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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"What decent girl would let a man stay in her house for £x"

91 replies

SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 07:08

This has been in my head from pre covid when I was using spare room.co.uk and had gotten added to the digs list for our towns theatre; to try to rent out spare room.

Bf (10 years older, I'm mid 30s) said that above when I told him a female enquirer turned out to be wanting to book the room.for a week for her bf, (who was performing in a show in theatre).

We don't live together, I'm on a relatively low salary and was trying to supplement it.

(Incidentally he got the £x wrong because ot was a different rate for a week than as an ongoing lodger, but that's by the by).

Hes a reliable, committed, in some ways kind partner, but this is not the first time he's said something I'd consider tactless and Imo narrow minded.

OP posts:
EmpressWitchDoesntBurn · 18/08/2021 07:42

He’s a twat both for trying to control who lodges with you and for calling you a girl. That’s just about acceptable in your early 20s but for a woman in her 30s it’s belittling. He thinks he’s the adult in the relationship.

Withgasoliiiiine · 18/08/2021 07:42

I think he thinks its too.close quarters, lack of privacy, in each others space etc. and didn't understand how anyone bit especially a female could be comfortable with that in ger home. I suppose he also thought its a risk/danger as the female

None of these points have anything to do with decency which is what he said. He sounds controlling and misogynistic also quite insecure about you being around other men.

The theatre digs things sounds a really good move, short term and you know they are who they say they are.

bigbaggyeyes · 18/08/2021 07:45

Well you now know his opinion of you.

I'm presuming he thinks having a male lodger will suddenly transform you into a prostitute as you'll also be taking his money?

Jealous, narrow minded misogynistic bf you've got.

Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 07:50

One of the other comment that made me frustrated and pissed off was, in the context of me admittedly having having rant/moan about my employer & one work colleague (who can be challenging to work with in different ways) was "ah, spinsters, spinsters are like that, thry need a shag".

I found it in particularly bad taste because my employer was in her 70s (professional, business owner who's not been married and who's devoted to her work, quite religious and, IMO probably asexual), it creeped me out.

It was an equally utterly ridiculous remark re the other woman because she seems to be gay (though very religious, in quite quite fundamentalist way, and therefore not out etc.).

But, even tbough it was throwaway and we do have a no holds barred, quite bawdy style of communication; it wa a ridiculous, simple minded and crude.

Like, "yeah mate, hate to break it to you but the answer to all problems is not a shag, abd quite frankly those two women are not even interested in.dicks. Ground breaking news that some women, even hetero ones, arent all that interested in dicks".

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 18/08/2021 07:51

WTF?

What an absolute idiot!

banisher · 18/08/2021 07:52

Sounds like you need to end things OP.

Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 07:56

@Onelifeonly

"In some ways kind"? Not in this case. Is 'some ways' enough for you?
Earlier in the relationship I thought he was very kind, very supportive; but as time's gone on and comments have been made, I'm thinking he's kind in some ways, but very judgemental, narrow minded and sometimes actually unkind on other ways.

I actually thought he was amazing at the start. But i suppose I didn't know him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 08:02

@Withgasoliiiiine

I think he thinks its too.close quarters, lack of privacy, in each others space etc. and didn't understand how anyone bit especially a female could be comfortable with that in ger home. I suppose he also thought its a risk/danger as the female

None of these points have anything to do with decency which is what he said. He sounds controlling and misogynistic also quite insecure about you being around other men.

The theatre digs things sounds a really good move, short term and you know they are who they say they are.

I suppose you'd both have to get more or less fully dressed in bathroom.after showering in order not to be running psst people at close quarters clutching towels etc. Maybe those scenarios are what he's partly referring to.

But with the theatre people, unless they're early risers, I'd be up and out before them for 9am start, and I'd be going to bed around the time they'd be getting in after show (they do matinee and evening show i think).

But I know it's still not reasonable and the overall picture is not shaping up well.

OP posts:
Kithic · 18/08/2021 08:02

Decent girl???

You know he sounds like a victim blamer to me!

Withgasoliiiiine · 18/08/2021 08:04

OP you sound independent and emotionally intelligent. Do you really want to be stuck with this throwback?

Terhou · 18/08/2021 08:11

There's an argument that having male lodgers increases your safety. If someone were watching the house with a view to burglary and could see that a bloke apparently lived there some of the time and is around at unpredictable hours, it may well put them off.

Withgasoliiiiine · 18/08/2021 08:12

Maybe a workaround (practically, separate from the partner issue) would just be a big dressing gown for guests? I'm sure nobody would take offence or object if you asked them to use it if walking around after a shower. You could just say 'nothing personal, it's just not a huge house and I have quite a lot of different people staying so prefer if guests wear this instead of walking around in a towel/ boxers!'

FuckeryOmbudsman · 18/08/2021 08:14

Q: "What decent girl would let a man stay in her house for £x"

A: no idea, but this grown woman is more than happy with it

Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 08:16

@Withgasoliiiiine

Maybe a workaround (practically, separate from the partner issue) would just be a big dressing gown for guests? I'm sure nobody would take offence or object if you asked them to use it if walking around after a shower. You could just say 'nothing personal, it's just not a huge house and I have quite a lot of different people staying so prefer if guests wear this instead of walking around in a towel/ boxers!'
I don't think any well adjusted bloke would walk around in towels, I was just thinking about what could be awkward/uncomfortable in the scenario.
OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 18/08/2021 08:17

It doesn't really matter who your lodger is, if they are male or female or you wear your dressing gown out of the bathroom. It's an income stream for you, not an opportunity to shag another person. Or is he saying that you can't control yourself with another man in the house. As long as you do the usual security checks and your happy with the lodger your bf should be too. Shows either an eye watering insecurity of his, or he has a very very low opinion of you, and/or women in general

TheWholeWorld · 18/08/2021 08:21

Your uncle's got the measure of him I'd say.

Foofbrush · 18/08/2021 08:23

From the point of view of a female who works backstage in theatre, can I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being on the digs list?

I'm trying to book digs for a short tour in the autumn and it is a bloody nightmare. Lots of people have stopped doing digs because of covid (which is completely fair enough), and in at least one venue I think I'll be in a premier inn which swallows the touring allowance, and you can't cook for yourself.

If you get backstage workers, you'll see even less of us than the performers - we work longer hours!

dangerrabbit · 18/08/2021 08:23

Sounds like you're having understandable second thoughts about him as he shows you some of his attitudes

Anniegetyourgun · 18/08/2021 08:26

"Old school" is one of those autocorrect failures, like "dogs lost". It should have read "Arse hole".

KidneyBeans · 18/08/2021 08:28

What exactly does he mean by 'decent girl'
I assume you are actually my a woman?
Why would he imply you aren't decent?
He sounds like a misogynistic arsehole

Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 08:31

@Foofbrush

From the point of view of a female who works backstage in theatre, can I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being on the digs list?

I'm trying to book digs for a short tour in the autumn and it is a bloody nightmare. Lots of people have stopped doing digs because of covid (which is completely fair enough), and in at least one venue I think I'll be in a premier inn which swallows the touring allowance, and you can't cook for yourself.

If you get backstage workers, you'll see even less of us than the performers - we work longer hours!

I had actually stopped and I'm not sure if performances have resumed at our town's theatre, but this has given me the poke to check it out.
OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 08:35

@KidneyBeans

What exactly does he mean by 'decent girl' I assume you are actually my a woman? Why would he imply you aren't decent? He sounds like a misogynistic arsehole
Not defending his comment, but for context in this part of the UK, women and men are routinely referred to as girls and boys no matter what age.

The "girl" who works in the shop could be 50 and that "boy" who fixes boilers could be 60.Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 08:43

Anyway yeah, I find the decent comment very judgemental and quite ridiculous.

Unfortunately this country and the one neighbouring it have a lot of people who think like this, both the main denominations still have a huge grip, and it can be very Conservative. So he'd have reason to believe he's right. Which obviously doesn't make it right.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingBunnies21 · 18/08/2021 08:44

@Anniegetyourgun

"Old school" is one of those autocorrect failures, like "dogs lost". It should have read "Arse hole".
Grin
OP posts:
Grimacingfrog · 18/08/2021 08:47

What I don't like about it, apart from the misogyny, is the sense that he thinks his opinion is more important than yours. That's a big red flag OP.