Partner abusive when drunk and wets himself

[LilBells]

Hi. I'm not even a Mum, but when I've Google searched my perdicament, you guys always pop up.
My boyfriend of 7 years is a heavy drinker. Not out of norm for a 48 year old British male (or female), but the issue arises because of how he is towards ME after 4 pints onwards. I have to point out the ME in capital letters because he is like it towards no one else when drunk.. Just ME. No one in his family, nor his friends, see what he's like. My partner is exceptionally good at hiding his drunken side to others who love him.

When he's drinking, this can be from 3 drinks onwards, he gets nasty and verbally abusive towards me. The worst thing of all though is that he wets himself. The bed, the bathroom floor, the bedroom carpets. I've literally lost track of the number of times it's happened over the years. He doesn't even think he had to apologise anymore. He just tries to pass it all off as a normal thing that all guys do. I'm disgusted. But the worst thing of all is that he attempts to have me believe that no other person on this earth would have an issue with it. That no other woman he knows would make a "song & dance" about it. Well, I disagree. Thing is, I can't ask my female friends as I don't want them to know he does this. In a stupid way, I guess I'm protecting him. I'm so angry at him, so angry at myself. He does it every time he goes out. It's my house and tbh, I want to end the relationship with him.. But when I've tried to do that many times before, he loses his temper and starts to threaten me with all sorts of things. He says "I'm going to tell, everyone what you're like.." but there's nothing to tell.. I'm just continually angry at him . This weekend same thing happened, alcohol ridden man pi55 all over my bathroom floor. I slipped up in it.. Its vile. I went out and told him to clean it up. He got abusive and did his usual "gas lighting" by trying to make me believe I was exaggerating.. He said "it's just a bit of dribble.." I promise you, it certainly was Not. It was a full bladder all over my floor. It's happened so many times that I've started to feel my entire home smells of wee. I am so terribly down.
He makes out that because he is nice all the other times, generous, etc, that I should therefore "overlook" his drunken behaviour., the bed wetting. I now make him sleep in spare room. He just pi55es the bed, turn the mattress over, washes his clothes from previous night that he fell asleep in, and refuses to acknowledge what he's done.

He will then sulk for days if I'm angry at him. He will often say things like "are you still holding on to this.." in reference to my anger.. In the past, he promised time and time and time again he will sort his drinking out. That he won't drink or take coke. That he will control his temper. But he's done absolutely nothing about it.

I hate him when he drinks.. I get hugely anxious when I know he's due to be drinking.
He's otherwise a nice guy.. Most people think he's a saint.. But that's because he saves all his anger up for me
I wish his family knew what he was like.
I know I'd be better off without him, but he's a master in manipulation and gas lighting.. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever escape this merry go round.

What a dick. As pp have said, it's not you and not the beer. It's him and you can do so much better.

Pick his stuff up and change the locks. Film him if he rants and raves and don't be afraid to call the police.

Good luck OP. It will be worth it.

Bloody hell, he sounds vile! Bag his stuff up and tell him not to bother coming back. You'll be so much happier in the long run.

Your update gives me joy OP. Well done. Be prepared for more shit than he’s ever given you before but again just record it somehow, and tell him you’ve filmed his nasty behaviour and it will be shown to all friends and family unless he fucks off NOW

Firstly, you are already aware of the term gaslighting, and recognise that that is what is happening in this situation. It sounds as though your mainly staying in this relationship as he is threatening when you say you will end it? I think you should seek some guidance from domestic abuse charities who may be able to give you some advice and support. Could you ask anyone to stay with you for a period following the break up, or stay somewhere else, if you are afraid he will turn up drunk and threatening? You shouldn't have to live with him out of fear. And just to reassure you you are absolutely not making a big deal out of something most women with accept. I would not tolerate such behaviour, I'd lose all respect for my husband if he was peeing all over the house due to being drunk! As the saying goes 'you never know what goes on behind closed doors', so so what if everyone thinks he is a saint, you know differently and if they want to disagree with you perhaps they will so kind as to allow him to live in their property and see how he really behaves. Let people defend him or take his side... as long as your away from him and safe, that's all that matters!

Run! Please run! Why put yourself through this? This guy has successfully been able to stop you from asking people in your life if this is normal behaviour. Ans I’m sure your friends would echo what we are all saying…it’s not! Textbook abuse. He has no respect for you or your home. Also, do you really want to be with someone who can’t listen to you, respect you and who’s an addict.

