If your partner told you…

[Oldtiredfedup]

…that it’s fine for you to stop doing everything that you do because it would make no different to his life at all (not a joy of difference), how would you feel?

I stay at home, I do majority of everything: school runs (very long commute - it takes up 3 hours of time total in a day) laundry, holiday organisation, errand running, cleaning, pet care (which also involves a commute - horses), cooking, tidying, meal planning, list making, activities planning, child care etc etc etc - he doesn’t his bit when he’s home,absoloutly, but he’s awful at not picking his stuff up. Really awful. For example, he will take something out of a cupboard, used it (whilst he’s still standing in the same place) and then just put it down and walk away. He will take his clothes off and just leave them wherever he got undressed, he will live coupes and plates all over the house, he will use something up and then just leave the empty bottle/packet there. He says it’s because he works long hours and hasn’t got enough time. I disagree - and this led to a very long argument last night where he told me there are bigger things to worry about than him being a big messy, that I should just leave his mess (that means I can’t clean) etc etc…he threw insults at me, kept saying that I don’t pick up my stuff immediately either - which is true, but ita ME that picks up my stuff, AS WELL as his (clothes six feet away from thd laundry, shoes left in the middle of the floor, empty containers, receipts from his pockets, pens, pencils, work paperwork, tools, crockery, cups etc etc….

All I’m asking is for him to just put things where they belong -dirty dishes in the kitchen, tools back in his shed, empty containers in the bin, paperwork in his bag, shoes under the stairs, coats on the peg etc etc etc…and instead I get told that I’m just as bad, that the house has been a mess for a year anyway (it hasn’t) he downgraded it to ‘cluttered’ (well maybe if he put his own shit away it wouldn’t) and that he pulls his weight and works hard and he’s a mug.

I’ve told him to stuff it - I’m downing tools because what I do isn’t appreciated (a few months back he said that hour for hour he does more around the house than I do on top of the long hours he works - it’s isn’t true) and in response he’s said that me downing tools will not make one joy of difference to his life because what I do only takes an hour a day anyway.

How would you feel? I feel utterly unappreciated. And very upset. I’m apparently causing ‘insanity’ for finding it upsetting.

Am I just too sensitive?

And in case you don't realise, he's being very deliberate. Keeping you busy and tied and then gas lighting you so you can't win and you can't go anywhere. So no point in discussing things or pandering to him because nothing will change.

He is abusive. The way he treats you, talks to you and treated you when you were ill are all very abusive.

What are the work opportunities near your DDs school or between their and home? Much time could be saved with commuting.

Sounds like you would enjoy the ironing but also look at get an employed job perhaps office based. You have A levels!!

Do nothing

See how fast he appreciates you

He sounds like he’s an abuser.

Sorry.

You won’t get anywhere trying to get him to understand, appreciate you, change his behaviour or give a shit about your opinion.

So stop caring. Keep going with what you do, but make plans. Make. Plans.

Do the Freedom Course. (If you’ve done it before do it again.)
Gather information on benefits etc.
Look at places where secondary schools are in areas you can live independently with your DD - places you don’t need a car.
Think about how you might improve your qualifications.

Don’t hang your life and your self-esteem on this guy. He’s a shit. Try to survive the best you can whilst making plans. Don’t let him upset you.

He is massively disrespectful. He is abusing you. He is deliberately goading you and messing with your head. He is controlling you. He is trying to convince you that you are mad, so you no longer trust yourself. He wants to get a reaction out of you so that he can 'prove' you are unreasonable.

Stop reacting. Have a mantra to say in your head if it helps. Show your DC a strong, happy mum. Start the ironing business and build on it. Build up an income and some self-confidence. Don't let him know it or put your efforts down. Don't be drawn in to arguements. If he keeps asking you to repeat something, tell him you're concerned about his hearing or his memory and he maybe ought to get it checked out, as he keeps forgetting simple things.

Show him you know your worth. You deserve better than him. Start making plans to get out, even it it takes a while. Every plan you make, every step forward, is a step closer to being free, just you and your DC. Free to live the life you want, without this vile abuser trying to pull you down all the time.

*that should have said don't let him SPOIL it.

Yes, a horse is a huge commitment, drop that. Work where and when you can and save up the money. Tidy the house but don’t pick up his clothes and wash them and if he asks just explain as they weren’t in the basket, you didn’t know if he wanted them washed. Be very neutral on the whole issue. He’s a head worker and by not responding you will wrong foot him. This will make it easier for you to live in the house with him until you can leave, which you undoubtedly should.