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Original poster

BF has kids and I don’t know what to do

80 replies

Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 16:41

I met my boyfriend after the break down of my abusive marriage and he is everything I could ever want in a partner, gentle and kind and an amazing dad to his kids.
I’m 35, always wanted kids, and I see myself spending my life with this man. We’ve only been dating 8 months but the feeling is mutual. I fully embrace his kids (altho I haven’t met them - due to respecting his ex’s wishes - this will come in the future), I already love them because they are part of him.
Anyway, I really would love to have kids of my own one day, I just don’t know how to outright ask if he wants more kids in the future. I would think he knows I do… because I haven’t been shy about what I want, but I’m also aware of my age and the fact he already had two. I guess I’m scared to ask because he is everything I want.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I bring this up in the right way? I don’t want them right now, we are early days, but I do want them in the future and I know it isn’t guaranteed no matter who I’m with… any thoughts at all on this would be helpful.

OP posts:
FeatheredHope · 21/08/2021 16:44

The fact that you have been together 8 months and not only haven’t already had this conversation let alone don’t know how to have this conversation is very strange to me.

NotaCoolMum · 21/08/2021 16:45

I’d just ask. If you say you both feel so strongly about each other than you should be able to ask directly without making him run a mile! 😍

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2021 16:46

You need to discuss this with him as soon as possible. Sorry to be blunt, but you do not have the luxury of wasting time if you want your own children.

Bananarama21 · 21/08/2021 16:47

How can you love your dp kids when you never met them. I think your in for a massive shock when you just read the step parenting board.

SimonJT · 21/08/2021 16:47

I already love them because they are part of him.

Well that is fairly insane, if my husband had said that eight months in I would have left him fairly quickly.

Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 21/08/2021 16:48

How can you love someone you haven't met? Confused

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2021 16:50

I fully embrace his kids (altho I haven’t met them - due to respecting his ex’s wishes - this will come in the future), I already love them because they are part of him.

Whoa... hold on. I just went back and reread this. Op, this is just delusional, I'm sorry. You don't even know these children and you've never even seen your boyfriend interact with them. Oh dear. This isn't a healthy or realistic mindset at all.

Notaroadrunner · 21/08/2021 16:53

@Bananarama21

How can you love your dp kids when you never met them. I think your in for a massive shock when you just read the step parenting board.
Agreed. You cannot love them simply because they are his. They could be a bloody nightmare when you're introduced. Take off your rose tinted glasses and educate yourself on the reality of navigating such a relationship. As for wanting to know if he plans on having any more - just ask him.
Original poster
Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 16:53

@Aquamarine1029

You need to discuss this with him as soon as possible. Sorry to be blunt, but you do not have the luxury of wasting time if you want your own children.
I do know that time is not on my side, I just don’t fully know what I’d do with the information I suppose that’s why I haven’t asked, I’m scared to hear the wrong answer. So I leave the perfect man to gamble meeting someone suitable to have kids with in time (odds are unlikely)… if he said he didn’t want any more of course, I mean.

I don’t know, I’ve been caught up in the love after years in an a suite marriage and finally be treated right and cared for… that I’ve pushed this conversation down. I’ve expressed I’d like kids in little ways, not directly, and he hasn’t flinched, but he’s also never actively said he would like more.

He’s kind and gentle and asking him isn’t an issue, I guess I’m just scared I’ll get the wrong answer and the decisions I’ll then have to make.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 16:54

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

How can you love someone you haven't met? Confused
I haven’t met his kids, I’ve met him. I mean I care about them as an extension of him, I don’t think that’s odd to be honest.
OP posts:
PalmarisLongus · 21/08/2021 16:57

You are setting yourself up for a possible big fall op. You need to take kids down fro the pedestal you have appointed them and realise that kids can be arsehole and nothing like their dad.

There are topics here all the time about step parenting. Go read then, they may give a bit of a reality check.

Original poster
Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 16:57

@Aquamarine1029

I fully embrace his kids (altho I haven’t met them - due to respecting his ex’s wishes - this will come in the future), I already love them because they are part of him.

Whoa... hold on. I just went back and reread this. Op, this is just delusional, I'm sorry. You don't even know these children and you've never even seen your boyfriend interact with them. Oh dear. This isn't a healthy or realistic mindset at all.

