Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel like it’s all a waste of time? AIBU?

67 replies

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 09:24

I’m 37 so no spring chicken. When I met DP coming up to a year ago, I was clear that I wanted to settle down and think about a future, he said he wanted the same things too and he just hadn’t found it yet because his relationships tend to break down due to work. We had a chat about this and he constantly reassured me that he wanted all that with someone and was ready for it, even said if he had kids now by accident then he would be happy about it as he was more than ready.

Anyway…the months have passed and I can definitely see how his relationships have failed due to his work. He works very long hours and there’s no doubt his job is of huge importance to him. He repeatedly tells me that nearly all his free time is spent with me and I think that is true. Most days I feel incredibly lucky to have finally found someone I love this much and am so compatible with. We enjoy the same things and time together is so easy.

I just need more from him now. I’m 37 (and 2 months). He’s 40. Both financially secure and have our own homes, it would be easy for one of us to move to the other. There’s no way he could see this as a money advantage to me (ie a sponger) as I have my own money and often treat us etc. But when I last mentioned it he seemed completely non committal about it. Said he did see it in the future but didn’t know when, probably after a year or so.

I was asked out yesterday to have a lunch with someone on Saturday and part of me now wants to go. I love my partner but I am now starting to wonder what’s going on. If I ask about it he just says he loves me and of course he wants that but he likes slow and steady and not to rush things. I’m not in a massive rush but I would rather find out now than in a year if it’s awful living together.

I went through a phase of wanting to try and drive the relationship a lot, talking about moving in every so often and wanting to feel close to him, we spoke a lot. Something has changed in me as I feel like it’s all a waste of time now…either commit to me and show me you want this to progress or stop the weekly couple of nights together and nightly phone calls. It seems pointless. Today has been the first day in our relationship where I woke up and just thought what’s the point in suggesting a film or a night away or even messaging him today when he sees me as so detached from his life? For context we’ve seen each other every week since the day we met and I’ve been consistent, caring and understanding about his work since day one. Part of me feels I now deserve better from him. I really love him so it feels rubbish but I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2021 20:47

Do you go round his house OP frequently? Have you been on holiday together, weekends away etc , because what @Velcropaws said crossed my mind too.

Original poster

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 20:57

Unfortunately what @Velcropaws has suggested isn’t the case - it would be easier if it was I think! He’s definitely single. I’ve been to his house lots @Crikeyalmighty

We have been away together. I’ve been back to the area where he grew up. I don’t think there’s anything suspicious going on at all.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation sorry you are going through something similar.

I don’t want to face another break up, especially with this one. I thought we were for keeps I think if I stay with him it will be a long and bumpy road though. And who wants to drag someone into a relationship with them. It’s shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 20:57

Sorry @Ifets not @EvenMoreFuriousVexation regarding being in the same position!

OP posts:

Ifets · 19/08/2021 21:23

@UnknownBestu honestly I’m in exactly the same boat. Partner who future faked and only now am I clicking, now I’m emotionally drawn in, I’m live with him and can’t imagine being with anyone else. It’s a real crappy feeling isn’t it??

Original poster

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 21:27

@Ifets how did you get him to live with you? 😂

Yes it’s rubbish. I feel unwanted so much of the time. When we are together it’s great.

OP posts:

PaddyPadster · 19/08/2021 21:37

Have you told him outright that you want kids? I couldn’t stand the dithering, if you definitely want children OP you need to have the discussion ASAP. If he isn’t interested then you need to be finding someone else, it’s alright for him he’s got plenty of fertile years left!

ShitShop · 19/08/2021 21:45

I’m in a similar position but 10 years down the line!! However we both have children so moving in together wasn’t as simple as that. If he was child free and uncomplicated there’s no way I’d have let it drift this long tbh. But I totally get what you mean about a funny link or a two line text. I often get to a “what’s the fucking point moment” when I’ve sent him something and he hasn’t read it and then at 11pm I get a 3 word good night text. That’s not a partnership.

I don’t know what the answer is. Having read the whole thread I couldn’t see if you’d mentioned children anywhere. If you’re planning to have them please cut him loose ASAP and freeze some eggs, just in case. He may be happy to take it slowly and take each day as it comes etc but women don’t have that luxury

Original poster

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 21:50

@PaddyPadster yes we’ve talked about that. He says it’s only been a year but of course that’s in his plan.

OP posts:

AlbertBridge · 19/08/2021 21:56

Just back off, as you're naturally doing. He'll sense the change.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2021 22:01

Got to be honest OP, my H is very professionally focussed but we were in our 30s, it was my 2nd marriage , I moved in after 5 months and we were married within 13 months and TTC almost immediately. I tend to find guys of 35 plus either won’t commit at all or go the other way if they are super keen. I would come right to the point , I know someone who dilly dallied around with an uncommitted man till she was 40 and then they split anyway—

Original poster

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 22:04

Yeah I agree @Crikeyalmighty that is my experience too. Obviously it’s a tricky time at the one year point because it’s arguably still not that far in. Even having backed off a little the last few days I’ve noticed a shift in his contact a little. More affectionate etc. He’s definitely not a game player, his head is just always in work. But it’s a shame it’s taken me stepping back a bit to get that from him. Obviously nice to get it but also don’t think it bodes well as I would rather be able to be fully invested in someone and have them behave in a similar way at all times.

OP posts:

AlbertBridge · 19/08/2021 22:05

Basically you've given him more than enough of yourself - with the 3-hour calls, the books, the conversations about the future - and he's satiated.

If you want to motivate a person into changing a situation, you have to ensure that the situation doesn't fulfil them as it is.

So give him less than he wants. All the time. Less.

The way you're currently behaving is like a Ferrari dealer trying to sell cars by letting people borrow them whenever they like. Then throwing in the occasional, "Are you sure you wouldn't rather buy this? It's fine if you don't want to! You can still drive it whenever you want, and I won't let anyone else drive it. But I was just thinking it might be nice if you bought it. Please. But ok if not. Whatever you want, really."

Original poster

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 22:11

@AlbertBridge oh my gosh! That is like a big neon message to me that’s exactly it, isn’t it.

I have almost literally sometimes, given him everything he wanted and needed on a plate. I’m ALWAYS there for him. Always supportive. Always wanting to meet. Always willing to drive to him. Always interested in taking about the future.

All this time I thought I was being a brilliant partner when in actual fact I was letting him have all of me regardless of whether he invested.

I don’t want to play games but your post makes so much sense. And in fact in times where he has had less… ie because I’ve been busy and unable to be as present as I usually would be… he suddenly has more to give.

I’m an idiot.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 22:16

@AlbertBridge he’s not a game player either. He’s just always has his head in work. Probably too much so to properly have a relationship. But what you said is true of most things in life isn’t it.

OP posts:

lovingtheheat · 19/08/2021 22:26

I was in this position but was younger. Having discussed in the first year what we. both hoped for, 3 years in (I was 32, he was 38) he decided there was lots he hadn't done and he was no longer sure if he wanted to get married or have kids.

I was like you and became quite detached and having mulled things over broke up with him. A few months later he apologised (I didn't roll over straight away. I wasn't game playing but I was hurt). Long story short he proposed about 6 months later. 10 years later he still calls himself an idiot for waiting.

I'm not recommending an ultimatum, but you need to really think about what you want and need as you can't torture yourself in the limbo you're currently in.

If you're really willing to walk away at this point, it might be worth laying your cards on the table. If you want kids though you need to make your expectations timing wise clear as there is no guarantee you'll be successful immediately.

Original poster

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 23:19

@lovingtheheat it’s strange as I do think he really cares. I really do. I think he’s just so used to this way of life that he doesn’t know (or isn’t willing) to navigate it into a new realm. I just don’t have the patience to deal with it all. We spoke tonight and he was non committal about a trip back to see his parents that we had talked about (really nice place and a mini break for us as we’d stay in a hotel nearby). I know he wants to go, he just feels stressed about work. How do you change a man like that who’s got to 40 and always been that way?!

I wouldn’t want to give him an ultimatum but I do think if I gave up trying so much he’d take notice.

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 19/08/2021 23:39

Just wondering why you are indulging him with all these long phone calls? He's not getting the chance to miss you.
Maybe you could arrange things so that if he wants to talk to you it has to be in person.

Original poster

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 23:43

@DelphiniumBlue mostly because he works long hours so if we don’t see each other it’s a chance to catch up. I agree though. I made the mistake of doing it again tonight.

OP posts:

SixesAndEights · 19/08/2021 23:59

Relationships need to progress. You have been stuck at this current stage for a while, and he seems happy with it. I'd be frustrated too, and I think that the fact you're wondering about going for a meal and can't be bothered opening links, and don't really want the phonecalls any more says you're not as committed to this relationship as you once were.

I would always take with a pinch of salt men who say yes, they want children etc. Even if they believe they mean it at the time, many men are too welded to their workaholic lives to really want to change that in any way.

If you're still invested in this man, pull right back, and at some point in the near future talk to him about your dissatisfaction. If nothing much changes after that (not what he says, what he actually does), then maybe time to call it a day.

FallingStar21 · 20/08/2021 00:01

In his 40's he is probably already too set in his ways. He could tell you it was his work that drove his previous girlfriends away but whatever the reason every single relationship of his failed? Could be that some of the GFs were fine with his work just like you are now, but got tired of being strung along with false future promises.. And fine, work is clearly a priority to him, but so are you. Or should be. So tell him how you feel openly. If he really loves you the way he's been telling you he does, well why should it be so hard to get to the next stage? 1 year is plenty of "dating" time, there is virtually no reason for you to not try live together, esp. at your ages. And what's another year of the same "dating" going to change?

Fwiw, I've had a similar experience, where the man (from the very get go!) claimed to be looking for The One, committment, children, you name it. His words. Actions completely the opposite and I am fairly certain he never actually wanted to live with anyone, much less have children! Yep, he is in his late 40's now, never married and no children, and still "looking for the one", with a long list of failed relationships behind him. I just feel sorry for all the women he must have strung along.

MNmonster · 20/08/2021 00:11

I doubt he's going to change OP. It sounds like work is his priority. You know what you want and he is not going to provide you with that. It is time to walk away and go and get what you do want.

Hyppogriff · 20/08/2021 00:27

Do you want kids as that would be the swinger for me at 37. If you stick it out with him another couple years and ultimately he doesn’t turn out to be what you wanted him to be you could well have lost your chance at kids forever and that will only hurt you, not him

RevolvingPivot · 20/08/2021 00:44

Op my husband works a lot. He's in the military so away for months at a time, we still moved in together, got married and had kids. I don't think him working a lot has anything to do with it?!

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 20/08/2021 01:00

It's like he is keeping you at arm's length and there is only the illusion of a relationship with the links, memes and calls.

If you can talk for 3 hours on the phone, why wouldn't you meet up in person for those 3 hours?

He only wants a relationship on his terms - his terms being dictating by his job. His job comes first and always will.

Cloudfrost · 20/08/2021 02:46

@AlbertBridge

Omfg that's the smartest metaphor I ve ever read in my life!!

Thank you for this, it's definitely gonna change the way I act around people!!!

Flip

1 2 3