To feel like it’s all a waste of time? AIBU?

[UnknownBestu]

I’m 37 so no spring chicken. When I met DP coming up to a year ago, I was clear that I wanted to settle down and think about a future, he said he wanted the same things too and he just hadn’t found it yet because his relationships tend to break down due to work. We had a chat about this and he constantly reassured me that he wanted all that with someone and was ready for it, even said if he had kids now by accident then he would be happy about it as he was more than ready.

Anyway…the months have passed and I can definitely see how his relationships have failed due to his work. He works very long hours and there’s no doubt his job is of huge importance to him. He repeatedly tells me that nearly all his free time is spent with me and I think that is true. Most days I feel incredibly lucky to have finally found someone I love this much and am so compatible with. We enjoy the same things and time together is so easy.

I just need more from him now. I’m 37 (and 2 months). He’s 40. Both financially secure and have our own homes, it would be easy for one of us to move to the other. There’s no way he could see this as a money advantage to me (ie a sponger) as I have my own money and often treat us etc. But when I last mentioned it he seemed completely non committal about it. Said he did see it in the future but didn’t know when, probably after a year or so.

I was asked out yesterday to have a lunch with someone on Saturday and part of me now wants to go. I love my partner but I am now starting to wonder what’s going on. If I ask about it he just says he loves me and of course he wants that but he likes slow and steady and not to rush things. I’m not in a massive rush but I would rather find out now than in a year if it’s awful living together.

I went through a phase of wanting to try and drive the relationship a lot, talking about moving in every so often and wanting to feel close to him, we spoke a lot. Something has changed in me as I feel like it’s all a waste of time now…either commit to me and show me you want this to progress or stop the weekly couple of nights together and nightly phone calls. It seems pointless. Today has been the first day in our relationship where I woke up and just thought what’s the point in suggesting a film or a night away or even messaging him today when he sees me as so detached from his life? For context we’ve seen each other every week since the day we met and I’ve been consistent, caring and understanding about his work since day one. Part of me feels I now deserve better from him. I really love him so it feels rubbish but I just don’t know what to do.

Just to clarify, when you are talking about a future are children part of that? Because I can see why you want to move things forward if that’s the case due to your respective ages. However I do think under a year it’s quite quick to be thinking of moving in but that’s just me.

I think the bigger issue is his workaholic tendencies. Even if you did move in i don’t think it would solve the problem as instead of being frustrated you only get a few nights a week with him, you’d be frustrated you moved in with him but barely had any quality time together as he was always working.

And if you did want to add kids into that mix sounds like you’d be very much doing most of the parenting.

If all his relationships have failed because he is so focused in work and again you are having the same issue, and he is 40 now…I can’t see it changing. It sounds like he likes to have relationships but he loves his work and will always love that more and prioritise that first.

If you were very clear at the beginning about wanting to settle down and have DC, and nothing has changed at all in over a year, then I do think you have cause for concern. But a year is quite a short length of time to get to know someone if you are not living with them. On the other hand, at 37, you don't have time to waste if you want to raise a family. It's difficult.

Maybe you just need to be straight with your partner and say you are sure you want to take this relationship forward but as he doesn't seem to be , and you have been asked out to lunch by someone else, is there is a reason you shouldn't go?

I must admit there do seem to be quite a lot of male DPS on Mumsnet atm who are non-commital types. They have the luxury of time that women do not. I think they are going for the George Clooney model of settling down in their late forties and having DC in their early fifties with women at least a decade younger than themselves.

If you're contemplating going out with someone else and didn't shut the idea down immediately you already have your answer.
This relationship isn't right for you. It doesn't matter if he loves you or what words he uses if he's actions don't reflect that.

Is he a chef?

Thanks for replies. @SilverRoe yes we talked about that too. His workaholic tendencies don’t actually bother me so much. I just want to feel that the relationship is going somewhere. He can work all the hours he wants for all I care!

@Velcropaws yeah I feel like I’m just not at a point in my life where I want to have to drag someone’s feet to do something. I’ve been nothing but supportive of his work, we get on great, he tells me he’s happy. Something just changed in me today though. He’s working all weekend again (no issues there, he told me in advance). But he has someone who loves him, understands and respects his job, who he says he loves too… and yet we are living apart with no signs to change that

Im really sad about it as I honestly thought he was the right one for me. I’ve never been so happy. But I would rather be a bit less happy and more secure with someone I think

I reread your post and i’d be very wary of anyone who meets someone new and at the age of around 40 would glibly say they’d be fine if kids happened by accident as they were ready - yet so far had been unable to sustain a relationship due to their work. To me, again that would show they never really planned to do much active parenting and they had not thought what having kids through meant. To say it so easily and to say you are ready for commitment etc is so easy at the beginning of a relationship and very few men like this are going to admit that actually they don’t plan to change and their new love interest should expect to come second all the time. But this is his MO, he told you what it was and let you think you could be the one he changed for, rather than changing himself and getting a healthier work life balance.

