Confused by my partner making everything about him

[californiadreamer]

Hi all,

I'm so confused and wondering if I'm being gaslighted.

I love my partner very much and on the whole we get on really well. However he seems to make every single situation about him and his feelings.

My son has asked me to help him drive down to Uni with his stuff which I am more than happy to do. I initially asked my partner if he would like to come along so we could make a day of it - but I also said I realised that he may not want to so gave him the choice. We also have dogs so we would have to find someone to look after them while we are out.

My partner came up with a plan for his 21 year old son to come over and look after the dogs, but it got so elaborate and complex as his son doesn't drive - it started getting so difficult. In the meantime I suggested to my son that we get some lunch after I help him unload at Uni -

My partner has since hit the roof - saying he thought we were going to make a day of it, why am I now making plans to have lunch with my son, and that I don't consider his feelings etc. Thing is - I was only suggesting it and nothing is set in stone - my thought is that me and my partner would then go and have the rest of the afternoon to myself.

He doesn't seem to realise this day is not about him - but that's exactly what it's becoming. I've since told him that I don't want to put him and his son out as it seems so much trouble - so I suggested i just go on my own. That seemed to make things even worse!! He's never happy.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would understand that this was a big day for my partner and his son and would just go along and be supportive and not try to cause problems.

He's now brought up all the other times I've "been inconsiderate" - (i.e. when i made plans to take my daughter to London or wanted my children to have Christmas with us) even though we went through those at the time and I apologised where I thought it necessary.

He's been very unhappy lately = and says if he had the money he would find his own place (but not split up). So I said to him "maybe the quicker you find the money and move out the better" - he then replied "oh, very nice for your girlfriend to say that" - even though he's been saying it all week and telling my how unhappy he is.

I feel so frustrated because everything I am saying he is twisting and turning back on me. So I start defending myself which makes it worse. I am now feeling so panicked because he is twisting what were only my good intentions to keep everyone happy - and making me sound like a bad person.

How do you handle someone who thinks the worst and twists your words?

Thanks

Hmm I don't agree with the majority but I may have read it wrong. I would feel quite left out if my dh asked me to come up with him and dss and then made lunch arrangements without me but invited me after as if I was an after thought.

I wonder if you changed tack and tried to be more of a team with dp it might work better. Ie dp I was thinking of us all having lunch before me and you go off to say bye to ds, you up for that? Instead of inviting him to lunch thats already been arranged. I'd probably feel quite rejected if I was him whether that's being childish or not I'd feel it.

@StarryNight468

Hmm I don't agree with the majority but I may have read it wrong. I would feel quite left out if my dh asked me to come up with him and dss and then made lunch arrangements without me but invited me after as if I was an after thought.

I wonder if you changed tack and tried to be more of a team with dp it might work better. Ie dp I was thinking of us all having lunch before me and you go off to say bye to ds, you up for that? Instead of inviting him to lunch thats already been arranged. I'd probably feel quite rejected if I was him whether that's being childish or not I'd feel it.

I think i may not have explained it right - lunch was intended for all three of us after we'd dropped my son's stuff off, not just me and my ds. My partner and son get on well together.

My STBXh was like this. Everything was turned around on me. He was an expert blame shifter, and it was exhausting. I got so tired of trying to explain myself and "no, that's not what I meant/said..."

I walked on eggshells during my entire (short) marriage. After I left him, the relief I felt was immense. I didn't know I was treading water, until I stopped.

For me, the good times were had were fantastic!...But then I realized that the only reason why they seemed so good was because it was such a contrast to when things were bad. I got caught up in the cycle of emotional abuse. If I could survive the accusations and rages, I knew good times were just around the corner.

But now looking back I see that the good times really weren't that good on their own. I had set my bar too low.

Set that bar higher, OP. Know your worth and don't forget to add tax!

Sending you love and strength!

You deal with itby getting rid of them.

This is an important day for your son, take him on your own, don't let your partner ruin it.

How do you handle someone who thinks the worst and twists your words

Why do you think you should have to do this? How would you expect to be 'handled' if you consistently thought the worst of someone and twisted their words?

It sounds tiring OP and you echo your confusion throughout your post. I think you have your answer really, what do you want to do about this?