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Original poster

Saying "I love you"

104 replies

Blueberry77 · 24/08/2021 10:38

I was just curious about at what stage various people say "I love you" in a relationship?
I've been dating someone for 8 months, both in 40s, and I said it about a month ago, knowing he wouldn't say it back, but it's how I really feel and just wanted to express it. I understand everyone reaches that stage at a different point.
But, we were joking around on text this morning and he said something about me loving something too much & I responded "I love you too much" & he replied with a gif of a man running away. I was a bit hurt about his response but I feel irrational about feeling that way!
If I say something "nice"/something that I would want to hear, he would respond with "you're so cheesy" or a 🤢 emoji.
Do I Ignore and grow a thicker skin, or does he just not care for me that way? (In which case I may be wasting my time)
He does drive 3.5hrs each way to see me for the weekend every 2 weeks & is very regular with his good morning/goodnight texts and daily phone calls

OP posts:
seensome · 24/08/2021 11:44

If he's unenthusiastic, wishy washy, I live for the moment comments, just bin him.

Hodan85 · 24/08/2021 11:46

A man here! I'm not that way myself, but know many men who struggle to express their feelings, especially when it comes to love and relationships. I think there is a very good chance he'd have not made that joke if there was truth behind it. I would suggest choosing the right time to ask him about how he sees the future of your relationship and whether he feels that he does love you or not. It doesn't have to be a hugely in-depth conversation if he's not that way, but it should give you a fairer indication of where his head is at. I don't think that incident (whilst certainly a bit of a mean or insensitive joke), necessarily means he's not keen as some are suggesting.

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/08/2021 11:48

Words are cheap. He could very easily pay lip service and tell you he loves you even if he doesn’t, and keep you quiet and happy that way. He hasn’t, which implies he has more respect for you than that.

You’ve told him you love him, he hasn’t responded in kind. Going right in there again with “I love you too much”, outwith any appropriate context, it isn’t surprising he felt uncomfortable. It comes across as though you’re going to keep on needling at him with your “I love yous” until he’s worn down enough just to say it back.

Eight months might be enough time for some people to know that they love somebody, but it isn’t for everybody. I’d far rather be with somebody whose actions indicated they wanted to be with me and were invested in building something gradually, than somebody who said “I love you” to everyone they dated for a few months.

Original poster
Blueberry77 · 24/08/2021 11:51

@LV2NY I responded with "that was hurtful" and left it at that

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueberry77 · 24/08/2021 11:52

@Hodan85 appreciate the male perspective

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 24/08/2021 11:53

@Hodan85

Maybe he is keen and just struggling to express his feelings, but it's not easy for a woman to be with a man like this. Always second guessing how he feels and getting hurt by insensitive comments and behaviour. Constantly feeling like there's an imbalance in the relationship.

Personally I want a partner who is in tune with his emotions and not afraid to express them (and thankfully that's what I have now).

Peace43 · 24/08/2021 11:54

Sounds like my boyfriend. He is definitely avoidant and very honest about it. He does love me and I rely on his actions to show that. He’d definitely give me his last Rolo!! He will finally now say he loves me on very special occasions but that’s after 2 years. I tell him all the time. It’s up to you whether you can rely on his actions or if you need to hear it.

LV2NY · 24/08/2021 12:01

That’s a good response. Hopefully it will give him pause to think about the way he responded and what he is risking losing by being so dismissive of your feelings.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/08/2021 12:02

[quote Blueberry77]@LV2NY I responded with "that was hurtful" and left it at that[/quote]
Well done, I think that was really fair and sensible. Has he replied yet?

Lilifer · 24/08/2021 12:05

I'm dying to hear what his response is now 🤔

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 24/08/2021 12:12

Some people just don't need to hear these sorts of things and would never reciprocate or verbalise that sort of feeling or emotion regardless of what they truly feel about a partner.

6 years with mine, and there's no doubt of the sincerity of feeling on either behalf, but I react the exact same way as your partner to that sort of thing. I just see it as utterly pointless, a bit vomit and cringe-inducing, and wouldn't hesitate to respond with a tongue-in-cheek 'I'm outta here' style Gif either. Neither of us feel any need to say these sorts of things because they are understood, felt, and accepted without any need to express them directly.

I judge actions, not words, as anyone can say anything they like at any point without being remotely sincere. What he does for you, with you, and commitment to time to travel and see you, spend time with you etc says far more about his sincerity and feelings than the fact he doesn't reciprocate. Perhaps you need to express it verbally whereas he does not. It's only really a problem if you can't accept hearing it back, or he can't accept hearing it in the first place.

MissTrip82 · 24/08/2021 12:21

I wouldn’t bother with anyone who behaves as though basic loving words need to be dragged from their lips. These people are not special, they are not sensitive, they are not dealing with the enormity of saying these words……they are ego-centric fools who behave as though their approval
Is so golden it costs them to give it.

Find someone mature enough to express themselves.

Can’t even begin to engage with the nonsense belief that he’s showing you respect by sending you emojis of him running and vomiting. Jesus Christ some women’s expectations are even lower than their self esteem.

Original poster
Blueberry77 · 24/08/2021 12:24

@Lilifer he responded with "JK" 🙄

OP posts:
Cherrycee · 24/08/2021 12:32

That's a pretty shit reply.

You deserve to be with someone who feels the same way about you. I would tell him that you want to have a chat about where you stand. Say outright that if he's not feeling it then you should go your separate ways. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Lilifer · 24/08/2021 12:34

@Blueberry77 hmmm that's not great. Jk sounds a bit dismissive. He should have said a bit more than that. He sounds avoidant or else a bit immature.

altmember · 24/08/2021 13:16

@Hodan85

A man here! I'm not that way myself, but know many men who struggle to express their feelings, especially when it comes to love and relationships. I think there is a very good chance he'd have not made that joke if there was truth behind it. I would suggest choosing the right time to ask him about how he sees the future of your relationship and whether he feels that he does love you or not. It doesn't have to be a hugely in-depth conversation if he's not that way, but it should give you a fairer indication of where his head is at. I don't think that incident (whilst certainly a bit of a mean or insensitive joke), necessarily means he's not keen as some are suggesting.
I agree with this - he's not driving 7hrs every weekend just for a shag. And he wouldn't use that gif/emoji as anything other than a joke (unless he's a total knob, but you'd already know if he's that bad).

Chances are he loves you (or at least cares a lot), just that he struggles to put that into words, or doesn't feel the need to outright say it. I'm guilty of that myself - I think it all the time, and I try and show it with my actions, but I'm conscious that I probably don't say the actual words often enough. I just feel that it's so obvious it doesn't really need saying.

Sleepingdogs12 · 24/08/2021 13:29

Does he behave like he loves you? Easy for some to say it and behave really badly. It doesn't come naturally to me, feels really clunky and I feel self conscious about it. I hear people ending every call with love you and it sounds meaningless, like just a part of goodbye. I can see how it is hurtful though and comes across that he is immature .

Mandofan · 24/08/2021 13:41

The running away gif is so cruel

Original poster
Blueberry77 · 24/08/2021 13:41

It's only in the past month or two that I felt like he does. I don't mind (that much) him not saying it all the time. I do mind him responding to me saying something nice in a negative/mocking way.

OP posts:
TerraNovaTwo · 24/08/2021 13:52

Reading this board reminds me why I'm so much better of staying single.

What a knob!

grapewine · 24/08/2021 14:01

@TerraNovaTwo

Reading this board reminds me why I'm so much better of staying single.

What a knob!

This! He sounds like an arse.
OrlandointheWilderness · 24/08/2021 14:01

I know people on MN are generally of the opinion that you can't love someone without properly knowing them for donkeys years etc and not quickly, but I don't believe it. Yes, I think love deepens and develops, but can be felt early on.
I think you need to have a good discussion with him. You don't sound on the same page.

Rainbowshine · 24/08/2021 14:01

How do you think he’d react if you replied to his JK reply saying that you don’t want to see him the next time while you consider how his replies fit with how you feel? Or if being bolshy you could reply “then I’m outta here if you think that’s funny”.

bridgeofslides · 24/08/2021 14:05

Sorry op but that's not a good sign. I wrote a similar post after 9 months with a man a few years ago. I never said it to him but I wanted to. He ended the relationship stating 'I didn't end up falling in love with you' it was shit but he was honest and we are in good terms.

NanaPorsche · 24/08/2021 14:29

[quote Blueberry77]@Lilifer he responded with "JK" 🙄[/quote]
What's JK?

Joke?

Aye - he's hilarious. 🤬

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