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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Always my fault..

58 replies

Quietriot40 · 18/08/2021 05:06

We just got a new car last week, all rushed wasn't looked into properly. His choice not mine. Drove it for a few days and now the twatting thing is stuck in a garage broken down!
It was my job to sort out all the boring boring stuff, tax insurance, log book because my OH doesn't have the patience for stuff like this.
Anyway, as I said up post, it was all a rush. No idea why and I had 30 mins during a dinner break at work to sort all this as he wanted to pick car up that night.
I hold my hands up, I should have took more notice but I genuinely missed the part when you have to put what points if any are on your licence I also even spelled my own name wrong!
I realised what I'd done and phoned the insurance company as soon as I'd got home that night to try and correct it only for them to cancel it and they want us to pay X amount for cancellation.

OH not happy at all "there's only one person to blame here and that's you" were going to have to cancel our holiday now we can't afford it, I might have to cancel your engagement ring to bridge the gap.
Every solution I offered up was "stupid" and was nothing to do at all with me being rushed to sort it according to him.
I'm a human, I make mistakes not perfect by a long shot but its all very one sided.
There's been times in the past when he's messed up on things and I've always said, don't worry about it we'll figure it out never kicked off at him once.
There's been no affection since, no kisses or hugs or love yous he's been very childish about it.
Anyway, I've been feeling like sh!t since and he clearly doesn't care.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 18/08/2021 06:06

Never mind cancelling your engagement ring. Cancel the wedding. Run and don't look back.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 18/08/2021 06:06

I'm so sorry OP.
I've been in this situation a hundred times.
Now every time I say to him that he is lousy when he makes a mistake, reprimand him and give him a pointed look with a raised eyebrow to let him know that I'm just showing him how it feels as this is the kind of crap that he does. It has now reduced significantly.

I would ask though if this is a pattern amongst other bad behaviour. It's very immature to do this. Is he ridiculous in other ways?

Original poster
Quietriot40 · 18/08/2021 08:08

Quite a lot of ways yes, ive had a debt letter through the door a couple of months back from years ago and I told him I owed money not long after we got together and he made me feel like shit for that too. Quite often if I make a mistake or don't do something right he let's me know about it. He doesn't just stick to that one thing either he brings up everything else he's ever been pissed off at me about

OP posts:
Notradespeopleareavailable · 18/08/2021 08:23

Treat this as a warning and don't marry him. He is clearly unreasonable and emotionally abusive.

frozendaisy · 18/08/2021 08:44

We had to do our building/contents insurance this week.
Once I had been through comparison quotes the Mr sat through the finalisation with me, "is that all, anything else you want added?"

Basically, this is insurance for both of us, for your precious bits and pieces as well as mine. So just to make sure let's check together.

Yes we still might have missed something but we missed it together.

How much is cancellation? Is it really the price of a holiday?
Say, take the engagement ring at this rate I really won't need it. Tell him you can't be bothered listening to him dragging up this car insurance mistake for the rest of your days like he does with all previous mistakes. Tell him it's boring, because it is. Fine yes you messed up, you say "sorry hun" and then you work it out and accept some gentle ribbing of "so you spelt your name wrong" jibes for a couple of days. Then that's it.

Honestly sounds like he wants to keep tight control of you and money. Wants to wear you down with life admin and budgets so he makes all the decisions.

Think about marriage to him very carefully it really doesn't sound like a healthy, happy partnership.

Craftycorvid · 18/08/2021 08:49

You have described two situations in which your partner has behaved like a stern parent telling off a child, and you defending yourself. Is this two isolated incidents or does this play out on a more regular basis? It’s not equal in that it’s not adult to adult discussion to resolve an issue. It’s liable to cause you problems further down the line unless it’s addressed.

Colourmeclear · 18/08/2021 08:51

He doesn't care that you are feeling like shit.

He also doesn't care that he contributed to you feeling like shit.

Would you like these qualities in a friend? Or a life partner?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/08/2021 08:52

Ok the relationship issue is serious
BUT the cancelled policy is also a big problem. You need to write to them and request that they remove the cancellation from your record. Did you contact them within 14 days? They should have given you the opportunity to rectify the issue before cancelling. A cancelled insurance policy will fuck your insurance for years so please focus on that as well as dealing with your horrible partner. Because he is being horrible.

girlmom21 · 18/08/2021 08:52

Tell him to fuck off, take the car back and leave him. People make mistakes. These things happen. He doesn't get to consistently ridicule you for them.

Realistically, why is it that you can't afford to pay a cancellation cost but you can afford a holiday, an engagement ring and a new car? Presumably it's because he wants the car?

MorrisZapp · 18/08/2021 08:55

My DP used to do this a lot, felt like living with a victorian headmaster. Then we turned up in Miami for a fly drive holiday and he had neglected to bring his driving licence.

I said nothing. Not one word. But I knew I had him over a barrel and if he starts tutting now I remind him we all make mistakes. He calmed down a hell of a lot after that.

MrsBertBibby · 18/08/2021 10:06

He is setting you up to make mistakes so he has more sticks to beat you with.

Get out, now. This is an abusive relationship. Trust me, I'm a family solicitor, I know abuse when I see it.

He will get worse and worse, the more he gets his claws in.

sunnyzweibrucken · 18/08/2021 12:19

Soooo many 🚩 🚩 🚩 I would run.

Original poster
Quietriot40 · 18/08/2021 13:12

He does it with a lot of things he will have a right old go at me make me feel 2cms tall then withhold all affection and stops the pet names and calls me by my real name.
Then when I try and talk to him about anything I get short and sharp replies.
I dont know all I've ever done is love this man, now I'm starting to see what he's really like since we moved in together.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2021 13:15

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Make no mistake here, what you are describing is an abusive relationship with this person who will stop at nothing to have absolute power and control over you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2021 13:16

Is it possible for you to move back out again?. Where are your family and friends here and how helpful are they?.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2021 13:19

I hope you realise that it would be madness to marry this man. He is horrible. Get your things sorted and get out of there.

TooMuchPaper · 18/08/2021 13:42

He's awful. Please talk to people in real life about him. Get away from him before he drags you down completely.

tomorrowisanother · 18/08/2021 13:54

@MrsBertBibby

Never mind cancelling your engagement ring. Cancel the wedding. Run and don't look back.
This with bells.
Newestname001 · 18/08/2021 14:08

@Quietriot40

He does it with a lot of things he will have a right old go at me make me feel 2cms tall then withhold all affection and stops the pet names and calls me by my real name. Then when I try and talk to him about anything I get short and sharp replies. I dont know all I've ever done is love this man, now I'm starting to see what he's really like since we moved in together.

I dont know all I've ever done is love this man, now I'm starting to see what he's really like since we moved in together.

I'm glad you're starting to see the real person this man is, OP. I would, in your situation, question whether this is someone I'd want to spend my future years with, bring up children with, etc. If he is like this now (a sulking bully who sends you to Coventry until he decides to forgive you - until the next time) you will be making a rod for your own back, sadly. And it will be harder and more expensive to extricate yourself from that relationship. 🌹

WhatMattersMost · 18/08/2021 14:08

I think you know in your heart of hearts that you can do so much better than him, OP.

I wonder what makes you think you deserve his treatment of you? What was it like in your family when you were growing up? Very often we'll get a clear indication of the current partners we choose when we look at our parents. Then the work starts to undo these very deeply seated unconscious patterns.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/08/2021 14:14

So move back out. Then sort out your insurance at your leisure, make your own decisions in your own time and stop having to walk on those seemingly ubiquitous eggshells.

Wishimaywishimight · 18/08/2021 14:14

Honestly OP, this is not how a loving partner behaves. None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, rush things when we're busy, don't read the small print etc..

I've done it. DH has done it. Yes, we might get a bit impatient, might snap at each other if it's something particularly inconvenient but at the end of the say we'll essentially say "Bugger, what do we need to do" and one or other or both of us together will sort it and that's an end to it. We don't make each other feel shit for being human.

Bugger that for a game of soldiers. He's a prat and you're in for a lifetime of this shit if you marry him.

Anordinarymum · 18/08/2021 14:28

OP This is all really good.

He is showing you what it is going to be like for the rest of your lives !

He's doing you a big favour !

Now you can run....................

Original poster
Quietriot40 · 18/08/2021 15:40

It wouldn't be as easy s just leaving him though we work together too.
He says a lot of the time he's set in his ways regarding how he does things but from what I've seen he just makes everybody else do things so he can never do anything wrong. He's got 14 years on me I'm 30 he's 44 so it could be his age like as in I'm the younger carefree girlfriend which he does mention quite a lot that iv gt that I don't care attitude but I've always said it is what it is. I generally don't let things bother me like he does. Maybe that's what his problem is.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 18/08/2021 15:44

@Quietriot40

It wouldn't be as easy s just leaving him though we work together too. He says a lot of the time he's set in his ways regarding how he does things but from what I've seen he just makes everybody else do things so he can never do anything wrong. He's got 14 years on me I'm 30 he's 44 so it could be his age like as in I'm the younger carefree girlfriend which he does mention quite a lot that iv gt that I don't care attitude but I've always said it is what it is. I generally don't let things bother me like he does. Maybe that's what his problem is.
He abusing you. What's his excuse for that
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