I don’t want to carry on

[Settal]

Im 36 on Wednesday. In a relationship of 8 months that I was happy in, both said we love each other. But it’s not going anywhere , I’m not even sure he’s remembered it’s my birthday. He’s a couple of years older and while we have spoken about wanting a family and settling down, he’s rarely desperate to see me or eager to book a mini break etc. I just know it’s not going anywhere and basically it’s another heartbreak coming up that I know I need to deal with I just can’t this second. I thought it was it with him.

I’ve had enough. I’ve dated and had relationships and for one reason or another they’ve not worked out. I’ve watched my siblings get marrie and have kids (I’m older). I’ve done most things alone and I have a nice home, lovely friends but nobody to share my life with.

I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t want to carry on my lonely life. I’ve been positive and energetic and hopeful for so long and now I have nothing left

Thanks @lachy it is nice to hear things like that and I’m a glad that you found what you were looking for!

I feel so so lost of all hope. I feel physically sick most nights and wake up in the early hours panicking and just feeling dread about having to carry on. I’ve had therapy and tried everything that is suggested. I have a full life really, nothing is missing I don’t think, I just have this gaping hole that I can’t fill at all. I long to share my life, I don’t expect it to be perfect or fun or enjoyable every day, but it wouldn’t be lonely. I feel like i can’t go on feeling like this and even if I call Samaritans or go back to speak to someone or go on medication, the feeling of longing and loneliness never goes. I am so sad. Everything feels bleak and I wish I had settled down a long time ago

Hi OP, there are quite a lot of threads on here from people who have met partners and had families later in life - they might give you some hope and comfort to read. Here's one www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3509857-Were-you-37-and-single-but-ended-up-with-a-family

I met my partner aged 36 having only ever had one relationship in my 20s and was pregnant within a year. I know others who met partners aged 38, 39 and had babies. It does happen a lot. I really hope you can talk to someone who can help you through your despair x

Thank you @mswales

I am struggling so much today. I don’t know how I will face work tomorrow. I want to disappear. I guess I feel that if I’ve not met someone so far (and I’ve tried to find a lasting relationship), then why would it ever happen. I feel like I’m destined for loneliness

Hi Settal, I just wanted to focus back onto your original post. You are writing off your relationship it seems. 8 months is a fairly short time in a relationship. Have you had chats about what you want from him and more interaction? I am trying to refocus your attention away from catastrophising this and focusing on how to better this relationship for you to succeed. You say you love each other, that’s a huge step in any coupling. Can you just have a serious chat with him about expectations and what you need and want right now? Love is a very rare thing, you are writing him off I think too soon. Your anxiety around what other people are doing and your timeline not matching. To heck with other people, focus on who you have right in front of you and seek to move it on. Try and get some support around your feelings of devastation. You will succeed and be happy, it might not be the fairy tale ending we are all fed as little girls but you are a successful and strong woman and will come through this x

Ah Settal, I wish I had a magic wand for you.
You sound like you have so much to offer. I do hope that you find what you need

Op, I know that you've mentioned you don't want to have a child via a sperm donor, so for clarification, are you saying that having a family/child(ren) is exclusively dependent on being in a relationship? Are you sure as sure one can be that you won't feel regretful on missing out on motherhood/parenting/having a family because you aren't with a man? You absolutely can have your own family unit but you'd need to reframe how you go about it in your mind.

There is this notion that everyone will find someone, and it's just not true. Many people don't, some settle as time is running out and they don't want to miss out, and some do find true happiness/suitable partners. In my opinion, meeting someone isn't a question of dating more, meeting a suitable partner is luck and timing, there is no formula to it.

I was like you, bereft, anxious, tired, exhausted by relationships breaking down (including a marriage) and this rigmarole of dating like mad continued in to my 38th birthday. I then decided to get off the dating treadmill (I'd broken up with someone who I loved and was on/off with for 2 years) so that I can focus on doing it alone. To cut a long story short, I'm now 39 and 23 weeks pregnant, via a sperm donor, I'm very very fortunate and really happy. I will get my family unit. No, it's not via a conventional route but I wasn't prepared to settle or worse miss out on being a mother all because I didn't meet the right person (due to no fault of my own), plus I was so emotionally bankrupt by the end of it all, I probably would have been a nightmare as a partner. You can always meet someone technically, but fertility is finite and you don't know how long it'll take you to conceive until you start trying, and this applies to whether you're doing it alone or with someone.

Relationships can be wonderful, but you must regain agency and a hold on your feelings. It's really disappointing and sad when a much promising relationship breaks down, but as long as your perception of family remains firmly fixed on having a partnership, you may have to endure more dating (and possibly more disappointments) and come to terms with not having a family potentially because if not finding a suitable partner.

There's lots of good advice here, @Settal:

Men will never make you happy. They don't know how. You have to take control of your own life, decide if you want a child alone and stop waiting for a prince. There is life outside of relationships.

Staying in a relationship because you don't feel important unless you have someone is not healthy.

you are expecting way too much in terms of happiness by pegging it on being dependent on another person.

Lots of women go through this. You are not alone. You need to work out how YOU can be happy - and find that in yourself. I find being single extremely freeing and hopeful. It sounds like you’ve got a lot going for you. Stay strong.

Life - living - can be difficult, in many ways. I'm almost twice your age and, believe me, 'the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' will hit everyone at some point. Everyone will find themselves at some point in their lives where they feel desperately alone. Either because they are truly alone, or because their pivotal relationship is inadequate and leaving them lonelier than if they were really alone.

There is no easy or straightforward solution to what you are facing. You've only known him for 8 months, which may seem early days, but if you are sensing a lack of connection..... it is what it is. If you have any sense of him just being unable to get his head straight (aka as unable to shit or get off the pot...), then have THE conversation. Do it when you are feeling strong and in control, and walk away with your head held high if his response is "sorry, but no".

And when you're at your lowest, remember you are strong, you can pick yourself up, you are still young, you will plough your own furrow, you don't need to take shit from anyone.