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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stalker or am i over reacting?

59 replies

AntisocialAnna · 24/08/2021 16:17

Hey, so this is just a quick one but I was unsure how to feel about this.

A guy that I went to school with almost 30 years ago got re-in contact via social media, he was never someone that I spoke to often but we were in the same year at school.

It started off as a genuine catch-up which I was okay with but it eventually led to him suggesting we meet up, he came on VERY strong and kept saying he had always had a crush on me and that he had thought of me quite often during the past years.

I'm not looking to date right now and if I'm honest I'm really just not interested in him at all in that way so I just politely let him down and said that I'm not interested in taking this any further than friends and that I completely understand if he wants to end the conversation here.

At the time he sort of joked around that "no right now doesn't mean no forever" which I told him that, it certainly does and again that I'm not looking to take this further, he apologized and said he understood and was happy to be friends.

However, he has popped up quite frequently since then, if I'm being completely honest, very regularly. With no exaggeration, he is the very first person to comment or message within seconds about anything that I post.

I am always polite and I make sure that I am not being too over-friendly so that I don't give the wrong impression, I think I may even come across as rude in my blunt replies but I can tell from the messages he is overly keen and is still trying, even after I told him clearly I wasn't interested.

Regardless, he doesn't seem to be getting the hint, most of the time I don't even respond to him because he messages so much and I would have continued to do that but we've had some turn of events since then which have left me feeling a little troubled.

Last week I received an odd message from him, asking if he had just seen me, somewhere local to where we both live. Neither of us has swapped addresses, but in our catch up it was mentioned that we are both still in the area where we went to school, so I don't think this is as bizarre?

Anyway, I said no, as it wasn't me and he made a joke and said "Oh I will have to keep looking then" to which I read and didn't respond because he's flirting makes me feel very awkward, especially after I've told him I'm not interested.

I came home from work earlier today, which no one apart from myself and work knew about. I've only been home about two hours and I had a knock at the front door, it was a flower delivery. All the note said was "I hope these make you smile xxx". I was completely bemused as I hadn't a clue who sent them. Until I receive a message on Instagram from the guy asking me if I liked the flowers.

I asked him if it was him who sent them and he said yes. To which I asked where he had got my address from, he responded saying he asked someone that I knew and that it was just a gesture to make me smile. I have read this but haven't responded.

I find this hard to believe because I have a VERY small circle and by small I mean one very close friend. I asked her and she said she definitely hadn't spoken to him and that if he would have asked, she would never have given my information out.

I am completely clueless as to who else he could have asked as I keep myself to myself and I am very private. But where else could he have got my address from?

I don't know, this situation just made me feel very uneasy because even if it is innocent, he clearly doesn't respect boundaries.

Do I just block and hope he goes away or do I need to more sternly re-instate my boundaries?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 24/08/2021 16:22

That is starting to get creepy. Definitely block him, maybe send him a message first telling him you don't want any sort of contact with him in the future and not to send you anything else, ugh I don't know, he sounds a bit like a "nice guy"

MaryBoBary · 24/08/2021 16:23

Hi OP, this is horrible for you and I would avoid him at all costs. But first I would ask him who exactly gave him my address and not accept a vague answer. That way you can either check with whoever he says or prove him to be lying. If he can't give you a name then I would also potentially speak to the police to log your concern and get some advice.

Tirediam · 24/08/2021 16:23

This give me the creeps. He’s not respecting boundaries at all. Block !

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 24/08/2021 16:24

He is inserting himself into your life. The sending of flowers has crossed a line. I would send a message along the lines of I do not wish to continue a relationship with you. Do not contact me again. If you do so I will inform the police. Take screenshots of your correspondance up to now and of the last message once it is showing as read.

Then block him.

If he comes near you or contacts you again then you go to the police.

PinkFizz1 · 24/08/2021 16:26

Do I just block and hope he goes away or do I need to more sternly re-instate my boundaries?

I think both. I think you need to spell it out in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is making you uncomfortable and you’d appreciate it if he never contacted you again (also to ‘lose’ your address would be beneficial as well… how on earth did he get that?!) and then block him. You’ve managed without his company on social media for 30 years remember. Smile

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2021 16:26

I would be contacting the police in your particular circumstances about this individual who has not and will not take no for an answer. Any communication you send is a response and to such people that is the reward; radio silence from you is necessary.

www.suzylamplugh.org/what-is-stalking is also a good website

PinkFizz1 · 24/08/2021 16:27

@MaryBoBary

Hi OP, this is horrible for you and I would avoid him at all costs. But first I would ask him who exactly gave him my address and not accept a vague answer. That way you can either check with whoever he says or prove him to be lying. If he can't give you a name then I would also potentially speak to the police to log your concern and get some advice.
Yes I definitely agree with finding out exactly how he got your address.
Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2021 16:27

Document everything, screenshots of messages, etc, and then send one final message telling him to never contact you again. Do not wait for a response, just block him.

Weedoogie · 24/08/2021 16:30

Restate your boundaries very clearly in writing, tell him the flowers were absolutely not appreciated and that he needs to move on and to leave you alone. Then block him.

If anything else happens then you'll need to get serious- I would have a word with the police and get advice about what to do from them.

AntisocialAnna · 24/08/2021 16:30

Thank you, everyone! although scary, I'm so glad that everyone agrees with the uneasiness of it all.

I haven't responded to the message just yet. I think I am going to go ahead with the final message and then block. Very unnerving because I also do want to know where he got my address from but don't want to engage too much.

OP posts:
AntisocialAnna · 24/08/2021 16:31

Thank you to everyone telling me to screenshot also, I have done just that, so all messages are on record.
Why cant people just respect boundaries?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2021 16:33

I would be getting a ring doorbell camera for added security.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2021 16:35

I would not respond to him as this further opens a door of communication that should remain closed. Do seriously consider contacting the police now.

BichonFrizz · 24/08/2021 16:36

Does he work in any kind of profession where he could look you up? NHS, GP, local council or (I really hope not but police).

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 24/08/2021 16:36

Much too much, OP.

Trust your instincts.

How dare he demand your attention and keep infiltrating your life and thoughts 🤬

I wouldn't dwell on where he got your address - sounds like he may have followed you? 🤢🤬🤢

Make your next message unequivocal, blunt and crystal clear, with references to reporting, along the lines of:

"Your flowers did NOT make me smile. I have no idea you got my address, but obviously by no genuine means as I have specifically not given it.

I have made it very clear that I do not have any romantic thoughts about you.

I was polite and friendly and you have overstepped the mark, massively.

I am blocking you, and please be clear - if you contact me or follow me again, I will report your unwanted attention to the police"

TheCuttySharp · 24/08/2021 16:41

"No, unfortunately the flowers were not appreciated. In fact they made me feel quite uncomfortable. I no longer want to persue a friendship where my boundaries are not respected. Please do not contact me again, via social media or any means. "

Then block. Everywhere.

And be weary of new friend requests.

AntisocialAnna · 24/08/2021 16:42

That's the thing, I originally took what he said in regards to having to keep looking like a passing comment but I have an unnerving image of him driving around the area in hopes of seeing me. Especially now he has my address.

I'm going to look into the doorbell camera as I think this would put my mind to rest.

@BichonFrizz Not that I know of! when we last had a proper conversation he said he was working in construction! x

OP posts:
AntisocialAnna · 24/08/2021 16:43

@TheCuttySharp Ah that is PERFECT!

I'm going to send it but I'm just a little worried in case he doesn't take this well, what do I do if he turns up at my house?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2021 16:46

I would call the police as he has already escalated this by finding out exactly where you live and having flowers delivered.

nolovelost · 24/08/2021 16:49

I think he's salked and followed you home at some point. I would report it now.

ArsenicNLace · 24/08/2021 16:50

Re your address. Are you on the electoral role. He could have got it via 192.com?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2021 16:51

I'm going to send it but I'm just a little worried in case he doesn't take this well, what do I do if he turns up at my house?

Keep your doors locked and do not open the door to him under any circumstances, no matter what he says. Call the police immediately.

TheCuttySharp · 24/08/2021 16:52

[quote AntisocialAnna]@TheCuttySharp Ah that is PERFECT!

I'm going to send it but I'm just a little worried in case he doesn't take this well, what do I do if he turns up at my house?[/quote]
I think that would be a worry either way, blocking him or not. Seems he's already overinvesyed himself.

At least this way you have proof you clearly told him to leave you alone.

I would block and the first hint of him I'd be onto the police.

2bazookas · 24/08/2021 16:53

That is stalking.

advice and links to a stalker helpline.

Dora26 · 24/08/2021 16:54

Definitely log it with local police station and take their advice over ours!

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