Do you have to settle when looking for love in your 40's?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I've finally decided that I'm ready to date. I have a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable idiots (previous to having my dd). Since having my child I realise I want something different, ideally someone kind and loving. I've joined a few dating apps, but the majority of men on there are 😱

I'm not saying I'm a super model, but I look after myself and would still like someone I'm attracted to but with the qualities I'm looking for. Do I have to settle because all the decent men are married?!

No you don't have to settle.
I was single for 8 years, dc were young and my priority.
I had no interest in going to pubs to meet someone or meeting strangers off dating sites. I'm also not into one night stands and was prepared to spend the rest of my life single.
I met an amazing person through friends. We became friends and got to know a bit about each other then we became partners and it's been amazing.
Sometimes good things come to you, no matter your age.

@frozendaisy

a guy mate once said when you're 50 it's too late to date
Your guy mate was how old at the time? Old enough to imagine being 50?
My grandmother remarried at 61 and 79 so I've always assumed you can just keep on dating!

how do I find someone who can challenge me, and has similar interests with but also is loving and stable
Look for outdoorsy types but date loads of them casually then end it the instant it becomes clear they are not up for commitment at all?
If you've not dated for a while, though, you might find that the same outdoorsy types you used to date are actually now less bothered about their "independence", partly as they've grown up, and are thinking about their future too, and partly as you don't want any more children.

I didn't, and I'm 52!

Settle in what sense? Look, you have a child, presumably a home and an income? No you don't have to settle. I dated first for sex and then for a relationship and tbh found loads of men I liked at least enough for a date or a shag. I've been with new bf for 9 months, ok some of that was lockdown but it's just lovely and frankly I've never felt lust like it... he is kind, funny, organised, likes his ex wife but isn't hung up on her, sounds time with his kids, volunteers for a charity... he's so nice

Don't settle, ever, but also consider therapy. I used to do horrific co dependency but seem to be breaking that pattern at last.

“ .. that age just coming back on the market “, Jeez, make it sound like your looking for a used car, give our tyres a kick, take us for a drive and see how we perform 😩

@JustAnother0ldMan

“ .. that age just coming back on the market “, Jeez, make it sound like your looking for a used car, give our tyres a kick, take us for a drive and see how we perform 😩

I'd say the same of myself if I was "on the market". It's an ironic way to talk about the date race.

You will probably have to compromise unless you're happy to be part of the competition. But don't settle.

I find the all decent men are married comment bemusing as if that's the case so are all the good women.

There are men out there who seem to think women over, god, even mid-thirties are somehow undateable or that ‘all the good men are gone’. Funnily enough the ones i’ve encountered like this are older and single themselves not don’t seem to think they will have any issues meeting a ‘good one’! You’d have thought if all the good men were gone then so would the good women!

Ignore that sort of bollocks. There’s lots of available men out there of all ages who are happy to date in their age bracket, and it’s never too late to find love! The types of men who act like women have a shelf life are doing you a favour as you know they are the ones to avoid!

I think I will have to compromise somewhere. I've been told that I discount men far too quickly as I don't feel chemistry/attraction straight away. That sometimes it's the slow burn which will last 😬 but that hasn't happened to me.

Trying out a different strategy isn't compromising, though. If you do give your dates a longer time to see if the attraction grows, that doesn't mean you have to stay with them forever if it doesn't.

@Cherryblossom200

Thanks Shurl! Everyone is making me feel way better about my situation now 😊 thank you! For some reason I felt time pressured, I don't fancy being a single woman in my 50's for some reason. But I think that's because a guy mate once said when you're 50 it's too late to date. That stuck with me 😝

That's bollocks! I dated in my 50s, and it was absolutely fine. Met my chap when I was 54. Tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, funny, lovely ... they are out there!

Just to say my mother met the love of her life aged 60 and still adores him 28 years later. In her case she did actually compromise on one issue but she didn't care because she was so crazy about him, so that doesn't really count...

Depends how badly you want to be part of a couple OP, and I don't mean that in a bad way . I know a few people that have settled because being with a life partner is what makes them happy .
I am happy single, I'm your age , and I've got a 7 Yr old. I'm ready to meet someone but I want to be blown away or not bother and I don't think I'll find that person trawling through tinder. I may never find that person but I'm happy with that

But who says all the decent men are married
We are 50:50
And 50% of marriages end in divorce

I’d rather be single than settle personally

Ah no I'd definitely not want to settle, I know I would be unhappy. I want to be with someone who does blow me away. That's the problem. That was my ex 😬 but he is a man-child.

@Lovemusic33 this is me too!

Surely it was ever the same, even pre OLD? When looking for a man, most are unattractive (to the seeker) or turn out to be undesirable for one reason or another. I used to put men into 3 categories- definite "no"s, a few "maybe"s and the occasional "yes"!

I have only dated at a time when I had a very active social life where I met new people ecety week. It wasn't easy then to find the right person, so it's no surprise it's not easy when one is older or confined to OLD!

Don't settle but have fun looking!

Just date and have fun, and see what happens.

Don't settle, there are worse things than being single.

The time pressure you feel is bollocks. There are always single men of any age.

My friend met her DP after getting divorced in her 40’s. She definitely did way better this time around in terms of everything that makes a man attractive so, no, you do not need to ‘settle’ in your 40’s or 20’s or 60’s. We all need to stop listening to people who tell us to settle. I remember an ex telling me (when I was 20😱) that women in New York were more likely to be run over by a bus than to get married if they were single at 29🙄🙄🙄🤔

Learn how to be happy with yourself for now OP. That way you're not desperate or will accept what isn't right just for a relationship.

I was single for a couple of years before I met DH. And no, no compromise at all. He was and still is the most handsome man I've ever met and a wonderful husband and father. Love yourself first.

I’m
In the same position as you (but childless & don’t want any now). I need to believe this isn’t true:

Do I have to settle because all the decent men are married?!

I do love myself and happy on my own. I've really been on my own for over 10 years, I don't count the time with my ex as being in a relationship 😂 so I'm definitely comfortable on my own. I have great friends and an active social life. My ground work is there if that makes sense.

I've not prioritised a relationship until now, because I feel it's time for me now to have someone in my life. I would like it, but don't feel I have to have it. I'm definitely not desperate. If anything I'm so comfortable on my own, that it's going to be a shock to get into another relationship. Im not used to it at all, that's part of the problem! x

I don't think you need to settle but perhaps keep your mind open to all sorts and see what's out there. Join the dating thread on mumsnet, lovely people and you can see some of the successful stories, and not so much. My ex was also very attractive but actually when I was dating, it opened my eyes to who else was out there.

@Annasgirl

My friend met her DP after getting divorced in her 40’s. She definitely did way better this time around in terms of everything that makes a man attractive so, no, you do not need to ‘settle’ in your 40’s or 20’s or 60’s. We all need to stop listening to people who tell us to settle. I remember an ex telling me (when I was 20😱) that women in New York were more likely to be run over by a bus than to get married if they were single at 29🙄🙄🙄🤔

That reminds me of this hilarious song. But the missing the boat age isn't 29 it's 31!:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=H-gfxjAaZg0

My mum didn't meet her now husband until she was in her 40s

I don't think you should settle at all

When it comes to dating apps though, you miss out on so much about a person when all you have is a photograph and a bit of bio. I'd say maybe try not to close yourself off from some people that you think look alright, because you might meet them and think they're bloody wonderful.

I heard something on Woman's Hour a while ago about dating and dating apps, the women who went on it said they had a lot of bad dates. I was always rubbish at meeting people on apps, everyone I have ever been with I met through friends, but I suppose I was in my early 20s then and there's loads of single, immature, selfish men at that age hahaha

Alternatively, there if you don't find someone who cuts the mustard there really REALLY is nothing wrong with being single. Sometimes I fantasise about my single days 🤣 I am 6 months deep with very little sleep with a baby and a partner who gets on my nerves at the moment. I miss the days when I'd just chill with my cats