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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He missed the family trip….

68 replies

Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 18:45

Family night booked away. He had a work even the night before which was at a half way point so agreed to collect mid morning. Have a child together and ready to set off 9ish. Uncontactable. Got to 11ish and through his friend understood was a heavy night and he would be sound asleep. Decided to go to the trip alone. Heard from him just before 1pm. Stayed out drinking until 4am. He had promised that he was staying for ease and not travelling an hour home at midnight and not going out after the event. I’m not sure how to accept or forgive the selfish behaviour. Sat on a trip with my child like a single orient when I wasn’t. It’s the only night away we were having in the summer just use three and he had promised to not cause an issue. Any advice how to get around this? I’m so incredibly upset it feels relationship defining to me and not sure how I c forgive and trust him again to not be an idiot.

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 20/08/2021 19:29

The problem is that he’s done this before and he’s apologised before but his behaviour shows that he’s not actually sorry.
When you are truly sorry for something you don’t do it again.
His words are meaningless and he’s proven that to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2021 19:31

He doesn’t have much to say other than he is sorry and he is an idiot and angry at himself.

Until the next time, right? Because there will always be a next time, and he will pretend, once again, to be so very cross and disappointment with himself. Poor bloke, he's got it so hard. 🙄

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:31

Thanks. I think that’s the harsh reality isn’t it. That it’s words and temporary. God this hurts. I was strong on the trip. I cried at times when alone but nobody would of known. I felt strong yesterday even facing him. Today I just feel so low.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2021 19:32

*disappointed

writingsonthewall · 20/08/2021 19:33

I feel for you. My ex h was the same, I look back now and am astonished I put up with it for so long.

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:35

Oh god I feel such an idiot for being in this position. If I try and make it work I will only have myself to blame for unhappiness if or when it happens again.

OP posts:
Saucy99 · 20/08/2021 19:45

Op you sound a tad melodramatic. He had one night out since before COViD an you have gone off like this? Give the bloke a break.

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:48

It’s not one night out since before covid. He went out Saturday and was smashed. However I picked him up. I said he hadn’t been out as much due to covid. He didn’t come on the only family trip we have planned for 2021 as got drunk instead. My 10 year old was upset. If that is melodramatic then fine. I feel terrible about it but maybe I won’t in a few days and think I was overreacting

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 19:49

Also when you say gone off what do you mean? I haven’t gone off. He is home and we went out for tea. Of course I told him what I thought. I am talking to a forum for views and support so will take yours on board but what you have implied isn’t factual.

OP posts:
Pissinthepottyplease · 20/08/2021 19:56

[quote Whattodo082021]@Pissinthepottyplease I know and I’m not sure if I feel like I am overeating because these nights once in a blue moon (even before covid) are just the issue. Outside that he doesn’t really drink. It’s just weird. I felt like giving him ultimatum’s on it but then I think he needs to be the one to decide and realise. I can’t force him but I can’t allow this to happen again because am I then saying it’s acceptable when the bar is set to this level. Clearly I am doing my own head in with thoughts.[/quote]
I completely understand why you feel this may but try substituting binge drinking so it spoils family life with cheating or domestic violence. I know it’s not the same thing but just because something happens infrequently doesn’t make it anymore acceptable.

SpottyTablecloths · 20/08/2021 20:04

Going to go against the grain here. DH used to do this occassionally. Never missed a weekend away - but certainly the odd event coloured by the too much the night before.

I used to get really het up about it. Stressing before DH even went out that he'd miss the train/end up at a random station/be hungover.

We got into a viscious cycle of me nagging/expecting the worst of him...and him reacting (as he agreed afterwards) like a petulant teenager and drinking even more.

It wasn't an alcohol problem in the true sense...more a relationship problem.

We sat down when sober and I told him I felt anxious and worried and could not relax/sleep until he was home safe. Even though 80% of the time he'd have a few beers, be bit merry on arriving home but that would be it. But that in some ways the worry/nagging etc was my reaction to him going out.

He felt like he was being treated like a child and admitted that this sometimes made him think he may as well carry on drinking if he was going to get me going on at him when he got home. He also admitted that then, once he'd had 3 or 4 beers he struggled to not carry on. Maybe an alcohol problem - yes, slightly worrying - but to be honest, I could be the same.

The MN massive would have had me LTB. Instead, we agreed that
I would try and not instantly assume 1 beer = drunk
He would stick to 2 max if it was going to be "a quick drink"
He would arrange to stay in a hotel/get an Uber home if he was going to have more than 2 drinks (obviously letting me know). That was I would not worry about him ending up in the arse end of no-where/walking along a country road back from the station etc etc.

It worked.

The Uber/hotel thing meant I was relaxed. DH didn't feel the pressure from me nagging him. He realised the true expense of a night out (added £ for the hotel etc) and they became less frequent. He no longer had a few extra as a "May as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb" mentality.

I will be honest - once the viscious cycle of drink/worry/hangover/nag went he went out and drunk a lot less.

