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Original poster

Confused by my partner making everything about him

56 replies

californiadreamer · 25/08/2021 19:56

Hi all,

I'm so confused and wondering if I'm being gaslighted.

I love my partner very much and on the whole we get on really well. However he seems to make every single situation about him and his feelings.

My son has asked me to help him drive down to Uni with his stuff which I am more than happy to do. I initially asked my partner if he would like to come along so we could make a day of it - but I also said I realised that he may not want to so gave him the choice. We also have dogs so we would have to find someone to look after them while we are out.

My partner came up with a plan for his 21 year old son to come over and look after the dogs, but it got so elaborate and complex as his son doesn't drive - it started getting so difficult. In the meantime I suggested to my son that we get some lunch after I help him unload at Uni -

My partner has since hit the roof - saying he thought we were going to make a day of it, why am I now making plans to have lunch with my son, and that I don't consider his feelings etc. Thing is - I was only suggesting it and nothing is set in stone - my thought is that me and my partner would then go and have the rest of the afternoon to myself.

He doesn't seem to realise this day is not about him - but that's exactly what it's becoming. I've since told him that I don't want to put him and his son out as it seems so much trouble - so I suggested i just go on my own. That seemed to make things even worse!! He's never happy.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would understand that this was a big day for my partner and his son and would just go along and be supportive and not try to cause problems.

He's now brought up all the other times I've "been inconsiderate" - (i.e. when i made plans to take my daughter to London or wanted my children to have Christmas with us) even though we went through those at the time and I apologised where I thought it necessary.

He's been very unhappy lately = and says if he had the money he would find his own place (but not split up). So I said to him "maybe the quicker you find the money and move out the better" - he then replied "oh, very nice for your girlfriend to say that" - even though he's been saying it all week and telling my how unhappy he is.

I feel so frustrated because everything I am saying he is twisting and turning back on me. So I start defending myself which makes it worse. I am now feeling so panicked because he is twisting what were only my good intentions to keep everyone happy - and making me sound like a bad person.

How do you handle someone who thinks the worst and twists your words?

Thanks

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 25/08/2021 21:36

You're a gently boiling frog, but he's misplayed, and you've noticed. Excellent.

In terms of how you handle it, I'd stick with my earlier suggestion but also 'grey rock'.

At the moment you are picking and choosing your words, constantly wrong footed, as you dance about whatever it is he's kicking off about. You need to shut it all down when he starts up. Stop trying to accommodate the drama. Don't offer options and nice things. Just be totally functional. Let him do the work- let him arrange days out, invite you to do stuff. You just keep all communication basic, give him less to work with.

Let go of the rope, basically. Stop chasing him. It takes an audience for his performance to work, just walk away.

Think of him like an attention seeking toddler, and don't get caught up in the 'why can't I?' demands.

Honestly it will feel odd at first, but it will get so much easier when you stop playing by his rules.

Original poster
californiadreamer · 25/08/2021 21:39

@insidenumber5

You're being quite defensive OP. I agree with everything that *@LastGirlSanding* said. He is horrible to your poor kids and clearly very jealous of them. I imagine he sabotages and taints many milestones that would otherwise be happy events for them. Although you are saying you are putting DS first on this occasion, both the kids are having to live under this cloud caused by him and probably feel very uncomfortable. Imagine having a partner and causing an argument because they want to have lunch with their son on the day that they move to uni! Anyone who behaved in that way where it concerned my son would know very clearly very quickly that I was done with them.
I do not share my conversations with my partner with my son. My son currently lives away from home for work so he doesn't know what I am discussing here - and I'm not about to tell him either. So, I'm not being defensive, just requesting answers to my original question - not a judgement on my life choices.

Saying that - I am not averse to people having a strong opinion, but clearly I am on here because I know something is going wrong.

My feeling is - if someone asks for help you don't then stamp all over them and tell them how they've messed up and try to make them feel bad right? You empathise, you try to walk in their shoes and see how to be helpful.

Lastgirlstanding was in many ways like my partner - making it all about her anger, how angry she felt - not about my situation at all. And no one has the right to judge anyone on here. If you don't like what someone has put, don't comment.

Four things to ask when you're about to offer advice:
Is it kind, is it helpful, is it necessary, is it true.

