Conflicted - am I selfish?

[Emerarta]

Currently dating a guy with a disability - he’s in constant pain - takes controlled meds etc plus has severe depression. I dated him previously and it ended badly. He disappeared when I was feeling low myself after I provided physical and emotional support to him for months.

I heard nothing then a few months ago he made contact apologised and said he had been going through a very bad depressive episode etc could we try again.

I gave another chance and honestly nothing has changed, he’s still ruminating on the past, his ex, estrangement from his dc, the pain he’s in etc. We do nothing but watch tv, he clock watches re medication and can hardly find it in himself to shower at times.

I’m feeling down myself - he will say things like ‘can I help’ followed straight away with ‘I’m feeling low myself’ - I’ve tried to discuss it ie constant negativity etc and he’s defensive- ie you are making out I’ve all the problems- I’m afraid if I leave I’ll make him worse but I’m starting to resent him. I feel so selfish. .

@Emerarta

Thanks Mz I had to go out as it happens so I couldn’t tell if he knocked- he has made contact asking how I am - he can fk right off!

Well done!! That can’t have been easy, but you had to do this.

In a few days you’ll feel more free, please keep posting if it helps you feel better, if you need somewhere to vent to?

Mz thanks. It’s so difficult but I just keep remembering how he behaved. There’s no excuse for it. I feel used by him. I get the depression- I’m depressed now. I won’t be taking it out on anyone else though.

Exactly

I had depression a long time ago, serious stuff, pretty close call, but I survived and I’m still here and happy. Truly content- I wish this for you too!

Not once did I turn on anyone and I don’t know anyone else who’s had depression and behaved as your ex did.

You’re the important one here. Lean away if it helps you. We’ve got you :)

Mz thanks so much for your kind words. I get waves of frustration - mostly at myself. I feel sorry for him - not for the reasons he’d like me to but because he has given up on life. He chooses to be powerless.

I need to look at why I didn’t leave earlier though. I feel like I allowed my kindness to be exploited. I don’t want to change but I need to learn to protect myself better.

Learning to protect yourself and to value yourself enough to do so necessitates change. Quite substantial change. But good change.

If you mean that you don't want to change to no longer be "kind" by having boundaries that you protect, I would say that mindset of viewing codependency and passivity as "kindness" is a big part of the reason you weren't able to leave him sooner or protect yourself effectively. So it needs to change.

evian thanks for your response. I’m aware of the difference between kindness and passivity etc, I tend to see the best in people and to give more chances than I should. I think I need to learn not to be as forgiving.

I need to look at why I didn’t leave earlier though. I feel like I allowed my kindness to be exploited. I don’t want to change but I need to learn to protect myself better.

Oh love… I’ve been there too and waaaaaay longer, I completely get the anger at oneself for not leaving sooner, I’ve kicked myself over and over.

But what does that achieve? Nothing!

What you get from this exercise is to look forward, you won’t make this mistake again, you’ll see the patterns and you’ll recognise the signs.

You are a kind, generous and optimistic person. Think about that! You see the best in everything and everyone.

Sadly that can attract those who’ll drain us. So protect your optimism, defend your generosity and give it to those who add the same to your life as you do to them

You need to do whatever it takes to be your own best friend. You’re amazing, that shines through in your posts, so please believe this in yourself and allow yourself to accept that you saw something was wrong, you gave it a chance to resolve itself, it didn’t, you called time.

You’re his personal audience. That’s all.

Thanks for responding mz and thesand. I Still feel bad about leaving but I think that will ease with time.

Life is difficult for lots of people at the minute. I feel frightened when I think of how it must be in his head, dark, depressed, stuck and hopeless. Only he can fix that though.

Today I did loads of stuff/chores as well as some shopping. I purchased some lovely bath oil and wine and a new book. Sushi for dinner. I’ve written a list of what I want to find in a partner and it’s clarified a few things for me. Definitely work needs doing on myself but I’m happy to do it. At least I should see some reward for my efforts.