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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me to understand my boyfriends behaviour a little.

75 replies

Ididit83 · 18/08/2021 18:11

I love him to bits, I just wondered what if anything might be going on here. I don’t want to change him, maybe just some idea so I don’t do something to upset him.

He keeps absolutely everything, it really seems to upset him to throw things. Empty jars, plastic food packets, you name it he keeps it. He says he has a plan or a project but never actually gets around to doing anything. He has a long list of projects, buys things to do up but just end up in the shed or garage or house which is rather full. In the beginning I helped tidy up some bits thinking I was helping but I could tell it made him anxious. Especially at the thought I’d thrown stuff away.

He can sit and play games on his phone for hours or play with those spinners etc. His feet and hands are always tapping. He has things he has had for a long time which need throwing but he literally can’t as he says they are for comfort.

He can’t make a decision and seems really rather unnerved at trying.

He won’t try any new food, sticks to the same things he had since a child. He literally refuses point blank to eat anything outside of comfort zone.

Does this sound like anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ididit83 · 18/08/2021 22:44

He had a nice childhood, really lovely parents. They don’t really hoard, mum collects a little but not excessive at all. No trauma from what I can see.I am just curious really.

OP posts:
Imnewhere1991 · 18/08/2021 22:46

@Ididit83

He had a nice childhood, really lovely parents. They don’t really hoard, mum collects a little but not excessive at all. No trauma from what I can see.I am just curious really.
It may just be who he is and either you accept it or you don't I guess.
Original poster
Ididit83 · 18/08/2021 22:48

Yeah it could well be, nothing wrong with him at all. At the stage we are at it doesn’t negatively impact my life at all and he is the sweetest man with all his is. We shall see what happens then I guess.

OP posts:
Blackbird2020 · 18/08/2021 22:48

@Ididit83

I do however know my own issues and have done a lot of work to overcome them so I can tell him what I do and don’t like.

And that difference between you and him is what will be the death-knell of your relationship, if he fails to accept that, he too, has some MH issues.

me4real · 18/08/2021 22:52

A lot of people with ADHD also have ASD or ASD traits, and vice versa. People can have ADHD and not know it even if they've done ok in education etc. The not wanting to part with items could be something else.

But we're not his doctor/consultant and can't diagnose him really.

Is he eccentric in other ways? What is the scale of this hoarding problem?

TerraNovaTwo · 18/08/2021 22:55

Sound like ASD and ADHD overlapping.
Starting projects and leaving them unfinished is what I do a lot. I'm thinking of going for an assessment.

But I don't hoard. You may want to tactfully suggest to your DP that he try sort out his hoarding problem with appropriate counselling.

He sounds lovely having helped you through your bad patches.

DismantledKing · 18/08/2021 23:00

@Ididit83

He doesn’t think he has a problem, he has never brought anything up but I can see that there appears to be issues with things.
He doesn’t have an insight into his (potential) condition. That’s a very bad sign.
Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:04

I agree with @Thisisworsethananticpated - run for the hills is the best answer you lot could come up with? Did you run for the hills when it was your children suffering from these issues? I see on here all the time people standing by their children who have problems like these so why is it when it’s a relationship everyone is quick to say leave. Nobody is perfect.

RantyAunty · 18/08/2021 23:07

It could just be a bad habit.
Does he clean his home? Dishes, bathroom, floors, etc.?

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 19/08/2021 00:31

A close family relative hoards. Started for no reason, got worse and worse over the years. Now the only place to prep food in the kitchen is on a small island - all the work surfaces are piled up with stuff. There is a small pathway down the garden and stuff piled up on either side - broken bike wheels that ‘might be useful’, that kind of stuff. Bathroom stuffed to the ceiling with multi-packs of loo rolls and boxes of cleaning products.
Don’t mean he isn’t lovely - he is, and he is also very clean (cleans obsessively around the ‘piles). But it does mean that nobody could ever live with him - both sides would go crazy with the stress.
And I can say, hand on heart, that there is no fixing it - it gets worse each year.
Doesn’t mean you have to run, but does mean you have some hard choices to make in terms of whether or not you can accept the limitations this puts on developing your relationship.

Suprima · 19/08/2021 04:42

@Ididit83

I don’t think I mentioned that he is negatively effecting my life. He has been nothing short of amazing for me. Whether it be long term or not he has played a part in making me feel alive again. I do however know my own issues and have done a lot of work to overcome them so I can tell him what I do and don’t like.
But you are clearly working through your problems, being open, aware of your diagnosis and how it effects your life.

He is currently not recognising his hoarding as a problem. It will get worse. I speak from experience. If he can visit a GP and get some help, amazing. Will he do that though?