Ok wow, the fact I care about his kids is not the point, but isn’t it fun when people focus on the wrong thing. It’s not delusional to care about little people that are important to someone you love. Maybe “love” was the wrong word, but I certainly care about their little lives and want to welcome them into mine when the time is right, the good bad and ugly. I’m not delusional, I’m perfectly aware the it isn’t a fairytale. I grew up as that child in a split marriage.
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 21/08/2021 16:57

@Bananarama21

How can you love your dp kids when you never met them. I think your in for a massive shock when you just read the step parenting board.
^^this in spades plus if his ex finds out your talking like that already she will think your a nut
Theunamedcat · 21/08/2021 16:58

Little lives?

Original poster
Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 16:59

@PalmarisLongus

You are setting yourself up for a possible big fall op. You need to take kids down fro the pedestal you have appointed them and realise that kids can be arsehole and nothing like their dad.

There are topics here all the time about step parenting. Go read then, they may give a bit of a reality check.

His kids aren’t the point here, his kids are pet of his package and I accept that… the point of this post was advice / having a chat with people who may have been in a simile position at my age. But so far I wish I hadn’t bothered, everyone is taking it very personally that I dare care about his kids that I haven’t met (I don’t really care for peoples opinion on this as it is from a good place on my part).
OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 17:00

Ok, well I am far from “a nut”.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2021 17:02

You don't have kids so you don't know how odd it is to say you love someone's kids you don't know.

Being a stepparent is really hard and love isn't what gets you through. Really good boundaries and communication do. Which is why people are focusing on the strange boundaries and lack of communication.

Talk to him.

Original poster
Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 17:06

I understand that, I probably misused the word love, I certainly care for them, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I am not trying to live in a fairytale. I’m fully aware of what could be the reality. Doesn’t mean I don’t currently care for them, nor do I think that’s odd.

OP posts:
Gimlisaxe · 21/08/2021 17:06

His kids are very much the point, the chances are having gone through it already he might not want more.

You say you can about them as they are an extension of him, they are really not, they are their own individual selves and to be honest, they might not like you and if so he might have to make a choice.

I would ask him and then keep seeing him if you get the answer you want, but be aware that if he is a decent parent, he will always pick his kids over you

PalmarisLongus · 21/08/2021 17:06

If my ex met someone and that so done claimed to love daughter before meeting her, I'd be very very very wary of this person.

You may not 'be a nut' but I think you are misleading yourself massively.

heyday · 21/08/2021 17:08

I'm not sure how many children he has but you need to think about his financial responsibility to them probably for many years to come. This will have a serious impact on the time, energy and financial contribution he may be able to make to any future child you both may have. I really think you need to have an honest conversation with him about your desire for children in the not too distant future. Please be aware of just how hard it can be to try to navigate life with step children, their mother and your own children.

Original poster
Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 17:08

Of course his kids are the point, the main priority, as all kids should be, but I’m sorry they weren’t the main point of this post.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 21/08/2021 17:09

You accept the 'package' but you don't know the 'package'. You don't know how DP is as a father if you haven't seen him parenting, you haven't met the kids, you have been sheltered from the reality of his situation... unless he is the type of dad who has his kids once or twice a month and calls it parenting.

Also, at your age it's surprising it hasn't come up already.. whether he'd be open to having more children is crucial to you wanting to establish a relationship with him. 8months wasted if he doesn't want what the future you want. You need a very open / honest conversation pronto. You can put it to him really simply.

Original poster
Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 17:10

@PalmarisLongus

If my ex met someone and that so done claimed to love daughter before meeting her, I'd be very very very wary of this person.

You may not 'be a nut' but I think you are misleading yourself massively.

We’ll rest assured I was using that term here in what I thought was a safe place to be open. I’m not running down the street proclaiming my love for my partners children. This is an online forum, it’s not the real world. I’m not a nut or a danger, it was a statement that came from a good place.
OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 17:12

@BrilliantBetty

You accept the 'package' but you don't know the 'package'. You don't know how DP is as a father if you haven't seen him parenting, you haven't met the kids, you have been sheltered from the reality of his situation... unless he is the type of dad who has his kids once or twice a month and calls it parenting.

Also, at your age it's surprising it hasn't come up already.. whether he'd be open to having more children is crucial to you wanting to establish a relationship with him. 8months wasted if he doesn't want what the future you want. You need a very open / honest conversation pronto. You can put it to him really simply.

No he has shared custody. My ideals as a step parent aren’t the point either. Nor is his parenting.

It would never be a waste because if nothing else he’s shown me how I should be treated and what love actually looks like.

OP posts: