My long term boyfriend has changed his mind about having another child

[Danimuso87]

I'm having a bit of a dilemma. I've been with my bf for 2 years now and he also has two children from a previous relationship who I absolutely adore and have become very close to in a stepmum role. We had always agreed that we wanted a child of our own and were going to wait until the time was right for all concerned. I've recently turned 34 and I just broached the subject this week about maybe thinking of trying next year for our own child when he hit me with the bombshell that he now doesn't want a third child as he feels that the other two would not receive his full attention when he has them for his weekend every other week. Granted yes he would have a third child in the mix but I would be there as usual to help with the other two as well as look after our own child together. I'm heartbroken as it's suddenly become a situation where after everything we have built and done together and dreamed of are in tatters and I feel like I'm stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place. This decision has only been decided on his part in the last couple of weeks after we went on holiday together with his family and it seems like hes panicking almost. He has said he doesn't want us to end and only wants a future with me but has decided last minute that he doesn't want another child and not sure whether that decsion will change in the next year or so... I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him as we love ewachtoher very much but it feels like its too much to ask of me.

@Zilla1

When you dump him, OP, perhaps you could say you might change your mind in a year or two... If he loves you then he should be happy waiting. It doesn't work, does it?

This.

supermoonrising “just changed his mind”?
Aye, right.
I have lost count of the number of threads started on MN by poor women who have been strung along for years by these selfish men, with promises of a baby “when the time is right”, only to be finally refused point blank when it is too late for them to start again looking for another partner.
Nothing has changed in this particular chap’s circumstances. It is pretty obvious he played along for two years hoping to get OP hooked.

2 years is a very short time to have met, moved in and a step mother to his children, I think your very lucky you have found out now, I too would have to end the relationship however hard that was, when I met my now DH I said almost straight away I was not going to have anymore children. And I have never regretted my choice.

@Mintyt

2 years is a very short time to have met, moved in and a step mother to his children, I think your very lucky you have found out now, I too would have to end the relationship however hard that was, when I met my now DH I said almost straight away I was not going to have anymore children. And I have never regretted my choice.

I agree. She is lucky it was only 2 years. My friend stuck with a guy for 10 years who already had 2 kids by 2 women not married to either.

She convinced herself he would marry and have a real family with her.

After a decade she was 40 and he left her after he confirmed he didn't want kids or family life

It was plain to anyone with a pair of eyes he was never going to give her what she wanted but some do love to cling on.

If having a child is a dealbreaker for you OP then unfortunately you need to leave as heartbreaking and difficult as that will be.

Back in my late 20s I dated a chap for 2 years who I loved very much. He had two children with his ex wife and made it clear from the start that he wasn’t prepared to have any more children. I thought I could live with that but actually my desire to have a child was too great and we eventually split up. I went on to meet someone else, marry and have a dc.

I wish you all the best.

Whilst he has every right to change his mind, his reasons seem creaky, and the fact that he's only told you this once you raised the subject and are now looking at a timeline suggest that he's known for some time he doesn't really want more DC, but was happy with you assuming it would happen one day, and he'd worry about it then.

He is very unlikely to change his mind - I think that is a way to soften the blow and stop you leaving.

So you have to assume he will never want children. And your decision is staying with him v having children. And as a pp said, staying with him has its own risks that it might not last forever anyway, and you could be left wishing you'd left sooner when you had a chance of having children. You are likely to feel resentment which will increase the chances of the r'ship not working out longterm.

And I would understand the resentment. He appears to have changed his mind but not informed you, and has been happy for you to continue to look after his own children whilst knowing that by stringing you along he was stopping you having any of your own. Despite knowing you wanted them.

At best, if you accept he's only changed his mind very recently, you still have the choice to make. And if he is a decent person he will completely understand that you have every right to leave and make the life you want.

And to the pp who impied you're in the wrong / selfish because your DP should be 'enough'..... I suspect most people on these boards would agree that if you want to have children, looking after someone else's one week end a fortnight just isn't the same.

Total deal breaker. Don’t fall for the stringing along of “I might change my mind”. This guy has it made. 2 dc of his own with you looking after them and his ex for the rest of the time so he has child free time with you. The fact that he would deprive you of motherhood is appalling. He has everything and doesn’t care if you don’t.

I know someone who desperately wanted a child with her husband (who already had 2 from previous rel). He went and got a vasectomy without telling her.

Worried about the impact on his 2 children? Maybe.

More likely that he quite likes his all his free time from only having to 'parent' them 4 days a month and even then he has you there to help. 🤔

I’m sorry. I agree with everyone else. Respectfully leave him. It’s a non negotiable for you. He knows that so he shouldn’t be surprised. Although men have a habit of thinking their non negotiables are more important and women’s are nice to have if it fits in with me.
Try if you can not to get angry, even though I think many people would. Try to walk away calmly. You don’t want to pressure him into a baby and then be tied to a man who doesn’t want your child. Better to have a sperm donation baby.

Whilst he has every right to change his mind, his reasons seem creaky

Who cares what his reasons are?!

His reasons don't matter. Too often women consider the man's reasons and pick them apart rather than their reality.

He has his reasons and who cares what they are, they don't matter. What matters is the result you are getting and the result is that this is not going to give the OP what she wants regardless of his reasons.

Never mind his reasons. The reality is she won't get what she wants no matter what the reasons are.

Although men have a habit of thinking their non negotiables are more important and women’s are nice to have if it fits in with me.

I disagree. Every other day I see a thread on here from a woman saying I want a 2nd or 3rd or 4th baby and Dh/Dp doesn't and I'm furious I want another baby.

Women on a daily basis on here think their desire for another baby trumps that of their husbands.

The difference being with the OP that she doesn't have any of her own DC and that's why she should leave.