Do you have to settle when looking for love in your 40's?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I've finally decided that I'm ready to date. I have a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable idiots (previous to having my dd). Since having my child I realise I want something different, ideally someone kind and loving. I've joined a few dating apps, but the majority of men on there are 😱

I'm not saying I'm a super model, but I look after myself and would still like someone I'm attracted to but with the qualities I'm looking for. Do I have to settle because all the decent men are married?!

If it helps, I was 42 when I met the love of my life on Tinder! A year on and we are engaged to be married. He’s sexy as Hell (that’s not me being partial - everybody says it) and my heart still skips a little every time I see him. And he’s not a perfect human being of course, but he’s very like me - in fact I never hoped to find anybody as like myself than he is! But a stronger, more competent version of myself. My parents and my child think he’s great, and perfect for me. And he adores me - he looks at me like he can’t believe he has found something so perfect! (I’m really just an ordinary little woman. And a bit of knob to boot!)

It was my previous relationships I now see I settled in. This one is the real deal. If I’d known it was possible for me to be with someone so wonderful, I’d definitely have held out for it! X

You’re talking about ‘settling’ when you’ve not yet tried dating?

At present you’re just looking into online dating and the men on the site(s) don’t appeal?

I've been on and off the dating apps for 4 yrs. I've had a 9mth and 18mth relationship, a few that lasted around a month and a lot of first and only dates. Overall it's been fun. The key is to stay in control. Keep evaluating and if someone doesn't meet your needs, move on - never settle.
If looks are highly important to you then don't compromise but keep an open mind. Most men are crap at taking selfies. The guy I'm dating atm looks awful in his pics (squinting into the sun) but in real life is quite good looking.

@Lovelydiscusfish

Thanks for sharing that & congratulations to you on finding the love of your life. I hold out hope that some day I will too.

My grandmother remarried at 61 and 79 so I've always assumed you can just keep on dating!

I love these stories! They give me such hope!

OP lots of us on here are married to guys you would probably think are great in first few years and totally fit the bill— thing is there are plenty of em who a few years down the line will end up divorced /unpartnered for all kinds of reasons (some of which may not bother you) and this has always been the case— it’s like finding a nice house to buy in an area you like— there may not be much on the market so you might have to do a lot of viewings, but it only takes 1 but you won’t find one at all unless you do those viewings/take that risk.

Absolutely don't settle. I met my, now dh, in my late 40s and I think he's wonderful. I'd rather be single than settle for a mediocre relationship

Absolutely don't settle. I met my, now dh, in my late 40s and I think he's wonderful. I'd rather be single than settle for a mediocre relationship

I love everything about this sentence as it gives me hope and it strengthens my resolve to stay single unless I find someone great.

And don’t forget that all those things that you think about the men you see online, those men are looking at your profile and possibly thinking something similar about you,

Definitely don’t settle.
Made that mistake with my husband. Currently sorting out the divorce!

I’d love to be in a happy relationship and tbh a bit of bedroom action would be very welcome, but not at the cost of something that isn’t 100% right. I’m realistic about what I want (someone with similar morals and intelligence rather than drop dead gorgeous and rich), but would far rather be happily single than in a relationship and resentful or irritated!

@Cherryblossom200

I do love myself and happy on my own. I've really been on my own for over 10 years, I don't count the time with my ex as being in a relationship 😂 so I'm definitely comfortable on my own. I have great friends and an active social life. My ground work is there if that makes sense.

I've not prioritised a relationship until now, because I feel it's time for me now to have someone in my life. I would like it, but don't feel I have to have it. I'm definitely not desperate. If anything I'm so comfortable on my own, that it's going to be a shock to get into another relationship. Im not used to it at all, that's part of the problem! x

It sounds like the things you critique some of your previous boyfriends about are sort of how you are yourself, i.e being very independent, self sufficient, not wanting to be 'settled'. Something to think about maybe. Do you maybe think that unless they are 'all in' it means their feelings aren't strong enough? Maybe it's just that they are like you and a relationship is just one part of a full life.