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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"What decent girl would let a man stay in her house for £x"

91 replies

SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 07:08

This has been in my head from pre covid when I was using spare room.co.uk and had gotten added to the digs list for our towns theatre; to try to rent out spare room.

Bf (10 years older, I'm mid 30s) said that above when I told him a female enquirer turned out to be wanting to book the room.for a week for her bf, (who was performing in a show in theatre).

We don't live together, I'm on a relatively low salary and was trying to supplement it.

(Incidentally he got the £x wrong because ot was a different rate for a week than as an ongoing lodger, but that's by the by).

Hes a reliable, committed, in some ways kind partner, but this is not the first time he's said something I'd consider tactless and Imo narrow minded.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 18/08/2021 11:35

Old school = misogynistic arsehole

DowntonCrabby · 18/08/2021 11:39

Tactless and narrow minded yes if those are synonymous with misogynist and generally being a sexist prick.

Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 12:22

Where on earth is this, OP?

NI/ROI.

There's still a pretty parochial, "traditional" culture here.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/08/2021 13:32

@Kithic

Decent girl???

You know he sounds like a victim blamer to me!

Yeah I thought this. He's basically saying "if you get raped, don't come running to me, you've brought it on yourself".

I also suspect that he's the type of prat who, if staying as a lodger of a woman on her own, would try to get his leg over. Projection, innit?

Sakurami · 18/08/2021 13:35

'Decent'? Fuck that. If he had been worried about your safety or how comfortable you would be sharing a house with a stranger who is male, fair enough. But this isn't about him being worried, this is about judging you.

Dweetfidilove · 18/08/2021 16:47

There's a reason this comment has stuck with you for a year and a half. Listen to that small voice.

Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 20/08/2021 22:41

@YippeeKiYay155

Sounds like he watches too much porn. What an arse.
He's actually the only man I've gone out with who doesn't watch porn.

He told me hes seen it but it doesn't do much at all for him, he gets sick of it quickly. He said he masturbates to real encounters (not the word he used, I cant remember exactly) he's had.

I think it's actually true because he's also a total technophobe. He doesn't really go online.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 20/08/2021 22:43

I also suspect that he's the type of prat who, if staying as a lodger of a woman on her own, would try to get his leg over. Projection, innit?

He claims he's never cheated.

Another problem he has with me is that I have cheated in a couple of past relationships (not sex but nonetheless) and was honest about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 20/08/2021 22:51

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@bathsh3ba

"ah, spinsters, spinsters are like that, thry need a shag".

Way more than 'a tad on the misogynistic side'![/quote]
Our style of communication made me dismuss it at the time and I said something along lines of "yeah right, boss is a 70s, possibly asexual woman and colleague seems to be gay,".

But I'm thinking I should not have dismissed it, it demonstrates really simple, coarse, musogynustjc thinking. Its not the first time he's used the word spinster, which is not a word I hear often (ever really).

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 21/08/2021 09:18

@SleepingBunnies21

I also suspect that he's the type of prat who, if staying as a lodger of a woman on her own, would try to get his leg over. Projection, innit?

He claims he's never cheated.

Another problem he has with me is that I have cheated in a couple of past relationships (not sex but nonetheless) and was honest about it.

So he uses your past against you. Perhaps to shame you or make you feel like you have to continually prove yourself to him. That's not a merry go round I'd want to be on.

It looks like there is a theme. He is specifically picking 'prove to me you are - chaste and loyal'. If you fail at that and he's the sort of person I think he might be, he'll be implying you're a slut sometime down the line. You'll find yourself never leaving home for fear of accusations of cheating.

Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 26/08/2021 11:04

So he uses your past against you. Perhaps to shame you or make you feel like you have to continually prove yourself to him. That's not a merry go round I'd want to be on.

He seems to be genuinely very worried, insecure and anxious about the possibility of me cheating due to what I told him.

He's said so; that he feels insecure. That he wonders I im a cheater etc.

He did say however that in previous relationships, there was next to no separate socialising ... so he's like that anyway (which I'm not).

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 26/08/2021 11:05

I agree it's a dysfunctional merry go round.

OP posts:
layladomino · 26/08/2021 11:25

His comments show how he feels - which is basically that any woman who rents a room to a man isn't decent, and any woman who chooses to be single is a spinster who needs a shag.

Is he always so hung up on sex?

He is a sexist mysogynist who either thinks you will sleep with a man (any man) if left alone with him for the night, or that you will be at fault if said man attacks you.

His insecurity does not make it OK to insult you and put you down. In fact if he had a brain he might work out that he'd stand a better chance of keeping you if he didn't say offensive rubbish to you.

Nietzschethehiker · 26/08/2021 13:28

Most PP have covered it (although I would not countenance pandering to this rubbish with dressing gowns etc...most people will wear one but I'd be inclined not to encourage his belief he has a say)

To me a decent person is someone who is kind, supportive , has integrity and offers something to the world. It has nothing whatsoever to do with their proximity to any sex. That says absolutely pahang about your character.

Sorry OP but I couldn't get past those comments , mainly because they are genuinely quite stupid so I would lose any respect for him. Can't be with someone you don't respect.

Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 29/08/2021 21:13

The more I've thought about this, the more I've realised he seems to have an issue with my interaction with almost anyone of the opposite sex; male friends, male ex colleagues i bumped into on a night out (strictly speaking day/night for for festival), a guy I'm acquainted with through a hobby who I offered to get some refreshments for (because he was visiting my then home club and he'd offeted me shelter and given me tea etc once on his home turf), i had to clarify that some guys who were at a party I attended were there with partnwrs because he commented negatively on it ..... ive even started to think that hom encouraging me to set up my own small business in my current industry in one if his outbuildings isn't the lovely, supportive, proactive thing I rbiughtbit was and might be about getting me out of the workplace (i work in a fairly male dominated industry, the office is exceptional having equal or more women).

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 30/08/2021 17:43

Please get rid of him. He sounds like a controlling, possessive nightmare.

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