Just because you see yourself as ‘broken’ and have mental health problems yourself doesn’t mean you need to be overwhelmingly understanding at the detriment of your own needs. You recognise there are parts of you that are ‘ugly’ and need help. You are working through this. He needs to do the same..

Because no matter how lovely and caring he is- wait until the hoarding becomes a health hazard. The smell, the vermin. He might even start to hoard animals. He might become reclusive and want to spend time with his treasures. Or his treasures will become overwhelming and he will develop depression from the amount of clutter. Either way, you’ll come second to the hoard.

I echo what a previous poster says- if he does not want to get help…run.

Suprima · 19/08/2021 04:45

@Cranberriez

I agree with *@Thisisworsethananticpated* - run for the hills is the best answer you lot could come up with? Did you run for the hills when it was your children suffering from these issues? I see on here all the time people standing by their children who have problems like these so why is it when it’s a relationship everyone is quick to say leave. Nobody is perfect.
He isn’t a child Confused He’s an adult man that needs to seek help.

OP is not well herself. If the hoarding gets worse (which it will), this is not a healthy situation for her to be in.

I echo a previous poster. Women aren’t rehab centres. She can definitely support him in getting help, but he is the only one who can reach out and accept it.

2021V2 · 19/08/2021 04:49

Hoarding is usually trigger by an event or childhood issues and serious hoarding what he has here has serious mh inplications. My ex best friend was a Hoarder even 10 years ago you struggled to get in to the house piles of magazines from the 1970s etc then became worse with her divorce 10 years ago and then again 2 years ago. No one can visit now. Her children won’t stay (one adult and one 15) the youngest lives there but can not invite anyone around. If either of them throw anything out she gets them the rage and breaks down - huge huge fights. The 15 year old really mentally effected currently and will do anything to stay out of the house - she won’t get help and I can’t help her. Due to other reasons I have gone very low contact but still in touch with the children

VentBox · 19/08/2021 05:22

Maybe look in more detail at the Clutter Image Rating,
Hoarding Disorders Icebreaker form and the Institution for challenging chronic disorganisation.

VentBox · 19/08/2021 05:29

Chronic disorganisation can appear to look like HD but there are very different traits. Maybe look up the clutter image rating, the ice breaker form and the institute for challenging Disorginisation.

gannett · 19/08/2021 08:39

Got to love the shrieks of "LTB" when the OP doesn't even have a problem, just a mild curiosity, with this trait of her partner's.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/08/2021 08:54

Hoarding/autism. My son is like this, he is 10. He has terrible anxiety when things need to be thrown away and will find all sorts of reasons to keep them. He has a diagnosis of ASD/ADHD/SPD.

Original poster
Ididit83 · 19/08/2021 09:27

I remember a conversation about a year ago when we were first talking and he said he did find it difficult reading females. He has no idea when he is in trouble or when someone is upset unless you actually tell him. Then he doesn’t really know how to respond apart from buying flowers etc as that is what you are supposed to do.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 19/08/2021 09:31

The flip side of this is I get very regular bunches of flowers from probably ASD husband. He knows it's what you do!

Original poster
Ididit83 · 19/08/2021 09:33

Yep Grin

OP posts:
Naunet · 19/08/2021 09:33

@Thisisworsethananticpated

This thread is depressing So we should run away from nice people with mental health problems/ quirks and possible asd

I have no words

He isn’t abusive according to the OP

Horrible responses Sad

OP isn’t a mental health profession, and no, it is not women’s job to fix men at the detriment of their own happiness. That doesn’t mean we run away from people with mental health issues, but you can’t expect someone to be in a relationship that is going to cause them a lot of unhappiness either.
kamchatka23 · 19/08/2021 10:42

I have real problems throwing things away or getting rid of things that I think that are ‘useful’. I have been diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD. I think I always had a tendency towards hoarding as my grandparents were the same, but I also think there was a ‘trigger’ event when I was about 16 and my grandparents died. The house I grew up in was then cleared and sold off by my relatives and I was left with nothing, so it’s a fear of that happening again that’s mainly behind it I think.
I do keep on top of things by having quite organised storage of things, and periodically I do try and have a clear out although I can find it quite challenging.

cranberryx · 19/08/2021 10:46

Constant foot tapping, unfinished projects, a sense of perfectionism without the drive to actually follow through, hours staring at a phone?

ADHD - Inattentive.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/08/2021 13:16

But op wanted to understand WHY
She doesn’t want to leave him
Sue just curious why he is the way she is
And it would appears there are some asd traits
Not that I’m an expert

gannett · 19/08/2021 16:13

OP isn’t a mental health profession, and no, it is not women’s job to fix men at the detriment of their own happiness. That doesn’t mean we run away from people with mental health issues, but you can’t expect someone to be in a relationship that is going to cause them a lot of unhappiness either.

But it isn't causing OP unhappiness???

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