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Original poster

My long term boyfriend has changed his mind about having another child

62 replies

Danimuso87 · 24/08/2021 12:32

I'm having a bit of a dilemma. I've been with my bf for 2 years now and he also has two children from a previous relationship who I absolutely adore and have become very close to in a stepmum role. We had always agreed that we wanted a child of our own and were going to wait until the time was right for all concerned. I've recently turned 34 and I just broached the subject this week about maybe thinking of trying next year for our own child when he hit me with the bombshell that he now doesn't want a third child as he feels that the other two would not receive his full attention when he has them for his weekend every other week. Granted yes he would have a third child in the mix but I would be there as usual to help with the other two as well as look after our own child together. I'm heartbroken as it's suddenly become a situation where after everything we have built and done together and dreamed of are in tatters and I feel like I'm stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place. This decision has only been decided on his part in the last couple of weeks after we went on holiday together with his family and it seems like hes panicking almost. He has said he doesn't want us to end and only wants a future with me but has decided last minute that he doesn't want another child and not sure whether that decsion will change in the next year or so... I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him as we love ewachtoher very much but it feels like its too much to ask of me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2021 14:02

@OrchestraOfWankery

He sees his DC only EOW, and it seems you share the childcare with him for even that short time.

He wants you to continue nannying his kids without the hassle of your own child thrown in.

Exactly. He has everything he wants, he's not concerned with what the op wants.
PinkCheetah · 24/08/2021 14:02

Both of your reasons are valid but you are no longer compatible. You should leave him. Life is too short.

Jerseygirl12 · 24/08/2021 14:07

I’d leave him. You have time to find a new partner and have a DC. I wouldn’t waste any more time with him if it’s a child you want.

Original poster
Danimuso87 · 24/08/2021 14:10

Thanks everyone for your advice. It's only solidified my thoughts on the matter really. Yes i agree it's selfish to ask me of such a thing and the next step is to leave unfortunately. Just a total nightmare and a heartbreaking situation. Lets hope that I find that special someone eh!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2021 14:13

Don't be surprised if he suddenly says he does want another child. He'll just be trying to make you stay and then string you along for another couple of years. Don't fall for it.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/08/2021 14:16

I would have to leave OP. and I say that from a position of infertility (not through age)

I suspect that he's realised he actually prefers being a part time parent. He gets limited time with his DC (and has you there to help), but the remaining 86% is spent effectively as a child free couple - and he doesn't want that to change.

That may sound cynical. But if that is the case then he is actually doing the right thing - it would be wrong of him and unfair to agree to bring a child into this world which he would then resent.

I'm sorry OP, no easy choices here. If you are in a financial position to do so, I would suggest freezing some eggs. That way you won't feel so pressured to quickly get into a relationship with a potential co-parent who might be totally unsuitable as a life partner.

OrchestraOfWankery · 24/08/2021 14:23

@Aquamarine1029

Don't be surprised if he suddenly says he does want another child. He'll just be trying to make you stay and then string you along for another couple of years. Don't fall for it.
Yes - be wary, OP. Time spent parenting HIS kids going forward, is time wasted for you.
fuckoffImcounting · 24/08/2021 14:52

This selfish man could have told you this 2 years ago and saved you a lot of heartache. Don't fall for it if he says he has changed his mind and wait a year or two - he will run down your fertility clock because he wants help parenting his children part time.

BeauxRingarde · 24/08/2021 15:00

Two years is not long term. You're already far too involved with his children...at least you found out now.

Hemingwaycat · 24/08/2021 15:15

I’d end it. You’re only 34 so have time to meet someone on the same page as you. I wouldn’t be arsed about a man who already had children at your age anyway, plenty of less complicated child free men to start a family with around.

jimmyjammy001 · 24/08/2021 17:59

Sorry but you have been fully and totally duped, your not the first and not the last this has happened to, he's told you at the start he wants children in order to date you, let it continue for a couple of years so that you get emotionally involved and then drop the bomb shell that he doesn't want more children but it's fine you can both stay together for the future.
What you've got to understand is that he's allready been through that stage in life and had children, he's just looking for someone to fill the gap in which is where you come along, unfortunately you will have to give up ever having children yourself and just play step mum to his.

As everyone else has said, cut your loses and just walk away

Babyghirl · 24/08/2021 19:37

@Danimuso87
Good luck in breaking the news and as others have said please don't let him talk you around in to staying and saying give it a year and we will try he will only add more wasted time everytime the time is up to try.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/08/2021 21:16

I’m glad you decided to end it - I think it’s the right thing.

GettingItOutThere · 24/08/2021 21:39

if you want kids you need to leave, or stay with him an accept you will never have children with him
Harsh but true

I would not be able to stay with him after this either

BeachDrifting · 25/08/2021 04:11

Oh wow. So sorry you’re going through this. I’d have to leave. He’s wasted two years of your life. Why should you have to be a part time parent to kids who aren’t yours! You’re in your thirties and you want your own! Too right. Why shouldn’t you get what everyone else has. Please do not throw your life away on this liar. Kids mean more than a man. You can find another man. You’ve got very little time left to have your own kids. You now need to be strong and make a stand for what you want out of life. Are you sure he’s not just trying to get out of the relationship by making you end it? It seems very weak reasoning

Driftingblue · 25/08/2021 04:26

He is not wrong. Having another child will massively impact his relationship with his children.

You shouldn’t have to give up the chance to have a child. You have incompatible life goals.

HungryHippo11 · 25/08/2021 04:32

not sure whether that decsion will change in the next year or so
He won't change his mind.
If you leave now, you have a good chance of finding someone else with wmthe same ambitions as you and having kids with them. If you stay another two years hoping he will change his mind, that chance gets smaller and smaller.

PurpleOkapi · 25/08/2021 04:59

I don't think it's fair to say he was lying to her the entire time. He might have been, but this is something people commonly change their minds about for all kinds of reasons. If he only sees them every other weekend, then I can understand why he would want that time to be focused on them, not balancing their needs with those of a younger child.

But it really doesn't matter what he's thinking or who's at fault. All that matters is that you two no longer want the same thing. If having a child is a dealbreaker for you, OP, then you need to end it and find someone who wants the same things you do.

category12 · 25/08/2021 06:31

[quote Babyghirl]@Danimuso87
Good luck in breaking the news and as others have said please don't let him talk you around in to staying and saying give it a year and we will try he will only add more wasted time everytime the time is up to try.[/quote]
This.

Don't let him string you along. Make the break, don't waste more of your fertility window on him.

SarahBellam · 25/08/2021 06:33

Please don’t let him future fake you in order to get you to stay. Don’t fall for promises about a year or two in the future. OP, bringing up children is the most difficult and rewarding job on the world. I adore mine and I’m so glad I had them, but there’s no way in hell I’d start another family, just as my kids are becoming more independent and I’m starting to get my life back. I can completely see why he wouldn’t want another bite at the cherry. He has been there and done that.

RantyAunty · 25/08/2021 07:13

Yes make the break. You'll find someone who is keen to marry you and have children.

ActonSquirrel · 25/08/2021 07:16

This is why I would never date a man with children. I can't be bothered to be in loco parentis for children I'm not even related to and there is always the risk that they have done it already and don't want to do it again. In which case you miss out.

Cut and run

supermoonrising · 25/08/2021 07:20

@Babdoc
It seems to me that what this selfish chap wants is a nanny and skivvy plus benefits

Or perhaps he’s just changed his mind. Granted he should have informed the OP about his doubts rather than waiting for her to broach the subject.

Needapoodle · 25/08/2021 07:23

You're not being selfish. You want different things. Don't sacrifice your chance of being a mum for the sake of some bloke.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/08/2021 08:16

He is right to take into account the impact on his existing children. It would also mean the financial burden on him increases as he would have three to support.
If he alone isn’t good enough for you then you can leave and let him find someone else who just wants him rather than what he will give them.