If your partner told you…

[Oldtiredfedup]

…that it’s fine for you to stop doing everything that you do because it would make no different to his life at all (not a joy of difference), how would you feel?

I stay at home, I do majority of everything: school runs (very long commute - it takes up 3 hours of time total in a day) laundry, holiday organisation, errand running, cleaning, pet care (which also involves a commute - horses), cooking, tidying, meal planning, list making, activities planning, child care etc etc etc - he doesn’t his bit when he’s home,absoloutly, but he’s awful at not picking his stuff up. Really awful. For example, he will take something out of a cupboard, used it (whilst he’s still standing in the same place) and then just put it down and walk away. He will take his clothes off and just leave them wherever he got undressed, he will live coupes and plates all over the house, he will use something up and then just leave the empty bottle/packet there. He says it’s because he works long hours and hasn’t got enough time. I disagree - and this led to a very long argument last night where he told me there are bigger things to worry about than him being a big messy, that I should just leave his mess (that means I can’t clean) etc etc…he threw insults at me, kept saying that I don’t pick up my stuff immediately either - which is true, but ita ME that picks up my stuff, AS WELL as his (clothes six feet away from thd laundry, shoes left in the middle of the floor, empty containers, receipts from his pockets, pens, pencils, work paperwork, tools, crockery, cups etc etc….

All I’m asking is for him to just put things where they belong -dirty dishes in the kitchen, tools back in his shed, empty containers in the bin, paperwork in his bag, shoes under the stairs, coats on the peg etc etc etc…and instead I get told that I’m just as bad, that the house has been a mess for a year anyway (it hasn’t) he downgraded it to ‘cluttered’ (well maybe if he put his own shit away it wouldn’t) and that he pulls his weight and works hard and he’s a mug.

I’ve told him to stuff it - I’m downing tools because what I do isn’t appreciated (a few months back he said that hour for hour he does more around the house than I do on top of the long hours he works - it’s isn’t true) and in response he’s said that me downing tools will not make one joy of difference to his life because what I do only takes an hour a day anyway.

How would you feel? I feel utterly unappreciated. And very upset. I’m apparently causing ‘insanity’ for finding it upsetting.

Am I just too sensitive?

He sounds like a complete knob
Do you want to stay married to him? I would take him at his word and stop doing anything for him at all. No cooking, no washing his clothes, no tidying his shit up, nothing.

I would do exactly as he suggests. Sort out you and the DC leave everything else.

I had a row with my DS about this kind of thing (he was about 14 at the time) I did nothing, then when I wanted to clean, I put everything he left around the house on his bed, including all the dishes and plates left on the side in the kitchen. No clothes were washed if not in the washing basket (still aren't for anyone) although he does most of his own now.
But he got the message.
Perhaps your DH might learn the same message if there are no meals cooked, no clean shirts etc., all his crap put in a pile.

The thing is…I tried this a few months ago (didn’t completely stop) and that blew up in my face - was told how deeply unfair I’d been but at the same time all it proved was how well he managed, ranted on about how he’d had to pick up my slack because I hadn’t pulled me weight (the house was dirtier and messier).

Why are you with him at all?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Why are you with him at all?.

This. Why bother if you have to somehow justify your very existence?

No money, no car, no family, abusive ex (daughters father) who will just take me to court to stop her seeing me (no access to legal aid) - he managed it several years ago when I ended up having a breakdown and she hardly saw me for over a year (before anyone jumps on that bandwagon - I’ve had a formal apology and compensation from the local authority who gave daughters father all the power to achieve that) which affected her deeply and I can’t risk that again.

I’m stuck - I’m safer than I would be on my own.

I would feel absolutely furious as well as deeply hurt. I'm really sorry OP, I have my (really serious and upsetting) issues with my DP but I cannot imagine either of us accusing the other of not working hard enough, whether that is housework or work outside the home. And then to behave like such a spoiled entitled brat in his own home. It's just so... lacking in respect, lacking in love. So unfair. Gutting, honestly.

The problem is, you can't really down tools. And he knows it. Because the horse has to be cared for, the kids need looking after, the school run has to be done. And you don't want to live in filth. And what example does it set for your kids, to have this kind of pettiness and cruelty in the home?

I'd take a different approach. I'd sit him down calmly and tell him you are looking for a full time job of work. Tell him you've realised that working in the home, facilitating his long hours of work outside the home, is making everyone miserable. So your solution is to get a job, and then he will need to employ people to sort out everything else. Do some basic costings:

• cleaner, 6 hours a week as the house is so "cluttered" say £85
• dog Walker (if you have a dog)
• someone to exercise the horse until it can be sold
• childminder prepared to spend three hours ferrying kids to school (why on earth is it three hours?!! Does seem a bit mad)

The horse, of course, will have to be sold.

Then I'd also make a list of everything you do, and everything he does, and everything the kids do, and work out how to redistribute your chores.

And then, seriously, go and get a job. Make plans to be ready to leave in a year or so, as it sounds like your relationship is in a horrible place. Long term you don't surely want a human being like that in your life, that kind of nasty belittling behaviour has absolutely no place in a healthy marriage.

How old is your daughter now?. Its affected you and she both very deeply.

It appears too you've gone from one abuser into another abusive relationship, this is not as uncommon as people think it is.

You are not as stuck as you think you are; there is always a way out. Would you be willing and able to contact Womens Aid?. You are not emotionally safe to be with this man and he will continue to drag you down with him.

Go to work and make everything in the home a 50:50 split.

You get your own income, can build up a lot to leave him, and you only do your own half of the slog. Win:win.

Lot= pot

What MrsRobbieHart says! At some point you have to take control of this situation and become more financially independent. Change the narrative - what kind of life do YOU want?

My daughter is 8 and has separation anxiety issues.

Women’s Aid were utterly useless last time - sorry, I know you’re offering suggestions and trying to help, but they were useless. Utterly useless. And I’m still in the same local authority - which leaves me petrified to put myself in any kind of vulnerable position (despite the formal apology from them).

But at least I know I’m not being too sensitive.

He’s busy messaging me telling me that we just need to stop arguing abd move on and that I’m just mid-interpretating him.

I’m not sure there’s any other way of interpretating ‘it won’t make any difference to my life, not a jot’ in response to my suggestion that perhaps I should do absolutely nothing at all so he can experience for himself what exactly it is I do.

My daughter is 8 and has separation anxiety issues.

Work during school hours, work from home, becomes self employed and arrange your own hours. That’s what I have had to do as a single parent to a child with SEN who can’t be left alone and can’t be in childcare.

Unfortunately if he's like my now ex, he won't give a shit that he's living in a tip. I downed tools once too, didn't do any cleaning, didn't pick up after him, didn't do anything for him and he was quite happy living in a pigsty surrounded by his own filth...one of the reasons he's now an ex.

@MrsRobbieHart - doing what? What do you do?

I have no skills (not even housework and childcare and organisational skills apparently) I have only a levels. I haven’t worked in years because of childcare and carer duties. I have a back issue that means I struggle with lifting. I can only work on Mondays and Tuesdays and every other Friday and weekend.

What job would be willing to take me with those being the only times I can work? Because the last time I had a job I worked when they said at a moments notice and sod if I didn’t have any childcare, I either worked or lost the job (and now I don’t have family so can’t pick up the phone to ask for last minute childcare)

I do cleaning and ironing. Cleaning in other peoples homes during school hours. Ironing in my own house during the evenings and school holidays.

The ironing is by far the better income and people drop it off and collect it so no car required.

So sorry the individual you spoke to within Womens Aid was useless last time around but they're not all like that by any means. I would therefore consider giving them another go.

As it is this situation you are now in is completely untenable. Your DD will certainly further pick up on what is happening at home. This man does not care about you or anyone else around him, only his own self.

You need to discuss this at a time you are both calm. From his non-apology it seems he was lashing out tbh.

Do you have equal leisure time? Can you actually show him a timetable of what your week is day and night? Whose are the horses? That's a huge time commitment but if they are yours then that is your leisure time tbh. If they are his then I'd tell him to pay for livery!

I would print him off a copy of the article about the wife divorcing her H because he left his cup by the dishwasher.

His mess makes you feel disrespected that is the point you need to get across.

I certainly wouldn't be doing any laundry for ANYONE that isn't in the dirty linen basket.

Perhaps you should book couples therapy so it can be discussed in a place where you are both heard and understood?

Work wise just keep applying for anything with fixed hours.

He is behaving like a knob only you know if it's worth trying to salvage. I'd hope he would be interested in listening and moving on though.

@RandomMess

The horses are ‘ours’ - they’re for my daughter but when I decided to drop the loan several months ago he wouldn’t shut up until I took the loan back on agsin.

It’s funny you should bring up the article - I have it to him around three weeks ago - he insists he’s read it abd understands it but she still I try to talk to him about the mess he leaves he’ll start with ‘we need to buy a new house first- that’s more important’ (there’s always something more important than me asking him to not leave his stuff lying around) and then I get upset and then he starts with ‘well I often load the dishwasher’ - at least the plates are next to it instead of dotted around the house, or ‘I’m looking around the house right now and it a mess and I see your stuff’ he refuses to accept that I will pick up my stuff (not him) along with his stuff and daughters stuff etc etc…he then moves onto I’m treating him like a mug, that I don’t appreciate him or how hard he works (I’ve NEVER EVER told him he doesn’t work enough or he doesn’t earn enough)

He’s now telling me I need to apologise to him - why? Because after he told me that me doing nothing would make no difference to his life he asked me to help him move a mattress….yes, it was petty, but I told him to do it himself, and because of that I should be the one apologising to him.

@MrsRobbieHart - I like ironing, a lot. Thank you for the suggestion.

No problem. Even if you only make £50 a week, that’s max 3 hours ironing for me and £50 is a help.

Start chucking his shit out instead of picking it up. Or simply putting it all in bin bags and hurling it on the lawn at the end of the day. Plates, food, clothes, towels, garbage, whatever.

You're not stuck op, check the benefits calculator on line, as about jobs at your local school etc. You've moved from one toxic and abusive relationship to another I'm afraid.

@bigbaggyeyes

I have no deposit, no car, no guarantor and nearly every advert for rental says ‘no housing benefit’

My daughter’s school is 25 miles away (her father chose it, I wasn’t allowed any say, and he refuses to move the school even though it’s also 10 miles from him - but that’s ok because his girlfriend/parents does all the school runs for him.) I have no family and no co-parent. Friends are either miles away or have their own problems.

But my biggest issue is no deposit, no guarantor and I would still be at least partly reliant on HB (no one wants to rent to HB) Refuge would send me out of area (already explored that route with a local DV/A organisation) - I can’t do that because of my daughter - trust me when I say her father is just biding his time to take back the ground I have gained over this past two years in having her back in my life snd I have NO recourse to funding if he takes me to court )and he will if he thinks he has the upper hand again.

Urgh he's a prick.

As you feel/are stuck for a few more years I would book couples counselling.

I would actually try very hard to pick up after yourself as you go and make DD tidy up after herself as you go. Make yourselves a reward chart so it is just his shit laying around!!