And you’re ok with workaholic tendencies now. But how would you feel in five years you’re doing most of the housework and parenting and there’s never any real family time? Would you want that for a child? Or to say get married and not have children but know you’ll never be the priority you’ll always take a backseat to work? Him working all the hours he wants sounds fine until you confront that in reality year in and year out.

@SilverRoe

And you’re ok with workaholic tendencies now. But how would you feel in five years you’re doing most of the housework and parenting and there’s never any real family time? Would you want that for a child? Or to say get married and not have children but know you’ll never be the priority you’ll always take a backseat to work? Him working all the hours he wants sounds fine until you confront that in reality year in and year out.

@SilverRoe I know it probably sounds crazy to most people but I would be fine with that arrangement. I have no issue with it. I just want the stability of a home with someone and share a life like that. I love him and have always accepted his job and would continue to do so. I know I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that may be in reality but it’s something I would take on. I’m very independent and have friends and family around me for that sort of support. I think this is what hurts me the most actually, that I would happily have this lifestyle with him so he could have his time dedicated to work like it always has been, yet he isn’t even interested in pushing things forward with me

I think be straight with him that you need more commitment, and if you want children you need to be trying pretty soon. Because you’ve got time for one but do you have time for two?

Allow him to think about it and respond. You never know. But you may need to break up at that point. I’m sorry.

@pjani it’s so frustrating as he will call sometimes at 9pm and we will be on the phone until midnight. We seem happy together. But I don’t want teenage phone calls. I want to share my life with someone. Example is he sent a link late last night and the first time ever I’ve not even bothered to open it…I don’t even care. I don’t want links to videos or songs, I want a key to a shared house and chats about the future. I feel irritated but also know it’s not his fault if he just doesn’t feel the same

Less than a year and you’re already anxious about living together. I think it’s ok if he wants to wait another year, it’s too soon. He’s just being cautious and you can’t fault him for that. But if it doesn’t work for you then you probably need to move on. Plus how different will it be to live together when he’s rarely home anyway? Sharing a house together won’t change that and it won’t necessarily make your relationship any more legit than it is now.

I would go for lunch with the other guy and see how it goes.

This one you're with doesn't want to live with you. He's happy with his phone calls and the occasional meet up. You want different things. I bet at 50 he'd be in the same position, given a free choice.

Tbh in your thirties you should know what you want.

If after a year you're not on the same page it's because you want different things, or at least in vastly different timelines.

I would probably be feeling exactly the same. DH & I were in our 30s when we started dating and by the end of the first year we were making quite concrete plans, even if we hadn't actually moved in yet. It definitely felt like there was momentum.

If there's no momentum, and you want kids, then I would be thinking about my options.

@ElspethFlashman yeah I think that’s what it is. If we said let’s discuss it more and how it might work in autum or winter that would be different. I would be much calmer.

I feel annoyed with him and also conflicted because that’s possibly a bit unfair. He doesn’t have to want to live with me after all.

@HollowTalk I think I will. Just feel a bit gutted as I really was hopeful about this one! I would have happily moved in with him and never seen another man again.

@sunnyzweibrucken that’s true, it wouldn’t be that different in practice but it would be a step forward for us. I am getting sick of the links to videos and check ins each day, long phone calls but no actual real commitment beyond that. I feel like it’s a waste as I was more than ready to say that’s it, he’s the right one for me. If at 40 he’s still dithering then I can see him always doing that. As much as I hate admitting it to myself

I think this morning was a bit of a wake up call for me. I love him and sending short texts and having long phone calls feels ridiculous at our ages after being together for a year.

If you're thinking about going for lunch ( effectively a date) while still with your boyfriend, you're clearly not the happiest you've ever been, and you may as well split.

To the posters saying to go, do you condone men cheating on their girlfriends as quickly?

It sounds like it’s not working for you.

If you are even contemplating going out with another man, this relationship is over.

Sorry to be blunt OP but sounds like you have a fixed idea in your head about what relationship you want and he is not fulfilling it. He has a different focus to you and you sound a bit like you don't mind who it is that fulfils your relationship goals - you just want them fulfilled. I don't think that's what a relationship should be - moulding a partner to fit in with your plans.
Also if you contemplating going on a date with someone else you should do the decent thing and split up first.

@NCforsafety

Sorry to be blunt OP but sounds like you have a fixed idea in your head about what relationship you want and he is not fulfilling it. He has a different focus to you and you sound a bit like you don't mind who it is that fulfils your relationship goals - you just want them fulfilled. I don't think that's what a relationship should be - moulding a partner to fit in with your plans. Also if you contemplating going on a date with someone else you should do the decent thing and split up first.

@NCforsafety yeah I think there’s an element of that…I would be happy to settle down and if someone wants to share that then I would be interested in pursuing it.

