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Original poster

Saying "I love you"

104 replies

Blueberry77 · 24/08/2021 10:38

I was just curious about at what stage various people say "I love you" in a relationship?
I've been dating someone for 8 months, both in 40s, and I said it about a month ago, knowing he wouldn't say it back, but it's how I really feel and just wanted to express it. I understand everyone reaches that stage at a different point.
But, we were joking around on text this morning and he said something about me loving something too much & I responded "I love you too much" & he replied with a gif of a man running away. I was a bit hurt about his response but I feel irrational about feeling that way!
If I say something "nice"/something that I would want to hear, he would respond with "you're so cheesy" or a 🤢 emoji.
Do I Ignore and grow a thicker skin, or does he just not care for me that way? (In which case I may be wasting my time)
He does drive 3.5hrs each way to see me for the weekend every 2 weeks & is very regular with his good morning/goodnight texts and daily phone calls

OP posts:
seensome · 25/08/2021 01:01

I get that people don't want to give their love easily but that doesn't mean he should be so insensitive and uncaring towards you, his response is basically put up with behaviour if you want to be with him, you can excuse it as much as you want but how long for, you can't keep giving you love with nothing in return.

LV2NY · 25/08/2021 01:16

Blueberry I was sorry to hear that update. From his response it would appear to me that he has no fear about risking losing you with his comments which makes me question how much care and respect he has for you. Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is without feelings not being reciprocated. My advice would be to end things. I don’t know why people like him date when they are not open to love.

Bawse · 25/08/2021 01:25

Maybe he’s just not ready to say that yet so you put him on the spot? Doesn’t necessarily indicate some ‘issue’ or some particular attachment style Hmm

I’d not say it again for a while and give the relationship the chance to grow more. It will kill things if you keep saying it to him before he’s ready to say it back.

Bawse · 25/08/2021 01:35

Reading your other updates I think you should stop trying to help perform armchair pseudo-analysis on him and telling him how he ‘needs’ to respond to your declarations of love. It might be frustrating to say you live him and not hear it back but that doesn’t make him deficient in some way.

The text was obviously a clumsy attempt at diffusing the awkwardness of not saying it back. I think no after the first time he didn’t reciprocate you should either have had a proper conversation about it straight off the bat or have given him some time to volunteer it himself, rather than keep saying it to him when he doesn’t seem to be ready to reciprocate.

romdowa · 25/08/2021 01:42

His last few comments tell you exactly what you need to know. You are not going to get affection from this man. If you need that affection then it's time to let him go, otherwise you are just setting yourself up to be hurt.

NotaCoolMum · 25/08/2021 02:23

Sorry @Blueberry77 but it REALLY doesn’t sound like he loves you back. He could have said “I may not say it but I try to show you how I feel about you”… etc but he didn’t even sound remotely affectionate. You can’t spend your life paying the price for whatever hardships he’s been through in the past. If they make him so closed off, then he really shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

CheekyHobson · 25/08/2021 03:30

He could have said he was sorry for hurting your feelings but he's slow to trust completely and tends to make jokes when he's uncomfortable.

But what he conveyed was that you're miles apart in emotional investment and you should expect him to respond to expressions of affection with dismissals.

You could have said you appreciate his honesty and you don't want to rush him but you'd feel you meant more to him than just sex if he would respond to your expressions of love with warmth rather than dismissiveness (like 'I really enjoy the time we spend together').

But instead you conveyed that you'll hide your feelings but if he expects to keep getting laid he better start giving you compliments.

He could have said he knows it's hard to be patient with someone who finds it hard to trust, but he wants to be allowed to grow the relationship at his own pace, which might be much slower than you can stand.

Instead he conveyed that he'll say whatever he feels like saying in the moment and considering your feelings sounds too much like hard work.

To me, reading between the lines, the relationship doesn't seem all that healthy. If you're prepared to be a bit more honest and vulnerable while treat the other person's feelings with respect and not feeling 'owed' a certain type of relationship, you might both be able to move forward.

If that seems way too hard, it's probably time to call time.

NoNoThankYou · 25/08/2021 05:20

OP, you are the one who should be running away.

He doesn't love you. He's just told you. He isn't willing to think about how your feelings and his feelings might both be accommodated.
He's just told you. This isn't going to change. He's just told you.

An unhappy background is not a reason to accept being treated in a way that makes you unhappy. It's either just a convenient excuse anyway or not your problem to solve. It's not up to you to fix him or accept less in a relationship than you deserve in order to compensate him for a difficult past.

Please set your bar higher than this.

CornishTiger · 25/08/2021 05:50

You’re making excuses for him. Allowing him to be a victim in his life as a reason why he can’t treat you decently.

End it and move on. I bet he does very quickly too.

No contact he sounds like the kind of man who will dangle a carrot of affection and you will go running. You deserve better.

