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Original poster

I’m gay - but my mum is still horrified

71 replies

Stripeythin · 25/08/2021 08:54

I’m 40 and I’ve finally just started to come out as a lesbian. I’ve had a long term straight relationship as I was so desperate to be straight. In my late teens I tried to come out to my mum and she advised me to never tell anyone and just to ignore it and she was quite angry about it.
However I reached a point where I could no longer deny it and I spoke to her again recently. She’s still horrified but I guess realises there’s little she can do about it. She has advised me not to tell my dad as it would ‘finish him off.’ She said he wouldn’t cope with the news and he would be devastated. My parents are in their mid 60s.
I’m so tired of feeling ashamed for something I can’t help. If I could help it, I’d be straight.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 25/08/2021 10:31

My 80 year old Mum to her grandaughter : " I'm so glad you felt you could tell me."
Your Mum's age is not the relevant thing here, her prejudice is. Have she and your dad constructed a world where news they don't like will cause a heart attack? She's being ridiculous. Speak to your Dad and tell him the truth. It's not good for your mental health to be living a lie.

MyDcAreMarvel · 25/08/2021 10:32

@ttcissoboring The aim of life is to be happy that is one of the most self centred shallow comments, I have ever read.

Wiredforsound · 25/08/2021 10:35

Don’t ever hide who you are. Be proud and stand up for your right to be acknowledged and loved. Don’t keep it a secret - it is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and the vast majority of your family and friends will happily support you. Shine a light on yourself and don’t let your mother try to shame you. This should not be a family secret - it should be a celebration of honesty, and diversity and acceptance.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 25/08/2021 10:37

One of my close friends hid his sexuality from his Dad. His Dad has since died and my friend regrets not being able to tell him and missing his chance to have a closer relationship with him.

Thelnebriati · 25/08/2021 10:37

I have a vision now of telling my dad and then him clutching his chest and collapsing and dying.

I'm sure thats exactly what your Mum wants you to think. You dont know how your Dad would feel about you being gay. Its possible your Mum is using him to keep you quiet.
Take your Dad out to a cafe or the pub for a chat, and sound him out.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 25/08/2021 10:46

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@ttcissoboring* The aim of life is to be happy* that is one of the most self centred shallow comments, I have ever read.[/quote]
Why is this selfish? Of course people should aim to be happy, you only live once. Not at the expense of other people but it’s a balance. She shouldn’t sacrifice her happiness to pander to homophobes or toxic family members.

Kiki275 · 25/08/2021 10:58

Your mum is awful!

It's the worst excuse to use about your dad too. I've personally never heard of anyone die or suffer any adverse health because their child came out as gay. The only issues I know of are where the person told has little else to think about in their lives but how much they dislike this revelation... which is their problem. It also sets up whole family groups for a lifetime of lies because it can't be revealed the gay family member is happy in a new relationship x

TheNarwhalBalloon · 25/08/2021 11:02

I'm so sorry, how hurtful. I can't imagine how that rejection must feel. I hope you can find happiness and live your life true to who you are.

RNBrie · 25/08/2021 11:02

Urgh. I really feel for you OP. My brother is gay, came out when he was 18 but to most of us it had been clear long before then. My mum banned us from talking about it or mentioning it in public for over a year (we mostly ignored her) and she said my "poor" dad would never get over it which turned out to be a massive load of bollocks. Dad was and still is completely fine about it.

pickingdaisies · 25/08/2021 11:11

I don't understand your mum's attitude. She would have been a teenager in the seventies, when everybody was in love with David Bowie. She's not afraid of your dad not coping, she's afraid that he'll be fine with it and tell all their friends! Which is not your problem. Be who you are, live the life you are meant to live, do not apologise for that to anyone.

ErrolTheDragon · 25/08/2021 11:15

I guess you have to try and accept her for what she is in the same way you want her to accept you the way you are

I don't think 'manipulative sexist homophobe' compares even slightly with 'lesbian' tbh.

Pinkbonbon · 25/08/2021 11:26

I bet your dad would not be bothered in the slightest. 'Dont tell your dad/brother/sister' is very common from nasty personality sorts. To imply that other people would also have a problem with what is going on. An attempt at justifying their own ignorance and cruelty. Gaslighting.

