I don’t want to carry on

[Settal]

Im 36 on Wednesday. In a relationship of 8 months that I was happy in, both said we love each other. But it’s not going anywhere , I’m not even sure he’s remembered it’s my birthday. He’s a couple of years older and while we have spoken about wanting a family and settling down, he’s rarely desperate to see me or eager to book a mini break etc. I just know it’s not going anywhere and basically it’s another heartbreak coming up that I know I need to deal with I just can’t this second. I thought it was it with him.

I’ve had enough. I’ve dated and had relationships and for one reason or another they’ve not worked out. I’ve watched my siblings get marrie and have kids (I’m older). I’ve done most things alone and I have a nice home, lovely friends but nobody to share my life with.

I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t want to carry on my lonely life. I’ve been positive and energetic and hopeful for so long and now I have nothing left

OP, it sounds like the heartbreak you are scared of happening, is already happening. You are wise to question this relationship. Trust yourself and your instincts and judgment. Many women would push through and start a family even though they know it’s wrong - that will lead to much more heartbreak longer down the line. If having children is important to you, you need to have an honest discussion with this man - will it ever happen? You don’t have all the time in the world. He seems selfish and disinterested. There are other ways of having children. I have two friends who’ve had babies on their own and started that journey at 34 and 37. Good luck

I’m just so sad @minniemouseshouses

He says he wants these things but we are too early in the relationship for them. I get that. But it’s less about that and more about the overall feeling of hopefulness. I’ve had relationships and things haven’t been the right time etc. It all feels so unfair. I am so unhappy and know this relationship is basically over, he’s not that bothered so I need to move on. I don’t think I can cope with more loneliness and I just don’t want to be here anymore

Trust me when I say the constant worry about doing it is actually far worse than doing it.

Get out before you spend so long ignoring/quashing your feelings that you forget how to feel anything at all.

Better to get out whike you are still talking tbh

Sorry op. I think you're right to get out now.

Like a pp, I also know women who have had babies on their own. It obviously isn't something everyone would choose, but it looks a lot better to me than the women in poor relationships, clinging on because they want to have children.

Good luck

I just don’t want to be here anymore. Nothing ever works out and I’ve no positivity or hope left anymore. Single at 36, everyone is settled apart from me

That's terrible you feel like that op! I can assure you that at 36 everyone is NOT settled. Those who are might be divorced in a few years. It isn't the fairy tale ending just because someone gets married or moves in with their dp. Sometimes people are in relationships and then they aren't. It isn't a done deal once they are "settled"

Do you have anyone to talk to irl ?

You need to get some support lovely if you are feeling like life itself is getting too much.
So sorry you feel so alone and down but you never know what lies in store for you so don't give up hope please. X

I am close to your age OP and also single after a long, childless and horrible marriage. The majority of my friends are single and around your age. Lots of women go through this. You are not alone. You need to work out how YOU can be happy - and find that in yourself. I find being single extremely freeing and hopeful. It sounds like you’ve got a lot going for you. Stay strong

I hope you are OK OP. My partner of 4 years rented a house behind my back 2 weeks ago and just like that moved out. I am truly heartbroken. I feel like going to bed and never getting up. I know that feeling. I just went for a run to try to calm down. The anxiety and loneliness is killing me. Just wanted to send you hugs

My friend aged 45 has had two babies by sperm donor and is very very happy.
I live alone in my lovely house at 60, I have a career I love and was myself a single parent. I have a great relationship with my adult son and DiL. men have always been a huge dispointment so I don't bother any more.
Men will never make you happy. They don't know how. You have to take control of your own life, decide if you want a child alone and stop waiting for a prince. There is life outside of relationships.

set I'm.40 and fairly recently single.

Its not the end of the world. Staying in a relationship because you don't feel important unless you have someone is not healthy and merely increases your chances if being in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship with the potential of alot of advantage taken.

Do you have anyone you can talk to IRL? I think you need ti talk to someone and seek some help in working on yourself a bit. You are worth more than this. You are not the sum.total of who you date.

Sorry @CrimeJunkie01 xxx hope you’re ok

I know it sounds pathetic but i honestly would choose death right now if I wasn’t so scared of taking my life. I’ve had and done all the things I wanted, have lots of money and a nice home, lots of experiences…Im totally broken that I have nobody to share it with. I hate my life so much. No hobby or exercise or long evening in the bath will fix this. I just want to disappear

Those saying they live alone or are single, it’s the idea I will never have a family unit. I don’t want sperm donation, I’m not saying people shouldn’t but it’s not what I want. All I ever wanted was to turn the key to a home that wasn’t just mine. I feel sick and sad all the time. I’ve worked hard in my life and always hoped I would be able to share the rewards with someone. It’s so so so lonely

Op you sound depressed. Can you speak to your GP and there are also groups like the Samaritans. Have you got people around you that you can speak honestly with?
I met my dh OLD when I was 38. All my friends were settled with families. I was giving up hope and panicking and then I met him. I’m pregnant with baby 2 currently at 41.
I do think it’s important to have a plan B if life doesn’t work out though, it did calm me down looking at egg freezing etc. I know sperm donation isn’t for you.
Perhaps a talk and check up will reassure you on your fertility.
There are plenty of women on here that met partners very late and have the families you desire.
First step is to get rid of this guy, he sounds flaky and you have to push yourself back out there

@Settal it is good that you are recognising what you want and need. It's the first step to getting it.

Have you tried having therapy? It may help you. If you honestly feel desperate then call samaritans. Sometimes talking really helps. Personally I find writing helpful too.

You are not too old to find the right person.

@Queenofsupreme I know its over with him. It won’t be difficult to end, if I don’t suggest meeting then he won’t for weeks. I thought he was my one when I met him.

It’s less about him though now, I know this over. It’s more Just the fact I am tired. So tired of dating, of celebrating others’ families, of waking up alone, shopping and cooking alone, of endlessly trying to fill my time to avoid the horrible empty feeling taking over of such deep loneliness. I’ve seen friends most of the weekend, I still go home alone and cry most nights. How can I face years more of this. I don’t think I can

You still have time to find those things. I know you're feeling incredibly low right now, but you're 36, not 46, you still have time in your fertility window. And even if you miss your chance to have children, you could still meet someone special.

Speak to your gp. speak to the Samaritans, keep going.

It feels so hard and so hopeless @category12

I treated it as a job that I had to do. A date each week, even when I didn’t want to. It is exhausting, a chore sometimes but when I classed it in my head like a job I had to do it really helped. I was militant and it is a numbers game, eventually you wade through the bad ones and find a good one.
I get the exhaustion of it all, I really do. For me dh was around the corner and if I’d given up I’d never have met him.
You probably need a break for a bit and try to do things to boost your mind. It’s been tough in covid, especially when living alone.
You sound lovely and you will get there. Please look into medication and/or counselling

I think sometimes you actually feel loneliest in a relationship that is going nowhere.
I say this with kindness, you are expecting way too much in terms of happiness by pegging it on being dependent on another person. It's a popular myth that happiness=coupled up. It really doesn't have to be that way. Often isn't.
Stop looking at other people. They may be in unhappy relationships and looking at you with envy too.
Make peace with yourself. If you really are feeling that life's not worth living please speak to someone in real life and get some support

I know it's not at all the same, but do you have pets at all? If not, having one might help a little - something that depends on you and loves you, something to come home to and give some form of company?

@Beamur I’m not sure that I expect constant happiness from a relationship I just want not to be alone. I know it’s for me ensure I am happy and nobody else. But I am lonely and desperately want to share my life with someone. Not every little last moment but things like having dinner or going to the cinema. Someone to say goodnight to. Just these small moments really.

I really don’t expect a relationship to mean happiness in entirety and all the time. I’ve worked hard to have a nice home and decent pay, yet it means nothing because I don’t have anyone to share that with, for them to enjoy all that too. I just never thought it would be alone like this at 36.

@Settal I’m with you..I feel exactly her same.
My partner of 5yrs has decided us living together can’t happen. It’s dreadful and all those visions I had of us together are shot to pieces. Broaching it has yet again ended in him sulking. I’m not worth the effort and that hurts.
It’s a day by day step I’m afraid.
When did you last speak to your partner?

Hi Settal,

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling so low.

Please contact the Samaritans, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide.
Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, if you are really struggling it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus
Gov.UK: Find out what support you can get if you’re affected by coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline

Very best wishes from MNHQ - we hope things look a lot brighter for you soon

[quote Settal]@Beamur I’m not sure that I expect constant happiness from a relationship I just want not to be alone. I know it’s for me ensure I am happy and nobody else. But I am lonely and desperately want to share my life with someone. Not every little last moment but things like having dinner or going to the cinema. Someone to say goodnight to. Just these small moments really.

I really don’t expect a relationship to mean happiness in entirety and all the time. I’ve worked hard to have a nice home and decent pay, yet it means nothing because I don’t have anyone to share that with, for them to enjoy all that too. I just never thought it would be alone like this at 36.[/quote]
I honestly know how you feel. I was in a similar place to you, and I just wanted to be happy in a relationship, to be an us instead of a me. All I heard was, "it'll happen when you're least expecting it" I didn't believe a word of it, and pretty much decided I was done. I just wanted to be alone and I was deeply unhappy.

At 36, I'd just split up with my ex, had moved back to my parents and was doing a job I hated.

I met DH at 37, engaged at 39, married at 40, and had our baby at 41. It can and does happen, please don't give up on your dream