Help me to understand my boyfriends behaviour a little.

[Ididit83]

I love him to bits, I just wondered what if anything might be going on here. I don’t want to change him, maybe just some idea so I don’t do something to upset him.

He keeps absolutely everything, it really seems to upset him to throw things. Empty jars, plastic food packets, you name it he keeps it. He says he has a plan or a project but never actually gets around to doing anything. He has a long list of projects, buys things to do up but just end up in the shed or garage or house which is rather full. In the beginning I helped tidy up some bits thinking I was helping but I could tell it made him anxious. Especially at the thought I’d thrown stuff away.

He can sit and play games on his phone for hours or play with those spinners etc. His feet and hands are always tapping. He has things he has had for a long time which need throwing but he literally can’t as he says they are for comfort.

He can’t make a decision and seems really rather unnerved at trying.

He won’t try any new food, sticks to the same things he had since a child. He literally refuses point blank to eat anything outside of comfort zone.

Does this sound like anything?

I live with a hoarder. There are some MASSIVE generalisations going on here. His hoarding doesn't stem from any trauma, I just think he's inherited it from his mum who also can't throw anything away. He's similarly very sentimental about things but doesn't have any MH issues such as autism. He just really likes buying stuff, especially when bored or feeling vulnerable. When we met his house was an absolute tip but more due to carelessness and general messiness rather than anything else. Having someone caring for him and helping him to face up to things has changed him entirely although I have to keep an eye on things and make sure he's not keeping jam jars or boxes or buying crap for the sake of it. He's got big dreams and aspirations but little drive to do anything about achieving them although he's got a decent job etc. He's complex but no worse than other people's OHs - he's far more caring and loving than my ex who is completely batshit crazy and controlling. Don't be put off if you love him, OP. The hoarding is not necessarily the whole story. It's hard work sometimes but I never doubt that he loves me.

I'm not sure what you want out of this post. You've told us what's happening, people have told you of their concerns about his behaviour and the potential for impact on you, you've said no he's fine.

If you are happy with his hoarding tendencies and his indecisiveness then that's lovely.

@Purplewithred I wondered if there was a name or condition I could look into other then just hoarding. Someone mentioned ASD etc.

Jules that’s not what I meant and you know it

My sons like this
Really horrible thread

ADHD possibly, ASD, but does he find his behaviour a problem? I'm not sure it's very practical to try to convince a grown, solvent adult who lives alone to make major changes.

I recognised my DH somewhat from your description. He has had to change a bit due to living with me and DD. He definitely wouldn't have done left to his own devices.

I don’t want to change him at all, like he does me I accept him for who he is. He has so many amazing attributes. But It’s been only a year and I’m not in any mindset to move in etc. I don’t know if it’s something that will be hard as I’m still getting to know him. I have my own job money house so if it doesn’t work I won’t be worse off.

Just wondered really whether is was an actual, how to I word it …um mental illness perhaps or just sounds quirky. I have noticed lately that he seems anxious when I wanted to throw something. He took it out the bin, I hadn’t seen the anxiety before.

No he doesn’t see his behaviour as a problem and I haven’t said anything I can just sense it.

[quote Ididit83]@Purplewithred I wondered if there was a name or condition I could look into other then just hoarding. Someone mentioned ASD etc.[/quote]
The only way you/he would know if there was an underlying issue is by having proper assessment which would probably start with a visit to his GP.

As others have suggested, several things could be linked to this …ASD, trauma, anxiety….or the hording and anxiety could just exist in and of themselves. You’ll only ever get generalisations, personal experiences and suggestions from other posters.

As long as you're not hoping to live together and can enjoy the relationship as it is.

Hoarding is a MH problem www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/about-hoarding/ and it's really hard to "cure".

You'll need to have good strong boundaries, otherwise he may start filling your space as well as his own.

I just felt like the hoarding was a symptom of something else, the fact he literally can’t sit still, his hands need to be doing something at all times. He sleeps with music or sound on.

Sounds a bit like mine. Agree separate homes makes life alot easier.
He may well have all manner of potential diagnoses, but it's his nature and manner towards you that matters.
Mine goes through phases of 'collecting' , I do think sometimes it's about anxiety wanting the familiar. Other times about a new interest or so-called gap in an existing collection.
My parents rarely threw things away. I am similar, but prefer books & kitchen gear. Working on cutting down. So far, so good.
Maybe, introduce occasional clearouts/boundaries

Hoarding is often an offshoot of OCD, but is notoriously hard to treat and seems to get worse with age. I would not want to be with a hoarder, but you know your own circumstances best, just never ever let him move into yours, which he might want to do when his house is full. He will just fill your house too and make it unlivable.

This is your semi regular reminder that the vast majority of us are not psychologists or psychiatrists and, even if we were, it is completely inappropriate and unethical for us to try to diagnose people with really quite significant conditions without even meeting them, and making the assumption that the OP’s description of behaviours is accurate. I’m not saying they’re not, and I’m not saying he doesn’t have these or any other disorders, but you should really get him to talk to a GP with a view to accessing diagnosis and/or support.

Hoarding. OCD. ASD possibly also ADHD. Lots of co-morbidity between ASD/ADHD and also hoarding. My mum is a hoarder and I have just been dx’d with ADHD - pretty sure my mum has it too.

The restlessness and fidgeting definitely suggests ADHD to me. Does he have any thoughts on this himself?

@Ididit83

I just felt like the hoarding was a symptom of something else, the fact he literally can’t sit still, his hands need to be doing something at all times. He sleeps with music or sound on.

OP, do some googling and have a read up online of how ASD presents in adults. See whether any of that makes sense to you.

There's definite hoarding, potentially a result of mental health. The comfort zone stuff sounds like traits of autism too.

People like to pick and choose on here what people are worthy don’t they. If you have ptsd that’s ok. Pnd ok. Anything else and the comments are downright disgusting. ‘Run from him’? Why? Sure she can weigh it up and wonder whether it will work for her life plans but to tell her to run from him like he’s some kind of monster is bordering on groups I don’t want to mention here.

Apart from a loss, hoarding can also be inherited (whether nature or nurture unknown). My H had minor hoarding tendencies and my son is incredibly reluctant to throw things out. He goes through bins when I've had a clear out and drags out things, it's infuriating. (This is in my house, not his!) Part of it is learned behaviour from his dad. I don't think my H was a hoarder due to MH, I think it was a holdover from his childhood of abject poverty. When we moved to a smaller house he was happy to get a skip and he did fill it, something someone with hoarding as a MH problem would find incredibly difficult.

My son absorbed a lot of this but he also has anxiety and his dad died when son was 13 so it's almost a perfect storm.

OP have you visited his parents home(s)?

If you don't ever plan to cohabit with him or have children with him then by all means crack on, but I would have a conversation with him about his habits and see his he reacts. In the meantime I would certainly not try to "help" him by clearing shit out because you will massively trigger his anxiety. I would just say "I don't feel comfortable at your place, I feel claustrophobic. Let's just meet up at mine."

@Fustyoldface

People like to pick and choose on here what people are worthy don’t they. If you have ptsd that’s ok. Pnd ok. Anything else and the comments are downright disgusting. ‘Run from him’? Why? Sure she can weigh it up and wonder whether it will work for her life plans but to tell her to run from him like he’s some kind of monster is bordering on groups I don’t want to mention here.

Women are not rehab centres for broken men who don't even recognise that they have a problem (and vice versa obvs.)

Most people when starting a new committed relationship are looking long term to moving in together, a lot will want children. Untreated MH issues massively fuck up partners and especially children.

If someone acknowledges "I have ocd and I'm trying xyz to overcome it" then that's great. Because they can be honest with their partner and any kids involved and say "wow, sorry but what you did triggered my anxiety. I shouldn't have shouted /sulked. Could you please tell me before doing that again/I can't handle you doing that" or whatever is appropriate.

Nobody should feel obliged to stay in a relationship with a partner with MH issues that are negatively impacting on them purely because the person has MH issues.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation All of that ^^^

That’s the thing I have ptsd and parts of me are a bit ugly and if his friends eg said run from her I’d be devastated. I’m very understanding because I’ve been through a lot. He makes me feel extremely safe, I am open and talk about what triggers me and he has been nothing but sweet and understanding. His house is just a bloody mess tho and I did go in and try and tidy but it was definitely a mistake and I won’t do it without talking to him first. I just want to understand him better.

My dad hoards and it's horrendous. He's a very sad man beneath it all.

I don’t think I mentioned that he is negatively effecting my life. He has been nothing short of amazing for me. Whether it be long term or not he has played a part in making me feel alive again. I do however know my own issues and have done a lot of work to overcome them so I can tell him what I do and don’t like.

He doesn't sound like the monster some posters are trying to make him out to be. I have re read your post several times and he is not unkind. He is struggling with hoarding, liking routine and control. He can like all that AND be a good partner. Mumsnet sometimes has a very low threshold for ltb.
It could be autism/Asperger's/OCD/past trauma. Did he have money growing up? What was his past like? Often three behaviours stem from childhood.

I guess whether you want a diagnosis depends on if he does and whether his behaviour will impact you negatively or whether you are simply curious about whether he has an undiagnosed issue.