Conflicted - am I selfish?

[Emerarta]

Currently dating a guy with a disability - he’s in constant pain - takes controlled meds etc plus has severe depression. I dated him previously and it ended badly. He disappeared when I was feeling low myself after I provided physical and emotional support to him for months.

I heard nothing then a few months ago he made contact apologised and said he had been going through a very bad depressive episode etc could we try again.

I gave another chance and honestly nothing has changed, he’s still ruminating on the past, his ex, estrangement from his dc, the pain he’s in etc. We do nothing but watch tv, he clock watches re medication and can hardly find it in himself to shower at times.

I’m feeling down myself - he will say things like ‘can I help’ followed straight away with ‘I’m feeling low myself’ - I’ve tried to discuss it ie constant negativity etc and he’s defensive- ie you are making out I’ve all the problems- I’m afraid if I leave I’ll make him worse but I’m starting to resent him. I feel so selfish. .

Unfortunately you’ve tried ..again and it’s not working. Sadly it’s probably not what he wants but most people would expect a bit of give and take which it doesn’t sound like he’s doing?!

He's a drug addict.

I'm a home carer and the amount of little old ladies drug addicts addicted to their pain relief is shocking - the angst and nasty comments when you arrive a bit late and their medication is therefore a bit late is vile - i know what you mean about him clock watching for medication.

He sounds like he wants a carer to be honest. Does his conversation revolve around him and his health issues? I couldn't be doing with that.

Better to be single, surely.

Thanks for replying- I feel I’m giving he’s taking. He can arrange a holiday with a relative, watch a rugby match on tv etc but can’t go for a meal etc. I feel resentful. Then I feel guilty as he is unwell 😭

Block ... move on 🌸

It's not your fault he's unwell though is it. And there is no cure for depression - all he can do is medicate to numb the feeling.

Stop inviting him round to watch TV. Let him suggest something about going out.

You're only dating him if you actually go out on dates. If you stay at home watching TV how is that dating?

Yes thisis most conversation is around how he feels physically or mentally. Never good! Also with regard to medication- he is militant about taking his meds but will sometimes skip the heavy duty pills ie OxyContin. He claims to hate taking meds but he has to as per docs orders. Came off his anti depressants against gp advice.

It’s more the relentless negativity- nothing happy, no enthusiasm - no food prep - eating whatever is easiest - constant complaints but no action to resolve anything.

I’ve tried suggesting we go out but there’s always an excuse, no money, bad weather, covid restrictions- it’s non stop

There is more to life than this

Being alone means you can actually please yourself and go out and do what you want

This relationship didn’t work, and isn’t going to work.

End it as kindly as you can and block and roll…

Thing is I have depression but I try to eat well exercise and do pro active things to
Help it. I take medication and attend a counsellor- I’m trying!

Am I being selfish- given that I know how depression feels- not to stick with him - it’s the thought of being with him ongoing and him continuing the way he is now which fills me with dread

Oh you have to let him go, and move on.

It's not your job to fix him, and he is not capable of having a balanced relationship at the moment.

Look after yourself first, your health is too precious to be dragged down by him.

Move on and take take of yourself. He is responsible for himself.

Oh and you not selfish AT ALL! This relationship fills you with dread!

I can't think of a worse thing to say about a relationship - you owe him nothing, please leave as soon as possible.

Thanks lucking. I’ve tried and tried- even now when he’s called asking how I am he’s talking about how he feels - it’s never ending.

You've only got one life. It's sad his life is so restricted and he has depression issues, but you don't. Why inflict his trouble on you. You are not his mother or his saviour. You deserve a life not tied down to someone like this. Sorry to be harsh, but he will drag you down

I need to get past the feeling that I’m letting him down- turning my back on someone vulnerable and struggling. I do get how depression can be all consuming but I resent him not trying.

He’s going to be fine, he was fine when you broke up before.

He isn’t there for you, only himself

That’s selfish

Him. Not you.

I think the issue really is why do I find it so difficult to leave a relationship where I’m unhappy- why is guilt holding me there.

Why in the name of God would you waste your life on this man?

I stay. Because he’s struggling- he needs help- and I feel he leaving I’m kicking him when he’s down.

You’re not his mother or his carer. His selfishness is wasting your life. Please put yourself first. You could be so much happier. Don’t you owe it to yourself? You only get one stab at life. Don’t waste it on him.

He doesn’t need help. He knows exactly what he is doing. He’s pulled you in. He wants you to feel sorry for him and stay. Walk away. My best friend sadly is the same addicted to morphine due to disability and to everyone she can do everything, go for meals go on holidays etc the minute she meets a boyfriend she puts on the poor me act and says she can’t do anything. You need to leave it’s very very draining.

When two people get together, they should both feel better. It's a net positive thing. This sounds like you feel worse, your health gets worse, and he doesn't sound as if he gets substantially better. It's a net negative.

You can't support him if you are ground down yourself, even if you wanted to- it's unsustainable.

You must look after yourself.

Draining is exactly the right word. I feel so down and resentful. He contacted me just now and we are arguing- apparently I’m basing my life on my friends lives wanting to go out etc when he can’t afford it etc. It’s pure fantasy on his part

Two people struggling with depression in a relationship is always going to be incredibly hard. Depression can be a very selfish illness - as you've discovered with your partner. He's utterly absorbed in himself, his feelings, his needs.

Honestly? You need to end the relationship. He's simply dragging you down and making life far harder for you. You would be better to focus positively on your own mental health and your own needs. You are aware of this and try - but this relentless negativity from him makes it really tough on you. He's not able to be in a relationship with anyone - he simply wants a carer, not an equal partner - and not a relationship where he has to make an effort and give of himself as well as just taking.