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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When DH randomly grabs at your boobs

96 replies

ILoveTheOcean · 18/08/2021 10:48

Does anyone's husband just randomly touch/jiggle/grab at your boobs?

My husband does this sometimes and I hate it and he gets offended when I push him away. ''Why are you pushing me away, I can touch them, they're mine.'' he would say.

'No, they are not yours, they are mine and I don't like it.'

'Oh, so now I can't even touch you anymore' #guilttrip

What makes a guy think that all women would take pleasure out of that sort of behaviour, or that one would just stand there and let them have a feel because they are somehow entitled to to it.

Maybe I'm a bit prudish, but I expect more respect than that, especially from DH. Randomly grabbing at women no matter how familiar the relationship is just a big no.

OP posts:
CloudPop · 18/08/2021 12:48

@Dillydollydingdong

My dp will come and grab me from behind. I love it. It makes us both giggle.
The OP hates it and it doesn't make her giggle. Therefore he needs to not do it.
Paq · 18/08/2021 12:53

It's grim, as is his response. I could not live with that behaviour.

Serendipity79 · 18/08/2021 13:07

My ex had a horrid habit of always making me go up stairs first and then sticking his hand up my skirt. I lost count how many times I told him I hated it and to stop doing it, but it was just the start of his disrespect of my boundaries tbh! He used similar tactics to your partner "How can I help it if I like doing it to you, so you don't want me to touch you now then?" Grim.

If you've asked him not to do it and he continues to then it shows a total lack of respect for you :( Saying "they're mine" implies a sense of ownership which is just wrong....

billy1966 · 18/08/2021 13:09

Grim OP.

Did this start after you married?

Clearly he neither respects your body nor your opinion.

If he did you wouldn't have had to tell him twice.
Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2021 13:10

How grim. Run for your life.

Peace43 · 18/08/2021 13:43

My OH likes to give the baps a jiggle. Doesn’t bother me and I’m very sure he’d stop if it did. It’s a joke between the two of us.

galactics · 18/08/2021 13:54

My exh used to do this and slap me on the bum .. in front of the kids . I hated it. He wouldnt stop and I would literally freeze when I felt his hands around me or I'd flinch . Then my son started doing it at eight years of age . It's over. I wasn't giving him Enough sex so he found himself ow.
Meanwhile I'm in a relationship of a year and adore when he comes up behind me for a little touch in the privacy of his home BUT. It took at least six months before I stopped flinching and freezing when he caught me Unaware . The effect really stays with you and for my
Child to start copying his bullshit was enough. Marriage died that day . Entitled and disrespectful to any woman unless welcomed .

Orgasmagorical · 18/08/2021 13:54

What makes a guy think that all women would take pleasure out of that sort of behaviour, or that one would just stand there and let them have a feel because they are somehow entitled to to it.

The second part of that is what it's about, entitlement. Nothing to do with pleasure. He probably doesn't get that much pleasure from it himself, he's just doing it to show you he disrespects your boundaries, hence trying to guilt trip you when you call him up on it.

What's he like in the rest of your relationship?

Essentialironingwater · 18/08/2021 13:57

Horrid if you don't like it. I quite like it when my DH grabs my bum but he's quite shy even after 8 years and isn't the grabby type! If you've said no and he persists he's just an arsehole. I grab at DH but he likes it!

2bazookas · 18/08/2021 14:09

His balls belong to you. Get some of these and deploy them.
(Men like it hard, right? )

BasicDad · 18/08/2021 14:43

It's what works for you. Other relationships are consensual and frequently reciprocated.

SirenSays · 18/08/2021 14:50

Is he trying to hurt you when he grabs you, or do you just not like it? If he's not hurting you, kicking, hitting, kneeing him in the balls or twisting his junk seems a bit evil and unnecessary? Just have a serious conversation where you tell him he has to stop this from now on or ya'know LTB..

LittleRedPill · 18/08/2021 15:00

My ex used to do this. It made me feel - and I use this word carefully - dehumanised. As if I was his property/plaything to do with as he liked.

This is one of the many, many reasons we are no longer together.

No man who respects and loves you would persist in such behaviour when you have clearly communicated that you find it unpleasant.

IsThePopeCatholic · 18/08/2021 15:08

He’s a mysoginist. Ugh.

Original poster
ILoveTheOcean · 18/08/2021 15:14

Yes. Leave my boobs alone outside of sex. If there is nothing sensual about it, then it is groping and groping just feels off.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 18/08/2021 15:19

My DH has never done that and he wouldn’t ever refer to me or parts of my body as his possession. We’re a very sexual couple and have a lot of good sex but that’s entirely beside the point - he’s just not an utter dick with a horrible idea of what love is.

KatherineJaneway · 18/08/2021 15:22

🤮

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 18/08/2021 15:24

No, because I am not married to a sexual abuser. That's what it is, OP. Abuse. If people enjoy it and give consent that that is fine, but it's clear neither of those things are the case here. Ergo, it's sexual abuse.

It is a very common manipulative tactic for a person to take a reasonable comment ('No, they are not yours, they are mine and I don't like it.') and ridiculously escalate it to something that sounds similar but is actually completely different to make you sound like you're in the wrong ('Oh, so now I can't even touch you anymore').

There is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty when he says this, why does it not fill you with rage instead of guilt? (My suspicion is that the answer to that question is, because he is regularly emotionally abusive and verbally abusive as well as sexually abusive - because abuse never exists in a vacuum, rarely is an abusive person abusive in only one way.)

I would suggest that your response should be along the lines of, 'That's not what I said at all. I have repeatedly told you not to grab at my breasts because I do not like it. Stop pretending you are the victim here.' but actually I think you should just leave him. He is an abuser and he won't change (except to escalate the abuse - I assume he has already escalated it quite some way as I imagine you probably wouldn't have got together with him if he was like this at the beginning, unless you have a history that means you thought this was normal behaviour in a relationship and are only starting to question it now).

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 18/08/2021 15:26

But either way, whether his abuse has escalated or you've only recently picked up on his behaviour WELL DONE for realising this is not right Flowers You can ring Women's Aid if you need someone to talk to in real life.

isthismylifenow · 18/08/2021 15:26

@LittleRedPill

My ex used to do this. It made me feel - and I use this word carefully - dehumanised. As if I was his property/plaything to do with as he liked.

This is one of the many, many reasons we are no longer together.

No man who respects and loves you would persist in such behaviour when you have clearly communicated that you find it unpleasant.

This is exactly how I felt....

He is also an ex.

He would be driving and just reach across and grab one. Or he would flick a nipple. This in the car, where we were wouldn't matter. For 20 years I put up with that.

Actually when I read OPs post, I just had this sickening feeling remembering it.

I've had one (short) relationship since then, he did not do this but I did ask him to to touch my boobs during sex. This shit stays with you.

It's not ok OP. I'd be tempted to get a tazer and shock him every bloody time.

isthismylifenow · 18/08/2021 15:27

To *not touch my boobs during sex

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/08/2021 15:33

Sexual touch without consent is assault. I'd divorce him.

DH and I do stuff like this WITH CONSENT. And that's the only thing that's important. Not what it is.

NewlyGranny · 18/08/2021 15:35

Is there even such a thing as "implied consent" as mentioned by a PP? Surely that went when the crime of rape within marriage came in in 1991? "You said yes once/married me, hence your body is up for grabs 24/7." ?

#NoThankyou

Ninkanink · 18/08/2021 15:36

Yes I’d divorce him too. It’s appalling behaviour and you do not have to put up with it. Flowers

dworky · 18/08/2021 15:38

My boyfriend mindlessly grabs and fondles me

It's not mindless.