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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stalker or am i over reacting?

59 replies

AntisocialAnna · 24/08/2021 16:17

Hey, so this is just a quick one but I was unsure how to feel about this.

A guy that I went to school with almost 30 years ago got re-in contact via social media, he was never someone that I spoke to often but we were in the same year at school.

It started off as a genuine catch-up which I was okay with but it eventually led to him suggesting we meet up, he came on VERY strong and kept saying he had always had a crush on me and that he had thought of me quite often during the past years.

I'm not looking to date right now and if I'm honest I'm really just not interested in him at all in that way so I just politely let him down and said that I'm not interested in taking this any further than friends and that I completely understand if he wants to end the conversation here.

At the time he sort of joked around that "no right now doesn't mean no forever" which I told him that, it certainly does and again that I'm not looking to take this further, he apologized and said he understood and was happy to be friends.

However, he has popped up quite frequently since then, if I'm being completely honest, very regularly. With no exaggeration, he is the very first person to comment or message within seconds about anything that I post.

I am always polite and I make sure that I am not being too over-friendly so that I don't give the wrong impression, I think I may even come across as rude in my blunt replies but I can tell from the messages he is overly keen and is still trying, even after I told him clearly I wasn't interested.

Regardless, he doesn't seem to be getting the hint, most of the time I don't even respond to him because he messages so much and I would have continued to do that but we've had some turn of events since then which have left me feeling a little troubled.

Last week I received an odd message from him, asking if he had just seen me, somewhere local to where we both live. Neither of us has swapped addresses, but in our catch up it was mentioned that we are both still in the area where we went to school, so I don't think this is as bizarre?

Anyway, I said no, as it wasn't me and he made a joke and said "Oh I will have to keep looking then" to which I read and didn't respond because he's flirting makes me feel very awkward, especially after I've told him I'm not interested.

I came home from work earlier today, which no one apart from myself and work knew about. I've only been home about two hours and I had a knock at the front door, it was a flower delivery. All the note said was "I hope these make you smile xxx". I was completely bemused as I hadn't a clue who sent them. Until I receive a message on Instagram from the guy asking me if I liked the flowers.

I asked him if it was him who sent them and he said yes. To which I asked where he had got my address from, he responded saying he asked someone that I knew and that it was just a gesture to make me smile. I have read this but haven't responded.

I find this hard to believe because I have a VERY small circle and by small I mean one very close friend. I asked her and she said she definitely hadn't spoken to him and that if he would have asked, she would never have given my information out.

I am completely clueless as to who else he could have asked as I keep myself to myself and I am very private. But where else could he have got my address from?

I don't know, this situation just made me feel very uneasy because even if it is innocent, he clearly doesn't respect boundaries.

Do I just block and hope he goes away or do I need to more sternly re-instate my boundaries?

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 24/08/2021 16:55

That would creep me the fuck out. I would be blocking him, and I would also consider reporting your concerns to the police so it's recorded for the future in case this escalates.

JaneJeffer · 24/08/2021 16:55

Tell the police. He may have previous.

BichonFrizz · 24/08/2021 16:58

If you're worried then phone the police for advice so it's on their radar before you send the message. And if the ring doorbell would give you some reassurance now I'd probably pop out and get one installed ASAP.

It makes me furious that men like him think they can behave this way and we should be grateful for it.

SundaySheAteChocolate · 24/08/2021 16:59

You can't give an inch with these stalkers types. Could you ask a male relative to pop by a few times, he sounds like the sort of creep that may take a male seriously.

MadeForThis · 24/08/2021 17:01

Definitely send that message. If he is a normal guy who just took it too far he will be mortified that he has made you uncomfortable.

If he's a stalker type then you have notified him that his behaviour is unacceptable and told him to cease contact. If he continues then it is harassment.

HalzTangz · 24/08/2021 17:01

You need to reply back quite bluntly stating that
1-his behaviour is stalking and he had no right whatsoever to message anyone for your address.
2- his behaviour is stalking and he has no right to go out looking for you (including turning up at your workplace etc)
3-tell him if it continues you will have no option but to call the police

Then block him on all your social media's.

My bet is he didn't get the address from a friend but instead followed you home from work, did you mention your job in your catch up chats

GettingItOutThere · 24/08/2021 17:05

oh god this is weird.

send the message, block and consider reporting to 101?

this is creepy as fuck

HalzTangz · 24/08/2021 17:05

[quote AntisocialAnna]@TheCuttySharp Ah that is PERFECT!

I'm going to send it but I'm just a little worried in case he doesn't take this well, what do I do if he turns up at my house?[/quote]
You don't answer the door and you call the police

HollowTalk · 24/08/2021 17:08

Ugh you poor thing. Why on earth do people like this think any woman would enjoy this?

dappledsunshine · 24/08/2021 17:08

I agree with everyone else you're absolutely not overreacting.

I'd ring 101 and have a chat, you can log the issue and get their advice re sending a final message then blocking, the call handlers have always been really helpful when I've spoken to them in the past.

What a creep!

mrsbitaly · 24/08/2021 17:11

That is frigging creepy 😳 block block block.

Loveabitofrain · 24/08/2021 17:21

Geez op! I wouldn't like this either. I have a guy who messages and I have told him twice now that I am not interested; cool to be friends but that is IT! A couple of weeks go by and it all hearts on FB messages with a jokey 'when am I getting your number then'. Thankfully I know he lives a fair distance from me. Still he disrespects my boundaries so he will be getting blocked, again!

I'd be inclined to say thanks but you have things going on so are coming off social media for a while; then block!

Anonapuss · 24/08/2021 17:21

Agree with others. Let the police know, even if its just to log with no further action (they will decide what action to take, if any) for all the good reasons people have suggested:
He may have previous and require immediate action (if hes got to the point of hunting down old school crushes he barely knew 30 years ago he sounds a bit... unstable... he doesnt even know you, so he may well have done this many times before to people he knows better or similar to you)
You need someone in authority to have this on record incase anything awful happens - he shows up or worse - they will spring into action a lot faster for you and take it more seriously than a random call out the blue in an emergency and theyll know immediately who to look for.

UpstreamSwimmer · 24/08/2021 17:23

He's creepy. I'd have long blocked him.

vixeyann · 24/08/2021 17:29

He could have got from electoral roll or directory searches online but, even if he did, very creepy. I had something similar where I worked when I was 18. Roses arrived at home and it turned out the guy had gone into the manager's offices and looked in my personnel file. Very creeped out and I had to be so blunt.

Sakurami · 24/08/2021 17:38

I wouldn't respond until you have spoken to the police. This is creepy and potentially worrying. Could he have found out from your social media/LinkedIn where you work and waited for you to leave and followed you home? Or are you on any sort of phone book type things?

Whichever way you look at it, however he got your address it is scary.

cabingirl · 24/08/2021 17:52

It's not that hard to find addresses for people. There are lots of options unless you have worked quite hard to keep it a secret.

Electoral roll information
192.com and similar sites

There are a lot of websites using algorithms and web crawlers to spot patterns and compile information to jigsaw things like this together.

You often have to pay to get the information but someone who is determined won't mind doing that.

If he won't give you a mutual friend's name then he has definitely done it a creepy way such as digitally stalked you to get that information or as PP suggested has followed you back from work one day.

CorrBlimeyGG · 24/08/2021 18:00

Cutty's message is perfect, but don't put 'unfortunately'. Creeps like this will look for any sign that you might want contact, and any hint of apology gives him this.

Then as suggested, block everywhere.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Sometimes kindness can be greatly abused.

Disneycharacter · 24/08/2021 19:19

Report this to the police as it is stalking. They will give you advice re security. If it was me I'd move but that's an extreme measure at the moment.

Tara336 · 24/08/2021 19:37

I went through similar with a work colleague, it’s an awful feeling so I can sympathise. In the end I sent a text (after intervention from my employer didn’t work) telling him to stop contacting me or I would go to the police, it stopped for a while then restarted and I repeated that his contact was not wanted and I would go to the police, it worked thankfully. I did actually see him in the supermarket about 2 years ago and felt physically sick as he was leering and smiling at me even though it’s over 10 years since I had the problem. Vile man

sammylady37 · 24/08/2021 21:32

I had a similar situation years ago with a colleague. Unfortunately, at the time I was naive and used reply saying ‘you know I’m not interested’ etc and I returned gifts with a note saying they weren’t appropriate. However, that really only encouraged him to keep going. Once I had figured that out, I sent him a message that said “this will be my last ever text to you. If you contact me again, by any means, under any circumstances, I will report you to the guards* for harassment, which is a criminal offence”. I never heard from him again.
*the guards are what the Irish police are known as.

GlinnerForPM · 24/08/2021 21:37

OP are you ok?

StarTastic · 24/08/2021 21:44

paladinservice.co.uk/

Link for a service I often signpost people to. They have lots of helpful info and would allocate you a caseworker if you need one

bigbaggyeyes · 24/08/2021 21:54

I think him finding out your address is a massive red flag. I'd contact the police, explain (ring 111) the situation and they should send someone round to talk to him.

Messages are one thing, but actively seeking your address is massively overstepping the mark

Ughmaybenot · 24/08/2021 21:58

Goodness, how disconcerting for you. Lots of good advice on this thread already but just wanted to reassure you that you absolutely are not overreacting! His behaviour is very creepy.

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