for them than the incredibly interoception and self work required to make significant changes.

That kind of behaviour is not on; dump him. I know its been a while but do it while you've still got some self respect.

Spoilt brat that he is.

I want to get rid of this feeling of emptiness and confusion and longing when this happens.
The only way this will happen is if you get rid of him.

He is training you. He is seeing how much he can get away with. If you stay with him it will get much worse.

Run for the hills. 💐

@FreeBritnee

I’d be interested to know if this behaviour was shown to him by a parent. Sometimes we mimic what we’ve seen growing up and in his head he might think this acceptable ( it’s not, it’s abusive).

Yeah, it’s interesting but not helpful for OP to unpick it.