I would tell two/three people who you trust. Tell them everything, have them round when you tell him to leave. I say that because he is a manipulator who knows how to pull your strings. You need people out there who won’t be swayed and can see into things clearly. Please leave

So glad to read your update OP. You deserve to live in a clean and conflict free home without being abused. Please do confide in someone IRL. You've nothing to feel embarrassed about and friends and family may well have picked up on this but not wanted to say. Just visualise your BH weekend being happy and free and not having to second guess the abusive arsehole

He’s a revolting pissy pants drunk. I am glad you have realized that this is neither normal nor acceptable. Tell a trusted friend and break the silence, get support when you kick him out and don’t be afraid to call the police if he kicks off. Time this disgusting man was on the other side of your door.

I had to reply to you, OP, because I honestly thought you were describing my ex until you put his age, because your partner sounds so so similar to my ex.

I was 20 when I met my ex (so was he). He and his friends were heavy drinkers but whilst they were capable of using a toilet he apparently was not. It started off as an occasional situation where I would wake up in a wet bed but it happened so rarely that I just assumed it was an unfortunate situation and wouldn't happen again. He never seemed embarrassed, which should have set alarm bells ringing but I was stupid and in love and naive and I didn't realise that the lack of embarrassment showed how frequently this behaviour actually was happening and he was past caring when he wet himself.

Over the years we were together it became more and more frequent until he was drinking heavily everyday and consequently pissing himself at least 3-4 times a week. He pissed in our bed, on the carpets and on the sofas after passing out in various places, and I even caught him standing in the middle of the kitchen one night pissing on the cupboard doors. His mum told me that when he was younger she had caught him pissing INTO the fridge. His behaviour was repulsive and our whole house smelt like a filthy urinal.

He was also abusive towards me when he was drunk. He would come back from the pub and stand over me, swaying, unable to focus, swearing and calling me awful names and saying how much he hated me. It was really frightening and I even had to escape to his mum's in one occasion because I felt so threatened by him. He would also regularly fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his hand and I would have to hide in the bedroom (away from his abuse) until he fell asleep so that I could remove the cigarette without him realising what I was doing. I would often be up until the early hours of the morning waiting to do this because I was so scared he would set the house on fire whilst I was asleep but I was also scared to take it from him when he was awake because he was so intimidating and abusive when awake.

I also didn't want to have sex with him for obvious reasons and this resulted in him sexually abusing and eventually raping me on numerous occasions.

I finally left him when I was 25 and met a lovely man who has NEVER pissed himself when drunk. I don't know a single man who does this. It really isn't the norm. In your situation, the pissing himself plus the abuse he gives you shows what a vile individual he truly is. Please get out now. This man is utterly horrible.

@LilBells - have you changed the locks yet?

What are you going to do today?

@LilBells

How are you doing?

We’re all here for you

@CuckooCall

I had to reply to you, OP, because I honestly thought you were describing my ex until you put his age, because your partner sounds so so similar to my ex.

I was 20 when I met my ex (so was he). He and his friends were heavy drinkers but whilst they were capable of using a toilet he apparently was not. It started off as an occasional situation where I would wake up in a wet bed but it happened so rarely that I just assumed it was an unfortunate situation and wouldn't happen again. He never seemed embarrassed, which should have set alarm bells ringing but I was stupid and in love and naive and I didn't realise that the lack of embarrassment showed how frequently this behaviour actually was happening and he was past caring when he wet himself.

Over the years we were together it became more and more frequent until he was drinking heavily everyday and consequently pissing himself at least 3-4 times a week. He pissed in our bed, on the carpets and on the sofas after passing out in various places, and I even caught him standing in the middle of the kitchen one night pissing on the cupboard doors. His mum told me that when he was younger she had caught him pissing INTO the fridge. His behaviour was repulsive and our whole house smelt like a filthy urinal.

He was also abusive towards me when he was drunk. He would come back from the pub and stand over me, swaying, unable to focus, swearing and calling me awful names and saying how much he hated me. It was really frightening and I even had to escape to his mum's in one occasion because I felt so threatened by him. He would also regularly fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his hand and I would have to hide in the bedroom (away from his abuse) until he fell asleep so that I could remove the cigarette without him realising what I was doing. I would often be up until the early hours of the morning waiting to do this because I was so scared he would set the house on fire whilst I was asleep but I was also scared to take it from him when he was awake because he was so intimidating and abusive when awake.

I also didn't want to have sex with him for obvious reasons and this resulted in him sexually abusing and eventually raping me on numerous occasions.

