BF has kids and I don’t know what to do

[Littlemallow]

I met my boyfriend after the break down of my abusive marriage and he is everything I could ever want in a partner, gentle and kind and an amazing dad to his kids.
I’m 35, always wanted kids, and I see myself spending my life with this man. We’ve only been dating 8 months but the feeling is mutual. I fully embrace his kids (altho I haven’t met them - due to respecting his ex’s wishes - this will come in the future), I already love them because they are part of him.
Anyway, I really would love to have kids of my own one day, I just don’t know how to outright ask if he wants more kids in the future. I would think he knows I do… because I haven’t been shy about what I want, but I’m also aware of my age and the fact he already had two. I guess I’m scared to ask because he is everything I want.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I bring this up in the right way? I don’t want them right now, we are early days, but I do want them in the future and I know it isn’t guaranteed no matter who I’m with… any thoughts at all on this would be helpful.

My ideals as a step parent aren’t the point either. Nor is his parenting.

And if I was dating someone who had children then their parenting style would be a huge consideration for me as it would inform me about how they cope with kids, how they view their role as a parent etc. If I want to have kids with someone (like you do) then I would say it's a pretty bloody massive point.

I’d ignore the posters getting in a tizz about saying you love your DP’s kids. You’re willing in principle to take them on and you have a positive attitude about it: that’s a good thing, so long as you’re realistic about all the usual stuff (might not be easy, you mustn’t try to replace mother etc etc etc), which I’m sure you are.
I’m afraid you need to sit your DP down and ask what he wants. Eight months is plenty long enough for a couple over the age of 30 to have a serious talk about what you both want from life and each other. The best advice I ever got about this was 1) reframe what you’re talking about in your own mind as a wonderful, loving offer rather than a needy request. ‘I love being with you and would be excited to think we may one day have children together. Is that something you are excited about too?’ Rather than: ‘I really want kids. Are you prepared to do that for me?’ Because, honestly, if you’re going to have children with someone you want them to be 100% signed up and on board. 2) Have the conversation when you’re in a good mood. Raise it over a nice dinner or on a good walk. Do not raise it during a row or when you’re feeling crap. 3) Hopefully you’ll hear what you’re hoping to hear. If not, don’t issue any ultimatums (no point) and let the dust settle before you take any action. If he says he can’t see himself fathering more children with you or anyone else let yourself have a week or so to decide if that’s a deal breaker for sure. Don’t use that time to persuade yourself he might change his mind, because when people say what they want you should believe them, but do use it to confirm or question the idea that having a baby is your top priority. If it is, think through how you can make that happen even if Mr Right doesn’t show up.Can you see yourself going it alone, for instance? Do you have support and resources to make that possible? Could you get them in place if need be? If you have a plan in place it will make it easier to think of ending the relationship as a constructive step. 4) Equivocation is not the same as ‘yes!’. Treat anything other than ‘yes, I feel the same and although now is too soon we should talk time frames in light of our ages’ as ‘probably not’. It’s ok to push a bit —‘Of course not right now, but I’m 35 so could you see us starting to try within the next 2-3 years?’ is a valid question, and if he wants this with you he should be not just ok with discussing it but keen to do so.
I’m really hopeful for you that this man will give you the answer you want. He sounds lovely. But you have to know.

Hahaha I’m out, the responses are actually insane.

Gosh if you can't handle responses on a MN relationships board thread.. you probably haven't got the resilience needed for the ongoing project of step parenting, having another woman (kids mother) as a factor in your relationship, and all the struggles that can come with a blended family. Even if everything was brilliant with the kids and ex, as soon as you fall pregnant.. things get more complicated.
Come back to us about 'insane' then.

Have the conversation about babies, whether he wants them. But be prepared that it might not be the answer you want and even if you do go for it, it won't be straightforward. Blended families can be wonderful! But hard work. IME.

people have really gotten offended.

People aren’t offended at all love, they’re worried by some worrying statements from someone who’s been in this relationship for 8 months. You’ve never met his kids and have no idea what he’s like as a father, and 8 months is nowhere near enough time to truly even know what he is like full stop.

He’s shown some nice caring behaviour and after your abusive marriage probably looks like heaven on a plate. I can assure you he’s just a person with his own baggage and issues, and you haven’t had any real opportunity to see those yet let alone what family life with him would be like.

But op no one is being mean here. I think you find alot of people are talking from experience and are trying to help you with an insightful more realistic look into the life you could be headed into with someone you could see forever with.

I actually think it's a really immature approach to get defensive over effectively nothing and leave this thread rather than just taken onboard some peoples advice whether you like it or not. You dont know what you're getting yourself into, heck neither would I. And I think its silly to ignore the people that are telling you just that..

For all you know your "perfect" guy may not be so perfect after you see his parenting style. You guys could be complete opposite on that page. Then would you really want to have children with someone like that?

"an amazing dad to his kids...altho I haven’t met them"

How do you know he's an amazing Dad if you have never seen them together?

So assuming this "shared custody" is 50/50, and you've never met the kids. You can't have actually spent more than 4 days a week with this chap.

You clearly don't live together. And there a whole other life he leads when he's not with you..

Are you sure this guy is a decent guy? Are you certain he and his ex have split up?

Have you been to his place? Presumably it has 3 bedrooms so the kids have their space?

So you “love his kids” that you’ve never met?
You judge him to be “an amazing dad” to these kids you’ve never been allowed to meet and
you’re too afraid to talk to him about wanting a family of your own even though you’re the perfect age to become a mum

Yet you still don’t see how strange all of this seems?

Get a puppy op. I’m not sure you’re really ready for motherhood. It’s fucking hard work and you seem to be living in cloud cuckoo land.

He’s kind and gentle and asking him isn’t an issue, I guess I’m just scared I’ll get the wrong answer and the decisions I’ll then have to make

Have the conversation - you may be worrying about nothing . If it's a no then you will have to make a decision.

Your wording was off. However, it’s not relevant.

After wasting 5 years with someone that didn’t want kids, you need to have to this convo, and pronto. Don’t pussy foot around the subject. If it’s something you want, it needs to be addressed and then you can act accordingly.

My ex used the phrase “need to get my ducks in a row” which he bleated out every time I mentioned wanting kids, until he flat out refused. I hate that I wasted 5 years with him when I could have met someone else and had a family.

Good luck!

Having read the step parenting board you need to have a long hard chat about if he wants more kids, how many and then the practicalities of what you can afford and have space for.

Having kids with someone who already has them is likely to mean compromising your dreams for what the perfect family looks like. I am not saying it won't work but you need to go in with your eyes open.

You need to ask whether he wants more children. Personally, I think it’s the sort of thing to discuss much sooner than 8 months into dating. Don’t waste any more time wondering - just ask him. If he says no then you have time to move on, and meet someone else.

Based on the amount of information and insight and information I gave, I’ve been accused of being a nut, accused of settling for scraps because I disclosed I’ve experienced an abusive marriage, been told I shouldn’t have kids, been pigeon holed and told “I’ll probably get pregnant in the first 6 months and then cry for help”, accused of not knowing what it takes to be a step parent (you assume I haven’t before?!), my partners parenting has been questioned based on literally no information I’ve given, his financial situation has also been questioned…. Half of you should stick to watching Eastenders to be honest or at the very least, when someone asks for advice, reserve yourself from assuming every aspect of their life and relationship before giving out unsolicited advice on other matters, dressing it up as being caring.

All because I used the word “love” as opposed to care. Yes, I care about his children that I have not yet met (why we have not met is also a topic that seems up for discussion when it has nothing to do with the original advice I asked for). Some incredibly high horse responses based on VERY little information, says more about half you lot than it does me.

