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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He missed the family trip….

68 replies

Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 18:45

Family night booked away. He had a work even the night before which was at a half way point so agreed to collect mid morning. Have a child together and ready to set off 9ish. Uncontactable. Got to 11ish and through his friend understood was a heavy night and he would be sound asleep. Decided to go to the trip alone. Heard from him just before 1pm. Stayed out drinking until 4am. He had promised that he was staying for ease and not travelling an hour home at midnight and not going out after the event. I’m not sure how to accept or forgive the selfish behaviour. Sat on a trip with my child like a single orient when I wasn’t. It’s the only night away we were having in the summer just use three and he had promised to not cause an issue. Any advice how to get around this? I’m so incredibly upset it feels relationship defining to me and not sure how I c forgive and trust him again to not be an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 18:49

For background he is a bad drinker. He can handle 5-6 pints but if has much more then he is bad. I’ve picked him up in states before. He said he thought he would get up but my pint was why drink to that state knowing you would be rough and useless on a family trip. It’s all I had asked for from him and he promised to be sensible. Feel so gutted

OP posts:
Pissinthepottyplease · 20/08/2021 18:52

“ he had promised to not cause an issue. ” does he normally cause issues?

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 20/08/2021 18:53

Make this the straw that broke the camel's back op.
You and your ds deserve so much more..
I left my ex when ds was 7 but the damage was done.

ATowelAndAPotato · 20/08/2021 18:56

This sounds like it might be just the latest in a long line of similar events. If so, I think he is unlikely to change his behaviour at this point. So you need to decide if you want to accept it and carry on in this relationship - or not, and start making long term plans for your future with DC. You could try giving a final ultimatum, but if he hasn’t sorted himself out by now, then it seems unlikely he will.
I’m sorry OP, it’s a hard choice either way Flowers

girlmom21 · 20/08/2021 18:57

He's a selfish arse. I'd assume this is a regular occurrence and that his drinking often takes priority over family life?
I hope you and DS had the best time without him and that you don't give him the opportunity to ruin any more events.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2021 18:58

For background he is a bad drinker.

That's all you needed to say, honestly. Don't raise a child with an alcoholic. Get rid and make a happy, stable home for your child.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 20/08/2021 18:59

Agreed this sounds like the next thing in a long line of issues. Does he let you both down often? I hope you have a lovely time with your DC despite the selfishness from your OH.

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:05

Hi thanks for the replies. It’s happened before but in frequent and when I say he is a bad drinker I don’t mean he drinks a lot each day. I meant when he is on a night out or football and drinking I would say more often then not it can end up where he misses the last train, stays out and is in a state. It’s a worry but he doesn’t do it a lot. I had asked him not to cause an issue because the trip came first before the work event. And what use would he be hungover? It was camping. I over compensated and we had the best time. He wanted to drive up in the evening and I said no. I didn’t want to negative energy and we had got into what we were doing. It took a lot for me to drive past the junction I should of been turning off.

He is mortified. Never seen him so upset. However the damage is done. In my mind he knew the risks and carried on. I don’t know anyone else in our lives that would of done this. It’s embarrassing for me that I have been treated that way and my son. I’m not sure how I would build the trust again with him. It’s too far isn’t it? If I accept this is that saying I will allow it. I don’t know. I love him but is doing that what I should accept. It’ll never make me happy. It was horrible that morning. We were easy at 9. I hovered between the sinking feeling he was a mess to what if something was wrong with him. I know it might sound trivial but it has felt traumatising for me to be in this position.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 20/08/2021 19:06

Sat on a trip with my child like a single parent

Tbh, I've quite enjoyed being a single parent. We're not actually the scourge of society and it could be worse (as you're experiencing) Flowers

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:06

He has taken the bollocking. However we went for tea last night as I wanted to show a United front with my son. He didn’t want me to be mad. He did say which broker my heart he was disappointed in his dad (age 10) and I cannot unhear that.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 20/08/2021 19:06

Yeah your child does not deserve to be raised by someone with a drink problem that they can’t control.
I’d be making preparations to leave or kick him out, if you can. Only do an ultimatum if you haven’t done one before and are 100% committed to following through.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2021 19:07

Get rid of him. He's a selfish twat who has no respect for you.

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:07

@GreyCarpet oh god I hope that didn’t come across in the wrong way I’m sorry. I meant in my mind it was a family trip and in reality I was alone as an adult. That hurt me to be sat there alone not prepared for it.

OP posts:
AttaGirrrrl · 20/08/2021 19:07

Any advice how to get around this?
Don’t. Seriously. Don’t try to get around it. I spent years ‘getting around’ shit from stbxh. It didn’t change.

I’m so incredibly upset it feels relationship defining to me
It is. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.

Inot sure how I c forgive and trust him again to not be an idiot.*
Don’t. You can’t.

Sorry for sounding ridiculously negative, but I spent years putting up with crap like this from STBXH. He would push it all back to me (‘everyone’s allowed a social life. Why are you trying to stop me having fun?’) while ruining weekends / events etc. Eventually I kicked him out and I’ve honestly never been happier.

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:08

I would be a single parent if it was best for my sons happiness and mine. Rather be happy alone then unhappy with someone believe me

OP posts:
pog100 · 20/08/2021 19:13

It's not trivial and it is relationship defining or actually relationship ending. It's not like it's some random drunken night, they can creep up on the best of us. It was predictable and indeed predicted by you. He still went ahead. It shows that either his relationship with drink or his relationship with his mates is more important than his partner and child.
I think you need to split, at the very least temporarily

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:13

@AttaGirrrrl No don’t be sorry. This was the reason I posted I needed some people with experience. My parents know but I cannot really express how upset I am to them because they worry and one friend but again I can’t fully open up. That’s my issue not hers.

Last week when he said he wanted to stay over those were his words ‘I’m 40 and I want to be able to do what I want to do’ which is why I said fine let’s find a compromise. He was going to drive there and then back on the morning but we have a dog and I needed to stop half way and didn’t want him driving first thing so said it made sense to collect him. Just feel an idiot for not putting my foot down.

The thing is I know he is gutted and angry at himself. However it’s fine and nothing in his head stopped him. Even if he did get up he would of been a mess hungover on the trip. That’s not good enough either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:16

@pog100 thanks, these are my sentiments around it. There is a lot of good about him but this has gone too far. I cannot get my head around the family trip not being a priority. I have been doing my own head in thinking am I overreacting but honestly I cannot talk myself around to accepting it and planning to move on and put it behind us. I really think it tells me he doesn’t value what we have and this showed it to us all, despite what he says. That’s really gut wrenching for me but I believe it’s the truth.

OP posts:
AttaGirrrrl · 20/08/2021 19:19

The thing is, you found the compromise but then he reneged on it. If it’s the first time and he seems genuinely sorry then it might be worth a second chance, but no one will ever be getting a third chance from me again - and I’d recommend you don’t give one either.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2021 19:19

Last week when he said he wanted to stay over those were his words ‘I’m 40 and I want to be able to do what I want to do’

FFS, he sounds like a 10 year old.

pleasekeeptotheright · 20/08/2021 19:25

All he had to do was get up and get a shower. That's it. And he couldn't manage it...or chose not to.

However he feels now is just the fallout from his choices. Tough shit isn't it.

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:26

I know he did sound like a child when I play it back. I mean we haven’t done much for ages so I wanted him to do what he wants and be happy but not compromise the trip. I explained my worries and got reassurance. I cannot see him doing it again but in reality I would never be in this position again with him. He doesn’t have much to say other than he is sorry and he is an idiot and angry at himself. I’m not sure whether i wanted him to say more but nothing that’s been said makes me feel better. God I really feel like the family is broken but then feel selfish that it’s a big decision for all our lives. Our son will be devastated with the upheaval. Do I put him first over me? I should as a mother but can I ever be happy again.

OP posts:
Pissinthepottyplease · 20/08/2021 19:26

He clearly has a problem with alcohol. For me the only way I could forgive would be if he sought help for his problem drinking.

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:27

It is tough shit. I am strong with lots of things and weak with others and this has just got to me so much. I feel mortified I’ve been treated like this, like how can I be in a situation where this happened to me. 13 years we have been together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:29

@Pissinthepottyplease I know and I’m not sure if I feel like I am overeating because these nights once in a blue moon (even before covid) are just the issue. Outside that he doesn’t really drink. It’s just weird. I felt like giving him ultimatum’s on it but then I think he needs to be the one to decide and realise. I can’t force him but I can’t allow this to happen again because am I then saying it’s acceptable when the bar is set to this level. Clearly I am doing my own head in with thoughts.

OP posts: