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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He missed the family trip….

68 replies

Whattodo082021 · 20/08/2021 18:45

Family night booked away. He had a work even the night before which was at a half way point so agreed to collect mid morning. Have a child together and ready to set off 9ish. Uncontactable. Got to 11ish and through his friend understood was a heavy night and he would be sound asleep. Decided to go to the trip alone. Heard from him just before 1pm. Stayed out drinking until 4am. He had promised that he was staying for ease and not travelling an hour home at midnight and not going out after the event. I’m not sure how to accept or forgive the selfish behaviour. Sat on a trip with my child like a single orient when I wasn’t. It’s the only night away we were having in the summer just use three and he had promised to not cause an issue. Any advice how to get around this? I’m so incredibly upset it feels relationship defining to me and not sure how I c forgive and trust him again to not be an idiot.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whattodo082021 · 21/08/2021 11:08

List of problems over the last few weeks all revolving around his selfish behaviour and I’ve been asking him to stop and then this happened. Feels hideous to be in this situation. I came out for an hour and cannot even go back to the house to face any of it.

OP posts:

SixesAndEights · 21/08/2021 11:35

I think deep down you know the answer, it's just really hard right now.

girlmom21 · 21/08/2021 14:07

@crumble82

I get why you’re upset and angry, I would be too. However unless I’m missing something this incident sounds like a pretty rare one. Is everything good in your relationship otherwise? If it is then it seems like quite a big step to talk about ending things over a one off. If it’s the final straw and one of a list of problems then I agree it’s a pretty major issue.

I think you are missing something. The fact it happens regularly enough for the OP to have preempted it means it happens far too often realistically.

He prioritised his work night out over a family holiday. He literally missed out on a family holiday because he couldn't drink to a sensible level. His poor son missed out on that experience with both his parents and then knew that atmosphere was there and exactly why.

Original poster

Whattodo082021 · 21/08/2021 14:13

@girlmom21 this. Heartbroken for my son and he said at the end of the trip he was glad it was just us and we can do it again just us.

OP posts:

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/08/2021 14:20

I think it's bad. He chose his priorities and it wasn't you or his child. There was a point on his night out where he decided to carry on drinking and not worry about the next day, despite what he'd promised you. I'd be heartbroken to hear my 10 year old say they are disappointed in their dad.

spotty your DH was blaming you for his active choice to get really drunk on nights out, even though it stressed you out. The whole 'might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb' is a crock of shit. He just didn't care enough about why you were concerned, to stop his excessive drinking. You think you've got a compromise, but what's really happened is that he does what he wants and you've found a way to suck it up.

SixesAndEights · 22/08/2021 17:30

[quote Whattodo082021]@girlmom21 this. Heartbroken for my son and he said at the end of the trip he was glad it was just us and we can do it again just us.[/quote]
Take your lead from your son.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/08/2021 17:38

How long has he had this issue for? My XH used to drink like this and it was unbearable.

MadMadMadamMim · 22/08/2021 17:49

Don't stay with a man who doesn't prioritise his family. He didn't care that he was letting his child or you down. He just didn't care.

Keep repeating that to yourself. Your son sounds lovely, and you will be fine. It is far better than staying with some silly creature who has thrown away his family life for the chance of getting absolutely bladdered with his mates.

At 40 he should be an adult. And he's not. But don't tolerate any more. Send him packing.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/08/2021 20:14

[quote Whattodo082021]@girlmom21 this. Heartbroken for my son and he said at the end of the trip he was glad it was just us and we can do it again just us.[/quote]
Listen to your son.

Do you want him to grow up thinking the behaviour is ok and that the other person and children should put up with it? Parental role models play a huge part in how a child learns and often follow.

Fireflygal · 22/08/2021 20:36

Just feel an idiot for not putting my foot down

You couldn't have done anything more than you did. I think some people have missed that he was also out previously but you collected him so this isn't that rare occurrence. He has an unhealthy attitude to drinking and he isn't focused on his family. That's why this hurts so much.

Drinkers don't tend to change unless they seek external help and he isn't at that stage. He is likely to have post drinking sadness and apologising so life can go back to normal but what is he doing to change his behaviour? He has clearly told you he wants to do what he wants...listen to him and his actions. The "sorrys" are empty words.

Being with a drinker changes you, you have to be the responsible one, you have to think ahead and plan around his drinking, you have anxiety when he isn't picking up calls. I would ask him to leave and sort his priorities which include learning to stop drinking.

LanternIsle · 22/08/2021 20:47

Sad story. But you’re not sad OP. Just suppressed and made miserable by this man and all his attendant problems. Take life by the horns for you and yours whilst you can …

fuckoffImcounting · 23/08/2021 21:03

OP you sound like such a decent and thoughtful person and the pain and humiliation that you have felt in this situation has really come through, as has your DC's sadness. I hope your DP understands exactly what his stupidity is putting on the line here. His loss will be great.

Muchmorethan · 23/08/2021 21:42

So what are you going to do?

Branleuse · 24/08/2021 09:31

so hes freaking out and upsetting you even more now after deliberatly staying out till 4am and getting wankered and missing the only trip you planned all summer. Ugh, im not sure I could get past this, especially if its a pattern of behaviour. What would be the point in trying to get past it? So you and your son can just keep getting let down?

ancientgran · 24/08/2021 09:34

@GreyCarpet

Sat on a trip with my child like a single parent

Tbh, I've quite enjoyed being a single parent. We're not actually the scourge of society and it could be worse (as you're experiencing)

I was married with 2 kids, divorced and on my own, remarried and more kids. I agree with you that it can be enjoyable (I suppose having enough money makes a difference) but sometimes one person in charge making decisions is so uncomplicated.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/08/2021 09:44

*List of problems over the last few weeks all revolving around his selfish behaviour and I’ve been asking him to stop and then this happened. Feels hideous to be in this situation. I came out for an hour and cannot even go back to the house to face any of it

Heartbroken for my son and he said at the end of the trip he was glad it was just us and we can do it again just us*

Sounds like this is the straw tbh. I would seriously think about how I wanted my life to look. Start considering yourself and what you want-as he clearly doesn’t consider you in his thoughts.

dontshootmeforthis · 24/08/2021 14:54

@Saucy99

Op you sound a tad melodramatic. He had one night out since before COViD an you have gone off like this? Give the bloke a break.

And they had booked one trip away as a family!!!!! She didn't stop him going out. She just wanted him to be in a decent state when she picked him up!!!!

Original poster

Whattodo082021 · 24/08/2021 19:20

Hi guys. I think you’ve all summed up my feelings. Well apart from the melodramatic one but I did create this to get some other views and experiences. In regard to what I do I don’t know. It’s a big decision. I’m not happy thought and cannot work out if I’ll be able to move past this or if it’s one step too far really. At the moment it feels like it’s gone too far. I want to be happy, god I want him to be happy I don’t want him miserable so if he wants to be an idiot and that makes him happy then as long as it doesn’t impact me and our son again fine. That doesn’t mean we’ll be happy together. I just cannot shake the feeling we have different outlooks and priorities.

OP posts:

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