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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having a talk today with him

77 replies

MamaOl93 · 21/08/2021 14:06

So my friend who’s more than a friend to me, and we act like more than friends, he knows I have feelings for him too.

So yesterday he was completely off with me, couldn’t be in the same room as me, kept walking out if I was in the same room, tried talking to him, he was angry and annoyed with me he said but wouldn’t tell me why.

Going to meet him in an hour to discuss what was wrong and I’m really nervous and don’t know what to do or say?

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 21/08/2021 17:31

Op - in the kindest way possible- he is not interested in being more than “friends “.
He’s probably using you to flirt with but now it’s obvious to him you intend more.
Instead of being an adult and saying directly what he means he’s made a drama and now has you feeling bad.
And it also sounds grossly immature.
This is all happening at work?
Nip that in the bud.
You can live without him!!
And, though you won’t like this.. if you aren’t honest with him he isn’t much of a friend, let some one you can’t live without..is he?

pleasekeeptotheright · 21/08/2021 17:36

Oh dear. I take it back, I don't think he's even after the shag. Why are you ringing him drunk?

He's trying to let you down gently. You need to completely forget about him and leave him alone.

Original poster
MamaOl93 · 21/08/2021 17:39

@pleasekeeptotheright nope, he’s never had a girlfriend and is a virgin too so I knew it wasn’t that. Thanks, think maybe I’ll have to do that x

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 21/08/2021 17:52

OP - is he possibly not sexually attracted to women? Or you are both very young…?

girlmom21 · 21/08/2021 17:53

He doesn't want a relationship with you. Back off. Don't let him 'get back to you on Monday'. You're just wasting your time and energy.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 21/08/2021 18:05

@girlmom21

He doesn't want a relationship with you. Back off. Don't let him 'get back to you on Monday'. You're just wasting your time and energy.
^this. Forget "more than friends". He's just told you he doesn't actually like you very much. At all. It's not even a friendship, much less a relationship.

All you are going to get out of this is angst and maybe fuck up your job to boot. You know that saying "don't shit where you eat"? It exists for a reason. Don't turn the place where you earn your food and the roof over your head into a mess by getting mixed up in something hopeless like this.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 21/08/2021 18:10

This all sounds really vague and euphemistic so if it's like that in conversation between you, I can see how wires might be getting crossed. OP, I mean this really kindly, you need to let this one go. His sulky behaviour is a huge red flag, and a 'meeting' to sort it out seems a tad dramatic when two adults should just be able to talk. He's not going to have a relationship with you, he sounds like he's enjoying the drama and you need to walk away before you spend more time agonising and analysing. He takes up too much of your headspace, you deserve better.

MimsyBorogroves · 21/08/2021 18:16

I am wondering if we have the same friend!

Balonzette · 21/08/2021 18:18

You're not even together yet and he sounds like an absolute demanding nightmare, verging on controlling and manipulative.

PearlyBird · 21/08/2021 18:23

@MamaOl93

He told me I was gonna lose him, we ended up talking it out, things had been misinterpreted by him, sorted those out too, he said I was stressing him out by him eating less, by him sleeping less, so to cut back on communication otherwise I’ll lose him. I agreed, he said he’ll contact me by Monday
Wow, you're not even in a defined relationship and he's telling you that YOU are going to lose him!!

What would you be losing? A man who doesnt want you as a girlfriend, tells you that you're friends but then proceeds to ignore healthy boundaries between friendships and committed relationships.

Id get the shock of my life if a friend told me i was going to lose him when i never had him and he didnt have me.

It's all very unclear and suits him at yr expense. He's pushed you back now and feels better, but you feel confused

Original poster
MamaOl93 · 21/08/2021 18:35

Coming away from our talk, and thinking about everything he’s said,

  • we have an unhealthy friendship
  • I make him ill, he’s not eating or sleeping
  • I’m stressing him out
  • his belief that I’m trying to change how he is in terms of texting or seeing me
Etc etc Maybe I’ll just leave him be now

He said he doesn’t text his friends every day, the only people he does that with is me and his mum. I said yeah but you text me first sometimes and so I’ll reply? Ugh, I dunno. I’m giving up

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 21/08/2021 18:39

Is he gay? How old are u

Original poster
MamaOl93 · 21/08/2021 18:41

@Christmasfairy2020 no he’s not, and we’re both 28

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 21/08/2021 18:41

so to cut back on communication otherwise I’ll lose him.

What a head fuck.

You are right. Just bin him and back off.

He may well contact you on Monday and round and round in circles you will go with him driving it all over again.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 21/08/2021 18:45

@MamaOl93

Coming away from our talk, and thinking about everything he’s said,
  • we have an unhealthy friendship
  • I make him ill, he’s not eating or sleeping
  • I’m stressing him out
  • his belief that I’m trying to change how he is in terms of texting or seeing me
Etc etc Maybe I’ll just leave him be now

He said he doesn’t text his friends every day, the only people he does that with is me and his mum. I said yeah but you text me first sometimes and so I’ll reply? Ugh, I dunno. I’m giving up

That would be end of it for me. There's nothing in that post that makes him a catch, nor does he appear to be considering your feelings, just blaming you for his angst. It sounds like put-on angst as well, the sort that keeps you reeled in. It's not a relationship, whatever's going on. See him for what he is - a user - and take back control by binning whatever relationship type this is off. You'll find you're much happier and stronger when you're not dangling on his string, because you don't need to.
Blue4YOU · 21/08/2021 19:06

He’s 28, a virgin and never had a girlfriend…and isn’t gay?
Utter bollox!
He’s bullshitting you into the bargain

toocold54 · 21/08/2021 19:06

You like him more than he likes you.
It’s so difficult and it will break your heart but you need to walk away from this friendship before he ends up accidentally really hurting you.

I would message him and say ‘I realise that I may be developing feelings for you so I need some space, please don’t contact me’
Then you need to delete all his numbers and social media etc so you’re not tempted.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/08/2021 19:37

it was going back and forth and I said I don’t want to lose you from my life, I can’t lose you from my life

Oh jesus, girl you just laid down on the floor and wrote "doormat - please wipe your feet on me" across your chest.

Block this utter wanker. You will never meet Mr Right while you're pining after this angry incel-type. He is manipulating the living fuck out of you with this nonsense, purely so he can get an ego boost at your expense. 🤬

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/08/2021 00:44

Leave him be, honey.

This is not going to get any better.

Concentrate on yourself and finding some new friendships.

Original poster
MamaOl93 · 22/08/2021 06:58

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice
I’ve left him be since we met up and I’m feeling it won’t be the same anymore now, and feel he’ll probably decide to end our friendship at some point in the future again, so I’ll just take that step back first. :)

OP posts:
NoNotYou · 22/08/2021 07:04

No loss really though is it?

RBKB · 22/08/2021 07:06

@MamaOl93 hugs....there are many men out there who are far less complicated. In my many years of dealing with the male species, can I say....complicated men are often unkind. I expect there have been many mixed messages, judging by your posts.... he would make you unhappy if you ever did form a full relationship with him. Have a lovely Sunday...try pampering and distracting yourself today xxx

Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 07:09

He sounds controlling, immature and sexist, tbh.

Original poster
MamaOl93 · 22/08/2021 07:16

@RBKB aw thanks 💐
He’s a complicated one, he’s an extreme introvert and in his words “wired differently to most, where I could never speak to another human again”

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaOl93 · 22/08/2021 07:17

@Justilou1 he’s being sexist?

OP posts: