Confused by my partner making everything about him

[californiadreamer]

Hi all,

I'm so confused and wondering if I'm being gaslighted.

I love my partner very much and on the whole we get on really well. However he seems to make every single situation about him and his feelings.

My son has asked me to help him drive down to Uni with his stuff which I am more than happy to do. I initially asked my partner if he would like to come along so we could make a day of it - but I also said I realised that he may not want to so gave him the choice. We also have dogs so we would have to find someone to look after them while we are out.

My partner came up with a plan for his 21 year old son to come over and look after the dogs, but it got so elaborate and complex as his son doesn't drive - it started getting so difficult. In the meantime I suggested to my son that we get some lunch after I help him unload at Uni -

My partner has since hit the roof - saying he thought we were going to make a day of it, why am I now making plans to have lunch with my son, and that I don't consider his feelings etc. Thing is - I was only suggesting it and nothing is set in stone - my thought is that me and my partner would then go and have the rest of the afternoon to myself.

He doesn't seem to realise this day is not about him - but that's exactly what it's becoming. I've since told him that I don't want to put him and his son out as it seems so much trouble - so I suggested i just go on my own. That seemed to make things even worse!! He's never happy.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would understand that this was a big day for my partner and his son and would just go along and be supportive and not try to cause problems.

He's now brought up all the other times I've "been inconsiderate" - (i.e. when i made plans to take my daughter to London or wanted my children to have Christmas with us) even though we went through those at the time and I apologised where I thought it necessary.

He's been very unhappy lately = and says if he had the money he would find his own place (but not split up). So I said to him "maybe the quicker you find the money and move out the better" - he then replied "oh, very nice for your girlfriend to say that" - even though he's been saying it all week and telling my how unhappy he is.

I feel so frustrated because everything I am saying he is twisting and turning back on me. So I start defending myself which makes it worse. I am now feeling so panicked because he is twisting what were only my good intentions to keep everyone happy - and making me sound like a bad person.

How do you handle someone who thinks the worst and twists your words?

Thanks

You can't handle them, he's responsible for his own (unpleasant) behaviour. Let him move out and have a lovely send off for DS with no pressure to please the unpleasable.

Dump him!

It's really horrible of him to spoil your plans for your son moving into uni, but I don't understand the lunch thing - surely you will all need to eat lunch?

Anyway could you take your son yourself and spend the day just you and him - your partner can look after the dogs.

Your relationship with your partner doesn't sound very fulfilling for you, are you happy?

Urgh are you with my exh? He even ruined my 40th... As apparently I was selfish wanting the day to be all about me and he wanted the guests to leave so he could play the new xbox game he demanded he have..
Divorced before I was 41....
Ltb.
Tonight. And support your ds on this new adventure!!
Then start your own.
Without the dead weight..

I am so sorry you are going through this and I completely understand how you feel. I find that there are two kinds of people in this world, those who care about others, are considerate and compassionate and those who only ever think of themselves and care about themselves. I am sure you can tell which one your partner may be.

If you can ignore him and just keep doing whatever you need to do to take care of your son right now, do that, otherwise, sit him down and tell him exactly what you told us, this is not about him, that he should try to think of you and your son first and give you some breathing space or he should get out of your way.

Good luck and god speed my friend.

He sounds awful. Childish and selfish. This is an important day for your DS, please don't let your DP make it all about him. He's acting as though he is jealous of any attention you give to your DC. That's crazy. He's a grown man. He would rather cause a divide between you and your children as he thinks he should be more important to you than them. Please please don't let him succeed. Show your DS you're proud and this is all about him and his start at uni.

From the other stuff you've said, I would call it a day. He sounds like one of life's victims. Only thinks of himself and blames other people for the bad things in his life. Never considers how he might impact on other people.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

It's really horrible of him to spoil your plans for your son moving into uni, but I don't understand the lunch thing - surely you will all need to eat lunch?

Anyway could you take your son yourself and spend the day just you and him - your partner can look after the dogs.

Your relationship with your partner doesn't sound very fulfilling for you, are you happy?

Yes, the plan was for us all to have lunch together. I thought that would be a nice thing to do - my bad! I thought, we'd drop my son's things off, have lunch with him and then leave him to get settled in with his mates. My son is very easygoing about all of this btw.

As my partner seemed so unhappy with everything, I suggested I just go on my own and he look after the dogs - I wasn't angry, just trying to be reasonable and seeing his point of view. I also didn't want him and his own son to be put out on my behalf.

That's what's now going to happen - but he's cross about it and being cold and distant, and twisting my words.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I agree that he's spoiling what could have been a really nice day for everyone.

My relationship with him can be lovely - but he is proving to be very hard work. He had a difficult childhood so doesn't really get my relationship with my kids (i.e. loving). When it's good it's really good - but too often at the moment it's not great. He doesn't get on with my daughter, who lives with us - which makes things very tricky. We are tied into our current lease because COVID hit our finances really hard (like everyone). If we were more financially secure I'd ask him to leave/he would offer to leave - but not necessarily split up.

Not really sure what to do.

@layladomino

He sounds awful. Childish and selfish. This is an important day for your DS, please don't let your DP make it all about him. He's acting as though he is jealous of any attention you give to your DC. That's crazy. He's a grown man. He would rather cause a divide between you and your children as he thinks he should be more important to you than them. Please please don't let him succeed. Show your DS you're proud and this is all about him and his start at uni.

From the other stuff you've said, I would call it a day. He sounds like one of life's victims. Only thinks of himself and blames other people for the bad things in his life. Never considers how he might impact on other people.

Sadly - everything you say feels very true for me. There are so many good moments, that you want to hang on and keep things going - but recently mostly I've been feeling really awful because of things he says I've done or not done. I hate conflict, I do my best to consider everyone's feelings, but yes - he often creates a divide where my children are concerned.

Honestly, if I were financially stable right now I would ask him to leave but think I need to stick this out for another year at least!

Get your boundaries up, because he's trampling all over them.

Also, next time he starts to raise the emotional temperature in these situations and you can see he's about to start- get in first "oh here we go again, it's all about you, isn't it?! I try to do a nice thing, invite you along on DS's big day, but no you have to make a big drama out of it..."

I know that feels really weird, but that's the language he speaks- blame and recrimination. He isn't going to 'hear' when you speak like an emotionally mature adult.

Get your ducks lined up.

So he’s jealous of your kids basically and tries to ruin special moments and the bond you have with them. Must suck for your daughter living with a man who doesn’t get on with her.

You are acting like you don’t get it, like you don’t understand why he’s being like this but clearly this has being going on for quite some time. He’s been being a dick around your kids for a while now.

And you literally wrote that his bad childhood means he doesn’t get your bond with your kids, like that means anything or excuses anything.

I think this is a horrible situation you’ve allowed around your children for god knows how many years and reading your posts makes me very angry. Because all I read in your posts is yet another woman putting a dick before her kids.

At least your son is off to uni and won’t babe to see his dick of a stepdad anymore. Hopefully your daughter isn’t too far behind and they can both make their escape.

You sound very nice.
Some people are just not very nice (understatement - to be blunt some people are really, really horrible).

If you are naturally a nice and good person, it can be very hard to understand this. You try to look for reasons why the other person is saying/doing things, try to work out what has gone wrong, etc. etc.

Just accept and believe that some people, underneath the masks and the pretence, are horrible, and the best thing to do is leave them well alone and keep away from them.

@LastGirlSanding

So he’s jealous of your kids basically and tries to ruin special moments and the bond you have with them. Must suck for your daughter living with a man who doesn’t get on with her.

You are acting like you don’t get it, like you don’t understand why he’s being like this but clearly this has being going on for quite some time. He’s been being a dick around your kids for a while now.

And you literally wrote that his bad childhood means he doesn’t get your bond with your kids, like that means anything or excuses anything.

I think this is a horrible situation you’ve allowed around your children for god knows how many years and reading your posts makes me very angry. Because all I read in your posts is yet another woman putting a dick before her kids.

At least your son is off to uni and won’t babe to see his dick of a stepdad anymore. Hopefully your daughter isn’t too far behind and they can both make their escape.

Thank you for your response.

I wouldn't knowingly be with a "dick".
I wouldn't put a man before my children - which is the reason for this post. The fact I'm taking my son to Uni without my partner means I am putting my son first.
I'm not making excuses for him - just explaining where his issues might have originated (we all have them, including you it seems).
Sometimes it takes a while to work out what's going on.
We all make mistakes - especially in relationships - and sometimes we don't always know how to deal with them.
I haven't been with him for too long.
You know nothing about me.
You clearly have been triggered if this post makes you angry at a complete stranger (me) rather than answering a request for help - so maybe there's an opportunity to sort out your own issues?

In the meantime, thank you for your astoundingly helpful and completely non-judgemental reply.

@picklemewalnuts

Get your boundaries up, because he's trampling all over them.

Also, next time he starts to raise the emotional temperature in these situations and you can see he's about to start- get in first "oh here we go again, it's all about you, isn't it?! I try to do a nice thing, invite you along on DS's big day, but no you have to make a big drama out of it..."

I know that feels really weird, but that's the language he speaks- blame and recrimination. He isn't going to 'hear' when you speak like an emotionally mature adult.

Get your ducks lined up.

Thank you. I might try that!!

But he is undermining your relationships with your kids! I'm shocked you can't see that. You can't keep him around being a joy sucker forever because he can't afford to move out?!

Get him to move out ASAP and don’t stay with him. He sounds completely exhausting
I feel bad for your kids having to be around this

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

But he is undermining your relationships with your kids! I'm shocked you can't see that. You can't keep him around being a joy sucker forever because he can't afford to move out?!

I agree - this has been the last straw really. Because as you say - it's looking like he will suck joy from all future happy events, especially with my children. So I'm trying to work out what to do - but money is money - I can't make it appear out of nowhere.

My original post was how to handle it when he twists my words - while I am trying to work out what to do about short-term/long term, I need to know how to respond when he says things that aren't true. I would say I'm being gaslighted - however, I don't think he is intentionally being manipulative. I've had experience of that and it's awful. I just don't want constant conflict so need to know how to nip it in the bud before it starts.

On what planet does he think you wouldn't offer to take your ds to lunch on that day! You said you'd make a day of it, not 'you'd make it 'his' day' anyone with half a brain would know that you wouldn't just drop your ds off at uni and run.

I think you shouldn't wait for him to have the money to leave, he should be gone by the time you get back from uni 'after' you've had lunch with your da

I'm presuming he's all lovely as long as your world revolves around him and you're doing something he wants to do?

OP my first thought was - at what point did it turn from positive to sour? Was there some sort of trigger that made him be like that?

@LastGirlSanding

So he’s jealous of your kids basically and tries to ruin special moments and the bond you have with them. Must suck for your daughter living with a man who doesn’t get on with her.

You are acting like you don’t get it, like you don’t understand why he’s being like this but clearly this has being going on for quite some time. He’s been being a dick around your kids for a while now.

And you literally wrote that his bad childhood means he doesn’t get your bond with your kids, like that means anything or excuses anything.

I think this is a horrible situation you’ve allowed around your children for god knows how many years and reading your posts makes me very angry. Because all I read in your posts is yet another woman putting a dick before her kids.

At least your son is off to uni and won’t babe to see his dick of a stepdad anymore. Hopefully your daughter isn’t too far behind and they can both make their escape.

Don't hold back than :(

@bigbaggyeyes

I'm presuming he's all lovely as long as your world revolves around him and you're doing something he wants to do?

That's what I am now realising - yes.

My partner has since hit the roof - saying he thought we were going to make a day of it, why am I now making plans to have lunch with my son, and that I don't consider his feelings etc

Your response should be 'I'm having lunch with my son, so you want to come or not?

If he kicks off and 'hits the roof'

'So I take it that's a no to lunch then'

Then make arrangements with your ds and not your dp

How do you handle someone who thinks the worst and twists your words?
You leave them. You haven't been with him long, believe me, he will get worse.

If he’s over 30, he’s unlikely to change. And he sounds a total self obsessed baby.

You're being quite defensive OP. I agree with everything that @LastGirlSanding said. He is horrible to your poor kids and clearly very jealous of them. I imagine he sabotages and taints many milestones that would otherwise be happy events for them. Although you are saying you are putting DS first on this occasion, both the kids are having to live under this cloud caused by him and probably feel very uncomfortable. Imagine having a partner and causing an argument because they want to have lunch with their son on the day that they move to uni! Anyone who behaved in that way where it concerned my son would know very clearly very quickly that I was done with them.