OP posts:
Original poster
californiadreamer · 25/08/2021 21:43

@picklemewalnuts

You're a gently boiling frog, but he's misplayed, and you've noticed. Excellent.

In terms of how you handle it, I'd stick with my earlier suggestion but also 'grey rock'.

At the moment you are picking and choosing your words, constantly wrong footed, as you dance about whatever it is he's kicking off about. You need to shut it all down when he starts up. Stop trying to accommodate the drama. Don't offer options and nice things. Just be totally functional. Let him do the work- let him arrange days out, invite you to do stuff. You just keep all communication basic, give him less to work with.

Let go of the rope, basically. Stop chasing him. It takes an audience for his performance to work, just walk away.

Think of him like an attention seeking toddler, and don't get caught up in the 'why can't I?' demands.

Honestly it will feel odd at first, but it will get so much easier when you stop playing by his rules.

I think you're right. i've actually hated how I've become, walking on eggshells when I'm trying not to start a fight... - love the gently boiling frog!! Grin I actually am exhausted trying to keep him happy. I know in my heart I can't keep on like this... so a hard decision has to be made.
OP posts:
frozendaisy · 25/08/2021 21:47

Nope would find his level of neediness deeply unattractive and would happily tell him. He'll sulk anyway might as well give him something big to sulk about.

Monr0e · 25/08/2021 21:53

How old is your DD and in what way does he not get on with her?
How long have you lived together?

As for the rest, just stop rising to it. Stop changing plans to suit him and do what makes you happy. He can join in or not. But he sounds like a tantrumming toddler and I'd have zero patience for that.

1FootInTheRave · 25/08/2021 23:13

I also agree with lastgirl.

He sounds a self obsessed, childish prick. He will suck every ounce of happiness unless it revolves around him. Likely more so if it is an occasion that involves your kids.

They deserve better. As do you.

insidenumber5 · 25/08/2021 23:47

*I do not share my conversations with my partner with my son. My son currently lives away from home for work so he doesn't know what I am discussing here - and I'm not about to tell him either. So, I'm not being defensive, just requesting answers to my original question - not a judgement on my life choices.

Saying that - I am not averse to people having a strong opinion, but clearly I am on here because I know something is going wrong.

My feeling is - if someone asks for help you don't then stamp all over them and tell them how they've messed up and try to make them feel bad right? You empathise, you try to walk in their shoes and see how to be helpful.

Lastgirlstanding was in many ways like my partner - making it all about her anger, how angry she felt - not about my situation at all. And no one has the right to judge anyone on here. If you don't like what someone has put, don't comment.*

But your DD does live at home and you've already said that she and your DP don't get on (I assume that this is due to his behaviour). And you've already said that your DP makes everything about him, so will continue to commandeer and ruin anything nice between you and your kids rather than embrace being welcomed into your family.

I get that some comments might be hard to read but you did literally invite opinions.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 01:42

Tbf up, him not getting in with your daughter is reason enough alone for you to kick his ass out. Your daughter deserves to live stress free in her own home.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 01:43

*tbf op

Hellotoallmyfans · 26/08/2021 01:56

You sound like a bit of a doormat Op, sorry. Why are you constantly trying to placate this man? picklemewalnuts advice was spot on. You need to grey rock him - he's like a toddler demanding his mummy's attention - so stop giving it to him.

And start making plans to get him out x

WinterSunglasses · 26/08/2021 02:03

You said you haven't been together that long. Ditch him and don't look back. It's not your job to fix his childhood traumas -they are his to work on.

As for responses, try any of these followed by starting another task or leaving the room

Not this again
There's no pleasing you today
Yes, I am (when you're told you are selfish or whatever - they don't expect you to agree)

RantyAunty · 26/08/2021 02:40

In this situation just go with your DS an enjoy the day just the two of you. Give him a good send off! Try to ignore your DP sulking etc. the best you can.

You mentioned finances were difficult due to covid. Did one of you lose your job?

Maskedrevenger · 26/08/2021 02:41

If the only reason you are not asking him to move out is because of the financial situation you are in and you are saying you are stuck for another year, then the relationship is done really isn’t it? Also it’s not just you who is stuck it’s your DD as well, unless she has the means to move out and leave you to it?
Is there anyway you can improve your income so you are not so stuck? Did your son have a bedroom at your place, can you look at getting a lodger or Airbnb the room for the odd night? Can you find a way to earn a little more, maybe dog walking for someone else while you are walking yours? Does your DD pay digs or if not could she pay a little to help bring more money into the house?

litterbird · 26/08/2021 03:07

Stop placating him, do not indulge in his childishness, stop walking on eggshells. If he starts making it all about him pull him up and tell him that it’s not about him but what you are doing. Put your boundaries up immediately and get out of this toxic relationship ASAP for the sake of your mental health but most of all for you poor daughter caught in this toxicity. Find a way or he will damage you and your children.

choli · 26/08/2021 03:24

Which of you is the broke one?

Goneblank38 · 26/08/2021 03:36

Hey OP, I don't think there's anything you can say to placate him because he doesn't want to be placated. He's angry and he wants an argument. You won't win and he won't listen. I'd probably just say something like, "This is unproductive/unhelpful" and leave. Like a previous poster said, try to minimise your engagement.
I'd also take a really serious look at your finances and see if you can make a go of it without him. Like others have noted, he's trying to drive a wedge between you and your children. This bodes very badly for the future of your relationship. For your daughter's sake, I'd get out as soon as you can. In the meantime I would try and spend as much alone time with your daughter as you can. How is your relationship with her at the moment? This sounds really stressful for her (and you!).

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2021 03:42

@litterbird

Stop placating him, do not indulge in his childishness, stop walking on eggshells. If he starts making it all about him pull him up and tell him that it’s not about him but what you are doing. Put your boundaries up immediately and get out of this toxic relationship ASAP for the sake of your mental health but most of all for you poor daughter caught in this toxicity. Find a way or he will damage you and your children.
All of the above. Stop pandering to this infantile fuckwit. Your poor daughter must be miserable.
BeachDrifting · 26/08/2021 05:08

He’s not going to change and if he’s twisting your words there really is nothing you can do. Your trip to Uni with your son has now been ruined. It’s up to you how often you let him do this. He sounds selfish. To be honest, I’ve found lots of men his age to be like this. The world revolves around him. Time to stop. Rip off the bandaid. Tell him it’s not working out and you want to split. It’s just not working is it?

ElspethFlashman · 26/08/2021 09:51

Well put it this way, if your daughter had not her eye on the front door already I'd be astounded.

She doesn't think he's going anywhere, does she? Her home is not comfortable for her and isn't ever going to be again, as far as she's aware.

She'll be gone long before him. Wouldn't blame her tbh.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 10:47

Honestly, if I were financially stable right now I would ask him to leave but think I need to stick this out for another year at least!

Another year your daughter has to share a home with a man who doesn't like her and who is jealous of your relationship with her and her brother 😞

Sakurami · 26/08/2021 10:57

Urgh. What a pathetic man. He's wrong and you're right and I couldn't be with someone like him.

dreamingbohemian · 26/08/2021 10:57

You can't live with him for another year, that's so unfair to your poor daughter

What is wrong with your financial situation that he can't be told to leave? I bet people here could give you some advice to help.

Chloemol · 26/08/2021 11:17

It’s simple you just tell him what you are going to do, and give him the choice to come or not ( if you want him to come)

Do this every time you want to do something

Then look at sorting finances and asking him to leave and live elsewhere.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 11:22

So you're just going to keep sleeping with someone you dont even like anymore, that treats your kids like shit, for another year. For money. Thats what it boils down to op. When you put it like that, does it sound acceptable to you?

I'd sleep in a tin can flat with the two kids before I'd do that shit. Talk to citizens advice, see what benefits you might be entitled to and downsize. Dont stay with a nasty man for money.

Original poster
californiadreamer · 26/08/2021 12:03

@freeatlast2021

I am so sorry you are going through this and I completely understand how you feel. I find that there are two kinds of people in this world, those who care about others, are considerate and compassionate and those who only ever think of themselves and care about themselves. I am sure you can tell which one your partner may be.

If you can ignore him and just keep doing whatever you need to do to take care of your son right now, do that, otherwise, sit him down and tell him exactly what you told us, this is not about him, that he should try to think of you and your son first and give you some breathing space or he should get out of your way.

Good luck and god speed my friend.

Thank you for such kind and supportive words.
OP posts:
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