Saying "I love you"

[Blueberry77]

I was just curious about at what stage various people say "I love you" in a relationship?
I've been dating someone for 8 months, both in 40s, and I said it about a month ago, knowing he wouldn't say it back, but it's how I really feel and just wanted to express it. I understand everyone reaches that stage at a different point.
But, we were joking around on text this morning and he said something about me loving something too much & I responded "I love you too much" & he replied with a gif of a man running away. I was a bit hurt about his response but I feel irrational about feeling that way!
If I say something "nice"/something that I would want to hear, he would respond with "you're so cheesy" or a 🤢 emoji.
Do I Ignore and grow a thicker skin, or does he just not care for me that way? (In which case I may be wasting my time)
He does drive 3.5hrs each way to see me for the weekend every 2 weeks & is very regular with his good morning/goodnight texts and daily phone calls

@Rainbowshine I'm pretty sure he would reply with a 👍🏼 & I'd never hear from him again.

@NanaPorsche it means "just kidding" 😐

It was odd for you to say that when he hasn't reciprocated with the I love you thing. If he's not sure how he feels, it does make it all feel quite one sided and tiring. I'm not sure what an acceptable response would have been, it was awkward joke territory.

Although some previous responses have said he's not into you, it could just be that he struggles to tell you how he feels. Not sure that makes it any easier though!

We don't express it in words, I think those words are devalued as they are used flippantly just days into a relationship by many. They far better ways eg driving across the country or planning the rest of your lives together. Feelings don't need words

@ComtesseDeSpair

At least I'm not the only one!

[quote Blueberry77]@Rainbowshine I'm pretty sure he would reply with a 👍🏼 & I'd never hear from him again. [/quote]
That's kind of your answer then I think. If you don't think he would in response ring you saying "shit sorry I really was just joking around, are you ok?" or something then you know he's not that bothered about you.

It sounds like you're on very different pages and you need to have an open chat about it. If you can't do that after this many months then it's game over anyway.

So you see each other every two weeks for the weekend, and are long distance.

I may be cynical but I wonder if he is seeing other women or is just looking for a casual non committal arrangement.

He doesn’t want this to end or doesn’t want to be the bad guy ending it so he’s using jokes to deflect and avoid the conversation about how things might develop between you.

As I said I am cynical, it could be he’s just not the same as you in expressing emotions. But his reaction to minimise how hurtful his flippant emoji and comments were would be very off putting and make me feel like I didn’t matter to him.

Only you can decide if you want to continue seeing him knowing you won’t get the same communication from him that you seem to be looking for. Or continue knowing it’s just casual.

Sorry @Blueberry77 I don’t think he’s a keeper if you are looking for a long and close relationship with moving in together etc.

We don't express it in words, I think those words are devalued as they are used flippantly just days into a relationship by many.

I don't agree that saying it regularly is flippant or that the meaning is devalued. My fiance and I say it regularly, probably every day. We do love each other and we do mean it every time we say it. I think we both enjoy expressing it and hearing it from one another. It's not just a habit.

Your last message says it all OP

Although it’s been 8 months it’s a long distance relationship so perhaps equivalent to a shorter relationship? Maybe more like four months if seeing each other every fortnight? Beware of black and white advice like ‘he’s just not into you’, sometimes the best relationships grow over time. Sounds like he may be deflecting with ‘humour’ but it’s hurtful. Some questions for you to think about..How did you meet and did you talk about what it is you are each looking for? Sometimes that can change over the course of dating. How do his actions make you feel?
People express love in different ways. He may have a different love language to you x

Men sometimes are uncomfortable talking about feelings, or, because they're not used to it, are not articulate enough, self-aware enough or sensitive enough to have a discussion about feelings. The only way to deal with it is to have a conversation with him (or probably several conversations) in which you tell him that he needs to learn the skills to be able to express his feelings clearly and honestly. And you show him how that works. If he's a keeper, he'll want to learn - and he'll enjoy learning

It shouldn't be up to a woman to teach a grown man how to avoid being an insensitive arse.

For me personally you sound very sensitive.

I'd have found the gif funny and just a laugh but I tend not to take things like that serious.

cherry No but if a man had said he loved me and I hadn't said it back, I would expect him to respect that and either walk or wait, not work it into the conversation again and put me in a position where I would have to reciprocate, try to pass it off as a joke or look quite harsh. There's a certain amount of tone deafness there that could be a bit pressuring although obviously he has dealt poorly with it.

Update: He texted back
Him: U know I don't see things like u .......I told u I don't love easily and I am very guarded with myself ......so if I respond with a jokey message don't be surprised
Him: It was my way of saying I dont know how to respond to that message ......
Me: Ok, I won't put you in that situation again, but you need to try to respond to affection with affection. Otherwise we’re just fuckbuddies.
Him: Nope I don't .......I will react how I feel
Him: I want to be myself
.....not something u want me to be

He's essentially not going to love you unless this relationship really works, goes the distance and maybe not even then.

I think the timing of this is incompatible.

Having been with someone (years ago, not now) for four years who never said they loved me and did the hand wringing 'argh don't pressure me' for four years, with the benefit of hindsight I would suggest the following:

I think we are on different pages and I'm going to feel hurt and you'll feel under pressure so best to draw a line under things now. All the best."

And follow through on it.

That is the honest truth about the situation so would be an honest response OP, but I know it would be hard to send that.

And he is not going to muster up warmth because he ought to which in one sense is commendable and in another, potentially narcissistic. He's not interested in what you might need which is dogmatic. Perhaps he's committed in other ways but it would be to be pretty incredible to make this worth it.

Stop texting and talk but I don't see him agreeing to anything to spare your feelings. That would make anyone pretty insecure.

@MissTrip82

I wouldn’t bother with anyone who behaves as though basic loving words need to be dragged from their lips. These people are not special, they are not sensitive, they are not dealing with the enormity of saying these words……they are ego-centric fools who behave as though their approval Is so golden it costs them to give it.

Find someone mature enough to express themselves.

Can’t even begin to engage with the nonsense belief that he’s showing you respect by sending you emojis of him running and vomiting. Jesus Christ some women’s expectations are even lower than their self esteem.

Some people have gone through distressing events in their lives which makes showing emotions extremely difficult.

That last reply from him is pretty mean.
He's basically said don't expect anything from him.

There is nothing in any of his replies that says he cares and is moving things forward.

Ditch this guy. He's stingy and mean with his affection and all you'll get is crumbs, if that.

I can’t think of anything worse than telling a woman you love them when you don’t You need to ask him ,why he wants to be with you ,what he likes about you and at some point whether he loves you .
There might be a hundred reasons why he doesn’t love you ,which are not his fault or your fault ,just the way life is .On the other hand he might love you but be scared to admit it after what he’s been through .

You've given too much information about him in my opinion.

His recent messages are awful.

I’d leave him after receiving those. I’m shocked on your behalf.