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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me to understand my boyfriends behaviour a little.

75 replies

Ididit83 · 18/08/2021 18:11

I love him to bits, I just wondered what if anything might be going on here. I don’t want to change him, maybe just some idea so I don’t do something to upset him.

He keeps absolutely everything, it really seems to upset him to throw things. Empty jars, plastic food packets, you name it he keeps it. He says he has a plan or a project but never actually gets around to doing anything. He has a long list of projects, buys things to do up but just end up in the shed or garage or house which is rather full. In the beginning I helped tidy up some bits thinking I was helping but I could tell it made him anxious. Especially at the thought I’d thrown stuff away.

He can sit and play games on his phone for hours or play with those spinners etc. His feet and hands are always tapping. He has things he has had for a long time which need throwing but he literally can’t as he says they are for comfort.

He can’t make a decision and seems really rather unnerved at trying.

He won’t try any new food, sticks to the same things he had since a child. He literally refuses point blank to eat anything outside of comfort zone.

Does this sound like anything?

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/08/2021 18:13

Asd baby , many traits
Sounds like my son (and me ex)

It’s not a problem per se , but worth reading up on it
And understanding the triggers

nimbuscloud · 18/08/2021 18:14

Hoarding for a start. Serious mental health issues.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2021 18:14

Does this sound like anything?

It's a nightmare, that's what it sounds like. Your boyfriend is a hoarder for starters, and that is just the tip of his iceberg.

Run for your life, op. There is no helping or fixing this man. He will drag you down right along with him.

choli · 18/08/2021 18:16

Run fast and run now.

Ididit83 · 18/08/2021 18:17

Oh I know I’ve mentioned those things but he is a really sweet person, very caring. I have and he has his own house and don’t think I could live with him.

OP posts:
Ididit83 · 18/08/2021 18:18

Why should I run? I’m no way near perfect myself.

OP posts:
ikeepseeingit · 18/08/2021 18:20

Hoarding and possibly autism? It’s incredibly difficult for us to say as unlicensed non professionals that have never met him and are going off your description. Is autism something he has looked into at all?

It’s okay if you decide you can’t cope living with a hoarder OP.

Anordinarymum · 18/08/2021 18:20

I think she means because it will only get worse in time.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2021 18:22

There is no future of any substance with this man. He a "really sweet" person if everything is going exactly the way he wants it, and you will always come in last place to his "idiosyncrasies." If that doesn't bother you, crack on. You're ignoring all the warning shots but that's your prerogative.

Whatinthelord · 18/08/2021 18:22

I’d suggest he goes to his GP and possibly asks for a referral to a mental health team.

Could he afford private mental health care?

You could offer to make an appointment with him
And go with him if you think that would help.

My experience through work, and personal life, is that people who horde usually have complex reasons for doing so, and often hording is symptomatic of an underlying issue/need.

Whatinthelord · 18/08/2021 18:23

I agree you need to think about how your future might look with him though. We all put up with little oddities about our partners but the hordeing especially could really limit the future you have together.

tiktok · 18/08/2021 18:23

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/hoarding-disorder/

Sounds like hoarding disorder - difficult to change. The other stuff sounds irritating but obv can’t be diagnosed here.

The hoarding would do it for me (as a reason to end it) to be honest. Unless he had other amazing qualities.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/08/2021 18:25

He's a hoarder. It's very very rare for a hoarder to seek help, often they destroy every relationship around them because people won't visit them and often have children removed because the home is that hazardous to health.

I believe it is a form of OCD. It often starts with a loss (often bereavement.)

Unless he wants to seek help (and seriously means it) I would leave now. Unless you are happy with just a casual not-cohabiting relationship where he only comes to yours.

Do not under any circumstances let him move in with you, he will soon start filling your place with crap.

Search the relationship board for "hoarder" or "hoarding" - trying to live with a hoarder is an exercise in misery.

Ididit83 · 18/08/2021 18:26

He doesn’t think he has a problem, he has never brought anything up but I can see that there appears to be issues with things.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2021 18:27

He doesn’t think he has a problem

Hoarders rarely do. Their hoard comes before everything and everyone in their lives.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/08/2021 18:27

This thread is depressing
So we should run away from nice people with mental health problems/ quirks and possible asd

I have no words

He isn’t abusive according to the OP

Horrible responses Sad

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2021 18:30

@Thisisworsethananticpated

This thread is depressing So we should run away from nice people with mental health problems/ quirks and possible asd

I have no words

He isn’t abusive according to the OP

Horrible responses Sad

A hoarders behaviour massively and negatively impacts their partner's lives. Living with a hoarder is untenable, and everyone is entitled to protect their own happiness and mental health.

Love is not enough to make a relationship work, and abuse is not the only acceptable reason to end it.

Ididit83 · 18/08/2021 18:32

Yes @Thisisworsethananticpated he is a lovely man and has supported me through a lot. I have ptsd and he has never once made me feel bad.

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 18/08/2021 18:32

I’d suggest he goes to his GP and possibly asks for a referral to a mental health team
This. But the fact he doesnt think he has a problem and if he wont seek help, you can do nothing and it will get worse. You could never live together. You could never have children.

He isn’t abusive according to the OP
Wow. ‘He isnt abusive’ should not be the standard benchmark for a relationship. Fuck sake.

JulesCobb · 18/08/2021 18:34

I have ptsd and he has never once made me feel bad
Again, this isn't a gold standard. This is very basic human decency.

Ididit83 · 18/08/2021 18:38

Where is he going to drag me? He has a house a good job good friends and family; we have a lot of mutual interests. I have no intention of moving him in or visa versa. I had a terrible divorce and not going down that root again of loosing what I have.

OP posts:
Lolabray · 18/08/2021 18:41

Hoarding and OCD are both mental health conditions and often the person is trying to control things in their life

Whatinthelord · 18/08/2021 18:41

@Ididit83

Where is he going to drag me? He has a house a good job good friends and family; we have a lot of mutual interests. I have no intention of moving him in or visa versa. I had a terrible divorce and not going down that root again of loosing what I have.
I think if you’re happy with a future where you continue living separately to then the hording might not be such an issue. I think it would be an issue for someone wanting to live with someone, have kids etc.
romdowa · 18/08/2021 18:47

Hording , anxiety, ocd.... it could be anything really. If are happy to deal with this then you have to accept that you probably won't change him and he could get worse. It just depends how you want your future to be. Do you want kids with him and living in the one house or are you content to live separately.

Ididit83 · 18/08/2021 18:53

I’m not too far off 40 and probably highly unlikely to have anymore kids.

Now I’m wondering why he feels the need to hoard. He seems anxious that he will need it and he won’t have it. There have been no significant events like bereavement and it appears he has been like this his whole life.

OP posts: