To feel like it’s all a waste of time? AIBU?

[UnknownBestu]

I’m 37 so no spring chicken. When I met DP coming up to a year ago, I was clear that I wanted to settle down and think about a future, he said he wanted the same things too and he just hadn’t found it yet because his relationships tend to break down due to work. We had a chat about this and he constantly reassured me that he wanted all that with someone and was ready for it, even said if he had kids now by accident then he would be happy about it as he was more than ready.

Anyway…the months have passed and I can definitely see how his relationships have failed due to his work. He works very long hours and there’s no doubt his job is of huge importance to him. He repeatedly tells me that nearly all his free time is spent with me and I think that is true. Most days I feel incredibly lucky to have finally found someone I love this much and am so compatible with. We enjoy the same things and time together is so easy.

I just need more from him now. I’m 37 (and 2 months). He’s 40. Both financially secure and have our own homes, it would be easy for one of us to move to the other. There’s no way he could see this as a money advantage to me (ie a sponger) as I have my own money and often treat us etc. But when I last mentioned it he seemed completely non committal about it. Said he did see it in the future but didn’t know when, probably after a year or so.

I was asked out yesterday to have a lunch with someone on Saturday and part of me now wants to go. I love my partner but I am now starting to wonder what’s going on. If I ask about it he just says he loves me and of course he wants that but he likes slow and steady and not to rush things. I’m not in a massive rush but I would rather find out now than in a year if it’s awful living together.

I went through a phase of wanting to try and drive the relationship a lot, talking about moving in every so often and wanting to feel close to him, we spoke a lot. Something has changed in me as I feel like it’s all a waste of time now…either commit to me and show me you want this to progress or stop the weekly couple of nights together and nightly phone calls. It seems pointless. Today has been the first day in our relationship where I woke up and just thought what’s the point in suggesting a film or a night away or even messaging him today when he sees me as so detached from his life? For context we’ve seen each other every week since the day we met and I’ve been consistent, caring and understanding about his work since day one. Part of me feels I now deserve better from him. I really love him so it feels rubbish but I just don’t know what to do.

OP you realise that a relationship is 50% about you and not just pandering to him? To me it sounds like you're trying to be the perfect person so that he will want you.

However that isn't the way it should work. You need to be yourself and have your own demands and wishes and needs met. I don't think you're fine about him being a workaholic, I think you're forcing yourself to be fine with it.

I wouldn't go on a date whilst you're with someone though. I would have a frank discussion with your bf and from now on start being more yourself and not worrying that you're going to put him off.

Sakurami is right. You seem to be bending over backwards to be cool with his job, cool with phonecalls, cool with even the suggestions of future him not pulling his weight on housework and being a hands off dad.

It's like you are scared asking for a normal relationship with give and take is too much and are squeezing your needs and expectations into a small box with gift wrap and a ribbon and he's still ambivalent about whether it might be too much bother to pick you up.

Don't hunch yourself up like that for him (or the next one). If your key selling point is that your needs are undemanding and you have low expectations then you will attract someone who doesn't want to put the effort into the relationship.

If having children is your priority, consider becoming a solo mum by donor and take the time pressure off of finding a partner.

This sounds like my very recent ended relationship.. you have hope then the hope gets smashed apart and feelings do when reality hits that this isn’t going anywhere. Three years later I have realised this

@DelphiniumBlue

Just wondering why you are indulging him with all these long phone calls? He's not getting the chance to miss you. Maybe you could arrange things so that if he wants to talk to you it has to be in person.

Completely agree. It goes back to the brilliant Ferrari analogy earlier (I loved it and will use it myself....if I ever meet someone 😂)

Some nights why don't you just tell him you're going out with a friend or doing a hobby and won't be free to chat every time it suits him. If he asks just say you're getting a bit bored and lonely sitting in your house alone waiting to speak to him on the phone as it's not the same as seeing someone IRL

or maybe chat to him for 10-20 mins and say something like "oh I need to go, I'm going to see X film at the cinema, been wanting to see it for ages" - maybe then he'll make the effort when he doesn't have you on his plate

I'm not a big fan of playing games so I wouldn't even see it like that. You just need to work on filling your evenings and weekends with things you want to do for you. This will make you happier anyway and you'll feel less like you're at his beck and call. It's not game playing, it's just getting on with your life and not waiting around accommodating someone else who's not prioritising you

@AlbertBridge is right, if I thought it would do any good I’d quote it to my partner. Unfortunately I’ve done the walking away and hoping less time will help, it didn’t and I sadly just accepted it all. Your gut should tell you when things aren’t right as awful as that feels.

He's just not that into you. The very small chunks of time commitment that you get from him are to placate you, not to build a relationship with you. He's keeping you as an option. Tell him that you want to end this dead-end relationship and then go on that date.

Me again! I did back off from mine, lack of messaging, changing plans, not going with everything he wanted and it didn’t do me any good. Mine is ex treat stubborn and just let me get on with it. I don’t know why I’ve been such a bloody doormat. I do live him very much but it’s clear he’s a spoilt child whic wants what he wants and if you don’t fall into place then it’s all your own fault as ‘it’s always been good’..no it’s just not been changed from the last time I moaned really.
You have to prepare yourself for the fact he may just let you walk away. Mine won’t care really as to wether he’s wrong, stupid or never going to see me again, he will just rationalise it in his head as my fault. These men you never win with.
Each time you do this and go back, they accept, things progress and they realise/think you’re ‘just having a moment’ because you love them you go back and carry on..I’m 5yrs down this cycle.
I wish you the best of luck it’s a very hard situation

I wouldn't handle this with an ultimatum, a Big Chat, or anything strenuous or emotional.

I'd simply reclassify him, from a Potential Husband, back down to a Boyfriend, and proceed accordingly.

Basically, treat him like someone who's nice but I'm not nuts about.

Spending all weekend together? No thanks. But having a fun date on a Friday or Saturday is fine.

Accepting last-minute dates? Nah. Because I'm not that bothered, I wouldn't have been holding evenings free in case he wanted to see me. So sometimes I'll be free, but sometimes not. And I'd never ever cancel anything (even a mundane event like a book club, macrame lesson or PTA meeting) to see him.

I wouldn't initiate anything, because I wouldn't be desperate to move him from the periphery of my life into the centre. I'd be fine as I was, seeing him sometimes (when he suggested something that sounded fun), but equally happy with not seeing him.

I'd never try to change his behaviour. Again, because it wouldn't be appropriate in a Boyfriend. I'd be more interested in seeing how he behaved towards me with no prompting, so I could decide if he was worth keeping around.

There'd be no drama, no chats, no angst. Just happy go lucky lightness.

And if he noticed the change - the unspoken reclassification- and mentioned it, I wouldn't talk about it. Just like I'd never want to get into Deep And Meaningfuls with a casual man. I'd simply say something vague like, "Huh? Oh, I've just been doing fun stuff with Sharon from Work; or I've been getting really into Chinese architecture; or I've been trying to read every book on my shelf starting with S..." then change the subject.

Tell your partner you intend to get pregnant in the next few months and see what he says.

In the meantime, go for lunch (it's only lunch) and see if there's a spark. If there is, then your current relationship is doomed anyway. Of course, you may be in the same position with the new man in a year ....

I'm old now, but I know too many of my peers who stayed with men who weren't sure about commitment. Many missed the children boat. And most of the men subsequently left and later met younger women and had the kids they weren't sure they wanted in their 30s.

Don't wait for him to be sure. Make your own decisions, and if he wants to fit in with you then fine. If not, no matter how much you think you love him, move on.

Yeah just back off more and more. He sounds set in his ways, be it work related or not.

I don’t see the point in backing off more and more. Just end it and be free to date other people.

@TurquoiseBaubles this..
Don't wait for him to be sure. Make your own decisions, and if he wants to fit in with you then fine. If not, no matter how much you think you love him, move on.
This is what I’m doing

@AlbertBridge you’re so right on what you say. I’ve decided as my partner who bailed on me when we only see each other weekends can carry on without me. I’m sad and angry and I think he knows that, but I’ll have far more satisfaction playing it the calm cool way ‘no I’m just quiet because you said you wanted ‘nothing’ so I did x y z

You don't want to give him an ultimatum but I think it's really what's needed. Give him the chance to see that your not happy with waiting any longer, he needs to shit or get off the pot!

He sounds a complete bore about his work. What does he do?

OP - you say you wouldn't mind doing all the housework and childcare but trust me, you would. You'd be knackered and resentful and frustrated.

If you're wanting to go to lunch with other people just end it.

Not that it's any of my business OP but did you go on the lunch date?