I’m gay - but my mum is still horrified

[Stripeythin]

I’m 40 and I’ve finally just started to come out as a lesbian. I’ve had a long term straight relationship as I was so desperate to be straight. In my late teens I tried to come out to my mum and she advised me to never tell anyone and just to ignore it and she was quite angry about it.
However I reached a point where I could no longer deny it and I spoke to her again recently. She’s still horrified but I guess realises there’s little she can do about it. She has advised me not to tell my dad as it would ‘finish him off.’ She said he wouldn’t cope with the news and he would be devastated. My parents are in their mid 60s.
I’m so tired of feeling ashamed for something I can’t help. If I could help it, I’d be straight.

The irony is that her daughter would be closer to her if she was a supportive mother. And her daughter would be more fun if she was happy, not living a lie to please her. She is a short sighted bigot. Be yourself - maybe she'll come round, maybe she won't. Your dad will be fine, don't let her emotionally manipulate you any longer. Stop apologising for who you are and be proud.

Your dad's reaction is his own responsibility. We must all own our own views. Doesn't change who you are. I'm sure you'll be as tactful and gentle as possible, thats where your responsibility ends.

I'm so sorry your Mum isn't able to be supportive and seems to be deliberately trying to sabotage your happiness.

I think you should tell your Dad. He's going to notice anyway when you start your next serious relationship with a woman. It won't kill him - but he may react poorly of course, like your mother did.

But I think you will feel the relief of shedding the lies you've tried to maintain about your life. It's time to live for you.

It's 2021;largely these days no one cares (in the kindest way) what your sexuality is;it doesn't change anything about you.

Unfortunately your parents generation still struggle with this based on the religious and cultural views they were raised with.It was treated as shameful.

Live your life;don't let yourself be blackmailed;go NC if you have too,why should you be forced to be with a man to fit in with their views?

@thenewduchessofhastings

It's 2021;largely these days no one cares (in the kindest way) what your sexuality is;it doesn't change anything about you.

Unfortunately your parents generation still struggle with this based on the religious and cultural views they were raised with.It was treated as shameful.

Live your life;don't let yourself be blackmailed;go NC if you have too,why should you be forced to be with a man to fit in with their views?

There are plenty of people of that age who aren't bigoted and don't engage in emotional blackmail.

So sorry you’re having to deal with this. Thought such attitudes were long gone. I’m nearly 60, husband mid-60s. Late parents with relatively young “children”. Neither of us would be the least perturbed. People are who they are and that’s the basis on which you love them. Their character doesn’t change because they live someone of the same sex.
The “finish him off” comment is cruel. Presumptuous too. How is your relationship with your dad? Talk to him, you may well be surprised. Just because your mum is homophobic doesn’t mean your dad is. I love my husband of over years with passion and often think I know him inside out. He still manages to surprise me sometimes. Your dad may surprise your mum.

Over 30

What if you told your Dad and he opened his arms and loved you as you are? Give him the chance to be lovely.

I'm married to my fantastic wife following a 10 year marriage to a man. We've been together 8 years.
I told my grandad I was married to a woman when he was 97....He looked at me like I was bonkers for pointing it out. He'd clearly worked it out for himself. My mum had insisted I mentioned it as he was coming to stay for Christmas and she thought it might be awkward for not making it clear.....?!

Bless your grandad @Blueuggboots

@Stripeythin what do you think your dads reaction would be?

@5zeds

What if you told your Dad and he opened his arms and loved you as you are? Give him the chance to be lovely.

Please do this. I am a guy in my late 50's and if I thought my daughter couldn't tell me she was gay, that would be my failure as a parent. He will want you to be happy.

I'm so sorry. I came out to my mum aged 23, she said all the right things to me (its fine / dont worry / doesnt change anything ect), but never told anyone else in the family about it. Even that level of homophobia - the level where she was cool with me, but never wanted to tell anyone else because she was either ashamed or worried about their homophobia - has left me with some self esteem problems, which is 100% put down to not being straight.

Im almost 40 too, so we were raised in the same era, it really wasnt easy when we were young, i suspected i was gay in school but id have literally killed myself if anyone had found out. The world has changed since then, i sincerely hope its easier for young people now, and i think it is.

Get yourself to Manchester Pride this weekend, have a ball and send your mum a post card. You get one life, you owe it to yourself to live it authentically. I know its hard though. Have you considered joining any LGBTQI groups? Online or in person, to build a support network of people who really "get it"?

I would not be surprised if your dad realises that you might be a lesbian anyway. Sorry to read about your mum's attitude.

The OPs dad may or may not be more ok with it than her mother, she's best able to judge that. But to be sure I wouldn't take the mothers assessment at face value without considering her motivations.

Thank you for the kind messages of support.

I hope it’s different now too, I think it is to some degree. My mother has told me id face a huge amount of stigma. When I told her - more recently I mean, not in my teens, the first thing she said was ‘don’t tell anyone else about this.’ I’ve since told a couple of friends and they’ve been fine about it. My mother would be outraged if she knew I’d told anyone else. She doesn’t want my aunt to know either.
I’m tired of it. I can’t help it. It’s not a choice. If I were I’d be choosing to be straight, everyone would be happier and my mum wouldn’t be ashamed of me.

I really feel for you OP. My sister was so miserable for years before she came out in her mid thirties - we were all so happy for her when she did (including parents who are a fair bit older than yours)

I would go low contact with your parents tbh, you need to be true to yourself and live your life, don't let them drag you down.

@Stripeythin

My mum has two close friends with gay sons. But apparently that’s different as it’s more acceptable?! I’m just sad and worn down. I didn’t expect her to jump for joy but she essentially wants me to keep on hiding it forever.

Brilliant, she's a hypocrite as well as a bigot.

Tell your mum your sexuality belongs to you, & it's not her decision about who you come out to. Tell her that it's her problem, not yours ... & then tell your dad.

Nobody ever died of a heart attack because of somebody else's sexual orientation. Your mother is being utterly poisonous with that guilt trip.

I am so sorry your parents have kept you in the closet for so long, & made you so unhappy & self-doubting. You have every right to be very angry with your mother, & to express that to her. Especially as she accepts her friends having gay sons - can she not see how hurtful that is?

Don't hide it any longer, OP. Find your tribe, & celebrate it. You have every right to be fully yourself, & happy in yourself

You really wont face a huge amount of stigma!

And honestly if its a choice between being judged by ignorant homophobic people and being with a woman the way you want to be, or being accepted by those ignorant homophobic people, but never finding true love.....its really a no brainer.

As an aside, if you are only just coming out to yourself too I will give you the same list of things to watch my first girlfriend gave me. I learned a lot: If these walls could talk 2, The L word, Queer as Folk (UK version) Brokeback Mountain.

More recently i would also add Its a sin

@Stripeythin

Thank you for the kind messages of support.

I hope it’s different now too, I think it is to some degree. My mother has told me id face a huge amount of stigma. When I told her - more recently I mean, not in my teens, the first thing she said was ‘don’t tell anyone else about this.’ I’ve since told a couple of friends and they’ve been fine about it. My mother would be outraged if she knew I’d told anyone else. She doesn’t want my aunt to know either.
I’m tired of it. I can’t help it. It’s not a choice. If I were I’d be choosing to be straight, everyone would be happier and my mum wouldn’t be ashamed of me.

Your mum is a real horror. You have no need to 'obey' her stupid wishes.

And her comment She says a gay son could be ‘fun’ and they’ve stayed close to their mums is so outrageously misogynistic as well as lesbophobic.

Has she not considered that these sons have "stayed close to their mums" because their mums aren't nasty bigots?
You could try asking her that one OP. What have you got to lose?

Is she manipulative in other ways/about other things?

I can't imagine that an otherwise healthy relationship would yield this 'You'll kill your Dad if you tell him' response. It's nothing but an emotionally destructive lie. It's such a damaging thing to say, for your self esteem, for your relationship with your Dad, for your relationship with her.

What does she think she's gaining by saying something like that? It's just awful. I'm not surprised it's made you feel crap, but you really have nothing to feel crap about. There's always a little bit of prejudice here and there, but largely, you won't notice it or even be subjected to it. Your Mum is wrong.

Just to say I'm not that much younger than your parents. I have a lot of friends and family of my own age and older. I can't imagine any of them having the reaction your mum has had. We have lived through far more liberal times than you may imagine and seen many changes in equality, gay rights etc. She did a terrible thing to tell you to ignore it and not tell anyone.

And I very much doubt the supposed "shock" would cause your dad to have a heart attack. Presumably if he's had problems, he has also received treatment / medication for them? I think the idea of shock killing someone is probably the stuff of movies and books only.