Coercive / controlling / abusive behaviour - but without intent?

[Sixeight]

I have had a variety of counselling, from nhs counselling to relate, and now I’m paying for a counsellor plus talking to someone from women’s aid.

My relationship is on the brink of being over - tbh I’m just trying to work out why, and what the bet outcome for the kids is :(

About 50% of counsellors so far have told me I’ve experienced coercive, controlling, unhealthy behaviour in my relationship. The other half of counsellors (mainly nhs and relate) say they want to ‘park’ that side of things till the massive communication issues in the relationship are sorted.

My question is - is there any research or reading out there regarding coercive, controlling, unhealthy behaviour in marriages that is actually unintentional from the ‘perpetrator’s’ perspective?

There isn’t a malicious bone in my husband’s body, yet I do acknowledge that his behaviour was unintentionally coercive, controlling and unhealthy. Which is why our marriage is falling apart.

Someone from women’s aid that I spoke to today said that if this wasn’t intentional, it could be learned behaviour from his upbringing? This does make sense, his mum is a pro at guilt tripping.

I have the opportunity to do a course about unhealthy behaviour within relationships (thinly veiled language for ‘abuse’) which I’d like to do. But I can only do it if my husband - we are hanging on to the relationship by our fingernails - agrees to it as well.

But asking him to do the course sounds, to me, like a death knell for his already fragile mental health. Relate counselling showed that he was totally unaware of the impact his behaviour has had on me - and, to be honest, my behaviour was just as unhealthy as his, as I never called him on it or told him how he made me feel.

Whatever the reason - my question is this. Can you point me to any resources, or reading, that explain this unhealthy relationship behaviour TO the unaware perpetrator, without making them feel like an abuser?

I do think that people who exhibit unhealthy behaviour in relationships (because it’s the only way they’ve learned to behave) could change their approach if they are with a strong, confident, self assured partner who calls them on their unhealthy behaviour at the first sign.

Nope because that person would leave them, not 'call them out' because they'd recognise abusive / manipulative people are not suitable partners.

Then that abusive / manipulative person would simply continue to date until they find someone who doesn't leave them despite that behaviour.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for men.

I think the fact that it maybe unintentional or learned behaviour on his part is really neither here nor there in terms of the impact on your relationship. It's still happening, and you shouldn't be the one having to deal with it. You certainly shouldn't be having to take the lead in him sorting out these behaviours. This is his baggage, not yours, and if he can't give you what you need in the relationship then he needs to address that.

If he's aware of what he is doing (presumably you've spoken to him about this so he has some insight), then he should be committing to change his behaviour and seek any therapy that he needs.

This shouldn't be on your shoulders regardless of whether or not it's "intentional". It removes responsibility from him to change the behaviour and that is not OK.

I think some ‘abusers’ are using behaviours they’ve learned from their upbringing

@Sixeight Yes... pretty much all of them, actually.

The thing is, this is not a special or unusual case. Almost all abusers will say that what they do is unintentional, they're unaware of it, it's due to how they were brought up, it's a learned behaviour.

It's probably true, but it doesn't make it any less abusive, and it doesn't mean you should tolerate it just because there is an underlying reason.

There's ALWAYS an underlying reason for people's behaviour.

He needs to get some therapy and commit to changing, and in the meantime you should leave the relationship. If he turns himself around in a few years, maybe you can give him another chance - but at the moment, he's not a suitable partner.

You have to be at peace with the fact you will never, ever understand and nor will you kids

Also this. Trying to understand is a dark and lonely path, and it leads straight to nowhere. Honestly, just get out.

"If i don’t understand his behaviours, how can I protect my son’s mental health (he is the focus of most arguments) and stop my daughter being a mediator? I want to be able to teach them how to be strong and self confident in calling their dad out when they see unhealthy behaviour"

I'm going to be honest - you cannot teach them what you can't do yourself. Perhaps they need support from elsewhere, at least for now - Childline, CAMHS, school, counselling? Did you speak with Women's Aid yourself to learn how to respond to your husband's controlling behaviour? You're still focused on trying to understand your partner which enables his behaviour, and keeps the unhelpful dynamic going for your kids.

The bottom line here is that by keeping your children living with an abuser while you try and understand why he is an abuser you are damaging them. Their mental well being and emotional development is being sacrificed to your fruitless quest to understand him.

You aren't doing him any favours either by hanging around to suck up his abuse. That's enabling his unacceptable behaviour.

Stop kidding yourself that you can save him and instead focus on saving what's left of your DCs childhood.

I've not read the full thread bit wanted to pop on to say that I think that behaviour is often unintentional and not premeditated, because of the perpetrators own issues. When making decisions about my own relationship, I found it easier to focus on what I could and couldn't cope with, rather than labelling it as abusive or not. I don't know if that helps but it helped me. Xx

@tunainatin that’s really simple but actually very useful. Thank you.