He was being painful and childish - but my reaction was not helping.

Anyway this may all be irrelevant to you - I am just trying to say, please do not let the "This is a deal-breaker" brigade make you do something you may not need to do. If he is generally OK and this is really just a once a blue-moon then yes, have a conversation. Agree a way forward. But it doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.

SeasonFinale · 20/08/2021 20:07

What I don't understand is why you drove past the junction and just didn't go to collect him? Surely he wasn't there because you didn't collect him as arranged.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2021 20:11

@SeasonFinale

What I don't understand is why you drove past the junction and just didn't go to collect him? Surely he wasn't there because you didn't collect him as arranged.
He had been drinking until 4 that morning. Why would she want to pick up a stinking, still drunk idiot? I would have kept driving, too.
Auntycorruption · 20/08/2021 20:13

@Whattodo082021

I would be a single parent if it was best for my sons happiness and mine. Rather be happy alone then unhappy with someone believe me
Actions count, not words.

Do what is right for you and your son - free yourselves from his shit and build a happier life

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 20:15

@SeasonFinale I was supposed to get him 10ish. We couldn’t reach him by the phone. I knew the hotel but could March a child and dog in there and demand they let me to him room. To find him in a state? He ready his messages about 12.45pm and contacted me. He’s 40 so I made the decision to go on the trip and nothing delay further then cross the bridge when I saw him on what to do next.

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 20/08/2021 20:15

I am the daughter of a dad just like your OH.
He never turned up when he said he would, as he was either hungover or drunk.

I leaned never to rely on him, never to expect anything of him, and it drove us apart.

You and your child deserve better.

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 20:16

I meant couldn’t march. And read his messages. Typing fast sorry.

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 20/08/2021 21:42

I think one of the big issues is that he said he's 40, so wants to be able to do the things that he wants. But going away on your one family trip should BE the thing that he wants. Not the boring obstacle that stops him doing the stuff he actually enjoys, which is what he's made the situation feel like

JulesCobb · 20/08/2021 21:45

I’m 40 and I want to be able to do what I want to do

He is a selfish piece if shit. Dumo him and move on.

Original poster
Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 21:48

@JovialNickname that rings true in how I feel. I feel that he wasn’t interested in the family trip and that was the inconvenience. He clearly didn’t value it and I feel foolish about it all.

Thanks for everyone’s comments. Just so dejected and need to go through the motions of the emotions and get my head together.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 21/08/2021 04:28

I think one of the big issues is that he said he's 40, so wants to be able to do the things that he wants. But going away on your one family trip should BE the thing that he wants. Not the boring obstacle that stops him doing the stuff he actually enjoys, which is what he's made the situation feel like.

This exactly

Angry and disappointed in himself, about what? Missing the trip or the sense of selfish entitlement which he used as permission to miss the trip.

The dynamic here, is that somehow you and your son are the reasons for his lack of freedom and therefore, you need to accommodate his behaviour to compensate for your part in his loss of liberty. I suspect that misplaced guilt and his petulance was behind you collecting an adult male after a night of drinking.

In your head you had made a compromise but in his, you were just making up for your part in his loss of freedom. I doubt his remorse will last long because he isn’t. He’s sorry that he’s going to have to act contrite, when actually he’s the victim in this because his freedom has been curtailed.

His excessive drinking (however infrequent), is a symptom of the primary problem, his sense of entitlement.

You’re not his mother, so don’t act like it.

Gimlisaxe · 21/08/2021 05:32

DP did this one, but it was Christmas Eve and he didn't wake up for Christmas day, DS was 2, by the time he had gotten himself together, blamed me for not waking him up, felt sad etc etc etc. I sat him down and told him this was his one and only chance, I was in no way to blame for him drinking. So he could knock that one on the head and he could fuck himself if he thought I was in anyway to blame (I was realy fucked off) he needed to grow the fuck up and understand Christmas was now not going off to get pissed but about our son.

7 years on, still together, never missed anything like this again, I think because he knew how angry I was and that a one off was fine while DS was young but anything else beyond this was done.

ChaToilLeam · 21/08/2021 06:19

It’s clear that his priority is drinking, not family life. He couldn’t get it together for the one trip you were going on. And your DS now realised that his father is a disappointment.

There’s only one way you can stop this happening again.

Lucycantdance · 21/08/2021 06:43

I’m going against the majority here but I don’t think this is that bad?! If it’s once in a blue moon and he hardly drinks apart from that? He let you down and should be more responsible and not go out the night before a trip but letting your hair down once in a while isn’t relationship ending is it? Unless I missed something. Hope you get it sorted Flowers

crumble82 · 21/08/2021 07:15

I get why you’re upset and angry, I would be too. However unless I’m missing something this incident sounds like a pretty rare one. Is everything good in your relationship otherwise? If it is then it seems like quite a big step to talk about ending things over a one off. If it’s the final straw and one of a list of problems then I agree it’s a pretty major issue.

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