I'd just go 'Het dad! Mum says not to tell you because she is a huge drama queen and reacons you can't handle it. So are you sitting down, clutching some pearls, cup of tea, ambulance on speed dial? (Jokingly). So it turns out, I'm gay! Not that it's a big deal, but just a heads up. You still alive there? Great, wish you could tell mum to step into this centuary like you have!'.

ttcissoboring · 25/08/2021 11:38

@MyDcAreMarvel huh?!!!

ttcissoboring · 25/08/2021 11:40

@MyDcAreMarvel not sure what life you're aiming to live but good to you!

gogohm · 25/08/2021 11:50

So sorry, it's just horrible to have to hide your true self. But if I were you I would simply keep your life separate from them, not a case of no contact but simply do duty visits, if asked why you don't see much of them by your mother say it's because you spend your time with your partner and that she has made it clear that that part of your life isn't welcome!

Thankfully my parents were amazingly welcoming to my brothers partners over the years but to wider family we didn't push the point due to them being bigoted, at my wedding I did insist my brother bring him but he introduced him as a friend rather than cohabiting partner, to avoid drama (my brother is the least gay person who I have ever met Smile proof that you cannot choose your sexuality!)

Live and let live is my motto - my dd has had boyfriends and girlfriends!

Drgnbllx · 25/08/2021 15:52

You shouldn't have to live an unhappy live to satisfy your parent's bigotry. If I was you, I'd come out and live how you see fit, and they can like it or lump it. You've pandered enough.

I guess you have to try and accept her for what she is in the same way you want her to accept you the way you are

She really doesn't.

billy1966 · 25/08/2021 16:00

What an absolute cow and what an utterly shameful thing to say to you.

OP, I also feel for your ex.

That must have been very hard for him.

Your mother has known well but just doesn't care enough for you to be happy.

Put distance between you.

It's not in your best interests to be around such poison.
Flowers

Original poster
Stripeythin · 25/08/2021 16:07

We split anyway. He isn’t aware of my sexuality and it wasn’t a factor in the split.

I’m feeling very sad about all of it though. My mother advised me to find a man and just never have sex with him 🙄

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2021 16:11

@Stripeythin

She said he’s already had heart problems and the news would probably bring on a heart attack and kill him.
Your mother is gaslighting you. Do not be a prisoner to her prejudice. Tell your dad, tell everyone in the entire fucking world. You are making your mother's shame your own, please don't do that. The only shameful thing in this story is your mother.
cariadlet · 25/08/2021 16:20

Ignore the emotional blackmail and just be yourself. We only get one life. It's too short to spend it pretending to be something that you're not.

Btw, I think age is irrelevant when it comes to this. You get prejudiced people of all ages and accepting people of all ages.

One of my cousins is gay but his parents have always been in denial. He's had 2 long term partners who he's lived with and who they like but they always talk about his "friend" as if they're flatmates. I met up with my mum and auntie yesterday. They both agreed that this is ridiculous and that it's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. My mum and auntie are both in their 80s.

RedMarauder · 25/08/2021 16:28

@Stripeythin

She says a gay son could be ‘fun’ and they’ve stayed close to their mums.
More of the lesbians/bisexual women and girls I know are closer to their dads than their mothers.

So come out to your dad when you are with him when you are on your own.

He will not have a heart attack or any health issues from you being a lesbian. If he has any health problems it will be due to dealing with your mum's bigotry towards his child when he tells her you have come out to him.

Also you are now 40 - start living your life for you not your mum. You are nearly half-way through your life.

NowEvenBetter · 25/08/2021 17:53

Sounds like your mother has far too many opportunities to inflict her worthless gibberish on your ears. Maybe her mates gay sons hang out with their mothers more because their mothers aren’t sub intellect bigoted trash.

6fingerkitkat · 25/08/2021 18:30

@Stripeythin

We split anyway. He isn’t aware of my sexuality and it wasn’t a factor in the split.

I’m feeling very sad about all of it though. My mother advised me to find a man and just never have sex with him 🙄

Wow - she's keeps trotting out the offensive and ignorant statements doesn't she.

Hang in there ! 🌈

Sakurami · 25/08/2021 18:33

So you've had to waste 20 years of your life in relationships with men becaus of your mum. OP, come out to your dad, it won't kill him and hopefully he will be happy or accept it and that will maybe relax your mum.

You deserve to have a loving relationship and there si no room for such bigotry.

Heruka · 25/08/2021 18:36

This is more than rude OP, this is emotionally abusive behaviour from your mum. It will not kill your dad and even if it did, that would not be your fault, it would be them who would be shamed by their rank homophobia and lack of acceptance of their child.