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Original poster

Conflicted - am I selfish?

60 replies

Emerarta · 22/08/2021 15:32

Currently dating a guy with a disability - he’s in constant pain - takes controlled meds etc plus has severe depression. I dated him previously and it ended badly. He disappeared when I was feeling low myself after I provided physical and emotional support to him for months.

I heard nothing then a few months ago he made contact apologised and said he had been going through a very bad depressive episode etc could we try again.

I gave another chance and honestly nothing has changed, he’s still ruminating on the past, his ex, estrangement from his dc, the pain he’s in etc. We do nothing but watch tv, he clock watches re medication and can hardly find it in himself to shower at times.

I’m feeling down myself - he will say things like ‘can I help’ followed straight away with ‘I’m feeling low myself’ - I’ve tried to discuss it ie constant negativity etc and he’s defensive- ie you are making out I’ve all the problems- I’m afraid if I leave I’ll make him worse but I’m starting to resent him. I feel so selfish. Sad.

OP posts:
JudgeRindersMinder · 22/08/2021 18:00

You know the thing about putting on your own oxygen mask before you help others? I think this kind of applies to this situation.
You need to heal before you can think of someone else, and it sounds like you’re working hard to do this.
It’s difficult to be in a relationship with someone with depression-and I say this as the one who’s had the depression.
Being in a relationship with this guy will hold back your own recovery that you’re fighting for.

memberofthewedding · 22/08/2021 18:07

Ive suffered depression intermittently throughout my life and there is no cure. Only you can help yourself in the long run. And you have to want to help yourself for it to work. So long as you have others to lean on and whinge at that is unlikely to happen.

Sounds like you are a bit of an emotional punchbag for this man even though you have issues of your own. Time to move on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/08/2021 18:17

Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this reflects to yourself regarding this man. You have absolutely got to find it within you to end this so called relationship because you’re really getting nothing at all out of it. You cannot either act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship because neither approach works.

QueenBee52 · 22/08/2021 18:20

@Emerarta

I stay. Because he’s struggling- he needs help- and I feel he leaving I’m kicking him when he’s down.

So what are you asking ? if you don't want to leave him then don't ..

aerosocks · 22/08/2021 18:22

He expects you to martyr yourself and devote your life to caring for him.

You don't have to take on that responsibility, and you are not being selfish if you don't want to.

RosiePosieDozy · 22/08/2021 18:23

No, you're not selfish and this isn't a healthy relationship. A relationship shouldn't make you feel drained and you don't seem to get any kind of enjoyment out of it. You need to move on and think of yourself.

user16395699 · 22/08/2021 18:25

We can't say anything different to the last time you were struggling to leave him.

Have you had any therapeutic support since then to explore your codependent behaviour and this need of yours to try and rescue people?

All this situation does is demonstrate why it was right for the relationship to end. It was a mistake to try and resurrect the dead by going back - now it's important that you learn from that mistake by ending things and ceasing communication.

You have to value your own life enough to rescue yourself. We can't do that for you. We can't magic away the difficult emotions, only remind you that all emotions are transient and that you can survive feeling them.

Windmillwhirl · 22/08/2021 18:57

I imagine he would cope far better on his own than you realise. He is so so self-absorbed you don't even get a look in.

If you want to help people, go volunteer as this relationship is only going to keep dragging you down.

Original poster
Emerarta · 22/08/2021 19:21

You are right and I’ve made contact and ended things - it was so difficult though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emerarta · 22/08/2021 19:25

I did have and continue to have counselling- my therapist is very supportive and tells me that I need to be as compassionate to myself as I am to others. I know what it’s like to have low self esteem- depression etc but I agree with poster above you need to want to try to get better. I felt like I was leaving someone emotionally drowning.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 22/08/2021 19:31

@Emerarta

Am I being selfish- given that I know how depression feels- not to stick with him - it’s the thought of being with him ongoing and him continuing the way he is now which fills me with dread
You're allowed to he selfish when it comes to who you have a relationship with! That's the whole point - that it enhances your life. If it doesn't, what is the point? It's not the role of women to provide sex and companionship for dysfunctional men...

Many people have depression. It's their/our responsibility to manage that appropriately (as you are doing). If someone isn't or can't then they are not in the right place to involve another person. A relationship is not a right.

Original poster
Emerarta · 22/08/2021 19:40

grey that’s it exactly- he’s responsible for his own health mental and physical- I suppose it’s because I know how crippling depression can be it made it more difficult to walk away.

OP posts:
blisstwins · 22/08/2021 20:34

You sound empathetic and compassionate. But this relationship doesn’t do much for you.

