Partner abusive when drunk and wets himself

[LilBells]

Hi. I'm not even a Mum, but when I've Google searched my perdicament, you guys always pop up.
My boyfriend of 7 years is a heavy drinker. Not out of norm for a 48 year old British male (or female), but the issue arises because of how he is towards ME after 4 pints onwards. I have to point out the ME in capital letters because he is like it towards no one else when drunk.. Just ME. No one in his family, nor his friends, see what he's like. My partner is exceptionally good at hiding his drunken side to others who love him.

When he's drinking, this can be from 3 drinks onwards, he gets nasty and verbally abusive towards me. The worst thing of all though is that he wets himself. The bed, the bathroom floor, the bedroom carpets. I've literally lost track of the number of times it's happened over the years. He doesn't even think he had to apologise anymore. He just tries to pass it all off as a normal thing that all guys do. I'm disgusted. But the worst thing of all is that he attempts to have me believe that no other person on this earth would have an issue with it. That no other woman he knows would make a "song & dance" about it. Well, I disagree. Thing is, I can't ask my female friends as I don't want them to know he does this. In a stupid way, I guess I'm protecting him. I'm so angry at him, so angry at myself. He does it every time he goes out. It's my house and tbh, I want to end the relationship with him.. But when I've tried to do that many times before, he loses his temper and starts to threaten me with all sorts of things. He says "I'm going to tell, everyone what you're like.." but there's nothing to tell.. I'm just continually angry at him . This weekend same thing happened, alcohol ridden man pi55 all over my bathroom floor. I slipped up in it.. Its vile. I went out and told him to clean it up. He got abusive and did his usual "gas lighting" by trying to make me believe I was exaggerating.. He said "it's just a bit of dribble.." I promise you, it certainly was Not. It was a full bladder all over my floor. It's happened so many times that I've started to feel my entire home smells of wee. I am so terribly down.
He makes out that because he is nice all the other times, generous, etc, that I should therefore "overlook" his drunken behaviour., the bed wetting. I now make him sleep in spare room. He just pi55es the bed, turn the mattress over, washes his clothes from previous night that he fell asleep in, and refuses to acknowledge what he's done.

He will then sulk for days if I'm angry at him. He will often say things like "are you still holding on to this.." in reference to my anger.. In the past, he promised time and time and time again he will sort his drinking out. That he won't drink or take coke. That he will control his temper. But he's done absolutely nothing about it.

I hate him when he drinks.. I get hugely anxious when I know he's due to be drinking.
He's otherwise a nice guy.. Most people think he's a saint.. But that's because he saves all his anger up for me
I wish his family knew what he was like.
I know I'd be better off without him, but he's a master in manipulation and gas lighting.. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever escape this merry go round.

Another just adding support
You've got this

I’ve been in this situation OP, minus the pissing.
The reason you’re unwilling to talk openly about it is shame, I felt that too. It’s not your fault though or responsibility. We all make bad choices in life or believe in people but there’s really only so much you can take before you break.
I think you need to tell one person you trust, just one and ask them to accompany you when you tell him to leave. Give him no choice, pack his bags (or throw his stuff out the window), change the locks.
One of 2 things will happen a) he won’t kick up a fuss in front of a witness, will leave and you can block him out of your life or b) he will get angry, you’ll have a witness to this behaviour and honestly, I’d call the police

Let's hope he doesn't make a 'song and dance' about leaving, OP. If he does and you have someone there, one of you could say you're surprised at him making a song and dance of it.

Good luck.

@LilBells - I apologise for my post early on, where I accused you of having posted this as a wind-up. But that's how truly horrendous your post was. It just seemed unfathomable to me that someone would put up with this outrageous behaviour from a partner. But I guess you were the proverbial boiling frog, and all this terrible abuse gradually became normalised for you. And make no mistake: what he is doing IS abuse!

So glad to hear you own the house. Get rid of him by changing the locks. And then treat yourself to a new mattress, new bedding, new sheets, new sofa, new curtains, and give the place a lick of paint. Doesnt have to be expensive stuff if money is tight, but you absolutely deserve a clean and safe home. And buy a bunch of flowers and a couple of reed diffusers and start your new life.

OP if you come back to tell us the locks are changed and you've thrown him out, we'll all be cheering. Some threads on here do get blown out of proportion a bit, but not this one. No woman should stay a second longer in circumstances like this. I hope you are nearly free!

@LilBells - you don't have to let him back in today, you know.

Maybe it will be easier to just rip the plaster off than draw it out and have him grind you down and gaslight you even further?

Before he gets back, change the locks and get as much of his stuff as you can out front. Text him and tell him it's over and he should collect his things asap before it rains. And then turn off your phone.

Is there anybody you could have over while he collects? I know you think you have to, but you actually don't have to speak to him again if you don't want to.

It's your home, he is out of it now, and never has to set foot in it again.

@Brainwave89

If you can I would take videos/pictures. You deserve better than this and I would ask him to leave, or leave him. As a side point, I had an alcoholic father, if he drinks regularly, and he is getting nasty after 4 pints this is surprising. For a regular drinker four pints (whilst a lot of booze), is not enough to put a hardened drinker beyond control. My point is that there seems to be some element of will in his behaviour- it is not just the drink. Good luck OP

I was going to say after 4 pints not being able to find the toilet or being too out of it seems unlikely - seems more like laziness to me and that he knows he can get away with it. Same with the abusive behaviour, this is default setting d the booze gives him something to blame it on.

He sounds like was pretty inconsiderate and pushing boundaries as a child. A discussion is not going to fix his behaviour. He is not going to see the error of his ways.

Change the locks today, don't let him back in.

@BudrosBudrosGalli

My cousin confided in me after years of going through almost the same. This kind of behaviour is sadly far more common. Her ex pissed on the sofa, in the bed and in other places and didn't even have any sense of shame anymore. She eventually had enough and left him but not before peeing many times in a bucket and then emptying it all over his things. Guess what, he didn't like it.

Brilliant!!

If you're not a pet owner, OP, then you might find some of the pet fabri cleaners have enzymes that are quite good at removing the urine constituents that cause smells. As you and PPs have suggested, removing the cause of the cause of the smells requires decisive action.

I can't even find the words to describe him, you, on the other hand, are a saint for tolerating his shocking behaviour for this long whilst also trying to help him.

The part that I find utterly shocking and unfathomable is that he pisses over the bathroom floor - so he's got himself up, got himself to the smallest room in the house, the bathroom but then just doesn't bother to use the toilet that must be right there???? That tells you that you can't help him. It's some sort of dirty protest against you, designed to make you angry, you rightly admonish him, he then becomes a victim. It made for very sad reading, you sound so lost, done in and almost brainwashed - please find the strength to never allow him back.

Ugh, what an arsehole. And he expects you to shag that.

About half of men of 48 maybe drink too much, but hardly any are doing it to the point of p*ssing themselves. Even if he's just unlucky in that that's how it effects him, you'dve thought it'd be motivation for him to cut down.

Of course you should bin him- him taking some stuff out of the house is the ideal time if you can change locks and put his stuff outside fast enough.

I made a thread once that was life-changing, I hope this does the same for you.

Feel free to talk about the other stuff that goes on @LilBells , if you think it'll motivate you even more, as we willl all tell you how dreadful it all is.

Part of the reason you're finding it hard to end the relationship is that he's somewhat threatening about it.

But wow, you are keeping a diary of dodgy incidents about a man you're not even married to and don't have children with.

Bin and try not to ever put up with stuff like this from a man again.

I’ve just read this. Speechless.
Op, I hope you get the support from family and friends you need to get this disgusting man out of your house for good.
Reclaim your house, your self respect and your independence .

Please don't have children with him, you need to leave or plan to leave. This is not normal, you deserve so much more.

Get him out, change the locks, do not waste another moment of your life on him. I have had pets that have behaved better.

@LilBells hope you're ok op?

I come from a long line of male pissy pants going back through the paternal line. Memories of family feuds/discussions within the relatives. My bro started drinking early 20's and it evolved into same pattern. He knocked alcohol on the head and hasn't touched it for decades. He's nearly 60. Issues with bad memories from childhood haunt him.
Just sending you strength OP. Please don't go through life like this.

Please give us an update when you can OP. I'm sure we'd all like to see you free from this monster and are more than happy to support you on your journey to freedom

Oh dear, so Mr Stinky isn't toilet trained? Far too late to train him and why would you bother. Think how lovely your house would be with a new mattress and carpet and no Mr Stinky.

Even if some very stupid women put up with this you do not have to.

Don't know if I'm late here because I've only read the filtered OPs.

You poor thing he's completely turned your head upside down and I'm really glad you've found a place here to get support and talk things through.

When you do decide to ask him to leave please either preferably have a friend with you or at least call the police on 101 and notify them that you will be asking a volatile partner to leave. This may sound really extreme but you are not reporting anything so there's no guilt to be felt. What will happen is that they will "fast track" any further calls from your number and send someone out straight away.

My friend did this and had to use it and they arrived within 5 minutes, it was a really good safety net for her because she knew he would escalate and he did. He wasn't arrested or charged but he was taken aside and given a stern talking to and told to leave and not come back by the attending officers.

I posted about an identical situation with my daughter's DP. He had the same script of "everyone does it". No. They don't.

You really just have to leave. Bottom line. You don't even have kids with the man, so what's stopping you?!
My self-respect wouldn't be able to handle being with someone like that. Know your worth.

Hello..i am sorry i haven't updated.. I'm not used to how the site works.. But tbh, I've been really down this past week. Not seen ex partner now since he left. I've kind of had the stuffing knocked out of me so unsure as to how to deal with suddenly being single. I know I need to strap a pair on and embrace this with all I've got. But I feel really teary..ive still not confided in anyone other than you guys. Ive come to realise that I am totally crap at "reaching out", I never have reached out to anyone in my life. I'm terribly private, and always act like nothing is wrong. I just masquerade that all is OK, when it really isnt.
I know in the long run, I will not miss the drinking, the pisding, and abuse one iota, but at this moment in time, I feel very very lost and rather all at sea I'm afraid. I just can't bring myself to talk about it.. Its as though its been locked inside me for so long, that I have no idea where to begin in telling close friends, or how to articulate it. Everyone I know is in a decent relationship, or hugely happy flying solo, it's as though I don't want to bring the mood down on anyone by being miserable.
Thankfully you guys, a bunch of anonymous strangers, have been hugely helpful. Xxx

It's still early days OP, you're bound to still not be feeling yourself.

As to talking to your friends- do you drink or could you allow yourself a drink just this once? (obviously not to the extent of pissing yourself. That should make things a bit easier. Then make it come out of your mouth. xxx

And of course we're all always happy to listen.

It doesn't matter how it ends or why it never feels like a relief at first and you have to do a lot of unpicking your own emotions
I was upset for a while after I kicked my alcoholic husband out but you're mourning the relationship you should have had rather than the one you did
Best off telling people to avoid awkward questions if you bump into people and being put on the spot
You don't need to be miserable , just send an upbeat text to your nearest saying that you are no longer together but it's all for the best and you are going to be ok