But that said, I dated a lot before DP and couldn’t be bothered to take things further despite a lot of effort from plenty of men. I think with DP it’s more that I feel I’ve found someone I really love and so I want life to start together as soon as we can. And it would be simple for us to do that from a practical perspective.

As for wanting to go on a date @OnceTheyDid it’s more that I feel DP simply doesn’t want to have a full relationship with me, so i may as well take that at face value than push back on it all. He’s happy meeting intermittently and spending a lot of time on the phone…it’s not a commitment despite him saying he is committed

OP maybe you should show him this thread? Sometimes us seeing things written down in black and white makes our brains react in far more spontaneous, instinctive and natural ways. Maybe this would make him evaluate whether he needs/wants to be more committed and maybe it's a clear piss or get off the pot situation?

@NCforsafety

OP maybe you should show him this thread? Sometimes us seeing things written down in black and white makes our brains react in far more spontaneous, instinctive and natural ways. Maybe this would make him evaluate whether he needs/wants to be more committed and maybe it's a clear piss or get off the pot situation?

@NCforsafety yeah I feel like its getting to that point. I’m just really flat about it today. I’m usually very engaged in the relationship, so even if he’s working long hours like he will this weekend, I’d email a film idea over for when we next see each other, or I would send him a book in the post because we are apart for a little while etc. This morning I woke up t the link he had sent to something I would find funny and I just felt different. I don’t want to message back and forth like this, I want to be sharing a home. I don’t know what’s come over me but I think I’ve shown him repeatedly that I am consistent and understanding about his work and so using that as a way to keep me at a distance doesn’t really wash. A link and a two line text doesn’t cut it. He’s 40 ffs.

Sounds like you've reached a boundary here OP, you feel committed and want to move forward and are no longer happy to continue as things are and that's absolutely fine.

I don't think at your ages, especially if you want children, after having a lot of dating experience and knowing what you want that progressing after a year is too hasty.

It's obv equally fine if your partner doesn't want that but as you say, look at his history. Who's to say he will want that in a year. I would suggest listening to your own reactions here. You've done the dating, chatting, sharing funny links etc stage and have got to know each other. This is now becoming frustrating for you so don't let it putter on indefinitely.

I've met a lot of self sufficient, somewhat self centred (not saying in an unpleasant way) professional men who have told me pretty similar things to 'I'm ready to settle down, etc etc' in the first instance but it has become apparent after a few months they don't have it in them to compromise in any way and are much happier as they are, as they don't have anything like the same time pressure to have a family. They're not terrible people or anything but I would certainly not work to their timescales at my expense.

I think after a year you should have a conversation about this where you lay out what you want, not just bringing up living together and see what he says. If he agrees enthusiastically then great. If it's a 'not yet' or feels like you're dragging him then I'd consider cutting your losses and having lunch with the other guy. Re him, is there something special about the prospect of lunch with him that has brought all this to a head for you?

Sorry, I think I've inferred you want children, you've not said it outright. That would be the main driver for me in being quite clear cut here, but your feelings of wanting more and being unfulfilled as things are are just as valid if you don't want kids, just maybe with the luxury of a bit more time to wait.

Op, how do you think he would react if you responded to one of the video links with a straight-up text to the effect of:

"Thank you but I am not in the mood for messages tonight. Getting a bit sick of them tbh. We are no longer teenagers and I would prefer to see you in person."

Op, I hate to say this, but you can trust him I assume? You don't think he has another girlfriend locally? Why is he keeping you at a distance and then can be available to talk for hours on the phone of an evening? It sounds a bit strange to me. Are you sure those aren't the evenings his "other" gf is away?

Assuming it is "just" his work that is keeping him apart from you and not infidelity or some deep-seated emotional issues (unusual for him to have not settled down at 40 yrs), and assuming he is not a control freak of the highest order, do you really want to make a life with a man from whom you will be constantly "begging for crumbs" as it were? My overall take on this , fwiw, is that it shouldn't be this hard only thirteen months in.

Honestly? I'd be going on that lunch if I were you! Screw it. Why should he solely dictate what is going on between you, and why do you have to accept his lead on things? He has not exactly offered you undying commitment has he? And he told you at the beginning that previous gfs had broken up with him over his working hours and yet he has done absolutely nothing to change his behaviour with you. So it's not as if he couldn't predict what would happen and your current dissatisfaction. Look at his actions, not his words. Tbh, that could have been his way of warning you then what he was like and saying "take it or leave it".

In your shoes I would send the message suggested above and tell him you are accepting a lunch invitation with another man this Saturday. Tell him nothing will happen beyond lunch (and stick to that). But if he wants you, he had better make it clear, because you will not be waiting around any longer for him to declare undying love!

Go for it op! You deserve better!

Op I could have written your post, I’m slightly older than you and further along..it doesn’t get easier, I feel very very sad and torn with it like you probably do. How do you feel after some of the replies?