I finally left him when I was 25 and met a lovely man who has NEVER pissed himself when drunk. I don't know a single man who does this. It really isn't the norm. In your situation, the pissing himself plus the abuse he gives you shows what a vile individual he truly is. Please get out now. This man is utterly horrible.

I am so glad to hear that you ended this relationship. 5 years is a very long time to have to go through this.

good for you; stay strong. ive been on a similar position; just ignore the threats. if you feel he is a physical danger then involve the police. they are much better at dealing with domestic violence situations since the pandemic. good luck. come back here if you are feeling stressed or need extra support. we are all behind you.

How the hell have I not sorted this mess out before..? I truly cannot answer that.

PLEASE do not turn this into a stick to beat yourself with. You are sorting it now. He can go no further. Well done, and be nice to yourself as you go forward.

well done for asking for help and starting to take control. No alcoholic has to pi$$ himself continuously - he is lashing out at you through this. His behaviour will escalate if you have kids and he thinks he has you trapped - upward and onward. Life is too short. by staying with him you are condoning his behaviour and sending him signals it is OK.. it is NOT OK, - move on and start to find your life again xx

🤮Change the locks. Xx

Alchoholics piss beds.

And if he was not an abuser, then he would choose to leave you and seek help from AA as a single man. Rather than keep drinking and abusing you. He likes abusing you. And he uses the booze as an 'excuse' to start.

Hope you get your locks changed today.
Dont tell him it's over until you've fully secured the premises or he will rush back. If need be, leave the keys in the locks whilst you are inside the property waiting on the locksmith.

If you can I would take videos/pictures. You deserve better than this and I would ask him to leave, or leave him. As a side point, I had an alcoholic father, if he drinks regularly, and he is getting nasty after 4 pints this is surprising. For a regular drinker four pints (whilst a lot of booze), is not enough to put a hardened drinker beyond control. My point is that there seems to be some element of will in his behaviour- it is not just the drink. Good luck OP

I hope you changed the locks when he was away! And although you may feel like you dont want to tell people, this is not your shame - its his. If people dont know how bad he is, he can continue to twist things. But anyone with half a brain can see how abusive he is. Oh, and the being nice thing? It is called the hearts and flowers phase in the abuse cycle and it is what keeps people from leaving.

Change the locks ASAP. Log a call with police non emergency number regarding threats. Leave a bag of essentials outside for him. You deserve better that being treated like crap from an abusive alcoholic!

I really feel for you.

He is an addict and this is abusive.

I can imagine you're really scared to 'rock the boat' by kicking him out, especially as he has form to be nasty/aggressive...no doubt your mind is playing tricks, wondering what he's capable of and just how nasty he could be.

Honestly, I would phone Womens Aid for advice...then maybe speak to your local police department too and have it recorded that he can be aggressive - I'm not sure whether it's possible to get a restraining order put in place perhaps?

But absolutely, when he's out one day, change the locks, put all his piss'ey goods out on the front garden and make it clear you are done, it is over, he needs to get help and the police will be informed if he is difficult. Maybe 'rock bottom' will make him get the help that he clearly needs, but it's not your problem.

You deserve so much better than this. Anyone does.

Take care of yourself and keep talking to us. I'd also encourage you to speak to people in RL - there's no shame in saying you've had to kick him out because he has a drink problem, was making your life hell and refused to get help.

Be strong - you've got this. x

He’s abusive and disgusting. He can’t even blame the beer if it only takes one drink to turn nasty.

Screw what anyone else thinks - it’s not them who has to step in his piss and be insulted.

Shame him by telling his family exactly what he is like, and what you have to put up with. It's about time he took responsibility for himself and his repulsive behaviour. This is not your problem OP, it's his. Hand it back to him and leave with dignity.

Let me guess you are the one who originally paid for the urine-sodden furnishings, and pay for replacing them.

He is massively disrespectful and abusive.

Pissing Pete needs to go and if anyone asks why just tell them he’s a skank!

Glad to hear you've made progress, OP. If ever you need to sense check yourself, ask why he could control himself to direct his anger selectively rather than indiscriminately to his family?

Finally, if something is normal and you are making a song and dance about it (haven't heard that phrase for a while but it is usually used by someone acting unreasonably who is trying to diminish their unreasonableness), presumably he'd have been happy for you to tell his family or show video about his incontinence and how he attacks you when drunk. I suspect not, though this doesn't always work when some in laws defend their own no matter what.

Good luck.

Just jumping on late to add my support. He is a nasty bully. He should be thrown out immediately. But get some support with that. He will probably try to gaslight you, and maybe even get aggressive.