My long term boyfriend has changed his mind about having another child

[Danimuso87]

I'm having a bit of a dilemma. I've been with my bf for 2 years now and he also has two children from a previous relationship who I absolutely adore and have become very close to in a stepmum role. We had always agreed that we wanted a child of our own and were going to wait until the time was right for all concerned. I've recently turned 34 and I just broached the subject this week about maybe thinking of trying next year for our own child when he hit me with the bombshell that he now doesn't want a third child as he feels that the other two would not receive his full attention when he has them for his weekend every other week. Granted yes he would have a third child in the mix but I would be there as usual to help with the other two as well as look after our own child together. I'm heartbroken as it's suddenly become a situation where after everything we have built and done together and dreamed of are in tatters and I feel like I'm stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place. This decision has only been decided on his part in the last couple of weeks after we went on holiday together with his family and it seems like hes panicking almost. He has said he doesn't want us to end and only wants a future with me but has decided last minute that he doesn't want another child and not sure whether that decsion will change in the next year or so... I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him as we love ewachtoher very much but it feels like its too much to ask of me.

This would be the end for me as it would definitely have been something that I would resent in the future. You need to decide if his children (because that's what they are and always will be) are enough for you on a part time basis or whether you want/need to have a baby/child/children of your own.
If it's the latter I'd end it as quickly as you can because the split will not get any easier. Sorry it has come to this for you.

I’m sorry but I would end it. Get out now whilst you still have fertile years left and time to find someone to have a baby with. He’s led you up the garden path.

You want different things in life. He doesn't care about your need to be a mum, or how distressing that is for you. He has, at least been honest enough to admit it, just a shame he wasn't so honest two years ago.

Either way, it's time to leave and find someone who shares the same dreams. I'm so sorry.

That would be a dealbreaker for me. You don't have years to hang around while he makes up his mind. Of course he wants things to continue as they are, he's already got children, his biological clock is not ticking.
End it now and move on. If he changes his mind he'll tell you soon enough, but it will take you finishing it to make him realise that you are serious about this.

Finish it.
You'll resent him.

Without diminishing how sad this must be for you, I don't think he's being totally unreasonable to tell you he's changed his mind. More so because you are both only 2 years into the relationship - about the time when it might become clear that you have some staying potential, so he needs to seriously consider if more children is something he wants.

Seems like he's done that.

In your situaiton, I'd end it quickly too. Better now, 2 years in, than in 10 years when you've realised you'll never be happy without children of your own - if that's how you feel?

The thing is OP is that he doesnt see very much of his kids right now, yet he's worried his attention will be divided when they are with him? Is he looking to increase his custody of them at all?
Really sorry this has happened - its a rubbish decision to make but if you stay with him you might always resent him, and if you break up for other reasons in 10 years time you might be kicking yourself.

I wouldn’t be able to stay in your situation.

@Danimuso87 as someone in the exact same situation, I feel for you. Your partner (and mine) are both well within their rights to say they don’t want another child. However in these situations doesn’t it seem slightly selfish that he’s happy for you to step parent his kids and you to take that on whilst also knowing he is stopping you having your own? I honestly would get your ducks in a row and tell him you can’t give so much to him whilst giving up so much for yourself at the same time. That’s my plan anyway and the conclusion I have come to. I’m sure you will go through the same emotions I have but at the end of the day, he’s offering you a childless life on his terms, and you will resent him.

It’s over. He expects you to be what sounds like a very involved step mum for his kids while not having a chance to have your own and be a mum.

This is hugely sad for you but he is at least being honest.

If you want a child - you have to leave because although he might change his mind again, you may run out of time.

I know you love him but your resentment might grow and get the better of you and you can’t guarantee he will stay with you anyway (harsh but possible) and then what?

Regardless of loving eachother too much - your relationship is now solely on his terms. Mum for his existing children, partner who does as he bids.

It isn’t fair on you unless you can honestly, honestly, say this will be a life for you and a life that you want.

I’d want a partnership where we both wanted the same things.

That seems a very weak reason to me and I'd suspect he never wanted them. If his DC were his world that he is so concerned about them not receiving his full attention then why does he have them EOW. Also, EOW represents 14%? of his time so presumably he could have a DC that has his full attention for 86% of his time and EOW he can devote time to his older DC? BTW OP, do his DC have his full attention EOW or is he somewhat disengaged for at least part of the time? That is a very high standard and, IME, as children get older, the last thing they want is their parents' full attention all the time.

