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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF has kids and I don’t know what to do

80 replies

Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 16:41

I met my boyfriend after the break down of my abusive marriage and he is everything I could ever want in a partner, gentle and kind and an amazing dad to his kids.
I’m 35, always wanted kids, and I see myself spending my life with this man. We’ve only been dating 8 months but the feeling is mutual. I fully embrace his kids (altho I haven’t met them - due to respecting his ex’s wishes - this will come in the future), I already love them because they are part of him.
Anyway, I really would love to have kids of my own one day, I just don’t know how to outright ask if he wants more kids in the future. I would think he knows I do… because I haven’t been shy about what I want, but I’m also aware of my age and the fact he already had two. I guess I’m scared to ask because he is everything I want.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I bring this up in the right way? I don’t want them right now, we are early days, but I do want them in the future and I know it isn’t guaranteed no matter who I’m with… any thoughts at all on this would be helpful.

OP posts:

GinIronic · 21/08/2021 17:12

Ask him if you have a future together and if so - does he want more children - with you. If he says no, you will know where you stand.

c24680 · 21/08/2021 17:13

Wow, can't believe the comments!

I would just ask him outright so you can decide whether or not to continue the relationship. Unfortunately time isn't on your side with this so I'd do it sooner rather than later.

Original poster

Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 17:15

@c24680

Wow, can't believe the comments!

I would just ask him outright so you can decide whether or not to continue the relationship. Unfortunately time isn't on your side with this so I'd do it sooner rather than later.

Neither can I to be honest… people have really gotten offended. Thanks you, I know you are right and I know the conversation needs to be had. I guess I just wanted a place to vent / get advice. Of course I know I need to speak to him, there’s no other way around it.

OP posts:

Lumpwoody · 21/08/2021 17:15

How can you love and care for children you haven’t met?

Slow down. You need to see how he parents his existing children and also consider that they could be living with you and he at some point full time in a heart beat and he might not want more children to parent.

SarahDarah · 21/08/2021 17:19

@Bananarama21

How can you love your dp kids when you never met them. I think your in for a massive shock when you just read the step parenting board.

This.

To be honest the whole post is a bit strange. It's like the OP is in love with the idea of him rather than this guy himself. As a dad, she's not seen that whole side of him nor the reality of his kids taking precedence over her (if he's a good dad), and the pressure that would put on any relationship

If you've been with someone a whole 8 months then why would you be scared bringing up a dealbreaker issue that if not clarified, could mean youve been wasting all your time and feeling on someone who may legitimately turn round and say he doesn't want anymore kids. Why let yourself get attached to someone who may easily turn out not to work out .

Also OP beware of men who secretly string along women knowing they don't truly want more kids but say they'll think about it in the "future". You need to be proactive and clear with this boyfriend what YOUR timeline to have kids is because it's YOU who will miss out on having them, not him. And be clear you're prepared to walk away if he's not on the same timeline. Don't just passively sit there like a submissive girl.

Original poster

Littlemallow · 21/08/2021 17:22

Hahaha I’m out, the responses are actually insane.

OP posts:

Dontbeme · 21/08/2021 17:26

Eight months in and with shared custody, you haven't met his DC yet, that is a fairly big piece of his life that you have no insight to. To be honest OP as your last relationship was abusive I would be concerned that you would see the bare minimum level of kindness (not being abusive) as being the most amazing thing ever, never had anyone loved another like this before. Did you do the freedom program or have any kind of counselling after the end of your marriage, I just think you need to be a bit careful with your heart here.

diamondpony80 · 21/08/2021 17:27

@Littlemallow

Hahaha I’m out, the responses are actually insane.

I thought you got some good and sensible advice.

SerenShine · 21/08/2021 17:27

There are some very typical MN repsonses here.

Regardless of what you say/feel about his kids, I think just bite the bullet and ask him outright as that's something you want in the future. Good luck.

litterbird · 21/08/2021 17:27

As the other poster said, you need a concrete conversation about children soon. Don’t wimp away if he says “mmmmm maybe, perhaps in a few years, possibly etc etc”, that’s normally them saying no, not really but I like you sticking around for now so will give you this breadcrumb. Your fear of rejection is going to be your Achilles heel. Don’t let that weaken your position, go in with strength and what you REALLY want not some wishy washy chat. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Ask him now or tonight.

GullyGull · 21/08/2021 17:32

What if the kids don't like you? or don't welcome a new baby into the mix and it all kicks off leaving your partner to choose between you and them?

You need to go into this with a better grip on reality or you're going to get your arse handed to you. You previous experience as a step child means nothing, you're on the other side of the fence now.

AgentJohnson · 21/08/2021 17:34

There’s so much that doesn’t add up here. Loving kids you haven’t met before is ridiculous, you like the idea of them. Loving them for the individuals they are, instead of the extension of a man you’ve known for 8 months, are two very different things.

You won’t know if you’re compatible when it comes to children, until you meet his kids and until you talk about your desire to have some of your own. At the moment OP, the honeymoon period is talking.

Did you get, or are receiving counselling for your past abusive relationship? It is not uncommon for women to get completely carried away in the first relationship after an abusive one.

Lumpwoody · 21/08/2021 17:36

His kids aren’t part of him you know. They’re their own individual personalities and people.

Pebbledashery · 21/08/2021 17:43

Op you need to just ask him outright. With respect, the biological clock is ticking and you can't afford to be with a time waster who has no intention of having further kids. He owes you a straight answer.
With respect to his kids.. You're setting yourself up for a fall.. How do you know his kids will embrace you with open arms.. Don't go in with a single expectation and throw the L word about with regards to them.. Otherwise I guarantee you'll be on the step parenting board in a year complaining. You're owed an honest answer from your current partner. Just ask him out right. No need to tip toe around the subject.

Hypnoshiding · 21/08/2021 17:44

We’ve only been dating 8 months but the feeling is mutual. I fully embrace his kids (altho I haven’t met them - due to respecting his ex’s wishes - this will come in the future), I already love them because they are part of him.

This is so wrong. Its actually really uncomfortable to read.

The children are people in their own right. You do not love them, because you love him.

Children aren't mini copies of their parents. Have you ever met someone and they are lovely, then met their sibling and their so long is a dick.

Ever met a grown up who is a dick, whose parents seem lovely. Or someone lovely whose parents are dicks?

The fact that you are so unrealistic about this, suggests you have no idea what blending a family is like.

And of you can't have the 'do you want more kids' conversation, it's not the amazing relationship, you think it is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2021 17:52

It’s not up to his ex when he introduces them to you. She doesn’t get a say or a veto and 8 months in is a perfectly normal and reasonable time for it to happen.

That he’s giving her this much say in his life suggests a lack of healthy boundaries in how they coparent and the last thing you want is to bring a baby into a dynamic like that.

You might not like the replies you’ve had but you’d be wise to listen to them all the same. Several come from experienced step parents who’ve walked this road before you.

FeatheredHope · 21/08/2021 17:53

My ideals as a step parent aren’t the point either. Nor is his parenting.
Actually they really are if you’re talking about ANY kind of future together. Especially if you want kids as well.
The fact you can’t see any of that is so worrying.

I get that this is a nice guys, but by your own admission you’ve jumped straight from an abusive marriage into this relationship. I’m not saying it can’t work out, but you need to be very careful to make sure you’re not getting carried away with it just because it isn’t the hell you were in previously.

jimmyjammy001 · 21/08/2021 17:56

Everyone is going on about and focusing on the kids part because you haven't met them and are saying that they come with him as a package and will accept them regardless, everyone is speaking from experience, step children in a relationship are a nightmare and most would not go through the hassle/dramas/problems/restrictions that they bring to a relationship again, you don't seem to recognise this which is why everyone is trying to give you friendly advice.

TinToms · 21/08/2021 18:13

These responses are insane. If she hadn’t emphasised the importance of the children then you’d have all jumped down her throat saying ERM WHAT ABOUT HIS EXISTING CHILDREN. Honestly chill out… she’s clearly thoughtful

GullyGull · 21/08/2021 18:14

I don't think the OP will come back again. It's a shame as she needs to understand the reality of what she is embarking on and temper her expectations accordingly. The only thing insane on this thread is sticking your fingers in your ears and going 'la,la,la' that's the quickest route to wasting your fertile years in a situation that may not work out.

GullyGull · 21/08/2021 18:15

Tin she's not thoughtful, she's glossing over some very important points to jump straight to the end goal.

Pebbledashery · 21/08/2021 18:25

The comments are coming from experienced step parents though.. Not a group of screaming banshees who have just jumped up and down on the mention of his kids. I've been a childless step parent before and it's bloody hard!

SarahDarah · 21/08/2021 18:54

@Hypnoshiding

This is so wrong. Its actually really uncomfortable to read.

The children are people in their own right. You do not love them, because you love him.

Children aren't mini copies of their parents. Have you ever met someone and they are lovely, then met their sibling and their so long is a dick.

Ever met a grown up who is a dick, whose parents seem lovely. Or someone lovely whose parents are dicks?

The fact that you are so unrealistic about this, suggests you have no idea what blending a family is like.

And of you can't have the 'do you want more kids' conversation, it's not the amazing relationship, you think it is.

This. It says it all that the OP waltzed off after hearing some home truths. I have a hard time believing she's apparently 35 years old. If her age is true then it's quite scary! She talks like a 17 yo with no real grip of adult reality.

To be honest, this delay to having kids is a blessing in disguise. Best for her to remove her focus from having children and instead take a step back and focus on how to have a healthy relationship with adult communication and understanding of real life. The stability of the children's parents is paramount for the child's happiness since theit parents' relationship is their foundation. Since the OP has had past history of abusive relationships, she's high risk for entering into another one again or not standing up for herself as she should. Best to avoid bring an innocent child into unhealthy relationship dynamics and focus on therapy and healing first and foremost.

PalmarisLongus · 21/08/2021 19:22

I fear OP may be of the sort that 'Knows it all without knowing at all' and in 6 months she'll be pregnant and on the step parenting board telling everyone she can't handle his kids and how he parents... And every reply to her will be,
"Why didn't you meet his kids before getting pregnant?"
Or,
"If you knew he was a shit parent why did you have kids with him?"

Believe it or not, I wish the OP all the luck in the world. Step parenting is bloody hard and can make a relationship but it can very easily break a relationship.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/08/2021 19:30

Thing is OP, sometimes if lots of different people are all saying the same thing to you based on the information you've given... it's sensible to consider they have a point rather than getting annoyed about it.

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