I’m gay - but my mum is still horrified

[Stripeythin]

I’m 40 and I’ve finally just started to come out as a lesbian. I’ve had a long term straight relationship as I was so desperate to be straight. In my late teens I tried to come out to my mum and she advised me to never tell anyone and just to ignore it and she was quite angry about it.
However I reached a point where I could no longer deny it and I spoke to her again recently. She’s still horrified but I guess realises there’s little she can do about it. She has advised me not to tell my dad as it would ‘finish him off.’ She said he wouldn’t cope with the news and he would be devastated. My parents are in their mid 60s.
I’m so tired of feeling ashamed for something I can’t help. If I could help it, I’d be straight.

She's rude and obviously not got her daughters best interested at heart.

It's not her living a lie she isn't going through each day like you are so why do you care?

The aim of life is to be happy and whatever it takes to do that should be done (as long as you're not hurting anyone which you aren't.)

If only more people lived an authentic life and stopped caring what others thought so much, the world would be a much better place.

Best of luck OP

You don't need to be ashamed they need to respect your human rights. Tell her you are sure he'll get over it and to stop protecting his stupid bigoted feelings. Good luck op

She said he’s already had heart problems and the news would probably bring on a heart attack and kill him.

I know I’m an adult and it’s up to me, but it’s really upset me.

sorry you're stuck with homophobic parents. Fwiw I'm 60 and most people of my age are, afaik, not like this - being homosexual is just part of the range of completely ordinary and no one else's business.

Your dad may or may not be as horribly narrow minded as your mum, of course.

@Stripeythin

She said he’s already had heart problems and the news would probably bring on a heart attack and kill him.

Wow

This is an horrific thing to say to your child.

I'm sorry things are like this for you.

You are pretty awesome to come out after a long straight relationship. Takes courage and strength to do what is right for you. Your mum should be proud of you for doing this not cross and sulky.

Good luck with your new phase of life 😊

I'm not surprised it's really upset you. Not only is she expecting you to carry on living a lie, one she effectively started you off on, but she's emotionally blackmailing you.

I'm Beto GC she's not actually that concerned about your father as much as she is about some idea/fantasy she has in her head of what her daughter and/or family should be like/what someone else will say - and I'd imagine whoever that/they are would be more horrified by her behaviour than the fact you may fall in love with a woman!

I'm not sure what you should do, other that entirely ignore her. You followed her advice before and it's massively impacted the course of your life. She does not have your best interests at heart now any more than she did when she told you to forget it. This is someone who will not give you approval especially if you seek it! It's hard because it's natural to want approval from our parents but if they can't give it, they can't. Doesn't mean we should suffer unnecessarily though.

I would come out to both of them and the rest of the world and if they can't handle it the go NC. You can't keep living a lie because of these narrow minded homophobic views. In their 60s they might have been born in a time where this was acceptable to hold these views but for the majority of their adult lives it has not been acceptable. They are being ridiculous and old fashioned and 60s is not that old.

*betting"! Not "Beto GC" whatever spellcheck thinks that is!!

I feel very sad that your Mum is so very ignorant.
You don't need her approval, you embrace who you are and be proud of yourself.
She doesn't deserve a lovely daughter like you.

I'm a bit younger than your parents and have friends whose ages span mid-20s to late 70s. The older ones among my friendship group wouldn't bat an eye about someone coming out. It is really nothing shocking to them.
Obviously you know your parents and how they are likely to react but what your mum says sounds quite ridiculous. It's very brave of you to stand up to her homophobia, and entirely your choice if you tell your dad.

Ah - it really hurts when you don’t have the support you need from your mum. I’ve been there (for different reasons). I’m L/B and have had long relationships with women and been too scared to tell me parents for a long time when I was younger. Now all the relatives I was worried about knowing are dead, and nobody cares. Wish I hadn’t been so worried.

My advice is - you’ll find pretty much no-one these days give a rat’s arse about sexuality aside from your parents. Others won’t bat an eyelid and you’ll find most people will be totally accepting if you want to tell them - you don’t have to tell people though; you can just get on with living life and not worry about “identity” or “coming out” or any of those things, and just enjoy starting to date women and discover yourself. It’s no-one’s business but yours!

It sounds like you’re letting what your parents think dominate your own thinking about being gay - like saying that you’d be straight if you could. In the nicest possible way, you need to care less about that (therapy may be useful?) and focus on enjoying your attraction to women. So your parents don’t approve? Don’t tell them! I know it’s upsetting, but just live your life how you want and they will have to put up with it. When you have a partner they can indulge in the fiction of your “close friend who happens to live with you because you are both single women and get on so well” if they like; just ignore it and carry on. They may also well realise that these days people don’t care and come round. But you should go ahead an live your life and enjoy it whether they approve or not.

Oh and ignore the emotional blackmail from your mum. It’s horrific that she feels it’s fine to say things like that to you. It sounds like there’s a longer history there of her/your parents being emotionally blackmailing and controlling. (My mum is too so I very much sympathise.) Don’t live your life any more being dominated by it - definitely get therapy: you need someone to talk to in a neutral space. Not about being lesbian but about your mum’s emotional blackmail! It will really help to get some perspective on that from a professional.

My mum is so opinionated on gay/lesbian relationships it's awful.I'm bi myself but would never come out to my mum as I know we would end up falling out ☹️

This makes me so sad. My DD has just come out to me at the age of 14. I told her I didn't mind who she loved or had relationships with and would love her no matter what. I then talked about how I will support and accept her always but it is sad that not everyone will. I just feel that in this day and age it is appalling that these attitudes still exist and that we can't all accept that everyone is individual. Please don't feel ashamed.

My mum has two close friends with gay sons.
But apparently that’s different as it’s more acceptable?!
I’m just sad and worn down. I didn’t expect her to jump for joy but she essentially wants me to keep on hiding it forever.

Good for you op, live your life the way you want to. We only get one go at life, this isn't a rehearsal! Your parents should be glad you're finally happy. Hopefully they will come round, if not the problem is theirs.

• My mum has two close friends with gay sons. But apparently that’s different as it’s more acceptable?! * Where the hell does she get that idea from? female homosexuality has never been illegal in the U.K.

for you op

My daughter came out to me recently after a long relationship with a man. I can partly understand how your mum must feel. It's a shock when the person you love most tells you something you never expected. You have to mentally recalibrate. However after the initial surprise you do get over it and give yourself a shake. I didn't see it coming and so was caught unawares but love my daughter and have to respect her feelings. She is who she has always been and now has a female partner whom I also love dearly.

I am sorry that your Mum is finding this difficult and that this is making for a strain in your relationship. Please try to forgive her, but don't apologise for who you are. You deserve to be happy. Please also don't pretend to your Dad. He may find it difficult at first but will come round I hope.

I can appreciate it is a shock - although I have tried to tell her previously so possibly less of a shock? I feel as though she must have suspected.

I have a vision now of telling my dad and then him clutching his chest and collapsing and dying.

Hey OP. Similar boat here only no dad to be used as emotional blackmail. I've recently tucked myself back into the closet(!) as I had to move home from London to look after my mother. We're out in the sticks, and my workplace is also very homophobic but it seems particularly so regarding lesbians. It's exhausting. The happiest gay people I know around here are the ones from elsewhere who don't have family here, or the ones who came out when they were really young.

I think the best way to deal with this is to just live your life and hooray for whoever sticks with you, but god knows I don't have the guts to do that. It's hard. Do you have friends who are on board with everything?

Hope you're ok OP

Mid 60's! If you'd have said 80-90 I might have been a lot less surprised by her attitude. You must know your mum is (IMHO) seriously out of step with a lot of her generation - I guess you have to try and accept her for what she is in the same way you want her to accept you the way you are - is it just the fear of the unknown and other peoples reactions? (you have probably also had the same feelings). Don't you think she will just get over it more quickly and more easily than she imagines? Does he just need reassurance that you aren't going to change into a completely different person? You can't keep this in because of her but you know them and are in the best place to decide but your mum's emotional blackmail thing is not on. I wouldn't let her small minded and ignorant views stop you from doing what you want and need to do.

One of the greatest joys and privileges in my life has been knowing and seeing young people come out - even without the initial support from their families - and to know them being so much happier because they can be completely true to themselves. It's a beautiful thing.

@Stripeythin

My mum has two close friends with gay sons. But apparently that’s different as it’s more acceptable?! I’m just sad and worn down. I didn’t expect her to jump for joy but she essentially wants me to keep on hiding it forever.

I suspect its acceptable because they're not her sons! Perhaps she has been secretly enjoying feeling superior to these friends and is dismayed that now she'll be "brought down to their level". It's a horrible attitude but sadly she seems a horrible person to say that about your dad.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. Luckily the vast majority of people are nowhere near so close minded these days.

She says a gay son could be ‘fun’ and they’ve stayed close to their mums.