Also, if he realised this, why didn't he share this gem as soon as he realised it instead of having this answer ready?

I suppose it doesn't matter if you want children as your way is clear though painful but I suspect his good faith.

Good luck.

Deal breaker.

You want a child, he doesn’t.

I wouldn’t waste time trying to see if he’ll change his mind or not - if you try to end it he’ll probably ask for time or to see how things go etc - but it’s most likely just going to drag out the inevitable that he’s happy with his existing set up and doesn’t want to risk it. Which leaves you exactly where you are now but 6/12 months down the line.

You’re young, I know you love him but the love you feel for him would pale into insignificance when held up against the love you’ll have for your child / children.

Men can be replaced, fertility and babies cannot.

I’m sorry to sound harsh but it is the reality, there are millions of men you could love. There’s only so many years you can make babies.

For what it’s worth, I was in v similar position at 36. I left and it was fucking horrible. But life moves on and now I have two kids and a fab relationship. Not one regret.

Be very wary of the 'not sure whether that decision might change in the next year or so..'. It just feels very cynical on reading it.

End it - if he's comfortable to make you give up something so life-changing as having a child of your own, then he's a selfish bastard.

He only see's his kids every other weekend, hardly anytime at all fgs but he wants you to stay childless and be content looking after his kids four days a month.

He knows your age and has wasted two valuable years of your time changing his mind.

Every day you stay with him will be a day you regret further down the line.

If you want to have children, you need to leave. Don't hang around for the 'oh I don't know maybe I'll change my mind'.

I'm sorry you're in this position. It's very unfair that he's not told you he's changed his mind until now when you want to start trying.

I'm afraid I wouldn't stay in a relationship where children weren't on the agenda.

If you end it now you have time to move on and start a family with someone who also wants children. You don't have years to dither about it though.

Being very blunt - you've only been together 2 years. That's not really a long term relationship. He's already had a failed relationship with his children's mother and he's just shown himself to you as being capable of saying one thing but meaning another when it comes to your future.

You run the risk of this relationship ending in the future anyway and you also being left without children.

When you dump him, OP, perhaps you could say you might change your mind in a year or two... If he loves you then he should be happy waiting. It doesn't work, does it?

Please leave , your partner can leave you in 10 years and he will still have he’s children but your chances will be in taters . I know there no guarantees in life but if having children is important to you that won’t go away . Good luck 💐 also if he truly loved you he wouldn’t take away your chance to be a mum .

It seems to me that what this selfish chap wants is a nanny and skivvy plus benefits. With no regard for your feelings, and a complete dismissal of your wish to have children of your own.
If you are happy to waste your remaining fertile years servicing such a person, crack on. Otherwise LTB.

@Danimuso87
Wlk if you stay you will end up resenting him down the line anyway so relationship will break down only thing is you might be past you child years so end up with nothing. Leave now and you can find someone who wants the same in life as you and make you happy, but it would be the deal breaker for me. Would not raise someone else's kids while putting my own dreams to the side just because I love them I would end up miserable down the line when it's to late to do anything about it.

This is the sort of unfortunate situation where there is no win win outcome. He's absolutely right to say if he doesn't want any more children rather than go along with it and then resent the DC/not really want them and equally you're absolutely in your rights to want DC of your own.

I'm on the other side of this as I have 2 DC and my BF doesn't have any (and would like one or two).

When he first mentioned us having children (quite early on) I made sure I told him that I had decided that I didn't want any more children several years ago and that while I wouldn't absolutely rule it out if the circumstances were right if having his own DC was important to him then he should find someone else - because I didn't want him to be in the situation you're in a few years down the line or give him any false expectations/hope - as it's quite easy in the early months of a relationship to see having a DC of your own together as a rose tinted ideal future even if you don't really want more children.

It's good your BF has told you now when you have time to make the choice to leave and find someone else if having children is important to you. For me having DC was what I always wanted and in your situation I would have to walk away however much I loved the man because I know I would end up resenting them and the relationship would fall apart anyway. However for some people DC are not so important and they would be happy without (and certainly life without DC would be a lot easier!)

Only you can decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. I'd give yourself a couple of months to process it and not make an instant decision.

How old is your partner op? And your stepchildren?

Waiting around only for him to tell you again that he doesn't want more children will be the biggest mistake of your life. If you definitely want your own children, you need to leave.

He sees his DC only EOW, and it seems you share the childcare with him for even that short time.

He wants you to continue nannying his kids without the hassle of your own child thrown in.