@Fizzbangwallop

You need to ask whether he wants more children. Personally, I think it’s the sort of thing to discuss much sooner than 8 months into dating. Don’t waste any more time wondering - just ask him. If he says no then you have time to move on, and meet someone else.

Thank you, yes this is what I will do.

@Nojobforoldmums

Having read the step parenting board you need to have a long hard chat about if he wants more kids, how many and then the practicalities of what you can afford and have space for.

Having kids with someone who already has them is likely to mean compromising your dreams for what the perfect family looks like. I am not saying it won't work but you need to go in with your eyes open.

Thank you, yes I’m fully open minded and know there may very well be challenges in a blended family (I have experience in this before, I was also a step child in two very healthy loving homes which did have its challenges too). I’m definitely not naive it it all. Thank you for giving me advice on what I’d actually come here for.

@MrsMaizel

He’s kind and gentle and asking him isn’t an issue, I guess I’m just scared I’ll get the wrong answer and the decisions I’ll then have to make

Have the conversation - you may be worrying about nothing . If it's a no then you will have to make a decision.

Thank you, I will be having the conversation this week.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Thing is OP, sometimes if lots of different people are all saying the same thing to you based on the information you've given... it's sensible to consider they have a point rather than getting annoyed about it.

I’d have no issue if I’d asked for my relationship to be dissected, my ability to be a mother up for debate based on one paragraph, but I didn’t ask for that and I think the responses are actually really out of line.

@Littlemallow ignore the crazies- some people love to create an issue where there is none 💐 good luck to you in whatever the outcome! 🌈💞

@Myla2

But op no one is being mean here. I think you find alot of people are talking from experience and are trying to help you with an insightful more realistic look into the life you could be headed into with someone you could see forever with.

I actually think it's a really immature approach to get defensive over effectively nothing and leave this thread rather than just taken onboard some peoples advice whether you like it or not. You dont know what you're getting yourself into, heck neither would I. And I think its silly to ignore the people that are telling you just that..

For all you know your "perfect" guy may not be so perfect after you see his parenting style. You guys could be complete opposite on that page. Then would you really want to have children with someone like that?

No one ever knows what they are getting themselves in to, and I’m not getting defensive because things are hard to hear, I’m getting rightfully annoyed at the judgement based on very little information, I didn’t ask for advice on any of that because I am confident in how I feel and him as a person, and that’s no one else’s business or concern.

I also never said I want to have kids with him right this second, I want to know if he’s open to it in the future. 8 months is not a long time to know someone but it’s long enough to look toward a future based on how I feel. I think people have really jumped to their own conclusions and that is something I don’t like.

Thank you so much for this advice, it’s actually perfect. I’ll be sure to take it all on board, very kind of you.

Don't get together with someone who has children if you want a calm happy family

I know that sounds blunt but being a step parent is not easy and if his ex already has control over you meeting them then it'll be a nightmare.

I've been there. Walk away.

It is not odd that you love his kids because they are part of him. It is not delusional. You love him. You love his kids. You haven't met them yet but neither have an expectant couple who love their baby because it is part of them.
I would ask him whether he wants more kids or not. It's possible it may scare him off but then you'll have your answer and it is better to know where you stand now.

8 months in at 18, sitting down and talking about what you want for the future would be rushing things, especially since people are still figuring themselves out.

8 months in at 35 you are far overdue. You need to know if the two of you have compatible life plans. If you don’t, then no matter how much you connect emotionally, there is no point in continuing the relationship. You don’t have to agree that you are making these plans together, you just need to know if you picture relatively similar futures.

The same holds true for pretty much any relationship from here on out. Even my elderly father had that conversation at the very beginning with every woman he dated once he entered the senior widowers dating scene. Some of them wanted very different types of relationships than the one he was looking for.

Think about what your reaction will be if he says he wants no more kids. If it's no and that's your dealbreaker then ask it immediately and get it over with before you waste any more time. If you can accept just him and his kids and none of your own, at least you know what you are getting into