Shoxfordian · 25/08/2021 06:45

@Blueberry77
You’re not wrong to want someone to respond to affection with affection but clearly that’s not him
Cut your losses and move on

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 25/08/2021 08:41

I disagree that he doesn’t love you back and you should run for the hills. That he took the time to try and explain his response indicates he cares. You telling him how he must respond is pushy and unfair. You have to accept him as he is, just as you are expecting him to accept you.
If you NEED him to love you so quickly and cant allow him time to come to his own feeling in his own way then its fairer for you to walk away. For both of you.
If however you can just enjoy the relationship for its own sake, relax a little and enjoy what you have without having your heart broken if he never tells you what you want to hear, then continue.
8 months really isnt all that long, esp for a long distance thing…and when and if you DO hear the words you want then you’ll know they are sincere….much better than having someone say it way too soon and not mean it imo.

Bawse · 25/08/2021 08:48

Completely agree @HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 25/08/2021 08:54

My bf was like this. I didn’t hear ILY for well over a year and we saw each other several times a week. He had come out of a on again off again relationship and just needed time to feel secure enough to know he could trust me. In his shoes I would have wanted time and understanding so thats what I gave. Now he tells me every day and is the most loving man Ive ever dated.
Flippancy isnt always fuckwittery. You have to go with your gut.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 25/08/2021 09:01

My boyfriend makes comments about weddings and marriage sometimes and I always respond the same way and make a joke out of it.
He recently told me he thought I was laughing at him about it and I felt terrible! I thought we were just having a bit of silly 'banter' ( I hate that word) but now he's told me I won't do it again

Sakura7 · 25/08/2021 09:05

Nah, I think those message tell OP everything she needs to know.

If she wants love and affection in a relationship (which is totally reasonable), there's nothing wrong with her expressing that. Might not be ideal by text, but still she has communicated what she needs. It seems like he has been honest in his replies, which is good (if a little insensitive), but it shows there's an incompatibility there.

Personally I wouldn't stick around to 'enjoy the relationship' if I was getting nothing back after eight months. It's a waste of time and will only lead to more hurt further down the line.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 25/08/2021 10:14

So tricky @Blueberry77, and I wouldn't know when to say / expect it either. ExH would say it all the time but his behaviour didn't show love. I do think that text is really unhelpful for these situations. I found this Relationship Doctor article helpful - here's a summary :
For better or worse, texting is now a permanent part of the relationship landscape. But texting only really enhances communication in situations where you both want the same thing. When that's not the case, texting can often cause trouble.
Like all electronic forms of communication, text messaging can be a great way to start a fight, but it’s not much use if you want to settle one.
Never use text to argue, negotiate, or have a serious conversation with your partner. Save texting for light, happy situations where you're mostly in agreement.

LV2NY · 25/08/2021 10:23

If you stay on his terms resentment will build over time as love will always be what you are looking for.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 25/08/2021 12:43

Sukura7 ‘Personally I wouldn't stick around to 'enjoy the relationship' if I was getting nothing back after eight months. It's a waste of time and will only lead to more hurt further down the line.’

Which is why i advised she walked away if she needed more at this stage.

Some people need more reassurance and ‘something back’ than others and thats perfectly ok. Others are more slow burn and take their time to let go and thats ok too. I personally get the vibe that the op has found a show burn guy rather than a fuckwit. Though he perhaps hasn't expressed it as well as he could.

LemonCandle · 25/08/2021 13:00

@LV2NY This is a very wise statement. Sums up my (failed) 10 year relationship with someone like this.

Aprilx · 25/08/2021 13:12

I think you are wasting your time here, if he is not in love after eight months then I doubt he will ever be.

Sakura7 · 25/08/2021 13:45

@HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

His recent messages (which OP has since deleted) seem more 'not really into you' than 'slow burn guy.' I think if he was really interested in the relationship going further he wouldn't have been so dismissive.

I think the people who need lots of reassurance are usually the same people who are going out with these kind of avoidant men. If your partner is clear about their feelings and also shows it through their actions, then there's no need for constant reassurance.

Love and affection is the basic foundation of a healthy relationship.

Original poster
Blueberry77 · 25/08/2021 13:47

@Sakura7 I have not deleted his recent messages. I only deleted the post that details his early difficult life experiences which might have been identifying.

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 25/08/2021 14:38

Sorry OP, just mixed them up.

layladomino · 25/08/2021 17:59

There is nothing wrong with him not yet feeling he loves you. You don't always know that after a few months. And if he doesn't feel it, he shouldn't say it.

However he is being insensitive dealing with it, and his last message was quite hard on you. I think I would want to have a proper face to face chat, cards on the table, no blame, just honesty. And then decide if you want to stick around.

FairyAtTheBottomOfTheGarden · 26/08/2021 10:24

If you settle for this now you might find it never changes... I thought my ex was just taking his time to say he loved me, but 5 years later he still hadn't and I knew it was time (for many reasons including this) to end the relationship.