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Original poster

Do you have to settle when looking for love in your 40's?

61 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 19/08/2021 10:07

Hi everyone,

I've finally decided that I'm ready to date. I have a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable idiots (previous to having my dd). Since having my child I realise I want something different, ideally someone kind and loving. I've joined a few dating apps, but the majority of men on there are 😱

I'm not saying I'm a super model, but I look after myself and would still like someone I'm attracted to but with the qualities I'm looking for. Do I have to settle because all the decent men are married?!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2021 10:49

Honestly I'd rather be single than to settle for someone

ravenmum · 19/08/2021 10:56

Do you want more children?

Egghead68 · 19/08/2021 10:57

No you can just be single.

EBearhug · 19/08/2021 10:59

No. Better to be single.

Planetsandstars · 19/08/2021 11:01

Depends what you want, is my honest answer.

To an extent, I settled, but I knew I wanted children and I was 38.

If I didn’t want children or had them I probably wouldn’t have bothered dating Grin but you are.

I think you do have to compromise rather than settle, that’s probably a better word.

Anordinarymum · 19/08/2021 11:02

@Cherryblossom200

Hi everyone,

I've finally decided that I'm ready to date. I have a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable idiots (previous to having my dd). Since having my child I realise I want something different, ideally someone kind and loving. I've joined a few dating apps, but the majority of men on there are 😱

I'm not saying I'm a super model, but I look after myself and would still like someone I'm attracted to but with the qualities I'm looking for. Do I have to settle because all the decent men are married?!

No you do not have to settle for anything. Going by some of the threads we read on here, not all the decent men are married. Some of them are absolute beasts. Just take your time and wait for those traits to come creeping out and then move on to the next one ... until you find the right fit.

I met my bloke by chance in a pub. I was not even looking. He is massively flawed in that he doesn't do much in the home which as you know is an offence punishable by death on here, but he is a good person and steadfast and loves me.

GoWalkabout · 19/08/2021 11:11

Well, don't settle for disrespect or bad treatment, don't get intimate with anyone you don't find attractive. If you are being fussy then reevaluate your criteria (for instance my friend had excluded guys with children, changed that and then met someone).
How will the guy improve your life? Figure out what is important - or - just enjoy dating without getting serious and see what you want.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 19/08/2021 11:12

I have a child and don't want anymore (I'm nearly 46) so that's not even an option.

I definitely don't want to settle, but thinking the pot is way smaller now! I've been single for so long now and would really love to meet someone, but I know the whole dating thing is awful which puts me off.

OP posts:
skipperjonce · 19/08/2021 11:12

Do not settle. It'll come. I dated prolifically after my divorce. It took 2 years but I eventually found a fantastic one.

If you settle, and it all goes to shit in 10 years time, imaging doing it all again in your 50s!

Treetops73 · 19/08/2021 11:12

I’m in a similar position OP, but I won’t settle. I couldn’t be with a man I wasn’t very attracted to - the physical side of the relationship is important to me and I don’t think ignoring that is conducive to long term happiness.

It depends on what’s important to you. I think some people do settle because they really want to be in a relationship, but I’m happy single and will only give that up for a man I am physically attracted to! I also think it’s unfair on the other person to settle; it would be horrible to know that your partner was ‘making do’ with you.

JustAnother0ldMan · 19/08/2021 11:18

@Cherryblossom200

Hi everyone,

I've finally decided that I'm ready to date. I have a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable idiots (previous to having my dd). Since having my child I realise I want something different, ideally someone kind and loving. I've joined a few dating apps, but the majority of men on there are 😱

I'm not saying I'm a super model, but I look after myself and would still like someone I'm attracted to but with the qualities I'm looking for. Do I have to settle because all the decent men are married?!

No, of course you don’t have to settle, I’m also later in life and looking to date, and guess what, not all ladies are Super Models, & I’m sure not all the decent ones are married either, so you just pick and choose based on what you like.
ravenmum · 19/08/2021 11:20

Brilliant, if you don't want a child then you don't even have to compromise, let alone settle :)

Plenty of men that age just coming back on the market, or still on it, the same as you, and you're a "decent woman", right? :)

I went out at 45 just looking for fun, no more. I think it's a pretty good approach to modern dating. If they are tossers, you can toss them back without a second glance as you're just looking for fun, so it's no big deal. If they are just looking for fun too, you can have some fun together. And if they turn out, against all expectations, to be not only fun but actually great all round, then you can see how it goes. No pressure, as you have all the time in the world.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 19/08/2021 11:22

I'm happy to wait until I meet the right man, because physical attraction is important to me. My ex was very attractive (but a tw*t) and I guess to some extent I find it a bit hard as I'm always comparing people to him! Wrong I know.

My ex was the tall, dark handsome aloof type which a lot of women find attractive. I'm a bit worried I'll find steady guys boring 😬

OP posts:
Shurl · 19/08/2021 11:28

In alot of ways, you are in a better position than someone in their late thirties, because you aren't having to deal with the "do you want more/any children?" question and the time pressures involved from either side.

So sit back, relax and see what happens. It might take time, but the journey should be part of the fun. If it isn't, stop!

And when you meet the right one, it doesn't feel like settling, even if they aren't what you originally imagined. You will always have to compromise, but that isn't settling.

ravenmum · 19/08/2021 11:32

Physical attraction is important to me, too, but personally I find that it develops over time. The guy I am with now is also very much not a super model, but I went out with him as he had the rough body shape I like (broad shoulders, big chest, as tall as me), I fancied dating someone with brown eyes for a change 😂 and he has a sexy deep voice and a sense of humour, and was up for going out and doing fun things with me rather than sitting on the sofa. Over time I found him more and more physically attractive. Less conventionally attractive than my ex, but with my ex it was the other way around: I found him less an less attractive as his flaws became more obvious!
Honestly, I'd recommend trying out some less obvious guys ... it's only dating, you can end it whenever you like!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 19/08/2021 11:33

Thanks Shurl! Everyone is making me feel way better about my situation now 😊 thank you! For some reason I felt time pressured, I don't fancy being a single woman in my 50's for some reason. But I think that's because a guy mate once said when you're 50 it's too late to date. That stuck with me 😝

OP posts:
ravenmum · 19/08/2021 11:34

Not "steady" guys, though - if you're giving them that label you probably just aren't interested!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 19/08/2021 11:41

I'm quite an outdoors, adventurer type with a strong personality 😂 if I was to date the type of guy who like to stay home and watch tv, with little get up and go it get bored. But when I've dated the same types of guys as me, love to travel, adventure it goes wrong. They just love their independence way too much as we just end up like my ex, with me wanting more and them not wanting to leave their care free life style.

So what i'm trying to say is, how do I find someone who can challenge me, and has similar interests with but also is loving and stable. Does that even exist or am I just way too fussy 😂

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 19/08/2021 11:44

@AryaStarkWolf

Honestly I'd rather be single than to settle for someone
Me too. I have been single for 5 years, have been on loads of dates but yet to find anyone I could have a serious relationship with. I guess I’m a bit fussy but have also got used to being on my own and would rather stay single than settle with someone who doesn’t quite tick all my boxes.
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 19/08/2021 11:46

Love music you sound like me. My main concern is that I'm too fussy, so will never find what I want.

OP posts:
LividLaVidaLoca · 19/08/2021 11:49

No.

I waited eleven years to find him.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/08/2021 11:51

I think there's a difference between settling and being realistic/adjusting expectations.

The likelihood is that in your 40's you are also going to be attracting men in their 40's, most of whom will have had a past in some way. It's not like meeting someone in your teens/twenties, falling in love for the first time, doing all the 'firsts' together. Many men will have been married/have kids and that brings a degree of 'baggage' (I hate that term but can't think how else to put it).

I met my dp 2 years ago online and he is great, but he has his own life experiences that 48 years on this planet bring, as do I.

Some things I will accept (mental health issues that are managed, for example), but others I won't (treating me or others badly, etc).

Lovemusic33 · 19/08/2021 11:52

I’m prepared to never find anyone. There are days where I wish I had someone but mainly I’m happy being single and having a few male friends.

I think when you have been through bad relationships it’s even harder to find someone as your looking for those red flags that you may have missed last time, I probably over think everything 🤣. I just want someone who I feel relaxed around and who shares similar interests. I also don’t want someone with young children (my dc are older teens) but it seems most men in their 40’s seem to have young kids. I also want someone who I find physically attractive as well as interesting, most guys seem to look like potatoes and spend their life watching Netflix or sitting in the pub every evening. I’m pretty outgoing and love being outdoors.

frozendaisy · 19/08/2021 11:52

There are single parent camping gatherings in summer, maybe most holidays, perhaps book into one of those. You will need a Google search buy that could be a good place to start.

frozendaisy · 19/08/2021 11:53

Volunteer to do local community gardening.