Original poster
Emerarta · 22/08/2021 20:55

bliss thank you for that - I’m really got nothing from it but frustration in the end. I had to keep biting my tongue to stop myself saying something I’d regret. I get depression I really do but he seemed to be enjoying wallowing. Any conversation about an issue I might be experiencing would always turn swiftly to how bad he was. Selfish and self-absorbed. At least I can take comfort that I tried to help and be as good a partner to him as I could.

OP posts:
evianlion · 23/08/2021 00:03

I felt like I was leaving someone emotionally drowning.

Yes. Yourself.

Well done for ending things. I hope you have closed down any channels of communication to protect yourself from being sucked back in.

Take care of - and be kind to - yourself.

Ilady · 23/08/2021 00:38

Emerarta,
You suffer from depression but you take your tablets, exercise and eat well. Your taking responsibility for your depression and trying hard not to be a drain on the people around you. Meanwhile he was wallowing and telling you how bad he felt. He wanted to go no where or do nothing but he was well enough to do things he liked.
I am sure you gave him several chances to make a few changes but he was unwilling to do these.
You have done the right thing in ending things with him as he would have just dragged you down.
I would block all channels of communication as you don't want him contacting you. Get in contact with your friends or get involved with some new groups. Be kind to yourself and remember you deserve a better man than him.

Original poster
Emerarta · 23/08/2021 07:57

Woke up with a terrible headache - I think it’s stress. I fully expect to hear from him as he left his wallet behind at my house- I’ll put in large envelope and leave on my doorstep when he wants to collect- no interest in seeing him tbh.

I really need to do more work on myself before dating anyone else I think. I shouldn’t have tried again with this guy. The signs were there before. Thanks to all who replied

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Original poster
Emerarta · 23/08/2021 10:25

As predicted he is on asking if I’m at home today as he wants to collect his wallet - very polite in his communication- I responded saying that it would be left in a box on my front doorstep - he’s unbelievably selfish!

OP posts:
MzHz · 23/08/2021 10:55

Good for you. Keep strong

You’ve made the right decision now dont answer the door if he knocks.

Original poster
Emerarta · 23/08/2021 12:49

Thanks Mz I had to go out as it happens so I couldn’t tell if he knocked- he has made contact asking how I am - he can fk right off!

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 23/08/2021 13:10

I had a bad accident last year. I already had medical conditions, but this led to life-changing disability. I have needed to adapt and carry on as others rely on me. I have had many surgeries since the accident and have more coming very soon. I have heard many people being negative in the queues in the clinics, hospitals with various conditions, and also in a support group, and also through friends. I have ditched the support group full of people obsessed by their injuries and conditions, the friends who feel sorry for me and taken an MP3 player to all my appointments and admissions...so I don't have to hear the career-patient types who seem to have become validated and consumed by their conditions. I took up meditation, refused the opiates from my doctor and exercise as much as I can. My injuries hurt...a lot...most doctors don't understand how I remain positive and tolerate this...mental attitude. Life throws many challenges at you, and you either sink or swim under these. I met someone special at the time of my accident and if we had dates in front of the telly, it wouldn't last long. I would not disrespect him by expecting him to adopt a carer role. He never signed up to be anything but my boyfriend. I suggest you have a think if you want to be lumbered with a man who forms his identity around his disability. Life is short and this situation can only get worse in time.

Fustyoldface · 23/08/2021 13:22

He doesn’t sound like he has the reserves of emotional energy for this. I feel for him as someone with health issues, but it’s your life too, be as kind as you can about it and move on, tell some very white lies if you need to

Fustyoldface · 23/08/2021 13:26

Gonna be kind about this as I can reading your last posts… you’re sounding very angry at him about trivial stuff. Of course he would want his wallet. You sound full of resentment but give the guy a break, he can only go off your actions too, you’re still with him and haven’t said you’re leaving. You got with him again knowing he is ill. You are responsible too. Best thing to do is break this off before more resentment builds. Flowers

Takenoprisoner · 23/08/2021 13:32

Oh, now he's interested in how you are? He's worried about losing his free counsellor, more like. Well done for ending things, he'll have to take responsibility for his own mental health and wellbeing now.

Original poster
Emerarta · 23/08/2021 15:21

Actually fustyI have left the relationship- I was more frustrated at the sheer selfishness of him. A disability I can handle it’s the self pity that’s hard to take. That and the lack of care for anyone else. Id no issue with him collecting his wallet but I can guarantee you if the situation were reversed he would have made no effort to ensure I got mine back.

As mentioned I have depression myself - I’m not selfish though. I tried to be kind and encouraging to him but his response was to accept it and then if ever I requested help turn on me to say either he was worse or I shouldn’t be asking!.

OP posts: