Partner abusive when drunk and wets himself

[LilBells]

Hi. I'm not even a Mum, but when I've Google searched my perdicament, you guys always pop up.
My boyfriend of 7 years is a heavy drinker. Not out of norm for a 48 year old British male (or female), but the issue arises because of how he is towards ME after 4 pints onwards. I have to point out the ME in capital letters because he is like it towards no one else when drunk.. Just ME. No one in his family, nor his friends, see what he's like. My partner is exceptionally good at hiding his drunken side to others who love him.

When he's drinking, this can be from 3 drinks onwards, he gets nasty and verbally abusive towards me. The worst thing of all though is that he wets himself. The bed, the bathroom floor, the bedroom carpets. I've literally lost track of the number of times it's happened over the years. He doesn't even think he had to apologise anymore. He just tries to pass it all off as a normal thing that all guys do. I'm disgusted. But the worst thing of all is that he attempts to have me believe that no other person on this earth would have an issue with it. That no other woman he knows would make a "song & dance" about it. Well, I disagree. Thing is, I can't ask my female friends as I don't want them to know he does this. In a stupid way, I guess I'm protecting him. I'm so angry at him, so angry at myself. He does it every time he goes out. It's my house and tbh, I want to end the relationship with him.. But when I've tried to do that many times before, he loses his temper and starts to threaten me with all sorts of things. He says "I'm going to tell, everyone what you're like.." but there's nothing to tell.. I'm just continually angry at him . This weekend same thing happened, alcohol ridden man pi55 all over my bathroom floor. I slipped up in it.. Its vile. I went out and told him to clean it up. He got abusive and did his usual "gas lighting" by trying to make me believe I was exaggerating.. He said "it's just a bit of dribble.." I promise you, it certainly was Not. It was a full bladder all over my floor. It's happened so many times that I've started to feel my entire home smells of wee. I am so terribly down.
He makes out that because he is nice all the other times, generous, etc, that I should therefore "overlook" his drunken behaviour., the bed wetting. I now make him sleep in spare room. He just pi55es the bed, turn the mattress over, washes his clothes from previous night that he fell asleep in, and refuses to acknowledge what he's done.

He will then sulk for days if I'm angry at him. He will often say things like "are you still holding on to this.." in reference to my anger.. In the past, he promised time and time and time again he will sort his drinking out. That he won't drink or take coke. That he will control his temper. But he's done absolutely nothing about it.

I hate him when he drinks.. I get hugely anxious when I know he's due to be drinking.
He's otherwise a nice guy.. Most people think he's a saint.. But that's because he saves all his anger up for me
I wish his family knew what he was like.
I know I'd be better off without him, but he's a master in manipulation and gas lighting.. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever escape this merry go round.

He's done you a favour OP. Use this time to change the locks and bag his stuff up. You'll be surprised with people's reactions when you start to tell them - but in a good way. I always thought my ex was adored by everyone, turns out people see more than you give them credit for. Those that don't believe or back him - well they are t worth having as friends.

He has left the building? Great. Bin bags with his personal shit by the front door and change the core/keys on all the locks.
Congratulations, you didn't have to manhandle him out the door.

Heavy drinking is not the norm for 48 year old men. More seriously, pissing all over the place isn't. It sounds as if he is doing this deliberately.

I'm not convinced that you should change the locks - if you've been living together for 7 years he may have rights. Phone Women's Aid and/or a solicitor to check.

I've kept his treatment of me secret for so long, it'll be as though people will think I've suddenly made it up

Invite them to come and sniff his mattress if they think you've made it up.

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP and I hope you've taken this opportunity to pack his stuff and get your locks changed.
His behaviour is abusive. Pissing everywhere is not normal.
His abuse and gaslighting are all part of his training to make you believe it is normal. He needs you to be compliant so he doesnt have to modify his behaviour if he lives elsewhere, or indeed train a new partner to tolerate his behaviour.
Tell him the cost of any diy will be offset against the cost of replacing carpet, mattresses and bedding. Call the police if there is any hint of him damaging your house, or if you feel unsafe.
You can do this OP

@Jemand he has no rights, they are not married, have no children and I'm assuming OP didn't draw up a tenancy agreement when he moved in.

OP change the bloody locks and be happy!

My exbf (15 years ago) used to get so pissed he would literally shit himself, he would get beer "on tick" from the off license. Makes me so embarrassed that I was with him now. He once told me that I would end up a sad, lonely person. Now I have a wonderful husband, 2 amazing children (the oldest is his, no contact all, she never wants to meet him), fantastic family and friends and a good career. That was his sad attempt to keep me trapped with him. I shudder to think what my life would have been if I believed him, however I had more self respect and self love for myself and went on to have the life I deserved and have never looked back. You can do this, we've got your back

What a disgusting creature he is!
I would get the locks changed as soon as you can this morning, pack his stuff and leave it outside and call the police if he kicks off.
You deserve so much better thank this revolting individual 🤢

Don't have him back!

I cannot believe that I've not joined and posted to this group before. Its as though I'm finally able to speak. I did tell the AL anon guys, but as mentioned earlier, covid struck and they only meet online at present.
One of the bullets he uses on me continuously is our 'lack of sex life', but I'm just not interested in a sexual relationship with someone who I know is capable of gaslighting me and weeing everywhere and who refuses to change or control his drinking. Tbh, he can get nasty after just one beer.. How is that even a thing??
I am totally fed up with his refusal to sort himself out, his constant blaming of me for his anger.
Youre all absolutely right.. We're not married, we don't have kids, I'm in my own home.. How the hell have I not sorted this mess out before..? I truly cannot answer that.
I know it's going to be emotionally difficult, but like you all suggest, it's time to reclaim my home and make it smell nice again.. The thing I find very hard is to confide in folk. I've never been good at it.. I guess I possibly am rather secretive about my private life. But the advice in every single reply is invaluable.. Most have made me cry, but some did make me smile.
I feel as though I've discovered a little support network...finally.
I recorded him shouting once, and I filmed the wee, but what I have always done is keep diartlybon my phone of every time he gets volatile and wees. I often look back on it, and it speaks volumes at how frequent it actually all is.
I cannot Thank you all enough. Every single reply has given me a real determination that today is the day that I bring an end to this once and for all. X

Good for you! This will be the start of the rest of your life without this absolutely disgusting creature!

Agree with pp.

He has no rights, change the locks and in the meantime put the deadlock on. If he kicks off, call the police.

This is not normal, No one I know of wets themselves after drinking and I’ve only ever heard of it being an issue with heavy, problem drinkers. But that is a red herring, if he treated you with respect and acknowledged it was an issue you could handle it. The way he speaks to you, and it doesn’t sound like there’s any down time in his behaviour, is completely unacceptable.

Time to set yourself free and start to enjoy your life again. It may take a while to pick yourself up but the support on here can be phenomenal.

Good luck. 💐

Tell him he’s not allowed back. You’re not discussing it further. Put his stuff outside in bin bags and tell him to come and get it. Can you have someone with you when you do this?

I hope you have a good life without him sucking the life out of you.

Op I can tell through your posts that you are really worried what other people think of you. You have to let that go. Your partner sounds horrible and may well badmouth you or lie about how difficult you are. But it doesn't matter. You know the truth and deep down so does he. Other people's opinions of you simply don't matter. There will always be people who don't like you, it's what you think about yourself that matters.

I'm quite awful so I'd be tempted to record his vile behaviour or even the mess he makes and just remind him that you have footage of it should he ever decide to swing things around on you. See how many other people think what he's doing is normal and acceptable. However if he's a volatile character then it's not worth the risk of him turning on you.

I'm pleased you seem to be realising just how disgusting this is. I had a boyfriend do it once when I was younger and it put me off him for weeks. I honestly couldn't live with someone who thought it was acceptable and did it regularly. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him!

Get rid and your life will be so much happier and peaceful.

Good decision OP. You will be so much happier.

Where is your self respect? You should not put up with this! It is not normal and the fact that he only treats you badly when drunk shows that it is not a lack of control, but a deliberate act. He does not think it’s a problem, so is never going to change. Get rid and make your home a piss free zone.

I hope you find the strength to throw him out and keep him out. He may well kick off - he's had it cushy and now that's going to end. But it's your house and you aren't married, so bag up his stuff, put it outside and change the locks. Call the police if needed, don't be afraid to do that. Then block him and refuse all contact.

In terms of the pissing everywhere, he probably has a kidney stone. That's what it was for my late husband, who was also an alcoholic. When he had it removed, the pissing stopped. The drinking did not, so things ended badly for us. But it's on your STBX to see a doctor and get it sorted.

The last "person" who peed in my home was a little puppy. At least it showed remorse and learned to pee outside. Get rid. Big girl knickers on. You can do this. Live and enjoy your life pee free.

Pack up his stuff. Order new mattresses and replace the bathroom floor.

One life.

Choose a better one xxx

He's quite literally pissing to mark his territory. He's showing you that your belongings belong to him and he's going to wee on them. Who does that?

Now you've decided you want him out, please be careful. Can you have someone with you when you tell him?

Remember to have the locks changed on all doors - front, back etc & make sure your windows are shut & locked too. Good luck!

Let your partner spouts what he wants, throw him out.
Also tell your friends in real life what you have been going through, you haven't done anything to be ashamed about (plus when he goes spouting his mouth your friends will already know the truth).

It's not normal for 48 year olds to be big drinkers or coke takers. He has drink and drug issues that only he can do something about. Him wetting himself and not even apologising shows disrespect to you and your property.

Pack his stuff, throw him out, change locks and block him

Do bear in mind that you don't have to tell anyone why you ended the relationship. It's no one's business apart from your own so if anyone asks just tell them it wasn't working out. End of discussion.

Well done re the steps you’ve already taken re Al Anon, recording the shouting, wees and logging every incident. Make sure you have a back up in case he gets even more aggressive. I wouldn’t recommend confronting him with evidence in person but tbh, I’d be more than happy to humiliate him if I was in your position (once personal safety assured) and he proceeded to gaslight you or your mutual acquaintances. This man has continuously demonstrated how little he considers your feelings and trashed your home. Who would want to have sex with such a horrible man?!

I'm 37. I have never, NEVER come across anyone who regularly gets so drunk they piss themselves.